Before I Wake
Page 85
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Us, Em. Were whats going to stop them. I dont know how yet, short of reclaiming every resurrected soul they have. That may be what this comes down to, and if so, this will be an ongoing battle. But its not your battle. Ill do everything I can to keep you out of it. Shed suffered enough, just because she was my friend.
It is my battle. She blinked, and the first two tears rolled down her cheeks. Avari made it my battle when he possessed me, and poisoned my boyfriend. Doug had died of a frost overdose back in December, just days after Scott was arrested and hospitalized. He made it my battle when he killed my friend. She sniffled, and I had to brush away more tears of my own. Alec. Do you think? She blinked again and wiped mascara from beneath her eyes with both hands. Do you think he suffered?
I think he was caught by surprise, and it was over quickly. I think thats the only way it could go down. His eyes had only focused on me for a second. And as grateful as I was that Alec didnt suffer for long, I hated it that the last thing he saw and knewhis very last thoughtwas that hed been murdered by a friend.
* * *
By midnight, Sabine, Nash, Emma, Luca, and Sophie were all sprawled out in my living room, taking up every bit of available floor space as well as the couch and my dads recliner. I stood in the hall for a minute, listening to them whisper to one another like they were camping out under the stars. Their whispers were sad, and angry, and scared, but those were things they shared, even in the worst of timesand this night definitely qualified. But I couldnt share those with them. Even if I were to clear a place for myself on the floor next to Em, I wouldnt be one of them. Not anymore. Not knowing what Id done.
You okay? Tod asked, and I looked up to find him leaning against the wall next to me, his light features shadowed in the dark hallway.
I dont know if Im ever going to be okay again, I said, and when his arms wrapped around me, I laid my chin on his shoulder and whispered into his ear. Im not like them anymore.
No, youre not, he said, rubbing my back with one hand. But you can still be with them.
How? How am I supposed to pretend that prom, and graduation, and college are still the most important things in the world when I cant close my eyes without seeing Alec on the floor in a pool of his own blood?
You arent. Youre not supposed to pretend with anyone in there, and youre not supposed to pretend with me. I know it doesnt feel like it right now, but youre the luckiest dead person Ive ever met. You have so many people who love you and know what youre going through.
They dont know. How could they?
They may notunderstand everything youre feeling, but they know about your job and your afterlife, and they want to be there for you. Which means you can be yourself with them, whether being yourself means sitting through classes you hate, or ranting over the injustice of the afterlife in general. The point is that you have people to talk to.
He was right. What do you have?
I have you. Thats all I need. He tugged gently on my arm and I let him pull me into my bedroom, where we stretched out side by side on the bed. Fully clothed, on top of the covers, to keep my father from having a meltdown.
Thank you for what you did for me today.
Tod shrugged. Whats a little crime-scene tampering between immortal lovers?
Not that. Im still not sure that protecting me is a valid reason to cover up a crime
Well agree to disagree on that .
but it means the world to me that you were willing to go to such lengths to protect me. But Im talking about your room. The bath. A place to crash. Clean clothes. You even picked out my underwear
Truly my pleasure. He dared a naughty grin.
and what you said I didnt have the words to tell him how grateful I was. So I kissed him. It was a sad kiss, more comfort than heat, but there was strength in it. There was strength in him, and when I was with him, I felt like I was stronger, too. Like I might actually get through this.
Thank you. I didnt think Id ever fall asleep again, but evidently I needed that nap.
That was less sleep than shock-induced shutdown. Your head needed time to catch up with your heart, and you needed someplace private to let that happen. Ive been there.
Kaylee? my dad said, and I glanced up to see him standing in the doorway, his gaze aimed at us, but unfocused. It worries me when I can see body-shaped dents on your bed, but cant see the bodies making them.
Sorry. I sat up, then concentrated on making myself corporeal as Tod sat up next to me. Fully clothed. As per orders.
Thanks for doing your part to keep your father sane. He came in and sank into my desk chair. I think you need some more furniture. More places to sit that arent the bed. He was kiddingmostlybut when I couldnt make myself smile or remind him that I was as grown as I was going to get, his focus narrowed on me in concern. Are you okay? About Alec?
No, I said, and fresh tears filled my eyes as Tod rubbed my back. Can you close the door, Dad? I need to tell you something. I could make sure that only he and Tod heard me, but my confession still wouldnt feel private with the door standing wide open.
It is my battle. She blinked, and the first two tears rolled down her cheeks. Avari made it my battle when he possessed me, and poisoned my boyfriend. Doug had died of a frost overdose back in December, just days after Scott was arrested and hospitalized. He made it my battle when he killed my friend. She sniffled, and I had to brush away more tears of my own. Alec. Do you think? She blinked again and wiped mascara from beneath her eyes with both hands. Do you think he suffered?
I think he was caught by surprise, and it was over quickly. I think thats the only way it could go down. His eyes had only focused on me for a second. And as grateful as I was that Alec didnt suffer for long, I hated it that the last thing he saw and knewhis very last thoughtwas that hed been murdered by a friend.
* * *
By midnight, Sabine, Nash, Emma, Luca, and Sophie were all sprawled out in my living room, taking up every bit of available floor space as well as the couch and my dads recliner. I stood in the hall for a minute, listening to them whisper to one another like they were camping out under the stars. Their whispers were sad, and angry, and scared, but those were things they shared, even in the worst of timesand this night definitely qualified. But I couldnt share those with them. Even if I were to clear a place for myself on the floor next to Em, I wouldnt be one of them. Not anymore. Not knowing what Id done.
You okay? Tod asked, and I looked up to find him leaning against the wall next to me, his light features shadowed in the dark hallway.
I dont know if Im ever going to be okay again, I said, and when his arms wrapped around me, I laid my chin on his shoulder and whispered into his ear. Im not like them anymore.
No, youre not, he said, rubbing my back with one hand. But you can still be with them.
How? How am I supposed to pretend that prom, and graduation, and college are still the most important things in the world when I cant close my eyes without seeing Alec on the floor in a pool of his own blood?
You arent. Youre not supposed to pretend with anyone in there, and youre not supposed to pretend with me. I know it doesnt feel like it right now, but youre the luckiest dead person Ive ever met. You have so many people who love you and know what youre going through.
They dont know. How could they?
They may notunderstand everything youre feeling, but they know about your job and your afterlife, and they want to be there for you. Which means you can be yourself with them, whether being yourself means sitting through classes you hate, or ranting over the injustice of the afterlife in general. The point is that you have people to talk to.
He was right. What do you have?
I have you. Thats all I need. He tugged gently on my arm and I let him pull me into my bedroom, where we stretched out side by side on the bed. Fully clothed, on top of the covers, to keep my father from having a meltdown.
Thank you for what you did for me today.
Tod shrugged. Whats a little crime-scene tampering between immortal lovers?
Not that. Im still not sure that protecting me is a valid reason to cover up a crime
Well agree to disagree on that .
but it means the world to me that you were willing to go to such lengths to protect me. But Im talking about your room. The bath. A place to crash. Clean clothes. You even picked out my underwear
Truly my pleasure. He dared a naughty grin.
and what you said I didnt have the words to tell him how grateful I was. So I kissed him. It was a sad kiss, more comfort than heat, but there was strength in it. There was strength in him, and when I was with him, I felt like I was stronger, too. Like I might actually get through this.
Thank you. I didnt think Id ever fall asleep again, but evidently I needed that nap.
That was less sleep than shock-induced shutdown. Your head needed time to catch up with your heart, and you needed someplace private to let that happen. Ive been there.
Kaylee? my dad said, and I glanced up to see him standing in the doorway, his gaze aimed at us, but unfocused. It worries me when I can see body-shaped dents on your bed, but cant see the bodies making them.
Sorry. I sat up, then concentrated on making myself corporeal as Tod sat up next to me. Fully clothed. As per orders.
Thanks for doing your part to keep your father sane. He came in and sank into my desk chair. I think you need some more furniture. More places to sit that arent the bed. He was kiddingmostlybut when I couldnt make myself smile or remind him that I was as grown as I was going to get, his focus narrowed on me in concern. Are you okay? About Alec?
No, I said, and fresh tears filled my eyes as Tod rubbed my back. Can you close the door, Dad? I need to tell you something. I could make sure that only he and Tod heard me, but my confession still wouldnt feel private with the door standing wide open.
