“I’m not a charity case, Marc. Is that it? The novelty of fixing me?”
“You’d like to think so. That way you could blow off what’s between us and continue to hold yourself back or keep hooking up with men you can control and never commit to fully.” He shrugged. “You can’t control me, Liv. I’m your equal. Snuck in there, didn’t I? I didn’t quite get that until I was way too far gone in love with you. I suppose I have my own share of emotional shit to shovel.”
Her hair stuck up from the way she kept running her hands through it and tugging at it. She looked like a pretty porcupine. It made him smile and she made a distressed sound. “What? What are you smiling at, Dr. Phil?”
He chuckled. “I love your sense of humor. I was smiling because I like looking at you. You’re cranky when you’re on the ropes.”
“Oh man, now you’re going to be patronizing on top of judgmental and self righteous?”
“I’m not judgmental, Liv. I’m in no position to judge you, even if I wanted to. And I’m not self righteous. I understand you. Drives you nuts too. We’re going to fight you know. It’s part of who we are. But fighting won’t change how much I love you. You can blow your top and throw a tantrum and I’m still going to love you.” His father’s advice some months back really hit home, then.
“Matt and I never fought.”
“Yeah, and that turned out well, didn’t it?” Ruthlessly, he had to push past his need to soothe her to keep going. “Come on, Liv. Putting Matt between us isn’t going to work. He doesn’t want to be there, first of all. Which is his mistake because losing you has to be the most asinine thing he’s ever done and believe me, I’ve known him my whole life and he’s done a lot of asinine things. And secondly, I’m not threatened. What you and I have is real. It’s messy and complicated and frustrating, but that’s what love is. You f**ked my brother for a while. And the fact that he didn’t love you isn’t about you being lacking. It’s about his own shit and your total incompatibility outside of bed. You’re a rock star in bed, Liv. I know you know that. But so what? It’s not everything and you know it. So after a while, people fall away because you can’t live on f**king alone. Brody is a douche bag and never was good enough for you and all the others have been the same. But I’m not them and you can’t hide from that.”
She stared at him, openmouthed, and he leaned back in his chair. “You can’t work me, Liv. I know you’re a bitch, I know you’re cranky, I know you’re loving, I know you’re smart and funny, I know you’re giving and generous. I’m not walking off because you’re not flawless. I don’t want a diamond, I want a wife.”
He smiled when she paled.
The man was infuriating! Liv snorted and resumed pacing. “You don’t want a wife, Marc.”
“Yes I do. I want you to marry me. Normally, I’d ask you on Christmas, it’s a family tradition you know. But instead I’m asking you right now. We can get married on Christmas instead. Yeah, the more I think about it, the better it sounds. What do you say?”
“You’re asking me to marry you in the middle of a fight? Are you out of your mind?” Her heart thundered as hope warred with terror.
“Liv, I lost my mind when I kissed you on Founder’s Day. We’ve established that already. That night when I first touched your lips I knew. I fought it for a while but it was useless so I gave in. And I didn’t want to resist you any more anyway. It’s funny but I don’t think I truly knew just how much I loved you until today when you took me to your momma’s grave. Because not only did you share that with me but it opened up that last barrier, the big one. People you love leave you.”
Grief, rage, fear and the ember of hope he’d stoked burst through her and a sob tore from her lips. “You don’t know anything!” But he did. Damn it, he did. How is it that he did and she didn’t?
Is this what people meant when they referred to a moment of clarity? Everything fell away then as she stood, weeping, letting it all rush through her. Jesus. He was right. Maggie was in her heart because they’d been friends before she lost her mother and how could she not love Nicholas when he came from the sister of her heart? But even Cassie and Dee she’d kept from loving fully. Matt, sweet wonderful Matt had never been right for her but he hadn’t been a challenge to be with. In the end she’d left because she knew he’d never love her but holy crap, she’d never really loved him either, not totally. She’d thought she had but as she compared it to the way she felt for Marc, it was a shallow, pale thing. How is it that she never really confronted this? How could she not have known?
She knew she had a basic fear when people around her got sick but this was huge. Man, like self help book huge. And Marc saw it. He saw it and he confronted it and he fought it. For her.
Dimly, she realized she’d slid to the floor and he’d moved closer, his hand on her thigh. “Let it go, baby. I’m not going to leave you. I love you. I adore you. You’re worth everything, don’t you see that? I didn’t leave you. I came after you. I will always work for you, for us. Because, Liv, that’s what real love is. I can’t guarantee I won’t die.” She caught his shrug through the veil of her tears.
“That’s beyond my ability to promise. But I’m a healthy guy, I work out, I eat right, I wear sunscreen and I want decades of happiness with you. All things that are in my favor long life wise. And being with you will keep my mind sharp because you’re a pain in the ass. A beautiful pain in the ass and worth it, but crotchety, cranky, defended, defensive and sulky sometimes too.”
“You’d like to think so. That way you could blow off what’s between us and continue to hold yourself back or keep hooking up with men you can control and never commit to fully.” He shrugged. “You can’t control me, Liv. I’m your equal. Snuck in there, didn’t I? I didn’t quite get that until I was way too far gone in love with you. I suppose I have my own share of emotional shit to shovel.”
Her hair stuck up from the way she kept running her hands through it and tugging at it. She looked like a pretty porcupine. It made him smile and she made a distressed sound. “What? What are you smiling at, Dr. Phil?”
He chuckled. “I love your sense of humor. I was smiling because I like looking at you. You’re cranky when you’re on the ropes.”
“Oh man, now you’re going to be patronizing on top of judgmental and self righteous?”
“I’m not judgmental, Liv. I’m in no position to judge you, even if I wanted to. And I’m not self righteous. I understand you. Drives you nuts too. We’re going to fight you know. It’s part of who we are. But fighting won’t change how much I love you. You can blow your top and throw a tantrum and I’m still going to love you.” His father’s advice some months back really hit home, then.
“Matt and I never fought.”
“Yeah, and that turned out well, didn’t it?” Ruthlessly, he had to push past his need to soothe her to keep going. “Come on, Liv. Putting Matt between us isn’t going to work. He doesn’t want to be there, first of all. Which is his mistake because losing you has to be the most asinine thing he’s ever done and believe me, I’ve known him my whole life and he’s done a lot of asinine things. And secondly, I’m not threatened. What you and I have is real. It’s messy and complicated and frustrating, but that’s what love is. You f**ked my brother for a while. And the fact that he didn’t love you isn’t about you being lacking. It’s about his own shit and your total incompatibility outside of bed. You’re a rock star in bed, Liv. I know you know that. But so what? It’s not everything and you know it. So after a while, people fall away because you can’t live on f**king alone. Brody is a douche bag and never was good enough for you and all the others have been the same. But I’m not them and you can’t hide from that.”
She stared at him, openmouthed, and he leaned back in his chair. “You can’t work me, Liv. I know you’re a bitch, I know you’re cranky, I know you’re loving, I know you’re smart and funny, I know you’re giving and generous. I’m not walking off because you’re not flawless. I don’t want a diamond, I want a wife.”
He smiled when she paled.
The man was infuriating! Liv snorted and resumed pacing. “You don’t want a wife, Marc.”
“Yes I do. I want you to marry me. Normally, I’d ask you on Christmas, it’s a family tradition you know. But instead I’m asking you right now. We can get married on Christmas instead. Yeah, the more I think about it, the better it sounds. What do you say?”
“You’re asking me to marry you in the middle of a fight? Are you out of your mind?” Her heart thundered as hope warred with terror.
“Liv, I lost my mind when I kissed you on Founder’s Day. We’ve established that already. That night when I first touched your lips I knew. I fought it for a while but it was useless so I gave in. And I didn’t want to resist you any more anyway. It’s funny but I don’t think I truly knew just how much I loved you until today when you took me to your momma’s grave. Because not only did you share that with me but it opened up that last barrier, the big one. People you love leave you.”
Grief, rage, fear and the ember of hope he’d stoked burst through her and a sob tore from her lips. “You don’t know anything!” But he did. Damn it, he did. How is it that he did and she didn’t?
Is this what people meant when they referred to a moment of clarity? Everything fell away then as she stood, weeping, letting it all rush through her. Jesus. He was right. Maggie was in her heart because they’d been friends before she lost her mother and how could she not love Nicholas when he came from the sister of her heart? But even Cassie and Dee she’d kept from loving fully. Matt, sweet wonderful Matt had never been right for her but he hadn’t been a challenge to be with. In the end she’d left because she knew he’d never love her but holy crap, she’d never really loved him either, not totally. She’d thought she had but as she compared it to the way she felt for Marc, it was a shallow, pale thing. How is it that she never really confronted this? How could she not have known?
She knew she had a basic fear when people around her got sick but this was huge. Man, like self help book huge. And Marc saw it. He saw it and he confronted it and he fought it. For her.
Dimly, she realized she’d slid to the floor and he’d moved closer, his hand on her thigh. “Let it go, baby. I’m not going to leave you. I love you. I adore you. You’re worth everything, don’t you see that? I didn’t leave you. I came after you. I will always work for you, for us. Because, Liv, that’s what real love is. I can’t guarantee I won’t die.” She caught his shrug through the veil of her tears.
“That’s beyond my ability to promise. But I’m a healthy guy, I work out, I eat right, I wear sunscreen and I want decades of happiness with you. All things that are in my favor long life wise. And being with you will keep my mind sharp because you’re a pain in the ass. A beautiful pain in the ass and worth it, but crotchety, cranky, defended, defensive and sulky sometimes too.”
