He remained quiet. Not because he didn’t have something to say about that but because her mother’s grave wasn’t the place to say it.
“Lilacs and lilies. Pretty.” He indicated the flowers there.
“My sister is most likely the source of the lilies. I brought the lilacs. They’re out of season but I know this little florist not too far away and I call ahead and he orders them for me. My mom loved them. She wanted to name my sister Lilac.”
Liv laughed. “I know. Well, Susan lucked out I think.”
“She was the year behind me in school so I don’t know her very well. Not well enough to really get a feeling about whether she’d be a Lilac or not. But she doesn’t seem like one.” In truth, Liv’s sister had been pretty wild back in the day. They hadn’t run in the same circles but she’d gotten around quite a bit, partied pretty hard, got into trouble.
They stood and walked back to the car, driving back to the hotel quietly. He realized just how complicated his woman was. She was so confident on the outside but each layer he uncovered showed him a wounded heart. It began to settle in that this issue between them was bigger than the Nancy thing. He was also pretty sure Liv herself hadn’t realized it just yet. He’d have to confront it and make her see it. It wouldn’t be easy, he had the feeling there’d be more tears before the breakthrough, but he needed to be steadfast so they could build their future. He meant to have her as his wife and the mother of his children and that meant she had to accept he wasn’t going anywhere. She spoke then, pulling him out of his thoughts. He looked at her as she walked through the room, the grief on her face.
“She’s not. A Lilac, I mean. She’s had a lot of problems but in the last few years she’s straightened herself out. I suppose you know that, as you two were in school together the way you were. Getting away from Petal was good for her. She’s here in Atlanta now. Got married two years ago, has two kids.”
She sat on the couch and put her feet up.
“You’re not close.” It was hard for him to imagine not being close to a sibling.
“We are in our own way. Susan was young when our mom died. Seven. It was harder on her because pretty much all of her memories of our mother were of her being sick. I had her for longer, it affected me differently. And I had Maggie. By that point neither one of us had a mother. Hers wasn’t dead but may as well have been for all the attention Maggie ever got from her. My dad sort of checked out. Gave up expending emotion. He never neglected us, we had a nice place to live, he came to our plays and school stuff. But when he moved to Florida ten years ago, it wasn’t like there was much of a difference in my life. He’s happier now I think because the memories are farther away.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine not being close to my family. But I’m glad you and Maggie had each other.” And he began to understand her more with each bit of her life she exposed. “So, why haven’t you shared any of this before now?”
She sighed heavily. “Marc, it’s not like I was hiding it. But I don’t just take my dates out to the cemetery ninety minutes away to show them my mother’s grave. I’ve never shown anyone her grave. It doesn’t matter, she’s been dead over twenty years. I shouldn’t have taken you today, it was a stupid impulse.”
“What? Stupid? For you to open up to me? Is that what you think? Sharing with me is stupid?”
“Oh get off your f**king self-righteous high horse, Marc. Here’s a clue, I’m not perfect. And here’s another, neither are you. I don’t come from some perfect, Leave It To Beaver life. My mom didn’t greet me at the door with cookies when I got home from school. My sister was a drunk by fifteen and my mother died when I was thirteen. I don’t have family dinners every Sunday and hang out with my family on purpose.”
“Stop it. I’m on to you, Liv. You get all bitchy when people get close to keep ‘em back. It’s not going to happen with me. I’m in this with you for the long haul. And yes, you do have family dinners every Sunday. With my family, who are now your family. And you’re going to have to deal with that. You can get close to people, Liv.”
She winced and he knew he’d hit home on that one. “Oh man, is this going to get all Oprah?”
He knew her game and didn’t let her get to him. It was all a front.
“You can’t love on your terms, you know. That’s not how it works. Love, real love makes demands. You have to give, compromise. You have to let yourself be vulnerable.”
“Oh man. And what about you? Mr. perfect family and well adjusted emotions, what do you have to give up? Your pu**y buffet? If you’re so fabulous why’ve you been f**king your way through every female in town for years?”
He waved that away. “Sharp tongued bitch. You don’t scare me, Liv. I’ve seen your underbelly. And I love you anyway. Do you hear that? I love you. I’m not leaving. Stop it. Let it all go because I’m not going to walk out that door because you’re not perfect. And death isn’t desertion. She couldn’t help it and you didn’t give her cancer. Your father was weak but he’s human. You survived and you’re a strong woman worthy of love and respect. I love you. Maggie loves you. That baby adores you, Liv. He lights up when he hears your voice. My family loves you. Your friends love you.”
Tears ran down her face as she stood and began to pace. He watched her from his chair, wanting to go to her but realizing they needed to play this out until she let it all go. This was the issue, not his omission of the thing with Nancy, not his flirting, not his former skirt chasing ways. Those things were part of it, yes, but it was her flat out terror that everyone she loved she would lose because she wasn’t worthy. That was a huge burden for one person to carry and he planned to knock it off her shoulders, even if he made her cry to do so.
“Lilacs and lilies. Pretty.” He indicated the flowers there.
“My sister is most likely the source of the lilies. I brought the lilacs. They’re out of season but I know this little florist not too far away and I call ahead and he orders them for me. My mom loved them. She wanted to name my sister Lilac.”
Liv laughed. “I know. Well, Susan lucked out I think.”
“She was the year behind me in school so I don’t know her very well. Not well enough to really get a feeling about whether she’d be a Lilac or not. But she doesn’t seem like one.” In truth, Liv’s sister had been pretty wild back in the day. They hadn’t run in the same circles but she’d gotten around quite a bit, partied pretty hard, got into trouble.
They stood and walked back to the car, driving back to the hotel quietly. He realized just how complicated his woman was. She was so confident on the outside but each layer he uncovered showed him a wounded heart. It began to settle in that this issue between them was bigger than the Nancy thing. He was also pretty sure Liv herself hadn’t realized it just yet. He’d have to confront it and make her see it. It wouldn’t be easy, he had the feeling there’d be more tears before the breakthrough, but he needed to be steadfast so they could build their future. He meant to have her as his wife and the mother of his children and that meant she had to accept he wasn’t going anywhere. She spoke then, pulling him out of his thoughts. He looked at her as she walked through the room, the grief on her face.
“She’s not. A Lilac, I mean. She’s had a lot of problems but in the last few years she’s straightened herself out. I suppose you know that, as you two were in school together the way you were. Getting away from Petal was good for her. She’s here in Atlanta now. Got married two years ago, has two kids.”
She sat on the couch and put her feet up.
“You’re not close.” It was hard for him to imagine not being close to a sibling.
“We are in our own way. Susan was young when our mom died. Seven. It was harder on her because pretty much all of her memories of our mother were of her being sick. I had her for longer, it affected me differently. And I had Maggie. By that point neither one of us had a mother. Hers wasn’t dead but may as well have been for all the attention Maggie ever got from her. My dad sort of checked out. Gave up expending emotion. He never neglected us, we had a nice place to live, he came to our plays and school stuff. But when he moved to Florida ten years ago, it wasn’t like there was much of a difference in my life. He’s happier now I think because the memories are farther away.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine not being close to my family. But I’m glad you and Maggie had each other.” And he began to understand her more with each bit of her life she exposed. “So, why haven’t you shared any of this before now?”
She sighed heavily. “Marc, it’s not like I was hiding it. But I don’t just take my dates out to the cemetery ninety minutes away to show them my mother’s grave. I’ve never shown anyone her grave. It doesn’t matter, she’s been dead over twenty years. I shouldn’t have taken you today, it was a stupid impulse.”
“What? Stupid? For you to open up to me? Is that what you think? Sharing with me is stupid?”
“Oh get off your f**king self-righteous high horse, Marc. Here’s a clue, I’m not perfect. And here’s another, neither are you. I don’t come from some perfect, Leave It To Beaver life. My mom didn’t greet me at the door with cookies when I got home from school. My sister was a drunk by fifteen and my mother died when I was thirteen. I don’t have family dinners every Sunday and hang out with my family on purpose.”
“Stop it. I’m on to you, Liv. You get all bitchy when people get close to keep ‘em back. It’s not going to happen with me. I’m in this with you for the long haul. And yes, you do have family dinners every Sunday. With my family, who are now your family. And you’re going to have to deal with that. You can get close to people, Liv.”
She winced and he knew he’d hit home on that one. “Oh man, is this going to get all Oprah?”
He knew her game and didn’t let her get to him. It was all a front.
“You can’t love on your terms, you know. That’s not how it works. Love, real love makes demands. You have to give, compromise. You have to let yourself be vulnerable.”
“Oh man. And what about you? Mr. perfect family and well adjusted emotions, what do you have to give up? Your pu**y buffet? If you’re so fabulous why’ve you been f**king your way through every female in town for years?”
He waved that away. “Sharp tongued bitch. You don’t scare me, Liv. I’ve seen your underbelly. And I love you anyway. Do you hear that? I love you. I’m not leaving. Stop it. Let it all go because I’m not going to walk out that door because you’re not perfect. And death isn’t desertion. She couldn’t help it and you didn’t give her cancer. Your father was weak but he’s human. You survived and you’re a strong woman worthy of love and respect. I love you. Maggie loves you. That baby adores you, Liv. He lights up when he hears your voice. My family loves you. Your friends love you.”
Tears ran down her face as she stood and began to pace. He watched her from his chair, wanting to go to her but realizing they needed to play this out until she let it all go. This was the issue, not his omission of the thing with Nancy, not his flirting, not his former skirt chasing ways. Those things were part of it, yes, but it was her flat out terror that everyone she loved she would lose because she wasn’t worthy. That was a huge burden for one person to carry and he planned to knock it off her shoulders, even if he made her cry to do so.
