I can’t say anything, because if I do, I’ll cry.
“He’s not dead. He’s Tet, for fuck’s sake. OK? He’s not dead.”
But we called Merc last night after we got the room and Merc said he can’t find him. “I think he’s dead,” I finally say.
Nick lets out a long breath. “We won’t know until we know, Sash. But… even if he is, he’d want me to keep going. He’d want Harper to be safe. And now that I know she’s back with my father, she’s not safe, Sash. I have to go get her. And get that fucking file.”
I roll over on the bed and turn my back to him. “You shouldn’t have let Harper have it if it’s so valuable.”
“She was safer with it, Sasha. It gave her power.”
“It almost got her killed.” I turn back over. “She was dead. James saved her.” I look away. “He saved me too,” I mumble.
“What’s the deal with the two of you?”
I sit up and throw the covers off because obviously sleep time is over. “What do you mean?” I’m still fully clothed so I just slip my feet into my boots and straighten my ponytail.
Nick gets up off the bed and when I turn to look at him, his scowl is even more pronounced. “He was possessive of you. He threatened me. Why was he acting that way? How long have you really known him?”
It’s my turn to squint my eyes. “A week? You know that, Nick. We talked about it before he came to get me. And a lot of good it did, making me stay out there for three fucking months.”
“Watch your mouth,” Nick snaps.
I flip him off and shoot him a look. “Don’t boss me around. I’m in a very bad mood.”
“I told you why you had to stay out there. The Admiral sent you to wait for Tet and when the Admiral gives you an order, you follow it.”
“Yeah, but you knew when James was coming. You knew he was in the OC with Harper. So explain why we didn’t just get a hotel in the next town over and wait him out there.”
Nick walks towards me smiling. I step back. But he grabs my arm and pulls me close. “We could’ve done that, Sasha.” He looks down on my face. I hate the fact that he’s so much bigger than me. I hate the fact that everyone is so much bigger than me. “But I like you, ya know. I like you and I don’t think I’d have been very good at keeping my hands to myself if we were bunking together for months.” He laughs. “I mean, I know you’re too young in my head, but you know, I’m just a eighteen-year-old guy.”
My cheeks heat up and I’m not sure if I’m blushing because he said that to me, or if I’m creeped out that he’s thinking about me sexually. “That’s bullshit,” I finally say. “You know you’re not allowed to touch me until I’m eighteen. I don’t think you have a self-control problem. I think you’re just up to other things and you don’t want me to know about them.”
“We’re not operating inside the Company boundaries, Sash. We can make our own rules if we want. And yeah to the last part too. I’m up to a whole bunch of shit that you will never know about. That’s life. You’re a girl. I’m a guy. You should be in school right now.”
“School?” I don’t even have a comeback for that. “What the hell world are you living in? I’m a Company kid with a hit on my head. What fucking school am I supposed to be in?”
“Language,” he whispers as he places his fingertips against my lips.
My whole body shudders. But I shrug it off and blink at him. “I’d love nothing more than to go back to school and grow up like a normal kid. But if I do that, then we’re not promised anymore.”
He tisks his tongue and tightens his grip around me as I wriggle to break free. “Is that what you want?”
“I have no idea what I want. But why I don’t want is you telling me what to think or how to act. Or just assuming I’m going along with your plans every second of the day. I’m one half of this team so I expect to be treated like a partner.”
He leans down until his warm breath skates across my ear. “We are partners, Sash. In every sense of the word. You were given to me, so you’re mine. But I’m not putting up this big resistance as a pretense, you understand. I’m doing this to change the future for all the Company kids who come after us. So if you think I’m bound to that promise your father gave under duress when you were born, you’re wrong. I don’t need a promise to get a wife. I’m quite capable of getting married all on my own. So”—his hand slides around the back of my neck and his fingertips slip up into my hair, sending chills down my whole body—“let’s just forget that promise right now and be together because we like each other.”
He smiles as I stare dumbly up at him and then he laughs and lets go of my head. His fingers slip through my hair, dragging against the sensitive skin of my scalp. And then they are gone. “Sasha Cherlin, I have something cool to tell you. Do you want to hear it?”
I swallow. “Is it something good?”
He nods and smiles. “Yeah. Come sit.” He walks over to the edge of the bed and sits down, then pats the mattress for me to follow.
I sit, but not too close. I don’t really know what’s happening.
“I was bumming around up in the mountains in Wyoming. Way the fuck out by Bighorn Lake. You know it, right?”
I shoot him a look. “Everyone knows where Bighorn Lake is.”
He laughs. “So I was up there in the mountains and I was so fucking lost. But there was like this park access road, so I walked up this road to the top of a hill and do you know what was up there?”
I shake my head as I stare into his eyes. He’s excited to tell me this and that makes me excited with him. “What was it?”
“That medicine wheel thing you were talking about last summer. Remember that?”
My throat starts to sting and my eyes start to water. “I was just talking to James about that a few days ago.”
“Huh,” Nick says, smiling. “I saw it.” He looks over at me and then his hand grips my shoulder and he flops backwards on the bed, taking me with him. We sigh together. “It was pretty cool. You’re gonna love seeing it.”
“I’m not going,” I say quickly. “I don’t want to go.” He says nothing to that. Just lets the silence take over until I feel the need to explain. “My dad was gonna take me this summer. I don’t want to see it with anyone else.”
“He’s not dead. He’s Tet, for fuck’s sake. OK? He’s not dead.”
But we called Merc last night after we got the room and Merc said he can’t find him. “I think he’s dead,” I finally say.
Nick lets out a long breath. “We won’t know until we know, Sash. But… even if he is, he’d want me to keep going. He’d want Harper to be safe. And now that I know she’s back with my father, she’s not safe, Sash. I have to go get her. And get that fucking file.”
I roll over on the bed and turn my back to him. “You shouldn’t have let Harper have it if it’s so valuable.”
“She was safer with it, Sasha. It gave her power.”
“It almost got her killed.” I turn back over. “She was dead. James saved her.” I look away. “He saved me too,” I mumble.
“What’s the deal with the two of you?”
I sit up and throw the covers off because obviously sleep time is over. “What do you mean?” I’m still fully clothed so I just slip my feet into my boots and straighten my ponytail.
Nick gets up off the bed and when I turn to look at him, his scowl is even more pronounced. “He was possessive of you. He threatened me. Why was he acting that way? How long have you really known him?”
It’s my turn to squint my eyes. “A week? You know that, Nick. We talked about it before he came to get me. And a lot of good it did, making me stay out there for three fucking months.”
“Watch your mouth,” Nick snaps.
I flip him off and shoot him a look. “Don’t boss me around. I’m in a very bad mood.”
“I told you why you had to stay out there. The Admiral sent you to wait for Tet and when the Admiral gives you an order, you follow it.”
“Yeah, but you knew when James was coming. You knew he was in the OC with Harper. So explain why we didn’t just get a hotel in the next town over and wait him out there.”
Nick walks towards me smiling. I step back. But he grabs my arm and pulls me close. “We could’ve done that, Sasha.” He looks down on my face. I hate the fact that he’s so much bigger than me. I hate the fact that everyone is so much bigger than me. “But I like you, ya know. I like you and I don’t think I’d have been very good at keeping my hands to myself if we were bunking together for months.” He laughs. “I mean, I know you’re too young in my head, but you know, I’m just a eighteen-year-old guy.”
My cheeks heat up and I’m not sure if I’m blushing because he said that to me, or if I’m creeped out that he’s thinking about me sexually. “That’s bullshit,” I finally say. “You know you’re not allowed to touch me until I’m eighteen. I don’t think you have a self-control problem. I think you’re just up to other things and you don’t want me to know about them.”
“We’re not operating inside the Company boundaries, Sash. We can make our own rules if we want. And yeah to the last part too. I’m up to a whole bunch of shit that you will never know about. That’s life. You’re a girl. I’m a guy. You should be in school right now.”
“School?” I don’t even have a comeback for that. “What the hell world are you living in? I’m a Company kid with a hit on my head. What fucking school am I supposed to be in?”
“Language,” he whispers as he places his fingertips against my lips.
My whole body shudders. But I shrug it off and blink at him. “I’d love nothing more than to go back to school and grow up like a normal kid. But if I do that, then we’re not promised anymore.”
He tisks his tongue and tightens his grip around me as I wriggle to break free. “Is that what you want?”
“I have no idea what I want. But why I don’t want is you telling me what to think or how to act. Or just assuming I’m going along with your plans every second of the day. I’m one half of this team so I expect to be treated like a partner.”
He leans down until his warm breath skates across my ear. “We are partners, Sash. In every sense of the word. You were given to me, so you’re mine. But I’m not putting up this big resistance as a pretense, you understand. I’m doing this to change the future for all the Company kids who come after us. So if you think I’m bound to that promise your father gave under duress when you were born, you’re wrong. I don’t need a promise to get a wife. I’m quite capable of getting married all on my own. So”—his hand slides around the back of my neck and his fingertips slip up into my hair, sending chills down my whole body—“let’s just forget that promise right now and be together because we like each other.”
He smiles as I stare dumbly up at him and then he laughs and lets go of my head. His fingers slip through my hair, dragging against the sensitive skin of my scalp. And then they are gone. “Sasha Cherlin, I have something cool to tell you. Do you want to hear it?”
I swallow. “Is it something good?”
He nods and smiles. “Yeah. Come sit.” He walks over to the edge of the bed and sits down, then pats the mattress for me to follow.
I sit, but not too close. I don’t really know what’s happening.
“I was bumming around up in the mountains in Wyoming. Way the fuck out by Bighorn Lake. You know it, right?”
I shoot him a look. “Everyone knows where Bighorn Lake is.”
He laughs. “So I was up there in the mountains and I was so fucking lost. But there was like this park access road, so I walked up this road to the top of a hill and do you know what was up there?”
I shake my head as I stare into his eyes. He’s excited to tell me this and that makes me excited with him. “What was it?”
“That medicine wheel thing you were talking about last summer. Remember that?”
My throat starts to sting and my eyes start to water. “I was just talking to James about that a few days ago.”
“Huh,” Nick says, smiling. “I saw it.” He looks over at me and then his hand grips my shoulder and he flops backwards on the bed, taking me with him. We sigh together. “It was pretty cool. You’re gonna love seeing it.”
“I’m not going,” I say quickly. “I don’t want to go.” He says nothing to that. Just lets the silence take over until I feel the need to explain. “My dad was gonna take me this summer. I don’t want to see it with anyone else.”
