"Gideon - "
His lips touched my temple. "I think I loved you the moment I saw you. Then we made love that first time in the limo and it became something else. Something more."
"Whatever. You cut me off that night and left me behind to take care of Corinne. How could you, Gideon?"
He released me only long enough to scoop me up and carry me over to where my bathrobe hung from a hook on the back of the door. He bundled me up; then had me sit on the edge of the tub while he went to the sink and pulled my makeup removal wipes out of the drawer. Crouching in front of me, he stroked the cloth over my cheek.
"When Corinne called during the advocacy dinner, it was the perfect time to make me do something stupid." His gaze was soft and warm on my tear-streaked face. "You and I had just made love, and I wasn't thinking clearly. I told her I was busy and that I was with someone, and when I heard the pain in her voice, I knew I had to deal with her so I could move forward with you."
"I don't understand. You left me behind for her. How does that move us forward?"
"I screwed up with Corinne, Eva." He tilted my chin back to rub at my raccoon eyes. "I met her my first year at Columbia. I noticed her, of course. She's beautiful and sweet, and never had an unkind word to say about anyone. When she pursued me, I let myself be caught and she became my first consensual sexual experience."
"I hate her."
That made his mouth curve slightly.
"I'm not kidding, Gideon. I'm sick with jealousy right now."
"It was just sex with her, angel. As raw as you and I f**k, it's still making love. Every time, from the very first time. You're the only one who's ever gotten to me that way."
I heaved out a breath. "Okay. I'm marginally better."
He kissed me. "I guess you could say we dated. We were exclusive sexually and we often ended up going to the same places as a couple. Still, when she told me she loved me, I was surprised. And flattered. I cared about her. I enjoyed spending time with her."
"Still do, apparently," I muttered.
"Keep listening." He chastised me with a tap of his finger to the end of my nose. "I thought maybe I might love her, too, in my own way...the only way I knew how. I didn't want her to be with anyone else. So I said yes when she proposed."
I jerked back to look at him. "She proposed?"
"Don't look so shocked," he said wryly. "You're bruising my ego."
Relief flooded me in a rush that made me dizzy. I threw myself at him, hugging him as tight as I could.
"Hey." His returning embrace was just as fierce. "You okay?"
"Yes. Yes, I'm getting there." I pulled back and cupped his jaw in my hand. "Keep going."
"I said yes for all the wrong reasons. After two years of hanging out, we'd never spent a full night together. Never talked about any of the things I talk to you about. She didn't know me, not really, and yet I convinced myself that being loved at all was something to hang on to. Who else was going to do it right, if not her?"
He moved his attention to my other eye, cleaning away the black streaks. "I think she was hoping that being engaged would take us to a different level. Maybe I'd open up more. Maybe we'd stay the night at the hotel - which she thought was romantic, by the way - instead of calling it an early night because of classes in the morning. I don't know."
I thought it sounded terribly lonely. My poor Gideon. He'd been alone for so long. Maybe his whole life.
"And maybe when she broke it off after a year," he went on, "she was hoping that would kick-start things, too. That I'd make a bigger effort to keep her. Instead, I was relieved because I'd started to realize it was going to be impossible to share a home with her. What excuse was I going to come up with to sleep in separate rooms and have my own space?"
"You never considered telling her?"
"No." He shrugged. "Until you, I didn't consider my past an issue. Yes, it affected certain ways I did things, but everything had its place and I wasn't unhappy. In fact, I thought I had a comfortable and uncomplicated life."
"Oh, boy." My nose wrinkled. "Hello, Mr. Comfortable. I'm Miss Complicated."
His grin flashed. "Never a dull moment."
Chapter 22 Gideon tossed the makeup remover wipe in the trash. Then he grabbed a towel to throw over the puddle he'd left on the floor and toed off his shoes. To my utter delight, he began stripping out of his wet clothes.
Watching him raptly, I said, "You feel guilty because she still loves you."
"I do, yes. I knew her husband. He was a good guy and he was crazy about her, until he figured out she didn't feel the same way and things fell apart."
He looked at me as he peeled his shirt off. "I couldn't figure out why he let it get to him. He was married to the girl he wanted, they lived in a different country away from me, so what was his problem? Now, I understand. If you loved someone else, Eva, it'd shred me to pieces, every single day. It'd kill me even if you were with me and not him. But unlike Giroux, I wouldn't let you go. Maybe I wouldn't have all of you, but you'd still be mine and I'd take what I could get."
My fingers laced in my lap. "That's what scares me, Gideon. You don't know what you're worth."
"Actually, I do. Twelve bill - "
"Shut up." My head spun and I pressed my fingertips to my eyes. "It shouldn't be such a mystery that women fall in love with you and stay in love. Did you know that Magdalene kept her hair long hoping it'd remind you of Corinne?"
He dropped his slacks and frowned at me. "Why?"
I sighed at his cluelessness. "Because she believes Corinne is who you want."
"Then she's not paying attention."
"Isn't she? Corinne told me she talks to you almost every day."
"Not quite. I'm often not available. You know how busy I am." His gaze took on the heated look I was so familiar with. I knew he was thinking about the times he got busy with me.
"That's nuts, Gideon. Her calling every day. That's stalking." Which reminded me of her assertion that he'd been as possessive over her as he was about me. That niggled at me in a terrible way.
"Where are you going with this?" he asked, in a voice laced with warm amusement.
"Don't you get it? You drive women off the deep end because you're the ultimate. You're the grand prize. If a woman can't have you, they know they're settling for less than the best. So they can't think about not having you. They just think of crazy ways to try and get you."
"Except for the one I want," he retorted dryly, "who spends a lot of time running in the opposite direction."
I stared unabashedly, drinking him in as he stood na**d in front of me. "Answer one question for me, Gideon. Why do you want me, when you can have your pick of perfection instead? And I'm not fishing for compliments or reassurances. I'm asking an honest question."
He caught me up and moved us into the bedroom. "Eva, if you don't stop thinking of us as temporary, I'm going to take you over my knee and make damn sure you like it."
His lips touched my temple. "I think I loved you the moment I saw you. Then we made love that first time in the limo and it became something else. Something more."
"Whatever. You cut me off that night and left me behind to take care of Corinne. How could you, Gideon?"
He released me only long enough to scoop me up and carry me over to where my bathrobe hung from a hook on the back of the door. He bundled me up; then had me sit on the edge of the tub while he went to the sink and pulled my makeup removal wipes out of the drawer. Crouching in front of me, he stroked the cloth over my cheek.
"When Corinne called during the advocacy dinner, it was the perfect time to make me do something stupid." His gaze was soft and warm on my tear-streaked face. "You and I had just made love, and I wasn't thinking clearly. I told her I was busy and that I was with someone, and when I heard the pain in her voice, I knew I had to deal with her so I could move forward with you."
"I don't understand. You left me behind for her. How does that move us forward?"
"I screwed up with Corinne, Eva." He tilted my chin back to rub at my raccoon eyes. "I met her my first year at Columbia. I noticed her, of course. She's beautiful and sweet, and never had an unkind word to say about anyone. When she pursued me, I let myself be caught and she became my first consensual sexual experience."
"I hate her."
That made his mouth curve slightly.
"I'm not kidding, Gideon. I'm sick with jealousy right now."
"It was just sex with her, angel. As raw as you and I f**k, it's still making love. Every time, from the very first time. You're the only one who's ever gotten to me that way."
I heaved out a breath. "Okay. I'm marginally better."
He kissed me. "I guess you could say we dated. We were exclusive sexually and we often ended up going to the same places as a couple. Still, when she told me she loved me, I was surprised. And flattered. I cared about her. I enjoyed spending time with her."
"Still do, apparently," I muttered.
"Keep listening." He chastised me with a tap of his finger to the end of my nose. "I thought maybe I might love her, too, in my own way...the only way I knew how. I didn't want her to be with anyone else. So I said yes when she proposed."
I jerked back to look at him. "She proposed?"
"Don't look so shocked," he said wryly. "You're bruising my ego."
Relief flooded me in a rush that made me dizzy. I threw myself at him, hugging him as tight as I could.
"Hey." His returning embrace was just as fierce. "You okay?"
"Yes. Yes, I'm getting there." I pulled back and cupped his jaw in my hand. "Keep going."
"I said yes for all the wrong reasons. After two years of hanging out, we'd never spent a full night together. Never talked about any of the things I talk to you about. She didn't know me, not really, and yet I convinced myself that being loved at all was something to hang on to. Who else was going to do it right, if not her?"
He moved his attention to my other eye, cleaning away the black streaks. "I think she was hoping that being engaged would take us to a different level. Maybe I'd open up more. Maybe we'd stay the night at the hotel - which she thought was romantic, by the way - instead of calling it an early night because of classes in the morning. I don't know."
I thought it sounded terribly lonely. My poor Gideon. He'd been alone for so long. Maybe his whole life.
"And maybe when she broke it off after a year," he went on, "she was hoping that would kick-start things, too. That I'd make a bigger effort to keep her. Instead, I was relieved because I'd started to realize it was going to be impossible to share a home with her. What excuse was I going to come up with to sleep in separate rooms and have my own space?"
"You never considered telling her?"
"No." He shrugged. "Until you, I didn't consider my past an issue. Yes, it affected certain ways I did things, but everything had its place and I wasn't unhappy. In fact, I thought I had a comfortable and uncomplicated life."
"Oh, boy." My nose wrinkled. "Hello, Mr. Comfortable. I'm Miss Complicated."
His grin flashed. "Never a dull moment."
Chapter 22 Gideon tossed the makeup remover wipe in the trash. Then he grabbed a towel to throw over the puddle he'd left on the floor and toed off his shoes. To my utter delight, he began stripping out of his wet clothes.
Watching him raptly, I said, "You feel guilty because she still loves you."
"I do, yes. I knew her husband. He was a good guy and he was crazy about her, until he figured out she didn't feel the same way and things fell apart."
He looked at me as he peeled his shirt off. "I couldn't figure out why he let it get to him. He was married to the girl he wanted, they lived in a different country away from me, so what was his problem? Now, I understand. If you loved someone else, Eva, it'd shred me to pieces, every single day. It'd kill me even if you were with me and not him. But unlike Giroux, I wouldn't let you go. Maybe I wouldn't have all of you, but you'd still be mine and I'd take what I could get."
My fingers laced in my lap. "That's what scares me, Gideon. You don't know what you're worth."
"Actually, I do. Twelve bill - "
"Shut up." My head spun and I pressed my fingertips to my eyes. "It shouldn't be such a mystery that women fall in love with you and stay in love. Did you know that Magdalene kept her hair long hoping it'd remind you of Corinne?"
He dropped his slacks and frowned at me. "Why?"
I sighed at his cluelessness. "Because she believes Corinne is who you want."
"Then she's not paying attention."
"Isn't she? Corinne told me she talks to you almost every day."
"Not quite. I'm often not available. You know how busy I am." His gaze took on the heated look I was so familiar with. I knew he was thinking about the times he got busy with me.
"That's nuts, Gideon. Her calling every day. That's stalking." Which reminded me of her assertion that he'd been as possessive over her as he was about me. That niggled at me in a terrible way.
"Where are you going with this?" he asked, in a voice laced with warm amusement.
"Don't you get it? You drive women off the deep end because you're the ultimate. You're the grand prize. If a woman can't have you, they know they're settling for less than the best. So they can't think about not having you. They just think of crazy ways to try and get you."
"Except for the one I want," he retorted dryly, "who spends a lot of time running in the opposite direction."
I stared unabashedly, drinking him in as he stood na**d in front of me. "Answer one question for me, Gideon. Why do you want me, when you can have your pick of perfection instead? And I'm not fishing for compliments or reassurances. I'm asking an honest question."
He caught me up and moved us into the bedroom. "Eva, if you don't stop thinking of us as temporary, I'm going to take you over my knee and make damn sure you like it."
