Before I Wake
Page 82

Nashs eyes narrowed. Is there more?
The dog. Falkor was dead, too. Butchered. My eyes watered. Why hadnt Tod told him what really happened?
Im so sorry, Kaylee.
Me, too. But sorry didnt cover it. Sorry didnt even come close.
It wasnt your fault.
Yes, it was. The blood. The knife. The look in Alecs eyes. Its all my fault. All of it.
Nash exhaled and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, and when he looked at me, the unease and discomfort in his eyes echoed deep inside me, striking similar chords in my own heart. He didnt know how to be there, in Tods room, with me, and I didnt know how to be there, in the land of the living, with everyone else.
Kaylee, I dont know how to do this, Nash said finally, and there was a fragile note in his voice. A delicate hesitance that made me want to apply a Band-Aid or spray on some disinfectant. But his wounds were too big for that.
So were mine.
I dont know how to talk to you anymore, he continued. I dont know what you want to hear or what Im allowed to say. But I do know you. You can sit there and tell me how much has changed, and how different you are now, but its not true. Death didnt change you. It couldnt. Youre still the girl I fell in love with the moment I first heard you laugh, and I still know exactly who you are.
Nash
You would never hurt anyone, he said, still watching me with that bruised look in his eyes.
I hurt you.
Yeah. But not on purpose, and not as badly as I hurt you. Thats how I know that whatever happened, this isnt your fault.
I killed him, Nash, I said, and he blinked, then sat up slowly, staring at me in disbelief. I stabbed him. Then I burst into tears.
Nash circled the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress, then pulled me into a hug. What happened?
I thought it was Avari. More tears fell, and I half choked on them. I thought hed killed Alec and was wearing his soul. I thought I was freeing his soul, but I killed him. I could hardly form words around the sobs shaking my entire body, but Nash understood. His arms tightened around me, and I cried harder. Id thought saying it out loudadmitting my guiltwould make me feel better. Like releasing the pressure behind a dam. But I felt worse for having said it out loud. Worse, knowing that Nash knew what Id done.
I felt guiltier than ever for thinking I deserved relief from that guilt in the first place.
What happened? Tod asked, and I looked up to find him standing in the middle of the little available floor space. Nash stood and shoved his hands inhis pockets, and I threw my arms around Tod. He squeezed me and I laid my head on his shoulder.
Nothing, Nash said, and my guilt thickened when I saw him watching me over his brothers shoulder. I was trying to convince her that this isnt her fault. Avari tricked her.
Tod pulled away so he could look at me. You told him? Kaylee, you werent supposed to tell him. I spent the past two hours cleaning everything up so no one would know.
Cleaning it up? A sick feeling bubbled deep in my stomach. What did you do?
I did what had to be done to keep you out of this. His gaze held mine. He was unashamed of whatever hed done. But that wont work if youre not on board.
Then maybe you should have told me what you were doing.
I didnt think youd let me. He sank onto the bed and pulled me down to sit next to him. Besides, I kind of felt like dont confess to murder goes without saying.
Its not murder. It was an accident, Nash said, and he looked even more out of place, since he was the only one standing.
We know that, but what are the police going to think? How likely are they to believe that she accidentally stabbed a good friend in the stomach, a month after she killed her math teacher the same way?
But that was self-defense. Shock echoed inside me, ricocheting from one terrifying thought to the next. Beck stabbed me first.
Tod took my hand, and his fingers wrapped around mine. And right now they believe that. But since we cant tell the police youre doing battle with a demon who can possess your friends and wear the souls of the dead, we have to start thinking about what conclusions theyre going to draw if they find out you were in that apartment. Two stabbing deaths in a month arent going to be labeled coincidence.
He was right. I didnt want him to be right, but what I wanted had never mattered less. So what did you do?
I buried the dog and got rid of any evidence that he ever existed.
Why?
Because Alecs apartment is now the scene of an open homicide investigation, and theyre going to test every blood sample they find. But Falkors DNA isnt anything their lab geeks will recognize. I also busted in the front door and took his TV and stereo, so itd look more like a robbery.
Did you report it? I asked, blinking more tears from my eyes at the thought of Alec lying all alone in a pool of his own blood.
Tod shook his head. An anonymous call would look suspicious, but I left the door open. One of his neighbors will find him and report it.