That was how I found myself in the toy aisle of Target thirty minutes before they closed staring aimlessly at rows and rows of brightly colored boxes. I had no clue what was appropriate or what Hyde was even into and that made me want to pull my hair out. Finally, my gaze hit on a box of Legos and it clicked.
Maybe he liked to build things like I did. There were enough blocks and pieces to the set that even if there were a bunch of other kids at the house he was staying at, they could share and play together. I grabbed a couple different designs and went home knowing good and well I wouldn’t sleep a wink until the meeting tomorrow. Instead, I stared at the ceiling and alternately thought about the little boy and the woman that was the key to making him a permanent part of my life.
I couldn’t think about one without the other invading the thought the next second. They were both so important and intrinsically tied together in my life at the moment that separating them seemed impossible, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. If I did win full custody of Hyde he was going to be part of the deal if Sayer ever decided to let me into her life. She couldn’t have me and not have him and I wondered if that was part of the reason she had reverted to putting up her professional mask every time we talked now.
She was always polite, always reassuring, but none of the playful attraction that floated between us before was present in her tone and she made sure all our conversations were brief and to the point. She was making me crazy, but I couldn’t figure a way around it and frankly had to keep my focus on my kid and not my dick.
When the day of the visit arrived I skipped work in the morning, leaving my foreman, Azzy, in charge of the crew. Azzy was a good kid who survived a really nasty upbringing. He had spent his formative years in juvie and most of his young adulthood behind bars. We had met in Canyon, and when he got out he looked me up. The guy had no construction knowledge and I knew how hard it was for anyone, but especially someone of color with a criminal history, to find a good job and someone willing to give them an honest shot at a future. I hated being judged for my past mistakes but knew I could have it so much worse than I did. Azzy had a fierce resolve to never go back to prison and a noticeable dedication to making something of himself. Since I had hired him on he had also proven to be a quick learner. Over the last few years I had been entrusting more and more responsibility and workload to him. In fact, after I had blueprints drawn up and a bid squared away, I was thinking about handing that entire build over to the young guy. Azzy was ready for something to be all his, and I knew Asa would get it when I explained my reasoning for handing the project over to my protégé.
I dressed in a pair of black Dickies and put on a lightweight plaid shirt that had pearl buttons up and down the front of it along with white piping across the shoulders. I traded my Red Wings for a pair of black Frye boots and tried to tame my typically unruly hair with a handful of goop and a comb. I cleaned up all right but no one was ever going to hand me the key to the city and there was nothing I could really do about the tattoos on either side of my neck or the ones that marked the back of each hand, so I knew I would still get those looks. The ones that stated that no matter how respectable my career was, or how much money I had in the bank, or how nice the car I drove was, I still looked rough and would always be an ex-con.
Figuring this was as good as it was going to get, I climbed into the Jeep with my Lego haul and headed to the address Sayer had given me. The CASA building looked like any other business on the side street where it was located. It wasn’t until I went inside and had to go through security and pass through endless pairs of suspicious eyes that I realized how different it was. There was a reception desk and I signed in and looked around the little waiting area for a familiar face. All I saw were men who looked defeated and women who looked scared. This was obviously an establishment that was the worst-case scenario for some and that just made my nerves jangle even more.
I didn’t want to be Hyde’s worst case. I wanted to be his best option in the crap hand he had been dealt in his life so far.
A door next to the reception desk opened and Sayer came through it and strode toward me. I was stunned stupid for a second at the sight of her. I had seen her in her lawyerly garb plenty of times while I was working on her house, but something about seeing her all buttoned up and sharply pulled together on my behalf was startling. All that golden hair was tied up and pulled away from her face. I wanted to shove my hands in it and pull it all free. Her eyes skimmed over me and the corner of her lightly painted mouth kicked up in a grin.
“You look nice. Are you ready to go back? This is Maria, she’s our CASA contact. She’ll be in the room with you and Hyde for the next hour. Don’t be alarmed if you see her taking notes, and you need to know all your visits here are going to be both recorded and filmed. So far, all Hyde has been told is that you’re an old friend of his mother’s. No one feels it’s time to explain to him that you’re his father just yet. We want him to get comfortable around you first. Are you okay with all of that?”
I just nodded stiffly. What else could I do? “Whatever you need me to do.”
She gave me a full smile and it settled some of the sharp and pointy things that were jabbing at me under my skin. When she reached out and put her hand on my elbow, I finally felt like I could breathe normally.
“We just need to fill out some forms and then we’ll go back. Hyde is in the room playing with another rep.” I nodded again, it kind of felt like that was all I was capable of doing at the moment.
Sayer must have seen my panic and my fear because as she reached out to hand me a stack of paperwork she took a step closer and told me under her breath, “He’s a happy little boy, Zeb. He seems sweet and wasn’t at all curious or afraid when his current guardian dropped him off. He just wants to play. He’ll be happy to see you. It’s all an adventure to him.” I exhaled so hard I was surprised I didn’t blow her over.
“Thank you for that.”
She gave me a little wink and patted me where she was holding on to my arm. “In person the resemblance is even more obvious.” She pointed to her own cheek. “He even has your dimple.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up. “How do you know I have a dimple?” I started growing the beard when I was in prison because getting razors behind bars was a hassle I didn’t want to mess with. When I got out, the thing was long and unruly, but trimmed up and maintained, it was pretty awesome, so I decided to keep it. As far as I knew, no one I hung out with now had ever seen me clean-shaven, including Sayer.
Maybe he liked to build things like I did. There were enough blocks and pieces to the set that even if there were a bunch of other kids at the house he was staying at, they could share and play together. I grabbed a couple different designs and went home knowing good and well I wouldn’t sleep a wink until the meeting tomorrow. Instead, I stared at the ceiling and alternately thought about the little boy and the woman that was the key to making him a permanent part of my life.
I couldn’t think about one without the other invading the thought the next second. They were both so important and intrinsically tied together in my life at the moment that separating them seemed impossible, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. If I did win full custody of Hyde he was going to be part of the deal if Sayer ever decided to let me into her life. She couldn’t have me and not have him and I wondered if that was part of the reason she had reverted to putting up her professional mask every time we talked now.
She was always polite, always reassuring, but none of the playful attraction that floated between us before was present in her tone and she made sure all our conversations were brief and to the point. She was making me crazy, but I couldn’t figure a way around it and frankly had to keep my focus on my kid and not my dick.
When the day of the visit arrived I skipped work in the morning, leaving my foreman, Azzy, in charge of the crew. Azzy was a good kid who survived a really nasty upbringing. He had spent his formative years in juvie and most of his young adulthood behind bars. We had met in Canyon, and when he got out he looked me up. The guy had no construction knowledge and I knew how hard it was for anyone, but especially someone of color with a criminal history, to find a good job and someone willing to give them an honest shot at a future. I hated being judged for my past mistakes but knew I could have it so much worse than I did. Azzy had a fierce resolve to never go back to prison and a noticeable dedication to making something of himself. Since I had hired him on he had also proven to be a quick learner. Over the last few years I had been entrusting more and more responsibility and workload to him. In fact, after I had blueprints drawn up and a bid squared away, I was thinking about handing that entire build over to the young guy. Azzy was ready for something to be all his, and I knew Asa would get it when I explained my reasoning for handing the project over to my protégé.
I dressed in a pair of black Dickies and put on a lightweight plaid shirt that had pearl buttons up and down the front of it along with white piping across the shoulders. I traded my Red Wings for a pair of black Frye boots and tried to tame my typically unruly hair with a handful of goop and a comb. I cleaned up all right but no one was ever going to hand me the key to the city and there was nothing I could really do about the tattoos on either side of my neck or the ones that marked the back of each hand, so I knew I would still get those looks. The ones that stated that no matter how respectable my career was, or how much money I had in the bank, or how nice the car I drove was, I still looked rough and would always be an ex-con.
Figuring this was as good as it was going to get, I climbed into the Jeep with my Lego haul and headed to the address Sayer had given me. The CASA building looked like any other business on the side street where it was located. It wasn’t until I went inside and had to go through security and pass through endless pairs of suspicious eyes that I realized how different it was. There was a reception desk and I signed in and looked around the little waiting area for a familiar face. All I saw were men who looked defeated and women who looked scared. This was obviously an establishment that was the worst-case scenario for some and that just made my nerves jangle even more.
I didn’t want to be Hyde’s worst case. I wanted to be his best option in the crap hand he had been dealt in his life so far.
A door next to the reception desk opened and Sayer came through it and strode toward me. I was stunned stupid for a second at the sight of her. I had seen her in her lawyerly garb plenty of times while I was working on her house, but something about seeing her all buttoned up and sharply pulled together on my behalf was startling. All that golden hair was tied up and pulled away from her face. I wanted to shove my hands in it and pull it all free. Her eyes skimmed over me and the corner of her lightly painted mouth kicked up in a grin.
“You look nice. Are you ready to go back? This is Maria, she’s our CASA contact. She’ll be in the room with you and Hyde for the next hour. Don’t be alarmed if you see her taking notes, and you need to know all your visits here are going to be both recorded and filmed. So far, all Hyde has been told is that you’re an old friend of his mother’s. No one feels it’s time to explain to him that you’re his father just yet. We want him to get comfortable around you first. Are you okay with all of that?”
I just nodded stiffly. What else could I do? “Whatever you need me to do.”
She gave me a full smile and it settled some of the sharp and pointy things that were jabbing at me under my skin. When she reached out and put her hand on my elbow, I finally felt like I could breathe normally.
“We just need to fill out some forms and then we’ll go back. Hyde is in the room playing with another rep.” I nodded again, it kind of felt like that was all I was capable of doing at the moment.
Sayer must have seen my panic and my fear because as she reached out to hand me a stack of paperwork she took a step closer and told me under her breath, “He’s a happy little boy, Zeb. He seems sweet and wasn’t at all curious or afraid when his current guardian dropped him off. He just wants to play. He’ll be happy to see you. It’s all an adventure to him.” I exhaled so hard I was surprised I didn’t blow her over.
“Thank you for that.”
She gave me a little wink and patted me where she was holding on to my arm. “In person the resemblance is even more obvious.” She pointed to her own cheek. “He even has your dimple.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up. “How do you know I have a dimple?” I started growing the beard when I was in prison because getting razors behind bars was a hassle I didn’t want to mess with. When I got out, the thing was long and unruly, but trimmed up and maintained, it was pretty awesome, so I decided to keep it. As far as I knew, no one I hung out with now had ever seen me clean-shaven, including Sayer.
