Her smile dipped a little bit and she pulled her hand off my arm as I scribbled my name and birth date across the pile of paperwork. She cleared her throat and looked away from me as she muttered, “In the mug shot in your file you don’t have a beard. I noticed the dimple when I was looking over everything before filing my motion with the court.”
My mug shot. Shit, she had seen my mug shot. It made my teeth clench together with an audible click. No wonder she had started to pull back from me. There was no getting around the fact I had served time for an unarguably violent act. With the evidence of that right in her face, why would she want to give me a shot at being something more to her? She came across as so cool with all the baggage I dragged around with me but how could she ignore the contents of it when they spilled right in front of her over and over again? They didn’t make a strong enough lock to keep the contents of my past secure.
“Are you ready to go back?” She handed the papers over to the woman she had introduced as Maria and I tilted my chin down in the semblance of a nod.
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s do this.” I wish I felt as certain as I sounded.
“Okay. Follow me.”
We walked down a long hallway and then entered a room that looked like a preschool. There were a bunch of little tables, art supplies, and a padded rug on the floor with numbers and letters on it. In the middle of all of that there was a dark-haired little boy lying on his belly, kicking his tiny feet up in the air behind him as he made car noises while he pushed a big plastic dump truck in front of him.
Time stopped.
The world stopped.
I stopped.
Everything that had ever mattered to me, everything that had ever seemed important to me before this moment, before I laid eyes on this little person that was so very much a part of me, seemed wholly insignificant and unworthy. Green eyes that matched the ones that stared at me in the mirror every day flicked up to me and a toothy smile with a gap on the bottom flashed as the little boy climbed to his feet and raced over to where I was frozen to the spot as I watched him with my heart in my throat.
“Hi. I’m Hyde. Are you a giant? Are those Legos? I love Legos. Do you want to play with me?”
I stared down at a tiny carbon copy of my own face and told myself to get my act together. I was never going to get another chance to make another first impression on this little man that was suddenly everything to me.
I crouched down so that I wasn’t towering over him and held out the box. “Hi, Hyde. My name is Zeb. I’m not a giant, but I am pretty tall, so it can seem that way, and the Legos are for you. I would love to play with you.”
Green eyes blinked slowly now that I was at eye level and he tilted his head to one side while he considered me thoughtfully for a second.
“You knew my mom?” I heard the tremor in his voice and it nearly killed me.
“I did. I only met her once, but she was very nice. She was a good friend to me when I really needed her to be.”
He nodded solemnly and reached for the Legos I was still holding, which he promptly set down on the ground next to his sneakered feet once I handed them over. “She could be nice sometimes, but not always. Did you let someone draw on you?” He pointed a finger at my neck, where an old-timey pocket watch was inked onto the skin, and I turned my hands over so he could look at the swirling ink that covered the back of each. I stayed as still as could be as he reached out a finger to poke at the design.
“I did. These drawings don’t really wash off, though. I get to keep them forever.”
His lips twitched and that dimple we shared deepened in his cheek as he grinned. “Okay. Can I touch your face?”
I couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that snuck out. It looked like Joss was right about the beard. Kids did like it.
“Sure. My niece says it tickles when I kiss her.”
I heard a strangled choking sound behind me and cast a glance over my shoulder to see Sayer blushing furiously and coughing into her hand. Apparently Joss wasn’t the only one that thought it tickled during kisses. I was forced to turn my head back around when small hands grabbed both of my cheeks and ran down the sides of my beard.
I stared into the eyes that were so like mine and fought down the urge to pick the little boy up and never put him down. That dimpled grin flashed at me again. “I like it.” I heard a chorus of soft sighs behind me from the women in the room, but this time didn’t take my eyes off of the little boy.
“I’m glad.”
He nodded like he somehow understood the importance of this playdate just as much as the adults in the room did.
“Okay, let’s play.” He looked at the women standing behind me. “Do you guys want to play with us, too?”
God, he was a gem, just like Sayer had told me. He was sweet, considerate, and so welcoming that I had no idea how anyone could have chosen drugs and abusive relationships over him. He was nothing but light.
Sayer’s soft voice floated over us as I moved to open the boxes of colorful blocks for him.
“Thank you, Hyde, but you should play with Zeb. He’s here just for you. He’s been waiting for a really long time to play with you.”
“Really?”
The wonder in his tone made my fingers twitch as my hands fought to curl into fists. How could such a wonderful child ever doubt his importance? It made me want to break things. Lots and lots of things.
“Really, buddy. It’s just me and you. Let’s make something awesome.”
“Cool!” His excitement was infectious as he flopped back down on his stomach on the rug in front of me. I folded myself into a sitting position on the floor in front of him and looked over at Sayer.
She had her hand over her mouth and her eyes were locked on us and I could see the same determination in those bright blue depths that I knew was shining out of mine.
Hyde was mine. He was going home with me and it didn’t matter what we had to do to make that happen.
This little boy would never, ever have to question if he was wanted again. He was more than wanted and the sooner I could tell him that the better.
CHAPTER 7
Sayer
I felt like I was watching my kid graduate or achieve some other major life accomplishment as Poppy walked out the front door of my house with Rowdy. She wasn’t a shut-in exactly, but it was close. Poppy would go to the grocery store or make a run to Target, but she never left to do anything fun. She definitely didn’t search out interaction with other people, especially people of the opposite sex, so the fact that she was voluntarily and eagerly going to have dinner with my brother one-on-one felt like a momentous occasion. I may have even gotten a little teary-eyed when Poppy told me she would be fine when I asked her if she wanted me to tag along just in case. It felt like her road to recovery was finally getting less steep. Regardless of the terrain, I was so happy that she had so many people willing to make the trip with her, and I wanted to hug my brother for being so amazing and refusing to give up on his childhood friend.
My mug shot. Shit, she had seen my mug shot. It made my teeth clench together with an audible click. No wonder she had started to pull back from me. There was no getting around the fact I had served time for an unarguably violent act. With the evidence of that right in her face, why would she want to give me a shot at being something more to her? She came across as so cool with all the baggage I dragged around with me but how could she ignore the contents of it when they spilled right in front of her over and over again? They didn’t make a strong enough lock to keep the contents of my past secure.
“Are you ready to go back?” She handed the papers over to the woman she had introduced as Maria and I tilted my chin down in the semblance of a nod.
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s do this.” I wish I felt as certain as I sounded.
“Okay. Follow me.”
We walked down a long hallway and then entered a room that looked like a preschool. There were a bunch of little tables, art supplies, and a padded rug on the floor with numbers and letters on it. In the middle of all of that there was a dark-haired little boy lying on his belly, kicking his tiny feet up in the air behind him as he made car noises while he pushed a big plastic dump truck in front of him.
Time stopped.
The world stopped.
I stopped.
Everything that had ever mattered to me, everything that had ever seemed important to me before this moment, before I laid eyes on this little person that was so very much a part of me, seemed wholly insignificant and unworthy. Green eyes that matched the ones that stared at me in the mirror every day flicked up to me and a toothy smile with a gap on the bottom flashed as the little boy climbed to his feet and raced over to where I was frozen to the spot as I watched him with my heart in my throat.
“Hi. I’m Hyde. Are you a giant? Are those Legos? I love Legos. Do you want to play with me?”
I stared down at a tiny carbon copy of my own face and told myself to get my act together. I was never going to get another chance to make another first impression on this little man that was suddenly everything to me.
I crouched down so that I wasn’t towering over him and held out the box. “Hi, Hyde. My name is Zeb. I’m not a giant, but I am pretty tall, so it can seem that way, and the Legos are for you. I would love to play with you.”
Green eyes blinked slowly now that I was at eye level and he tilted his head to one side while he considered me thoughtfully for a second.
“You knew my mom?” I heard the tremor in his voice and it nearly killed me.
“I did. I only met her once, but she was very nice. She was a good friend to me when I really needed her to be.”
He nodded solemnly and reached for the Legos I was still holding, which he promptly set down on the ground next to his sneakered feet once I handed them over. “She could be nice sometimes, but not always. Did you let someone draw on you?” He pointed a finger at my neck, where an old-timey pocket watch was inked onto the skin, and I turned my hands over so he could look at the swirling ink that covered the back of each. I stayed as still as could be as he reached out a finger to poke at the design.
“I did. These drawings don’t really wash off, though. I get to keep them forever.”
His lips twitched and that dimple we shared deepened in his cheek as he grinned. “Okay. Can I touch your face?”
I couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that snuck out. It looked like Joss was right about the beard. Kids did like it.
“Sure. My niece says it tickles when I kiss her.”
I heard a strangled choking sound behind me and cast a glance over my shoulder to see Sayer blushing furiously and coughing into her hand. Apparently Joss wasn’t the only one that thought it tickled during kisses. I was forced to turn my head back around when small hands grabbed both of my cheeks and ran down the sides of my beard.
I stared into the eyes that were so like mine and fought down the urge to pick the little boy up and never put him down. That dimpled grin flashed at me again. “I like it.” I heard a chorus of soft sighs behind me from the women in the room, but this time didn’t take my eyes off of the little boy.
“I’m glad.”
He nodded like he somehow understood the importance of this playdate just as much as the adults in the room did.
“Okay, let’s play.” He looked at the women standing behind me. “Do you guys want to play with us, too?”
God, he was a gem, just like Sayer had told me. He was sweet, considerate, and so welcoming that I had no idea how anyone could have chosen drugs and abusive relationships over him. He was nothing but light.
Sayer’s soft voice floated over us as I moved to open the boxes of colorful blocks for him.
“Thank you, Hyde, but you should play with Zeb. He’s here just for you. He’s been waiting for a really long time to play with you.”
“Really?”
The wonder in his tone made my fingers twitch as my hands fought to curl into fists. How could such a wonderful child ever doubt his importance? It made me want to break things. Lots and lots of things.
“Really, buddy. It’s just me and you. Let’s make something awesome.”
“Cool!” His excitement was infectious as he flopped back down on his stomach on the rug in front of me. I folded myself into a sitting position on the floor in front of him and looked over at Sayer.
She had her hand over her mouth and her eyes were locked on us and I could see the same determination in those bright blue depths that I knew was shining out of mine.
Hyde was mine. He was going home with me and it didn’t matter what we had to do to make that happen.
This little boy would never, ever have to question if he was wanted again. He was more than wanted and the sooner I could tell him that the better.
CHAPTER 7
Sayer
I felt like I was watching my kid graduate or achieve some other major life accomplishment as Poppy walked out the front door of my house with Rowdy. She wasn’t a shut-in exactly, but it was close. Poppy would go to the grocery store or make a run to Target, but she never left to do anything fun. She definitely didn’t search out interaction with other people, especially people of the opposite sex, so the fact that she was voluntarily and eagerly going to have dinner with my brother one-on-one felt like a momentous occasion. I may have even gotten a little teary-eyed when Poppy told me she would be fine when I asked her if she wanted me to tag along just in case. It felt like her road to recovery was finally getting less steep. Regardless of the terrain, I was so happy that she had so many people willing to make the trip with her, and I wanted to hug my brother for being so amazing and refusing to give up on his childhood friend.
