Clipped by Love
Page 117

Nodding my head slowly, I look down at the ground as he goes on. “I knew he liked you, Baylor. I just ignored it, figured it was some crush. But when he carried you to the house, his shirt full of puke, I knew it was more than a crush.”
“Yeah, you, and everyone else. I’ve fought it tooth and nail because I’m so scared to give up control and love him. Finally, I do, and I can’t even admit it to him. I tried to wait for the perfect time, when really, I should have done what I do best and scream it at him.”
“Why, though?”
I shrug. “I have no clue. Maybe because I’m scared he’d reject me. But then he already told me he loved me, so yeah, I don’t know, Dad. I just couldn’t do it. He’s honest and he doesn’t hold back, and I’m the total opposite. I hold everything back, and I guess I’m not honest because I lied to you and myself about how I felt,” I say, feeling like a complete failure. “It’s just there are so many variables that could happen—he could go to one team and me another, and then what if he doesn’t want to wait to see me and leaves me. I think it always comes down to the fact that he could leave me and that scares me.”
“But he could also stay.”
“Yeah, you’re right, I just need to believe in him and me, and I do. I have for a while now. But when I say it out loud, it’s real and it means something. If I keep it in, then nothing can hurt me, but, I just… I don’t know. I fucked up because that’s not true. Him walking away from me and not answering my calls or texts is killing me because I know I hurt him. So really, I was wrong all around, and I’m not sure how to fix it. But I know I have to, because I need him in my life.”
“You can fix it, Bay,” he says, and I look up at him.
“So you aren’t gonna freak out at me?” I ask, surprised.
He shakes his head. “No, Sinclair is a good guy. I agree that you need him in your life.”
“I thought no one was good enough for me?”
“No one is, but he wants to be. I can see it in his eyes.”
Those damn eyes, they are the story of his soul. His beautiful, amazing soul.
He adds, “But I am going to say that we really do need to rethink this whole NHL thing because of what happened today.”
But I come off the wall, shaking my head. “No way, Dad. That is in no way, shape, or form gonna hold me back. If anything, it’s going to push me to make it. McCarthy was a dick, and he was out to get me from the beginning.”
“He tried to rape you,” he reminds me, but I shake my head.
“But he didn’t. I fought him off, and I would have gotten away even if Jayden hadn’t walked in. I can take care of myself, and I know it won’t happen again, Dad.”
“You can’t guarantee that.”
“Okay, no, I can’t, but it’s time for me to fight for what I want. And I want to be happy. Jayden and hockey do that.”
“But there are other options,” he stresses, but I shake my head.
“I’m gonna be in the NHL. With Jayden. And we are going to be together. Not a damn thing will stop that.”
“Baylor, you’re doing that stubborn thing again,” he reminds me. “I’m only looking out for you because I love you.”
“I love you, Dad, but I have to do what I want, and I want these things. They can break me, hurt me, or betray me, but at least I tried. At least I did everything I could for the things I love.”
Looking away, he scoffs. “There is no talking you out of anything when you get your mind set on something, no matter what tries to bring you down,” he says as he stands, looking over me. “You’ve always been like that.”
He’s right. I have always been like that. When I want something, I go for it. I fight tooth and nail. The McCarthy thing happened, yeah, and it sucks. But I fought. He wasn’t going to get me. No matter what, I would have found a way out. But the thing is, I let it go. It happened, it sucked, but it doesn’t define me. I know it won’t happen again because I learned from it. Things happen in life for a reason, and do I really feel something like this will happen again? No, because if I did, I would agree with my father to not try to go into the NHL, but I don’t. My future isn’t in black and white, or even there for me to control, but I don’t care anymore.
Because I know that Jayden will be there with me. Ready to fight alongside me. And that’s all I need. Yeah, it’s taken a long time for me to admit it, maybe even realize it, but I know it’s true.
Now I just need to tell him that.
Baylor: I really need to talk to you.
Baylor: I’m really sorry.
Baylor: Please, answer me.
Baylor: I don’t know what to do here. I’m freaking out without you.
Baylor: Do you even want me to come today?
Baylor: I want to come but only if you want me there.
Baylor: Please answer me.
“Dude, why don’t you just answer the phone or text her back?”
Looking over at Jude from my phone, I shake my head as I drop it to put my cuff links on. My phone has been going off all day, hell, for the last two days, but I can’t face the situation yet. I’m still so hurt by what she did. Why couldn’t she just admit it? Why couldn’t she just say she loves me? Yeah, I can understand the whole lying to her dad—even though that did bother me. But when she looked me in my eyes, why didn’t she say it? It makes no fucking sense to me, and until it does, or until I don’t hurt anymore, I can’t talk to her.
Because I know I’ll give in and let her basically use me, I guess.
But even that doesn’t seem right. Yeah, she won’t admit it, but I know she loves me.
Ugh, I don’t know, this fucking sucks.
“I don’t want to talk to her,” I answer, looking away. “Don’t worry about me though. Today is the big day. It’s about you and Claire.”
“True, but I can’t have my brother stand next to me looking like all his hockey sticks were broken in half and caught on fire,” he throws back at me, and I shrug.
“Yeah, dude, you look pitiful. I know she messed up, but she’s trying to make it better,” Jace adds. “She’s been calling me. Begging me to tell you to call her.”
“I know,” I say, letting out a long breath. “It’s just… I feel like if I talk to her, she’ll make excuses or try to deflect from the real issue. I don’t even think she realizes why I’m so upset.”