Coming Undone
Page 58
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“Of course you aren’t. If she really thought so, she wouldn’t have let you near that little girl. But some wounds don’t allow for rational thought. Sometimes people do things and the memory is so strong you can’t filter it out.”
“She told me I was pushing her buttons, but I thought she was just trying to push me into a fight. I want to help her.”
“She probably was trying to goad you into a fight, but being honest too. It’s hard to know what to take seriously and what to ignore. It’s reading between the lines, but that’s what you do sometimes with people you care about. Mostly, you want her to lean on you so you can fix it.”
He sighed. “Yes. I guess so.”
“Because you love her. You love her and you love that little girl. She’s not just a woman you’re seeing. She’s not even your girlfriend. It’s more than that, which is why the two of you clashed just now, because she knows more than most that you’ve taken care of other people for almost your whole life. And because she loves you too, she doesn’t want to be a burden to you. Telling you that story was a whole different level of trust. She’s trusting you to not reject her.”
Scrubbing his hands over his face, he finally admitted it to himself. He did love her and he adored Rennie. He wanted to be responsible for them because they were his just like Adrian and Erin were his. Shit.
“She’s just afraid. I know that feeling.” She took Brody’s hand and squeezed. “I really know that feeling, and it’s so dark and lonely there. She’s broken, like I was. I truly believe she loves you, because she’s been putting you first. I know you don’t see it that way, but she’s been trying to keep you free from what she sees as her baggage.”
“Fuck. Damn it, why can’t it just have been her being pissy?”
Erin laughed. “I’m sure she can be just plain pissy too. She’s a woman, after all. An artist, and you know how bad we can be.” She winked. “But I think there’s something more here. She’s hurting and scared.”
“So what should I do?”
She tugged his hair right above his ear. “You’re such a good man. Be persistent but not pushy. You could tell her you love her, but whatever, you’re being very pissy on that subject yourself.”
“I didn’t want a commitment. I didn’t want to love anyone else. I don’t have the room to.”
She grinned. “But?”
“Okay so yes. Okay? Yes, I love her. Fuck. She’ll be in classes all day and I have a full schedule too. Then Todd is coming over tonight, or going to her place, so I can’t be alone with her.”
“Call her. Leave her a voice mail and go to her tomorrow.”
She knew he’d come at some point. He’d called and left her a voice message the evening before, full of kindness and strength. He wasn’t angry with her, he just wanted to help. And would she let him? When she’d hung up, she ended up crying even more. Damn the man for being so sweet, but also so darned pushy.
But she wasn’t really ready for the emotional impact of seeing him there, reflected in the mirror as she stretched at the barre.
“Wow, you’re bendy.” He grinned and her apprehension kicked back a bit. “Do you have time to talk?”
He knew she did. She had a two-hour break between classes on Tuesdays. “Let me lock up.”
She’d hoped to be a bit calmer when she got back, but she wasn’t. Instead she went to where he sat in one of the parents’ waiting room chairs and sat across from him. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch yesterday. I just felt, gah, I don’t know. Defensive.”
He smiled and leaned to kiss her briefly. Enough to let her know he wasn’t mad. “Everyone gets a bad day. I wasn’t on my best behavior either. I can be sort of, um, high-handed when I’m worried about people. I’m sorry too. As for you? You had a lot on your mind. And I’m glad you shared it with me.”
He nuzzled her in that sensitive hollow just below her ear, and she knew she was in way over her head with him. But she couldn’t seem to want to stop herself.
“Would I be a total ass**le if I told you how much I needed you right now?” he murmured against her neck.
“Only if you didn’t make good on it.” She let go long enough to drag him to her office, but he had other ideas.
“Here.” He stopped in front of the mirrors. “I’ve wanted to f**k you here for months now.” His grin reflected as she looked up. “Not that all the other places I’ve had you here haven’t been pleasing.”
His hands went to her shoulders. “Just watch yourself. Watch as I peel you open and devour what’s beneath these clothes.”
She began to say something, but all she managed was a soft sound, the longing threading through it.
“Hands on the barre. Wait, let me get this off first.” He pulled her camisole up over her head and tossed it aside. Her ni**les hardened in the air and then as his fingers rolled and pulled until she had to tighten her hold to keep standing.
“I love the feel of you under my hands. Of the sharpness of your ni**les against my palm, of the swell of your br**sts and the way they fit so perfectly.”
He let go of said br**sts and pushed her skirt, leggings and panties down. She stared at their reflection. Of him, fully dressed, sun-kissed skin, the darkness of his hair and those soft curls she wanted to feel sliding through her fingers. And her, naked and slight, pale hair and skin, blue eyes to his depth of brown/black. Opposites on the outside, but in many ways, she and Brody were similar. More similar than dissimilar as it happened.
“She told me I was pushing her buttons, but I thought she was just trying to push me into a fight. I want to help her.”
“She probably was trying to goad you into a fight, but being honest too. It’s hard to know what to take seriously and what to ignore. It’s reading between the lines, but that’s what you do sometimes with people you care about. Mostly, you want her to lean on you so you can fix it.”
He sighed. “Yes. I guess so.”
“Because you love her. You love her and you love that little girl. She’s not just a woman you’re seeing. She’s not even your girlfriend. It’s more than that, which is why the two of you clashed just now, because she knows more than most that you’ve taken care of other people for almost your whole life. And because she loves you too, she doesn’t want to be a burden to you. Telling you that story was a whole different level of trust. She’s trusting you to not reject her.”
Scrubbing his hands over his face, he finally admitted it to himself. He did love her and he adored Rennie. He wanted to be responsible for them because they were his just like Adrian and Erin were his. Shit.
“She’s just afraid. I know that feeling.” She took Brody’s hand and squeezed. “I really know that feeling, and it’s so dark and lonely there. She’s broken, like I was. I truly believe she loves you, because she’s been putting you first. I know you don’t see it that way, but she’s been trying to keep you free from what she sees as her baggage.”
“Fuck. Damn it, why can’t it just have been her being pissy?”
Erin laughed. “I’m sure she can be just plain pissy too. She’s a woman, after all. An artist, and you know how bad we can be.” She winked. “But I think there’s something more here. She’s hurting and scared.”
“So what should I do?”
She tugged his hair right above his ear. “You’re such a good man. Be persistent but not pushy. You could tell her you love her, but whatever, you’re being very pissy on that subject yourself.”
“I didn’t want a commitment. I didn’t want to love anyone else. I don’t have the room to.”
She grinned. “But?”
“Okay so yes. Okay? Yes, I love her. Fuck. She’ll be in classes all day and I have a full schedule too. Then Todd is coming over tonight, or going to her place, so I can’t be alone with her.”
“Call her. Leave her a voice mail and go to her tomorrow.”
She knew he’d come at some point. He’d called and left her a voice message the evening before, full of kindness and strength. He wasn’t angry with her, he just wanted to help. And would she let him? When she’d hung up, she ended up crying even more. Damn the man for being so sweet, but also so darned pushy.
But she wasn’t really ready for the emotional impact of seeing him there, reflected in the mirror as she stretched at the barre.
“Wow, you’re bendy.” He grinned and her apprehension kicked back a bit. “Do you have time to talk?”
He knew she did. She had a two-hour break between classes on Tuesdays. “Let me lock up.”
She’d hoped to be a bit calmer when she got back, but she wasn’t. Instead she went to where he sat in one of the parents’ waiting room chairs and sat across from him. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch yesterday. I just felt, gah, I don’t know. Defensive.”
He smiled and leaned to kiss her briefly. Enough to let her know he wasn’t mad. “Everyone gets a bad day. I wasn’t on my best behavior either. I can be sort of, um, high-handed when I’m worried about people. I’m sorry too. As for you? You had a lot on your mind. And I’m glad you shared it with me.”
He nuzzled her in that sensitive hollow just below her ear, and she knew she was in way over her head with him. But she couldn’t seem to want to stop herself.
“Would I be a total ass**le if I told you how much I needed you right now?” he murmured against her neck.
“Only if you didn’t make good on it.” She let go long enough to drag him to her office, but he had other ideas.
“Here.” He stopped in front of the mirrors. “I’ve wanted to f**k you here for months now.” His grin reflected as she looked up. “Not that all the other places I’ve had you here haven’t been pleasing.”
His hands went to her shoulders. “Just watch yourself. Watch as I peel you open and devour what’s beneath these clothes.”
She began to say something, but all she managed was a soft sound, the longing threading through it.
“Hands on the barre. Wait, let me get this off first.” He pulled her camisole up over her head and tossed it aside. Her ni**les hardened in the air and then as his fingers rolled and pulled until she had to tighten her hold to keep standing.
“I love the feel of you under my hands. Of the sharpness of your ni**les against my palm, of the swell of your br**sts and the way they fit so perfectly.”
He let go of said br**sts and pushed her skirt, leggings and panties down. She stared at their reflection. Of him, fully dressed, sun-kissed skin, the darkness of his hair and those soft curls she wanted to feel sliding through her fingers. And her, naked and slight, pale hair and skin, blue eyes to his depth of brown/black. Opposites on the outside, but in many ways, she and Brody were similar. More similar than dissimilar as it happened.
