“Hmmm. I can see your point. I mean, your dad would probably be mad if you went without him, don’t you think?”
I tisk my tongue. “Just don’t.”
“What? That’s your reason, right?”
I stare up at the ceiling.
“Because I know your dad was like that. All pissy about you being happy without him.”
“I know it makes no sense to you, but it does to me. There’s just no one else I want to see it with.”
Nick turns his head to the side. “Sasha,” he says. I turn mine too, and our faces are but a few inches apart. “I love you.”
I feel the tears well up.
“I love you and I only want what’s best for you. I want you to go to school. And live in a house. And never pick up a gun again. I want you to wear dresses and go to dances. And have dates with boys who take you to eat hamburgers. I want you to study dinosaurs and travel the world looking for clues about the past that no one else cares about.”
He stops and swallows. Like he needs to build his courage up. Another tear streaks across my face until his fingertips intercepts it just as it rounds my nose.
“And once you’ve done all that without me, you’re gonna realize that you can love more than once in a lifetime.”
“You’re going to be there with me,” I blurt as the tears pour out. “You’re my promise.”
He shakes his head. “The promise is over. You have to forget about it. You have to move forward and forget about it. And if your dad was here, he’d tell you to go see that medicine wheel.”
“We can go together, Nick. We can go up there together and you can show it to me.”
But he’s shaking his head before I’m even done. “I’m not going back.”
“I’m not going back either.”
He huffs out a small breath of air. I’m not sure if it’s a laugh or a sign of resignation. “Are you hungry?”
I nod.
“What do you want?” He stares at me. Stares into me.
“Pancakes,” I whisper.
“Then pancakes you shall have. I’ll go get them and you take a shower.”
And then he gets up and walks to the table to pick up his keys. “Get up,” he calls as he walks to the door. “I’ll be right back with the food.”
I get in the shower and let the hot water blast down on me. I’m just rinsing off the conditioner in my hair when I hear the room door open and close. I finish rinsing and then step out of the shower, wrapping the towel around me tightly. The room door opens and closes again and I peek my head out of the bathroom. “Nick?”
There’s no one in the room.
“Nick?”
I walk out and spot the food on the table. It’s wrapped up tightly in a plastic bag to keep it warm. But it’s what’s next to the food that stops my heart.
Money.
I walk over and pick it up, counting in my head. Four hundred dollars. There’s a folded piece of paper underneath the money and even though I do not want to pick that paper up and read what he wrote, I know I have to.
My hands tremble as I read his words.
Dear Sash,
I’m so sorry. But you and Harper—you two are the only reason I’m doing this. And if I took you with me, I’d be just as bad as my father. I’d be just as bad as James. I’m coming back, don’t worry. I paid the room up for two weeks and I’ll be back. I’ll find you a home, Sasha. I swear. You’re gonna have that life I told you about. Just stay here. Don’t call anyone. Don’t leave. Just please, stay here so I know you’re safe.
I can’t be your promise, it’s wrong. But you’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted. I hope you know that.
Nick
I cry silent tears as I read it over and over again. I never get dressed, just fall back on the bed in my towel as I try and come to terms with what’s happening to my life.
I am thirteen years old.
I’m homeless.
My family is dead.
James might be dead.
Harper is in big trouble.
My promise walked out on me.
Can it get any worse?
I have no idea how long I lie there before I get up and fish my phone out of my pocket and call Merc.
“Yeah,” he says after picking up on the first ring.
“I need you to come get me.”
“I’m on my way to Jackson. I’m out, man. You and Nick are gonna have to figure this shit out yourselves. I know when to cut my losses.”
“Nick left me in a hotel in Rock Springs. He’s going to save Harper himself and get that file back. How can you be out? You have the other half of the file.”
He’s silent for a few moments and then he lets off a long sigh. “If I come get you, we’re heading to my place in Jackson.”
“No,” I say firmly. “We’re heading to Santa Barbara where Nick thinks they took Harper. You owe me, Merc. You owe me. And this is what I want. I want to go to Santa Barbara and help Nick.”
“Kid, we’re gonna need an army to help Nick now. They are dead serious about killing us and going to meet them on their own territory is one of the more stupid ideas Nick has had lately.”
“I don’t care. I’m in, Merc. I have very few good things to hold on to in my life. James, Harper, and Nick are pretty much all I have left. And I’m not gonna let him go fix this shit alone. OK? So come get me.
Nothing but silence on the other end. But then Merc grumbles. “Fuck. I’m like two hours away. Where the hell are you?”
I tell him the name of the hotel and then I hang up and get dressed. I eat the pancakes because they came from Nick, but I have to force them down. And then I stuff the money in my pocket along with the room key and sit in front of the window until Merc’s truck pulls up in the parking lot.
I walk out the door and climb in the passenger side.
Merc takes out a smoke and lights it up, blowing smoke rings out the window as we head back out on the highway. “Do you know where the Santa Barbara place is? Because I sure don’t.”
I sigh. “I shouldn’t know. But I do.”
He laughs. “That’s the story of your life, kid.”
Ain’t that the truth? “We need an army, you said?” I look up at him, but he’s staring straight ahead. “I know where we can get an army.”
I tisk my tongue. “Just don’t.”
“What? That’s your reason, right?”
I stare up at the ceiling.
“Because I know your dad was like that. All pissy about you being happy without him.”
“I know it makes no sense to you, but it does to me. There’s just no one else I want to see it with.”
Nick turns his head to the side. “Sasha,” he says. I turn mine too, and our faces are but a few inches apart. “I love you.”
I feel the tears well up.
“I love you and I only want what’s best for you. I want you to go to school. And live in a house. And never pick up a gun again. I want you to wear dresses and go to dances. And have dates with boys who take you to eat hamburgers. I want you to study dinosaurs and travel the world looking for clues about the past that no one else cares about.”
He stops and swallows. Like he needs to build his courage up. Another tear streaks across my face until his fingertips intercepts it just as it rounds my nose.
“And once you’ve done all that without me, you’re gonna realize that you can love more than once in a lifetime.”
“You’re going to be there with me,” I blurt as the tears pour out. “You’re my promise.”
He shakes his head. “The promise is over. You have to forget about it. You have to move forward and forget about it. And if your dad was here, he’d tell you to go see that medicine wheel.”
“We can go together, Nick. We can go up there together and you can show it to me.”
But he’s shaking his head before I’m even done. “I’m not going back.”
“I’m not going back either.”
He huffs out a small breath of air. I’m not sure if it’s a laugh or a sign of resignation. “Are you hungry?”
I nod.
“What do you want?” He stares at me. Stares into me.
“Pancakes,” I whisper.
“Then pancakes you shall have. I’ll go get them and you take a shower.”
And then he gets up and walks to the table to pick up his keys. “Get up,” he calls as he walks to the door. “I’ll be right back with the food.”
I get in the shower and let the hot water blast down on me. I’m just rinsing off the conditioner in my hair when I hear the room door open and close. I finish rinsing and then step out of the shower, wrapping the towel around me tightly. The room door opens and closes again and I peek my head out of the bathroom. “Nick?”
There’s no one in the room.
“Nick?”
I walk out and spot the food on the table. It’s wrapped up tightly in a plastic bag to keep it warm. But it’s what’s next to the food that stops my heart.
Money.
I walk over and pick it up, counting in my head. Four hundred dollars. There’s a folded piece of paper underneath the money and even though I do not want to pick that paper up and read what he wrote, I know I have to.
My hands tremble as I read his words.
Dear Sash,
I’m so sorry. But you and Harper—you two are the only reason I’m doing this. And if I took you with me, I’d be just as bad as my father. I’d be just as bad as James. I’m coming back, don’t worry. I paid the room up for two weeks and I’ll be back. I’ll find you a home, Sasha. I swear. You’re gonna have that life I told you about. Just stay here. Don’t call anyone. Don’t leave. Just please, stay here so I know you’re safe.
I can’t be your promise, it’s wrong. But you’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted. I hope you know that.
Nick
I cry silent tears as I read it over and over again. I never get dressed, just fall back on the bed in my towel as I try and come to terms with what’s happening to my life.
I am thirteen years old.
I’m homeless.
My family is dead.
James might be dead.
Harper is in big trouble.
My promise walked out on me.
Can it get any worse?
I have no idea how long I lie there before I get up and fish my phone out of my pocket and call Merc.
“Yeah,” he says after picking up on the first ring.
“I need you to come get me.”
“I’m on my way to Jackson. I’m out, man. You and Nick are gonna have to figure this shit out yourselves. I know when to cut my losses.”
“Nick left me in a hotel in Rock Springs. He’s going to save Harper himself and get that file back. How can you be out? You have the other half of the file.”
He’s silent for a few moments and then he lets off a long sigh. “If I come get you, we’re heading to my place in Jackson.”
“No,” I say firmly. “We’re heading to Santa Barbara where Nick thinks they took Harper. You owe me, Merc. You owe me. And this is what I want. I want to go to Santa Barbara and help Nick.”
“Kid, we’re gonna need an army to help Nick now. They are dead serious about killing us and going to meet them on their own territory is one of the more stupid ideas Nick has had lately.”
“I don’t care. I’m in, Merc. I have very few good things to hold on to in my life. James, Harper, and Nick are pretty much all I have left. And I’m not gonna let him go fix this shit alone. OK? So come get me.
Nothing but silence on the other end. But then Merc grumbles. “Fuck. I’m like two hours away. Where the hell are you?”
I tell him the name of the hotel and then I hang up and get dressed. I eat the pancakes because they came from Nick, but I have to force them down. And then I stuff the money in my pocket along with the room key and sit in front of the window until Merc’s truck pulls up in the parking lot.
I walk out the door and climb in the passenger side.
Merc takes out a smoke and lights it up, blowing smoke rings out the window as we head back out on the highway. “Do you know where the Santa Barbara place is? Because I sure don’t.”
I sigh. “I shouldn’t know. But I do.”
He laughs. “That’s the story of your life, kid.”
Ain’t that the truth? “We need an army, you said?” I look up at him, but he’s staring straight ahead. “I know where we can get an army.”
