Before I Wake
Page 86
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My dad closed the door, then sank onto the bed next to me, and his eyes swirled with concern. Whats wrong, Kaylee?
I killed him. The words burst from my mouth on the front edge of a sob, like theyd been waiting there all along. The room lost focus beneath my tears and as I stared at my hands in my lap, sniffling, trying to get myself under control, drops trailed down my cheeks to fall on my jeans.
My dad pulled me into a hug, and more of my tears soaked into his shirt. No, Kaylee, you freed his soul and stopped Avari from wearing him like a costume. He ran one hand over my hair, smoothing it against the back of my shirt. You did your job, and I know it was hard, but if Alec were here, hed thank you.
No. I sniffled and blinked tears from my eyes, but more came to replace them. Avari wasnt wearing his soul, he was wearing Alecs skin. My words came out in staccato bursts, punctuated by half-choked sobs. Alec was just possessed, and I killed him.
She didnt know, Tod said as my father reached for the box of tissues on my nightstand without letting go of me. Neither of us did. He manipulated her. It wasnt her fault.
I shook my head, drowning in guilt. Choking on grief. I should have known. My fist clenched around a handful of my fathers shirt, and I couldnt let it go. He was my friend. I should have been able to tell the difference between my friend and a demon.
No, Kaylee, dont do this to yourself. My dad pulled away from me so he could see my face, and when I tried to wipe my cheeks with my bare fingers, he pressed a tissue into my hand. This is what he wants. My fathers whole face was twisted with pain, for me. For Alec. For all of us caught up in Avaris carnival of lies and torment. He wants you to suffer.
I want me to suffer. I blotted my face with the tissue, then wadded it into a ball I couldnt stop squeezing. I should have known better, Dad. With hellions, the truth hides in what they dont say. Since they couldnt outright lie, theyd become masters of implication and manipulation. He never actually said Alec was dead. Id gone over everything Avari had said a dozen times since Id woken up in Tods bed. I should have known better.
Kaylee, Avari has spent hundredsmaybe thousandsof years perfecting the art of misdirection. And he had more than a quarter of a century to learn how to imitate Alec in particular. My dad ducked to catch my gaze. Theres no way you could have known. Theres no way anyone could have known.
But that didnt help. As badly as I wanted to let them comfort me, their words held no weight. Id killed him. I should have known better. The guilt was mine tobear, and neither of them had the power to absolve me of that.
Kaylee. Tod looked blurry through my tears, and I wanted to touch him, but that wouldnt be fair. Alec would never touch anyone again, and that was my fault, so I didnt deserve comfort. Alec wouldnt blame you for this, so you have no right to blame yourself. Give credit where its due. Avari did this. He used you and your dagger just like he used Alecs body. I understand why you feel guilty, and I know thats going to be hard to overcome. But what you should feel is anger. This wasnt a tragic accident. It was a crime, committed not by you, but by Avari. I dont know about you, but Im ready to make him pay for that.
I nodded. I was ready. How? How do you hurt a hellion? It was the age-old question, without answer for who knew how many thousands of years.
Lets start by starving him, Tod said. He feeds from pain, and yours is his favorite flavor. So cut him off. Turn your pain into anger, and he cant feed from it. You have a responsibility to make sure that Avaris not profiting from his crime. He shrugged and summoned a small, crooked smile. Angers more productive, anyway.
I couldnt help but notice my fathers look of surprise. And respect. And a tiny ray of hope shined through the clouds thick on my emotional horizon. I wanted my dad to love Tod as much as I did. Just not in the same way.
Okay? Tod said, and I nodded. Letting go of the pain would be much harder than embracing the anger, but he was right. Avari didnt deserve even a taste of my grief over Alec.
I took another tissue and wiped my face, and my father looked at Tod, fresh worry twisting in his irises. How much trouble are we looking at from the police?
None, hopefully. Tod met my dads gaze boldly. I took care of it. Theyll never know she was there.
Thank you.
I tossed both tissues in the trash and glanced at the time on my alarm clock. It was after midnight. Youre late for work, I said, and Tod shrugged.
Levis taking this shift for me, to give me a break.
I had no words to express my relief. I didnt want to be awake all night, alone, even for the few hours Sabine would actually sleep. Will you stay? I turned to my dad. Can he stay the night? Please? Well leave the door open, I swear.
My dad actually chuckled. Considering everything thats conspired to take my little girl away from me in the past few weeks, I have to admit Im thankful that youd actually ask for permission. Of course he can stay. But Im going to hold you to that open-door promise. He was looking at Tod then, not me.
I killed him. The words burst from my mouth on the front edge of a sob, like theyd been waiting there all along. The room lost focus beneath my tears and as I stared at my hands in my lap, sniffling, trying to get myself under control, drops trailed down my cheeks to fall on my jeans.
My dad pulled me into a hug, and more of my tears soaked into his shirt. No, Kaylee, you freed his soul and stopped Avari from wearing him like a costume. He ran one hand over my hair, smoothing it against the back of my shirt. You did your job, and I know it was hard, but if Alec were here, hed thank you.
No. I sniffled and blinked tears from my eyes, but more came to replace them. Avari wasnt wearing his soul, he was wearing Alecs skin. My words came out in staccato bursts, punctuated by half-choked sobs. Alec was just possessed, and I killed him.
She didnt know, Tod said as my father reached for the box of tissues on my nightstand without letting go of me. Neither of us did. He manipulated her. It wasnt her fault.
I shook my head, drowning in guilt. Choking on grief. I should have known. My fist clenched around a handful of my fathers shirt, and I couldnt let it go. He was my friend. I should have been able to tell the difference between my friend and a demon.
No, Kaylee, dont do this to yourself. My dad pulled away from me so he could see my face, and when I tried to wipe my cheeks with my bare fingers, he pressed a tissue into my hand. This is what he wants. My fathers whole face was twisted with pain, for me. For Alec. For all of us caught up in Avaris carnival of lies and torment. He wants you to suffer.
I want me to suffer. I blotted my face with the tissue, then wadded it into a ball I couldnt stop squeezing. I should have known better, Dad. With hellions, the truth hides in what they dont say. Since they couldnt outright lie, theyd become masters of implication and manipulation. He never actually said Alec was dead. Id gone over everything Avari had said a dozen times since Id woken up in Tods bed. I should have known better.
Kaylee, Avari has spent hundredsmaybe thousandsof years perfecting the art of misdirection. And he had more than a quarter of a century to learn how to imitate Alec in particular. My dad ducked to catch my gaze. Theres no way you could have known. Theres no way anyone could have known.
But that didnt help. As badly as I wanted to let them comfort me, their words held no weight. Id killed him. I should have known better. The guilt was mine tobear, and neither of them had the power to absolve me of that.
Kaylee. Tod looked blurry through my tears, and I wanted to touch him, but that wouldnt be fair. Alec would never touch anyone again, and that was my fault, so I didnt deserve comfort. Alec wouldnt blame you for this, so you have no right to blame yourself. Give credit where its due. Avari did this. He used you and your dagger just like he used Alecs body. I understand why you feel guilty, and I know thats going to be hard to overcome. But what you should feel is anger. This wasnt a tragic accident. It was a crime, committed not by you, but by Avari. I dont know about you, but Im ready to make him pay for that.
I nodded. I was ready. How? How do you hurt a hellion? It was the age-old question, without answer for who knew how many thousands of years.
Lets start by starving him, Tod said. He feeds from pain, and yours is his favorite flavor. So cut him off. Turn your pain into anger, and he cant feed from it. You have a responsibility to make sure that Avaris not profiting from his crime. He shrugged and summoned a small, crooked smile. Angers more productive, anyway.
I couldnt help but notice my fathers look of surprise. And respect. And a tiny ray of hope shined through the clouds thick on my emotional horizon. I wanted my dad to love Tod as much as I did. Just not in the same way.
Okay? Tod said, and I nodded. Letting go of the pain would be much harder than embracing the anger, but he was right. Avari didnt deserve even a taste of my grief over Alec.
I took another tissue and wiped my face, and my father looked at Tod, fresh worry twisting in his irises. How much trouble are we looking at from the police?
None, hopefully. Tod met my dads gaze boldly. I took care of it. Theyll never know she was there.
Thank you.
I tossed both tissues in the trash and glanced at the time on my alarm clock. It was after midnight. Youre late for work, I said, and Tod shrugged.
Levis taking this shift for me, to give me a break.
I had no words to express my relief. I didnt want to be awake all night, alone, even for the few hours Sabine would actually sleep. Will you stay? I turned to my dad. Can he stay the night? Please? Well leave the door open, I swear.
My dad actually chuckled. Considering everything thats conspired to take my little girl away from me in the past few weeks, I have to admit Im thankful that youd actually ask for permission. Of course he can stay. But Im going to hold you to that open-door promise. He was looking at Tod then, not me.
