God, friends… freaking… rocked!
Suddenly she pulled back but her hands framed my face and she yanked mine close to hers. “I want you to make lots of babies. Lots and lots of them. You’re so cute and pretty. He’s so handsome. They’ll be beautiful. They’ll be brilliant. They’ll be loyal. They’ll be funny. They’ll be fabulous.”
Shit, I was so over this. Now Charlene was gonna make me cry.
“Charlene –” I started, my voice sounding hoarse but that was all I got out before she pulled my face even closer to hers, her wet, shining eyes were all I could see.
“Make him give you lots of babies. Make him, Sylvie.” It sounded like she was begging.
I didn’t think I would have a tough time convincing Creed to do this but still, I gave her what she wanted.
“I will, Charlene.”
She let my face go so she could throw her arms around me again and give me a deep, sweet, close hug.
I held her back just the same.
She did it sobbing quietly.
I did it breathing deeply.
We kept doing this until we heard shouting from outside, “Who the f**k are you? That’s my lawn, ass**le.”
We both shot away from each other, our heads turning and I stared as I saw Douchebag Dan stalking toward Creed.
I reacted faster and moved quicker than Charlene, who was sitting frozen on the couch, staring outside, her mouth hanging open.
My eyes went back to the window to see Dan advancing on a Creed, who’d stepped away from the lawnmower and turned his not unscary attention on Dan. I grabbed Charlene and shook her firmly but gently.
“Kids,” I hissed and looked down at her to see her tear her eyes away from the scene in the yard to bring them to me. “Keep them in the back. Don’t let them hear their Dad.”
“But, Danny’s back. I should go out –”
“Kids, Charlene. Now.”
She held my eyes a second before seeing the wisdom of my instruction and nodding.
I took off.
I hit the front door just in time to see Dan, for some Douchebag Dan reason, rearing a fist back and aiming a punch on Creed.
A second later, I stifled a laugh but not my smile when Dan ended this maneuver on his belly in the turf with his arm yanked up his back and Creed’s knee in his spine.
“You can’t assault me on my lawn!” Dan yelled.
“I can defend myself when you try to assault me, moron, and if you don’t shut the f**k up and calm the f**k down, I’ll show you what assault actually is,” Creed returned.
This exchange went down as I was making my way to them and it ended when I stopped three feet away.
“What are you doing here, Dan?” I asked and Dan twisted his neck, yanking it back in a way that looked kind of painful since he hadn’t quit struggling so Creed hadn’t loosened the pressure.
He looked up at me.
“Who the f**k is this guy?” he snapped.
“Charlene’s new boyfriend,” I lied and Dan’s eyes widened to huge and his mouth dropped open.
“Sylvie,” Creed rumbled.
I grinned at him with him shaking his head, his lips twitching.
Then I looked back at Douchebag Dan to inform him, “She traded up.”
“Get him off me,” Douchbag Dan demanded, still struggling.
“Uh… just a reminder. He did tell you that if you shut the f**k up and calm the f**k down, he’d let you up.”
“He told me he’d assault me if I didn’t do that.”
I shrugged. “Tomatoes, toe-mah-toes.”
Dan scowled at me as best he could, seeing as his face was mostly in grass.
Then he said, “Okay. Whatever. I’ll calm down. Tell him to let me up.”
I looked back at Creed who was still fighting a smile. “Although you aren’t deaf, just in case you missed it, he says he’ll calm down. You can let him up.”
Creed’s grin broke through and he waited a full five seconds before he pushed off and straightened away from Douchebag Dan. This, incidentally, made me love him more and I already loved him a whole f**kuva lot.
Dan struggled to his feet, swiping at grass clippings on his clothes as he took a healthy, and wise, step back from Creed while glowering at him.
“Are you seriously seeing my wife?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Creed lied. “She’s hot,” Creed did not lie.
Dan looked to the house, muttering, “I don’t believe this shit.”
“I don’t know what’s not to believe, Dan,” I stated. “Life goes on. Bills need to get paid. Women need to get laid. Lawns need to get mowed. Bonus for the kids, Tucker here,” I indicated Creed with a swing of my hand, “actually likes them.”
I saw Dan blanch even as his eyes narrowed on me.
“That wasn’t cool, Sylvie,” he said quietly.
Oh shit. I was getting mad.
I knew Creed knew it because he took a step toward me but I didn’t tear my eyes from Douchebag Dan.
“Are you kidding me? That wasn’t cool? You left them,” I reminded him.
“Maybe my head was screwed up but she’s f**kin’ another guy!” he shot back. “I’ve only been gone two months, for f**k’s sake.”
I leaned toward him. “Two months and a week, Dan,” I clipped. “You won’t know this because you didn’t do f**k all while you were here, so let me educate you. That extra week is a lot when you got three kids to take care of, one a toddler, one special needs and you got a lawn to mow, storm windows to take out, faucets that leak, a mortgage that needs to get paid, a car that needs fixed and a second job to get so you can try to make ends meet. You didn’t even leave her the new TV so she could hock it and maybe buy groceries for a couple of days.”
“I wasn’t gone long and she had the savings,” Dan returned.
“She had half the savings, Dan, and no word from you. She had no idea you’d come back. Hell, you didn’t even give her a head’s up you were going.”
“Then she’s blind and deaf, Sylvie, and you’re her best friend so you f**kin’ know it,” Dan shot back.
I hated to admit it but he was right even though the action he took wasn’t.
“So that’s okay, your nonverbal, man communication shoots by her because she’s got three kids to take care of and a full-time job? She should have known something was wrong and fixed it? That lets you off since Charlene didn’t make the effort to drag it out of you?” I threw an arm out. “Jesus, Dan, if you’re serious about that crap you’re more of a douchebag than I thought and I thought you were the King of Douchebags.”
Suddenly she pulled back but her hands framed my face and she yanked mine close to hers. “I want you to make lots of babies. Lots and lots of them. You’re so cute and pretty. He’s so handsome. They’ll be beautiful. They’ll be brilliant. They’ll be loyal. They’ll be funny. They’ll be fabulous.”
Shit, I was so over this. Now Charlene was gonna make me cry.
“Charlene –” I started, my voice sounding hoarse but that was all I got out before she pulled my face even closer to hers, her wet, shining eyes were all I could see.
“Make him give you lots of babies. Make him, Sylvie.” It sounded like she was begging.
I didn’t think I would have a tough time convincing Creed to do this but still, I gave her what she wanted.
“I will, Charlene.”
She let my face go so she could throw her arms around me again and give me a deep, sweet, close hug.
I held her back just the same.
She did it sobbing quietly.
I did it breathing deeply.
We kept doing this until we heard shouting from outside, “Who the f**k are you? That’s my lawn, ass**le.”
We both shot away from each other, our heads turning and I stared as I saw Douchebag Dan stalking toward Creed.
I reacted faster and moved quicker than Charlene, who was sitting frozen on the couch, staring outside, her mouth hanging open.
My eyes went back to the window to see Dan advancing on a Creed, who’d stepped away from the lawnmower and turned his not unscary attention on Dan. I grabbed Charlene and shook her firmly but gently.
“Kids,” I hissed and looked down at her to see her tear her eyes away from the scene in the yard to bring them to me. “Keep them in the back. Don’t let them hear their Dad.”
“But, Danny’s back. I should go out –”
“Kids, Charlene. Now.”
She held my eyes a second before seeing the wisdom of my instruction and nodding.
I took off.
I hit the front door just in time to see Dan, for some Douchebag Dan reason, rearing a fist back and aiming a punch on Creed.
A second later, I stifled a laugh but not my smile when Dan ended this maneuver on his belly in the turf with his arm yanked up his back and Creed’s knee in his spine.
“You can’t assault me on my lawn!” Dan yelled.
“I can defend myself when you try to assault me, moron, and if you don’t shut the f**k up and calm the f**k down, I’ll show you what assault actually is,” Creed returned.
This exchange went down as I was making my way to them and it ended when I stopped three feet away.
“What are you doing here, Dan?” I asked and Dan twisted his neck, yanking it back in a way that looked kind of painful since he hadn’t quit struggling so Creed hadn’t loosened the pressure.
He looked up at me.
“Who the f**k is this guy?” he snapped.
“Charlene’s new boyfriend,” I lied and Dan’s eyes widened to huge and his mouth dropped open.
“Sylvie,” Creed rumbled.
I grinned at him with him shaking his head, his lips twitching.
Then I looked back at Douchebag Dan to inform him, “She traded up.”
“Get him off me,” Douchbag Dan demanded, still struggling.
“Uh… just a reminder. He did tell you that if you shut the f**k up and calm the f**k down, he’d let you up.”
“He told me he’d assault me if I didn’t do that.”
I shrugged. “Tomatoes, toe-mah-toes.”
Dan scowled at me as best he could, seeing as his face was mostly in grass.
Then he said, “Okay. Whatever. I’ll calm down. Tell him to let me up.”
I looked back at Creed who was still fighting a smile. “Although you aren’t deaf, just in case you missed it, he says he’ll calm down. You can let him up.”
Creed’s grin broke through and he waited a full five seconds before he pushed off and straightened away from Douchebag Dan. This, incidentally, made me love him more and I already loved him a whole f**kuva lot.
Dan struggled to his feet, swiping at grass clippings on his clothes as he took a healthy, and wise, step back from Creed while glowering at him.
“Are you seriously seeing my wife?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Creed lied. “She’s hot,” Creed did not lie.
Dan looked to the house, muttering, “I don’t believe this shit.”
“I don’t know what’s not to believe, Dan,” I stated. “Life goes on. Bills need to get paid. Women need to get laid. Lawns need to get mowed. Bonus for the kids, Tucker here,” I indicated Creed with a swing of my hand, “actually likes them.”
I saw Dan blanch even as his eyes narrowed on me.
“That wasn’t cool, Sylvie,” he said quietly.
Oh shit. I was getting mad.
I knew Creed knew it because he took a step toward me but I didn’t tear my eyes from Douchebag Dan.
“Are you kidding me? That wasn’t cool? You left them,” I reminded him.
“Maybe my head was screwed up but she’s f**kin’ another guy!” he shot back. “I’ve only been gone two months, for f**k’s sake.”
I leaned toward him. “Two months and a week, Dan,” I clipped. “You won’t know this because you didn’t do f**k all while you were here, so let me educate you. That extra week is a lot when you got three kids to take care of, one a toddler, one special needs and you got a lawn to mow, storm windows to take out, faucets that leak, a mortgage that needs to get paid, a car that needs fixed and a second job to get so you can try to make ends meet. You didn’t even leave her the new TV so she could hock it and maybe buy groceries for a couple of days.”
“I wasn’t gone long and she had the savings,” Dan returned.
“She had half the savings, Dan, and no word from you. She had no idea you’d come back. Hell, you didn’t even give her a head’s up you were going.”
“Then she’s blind and deaf, Sylvie, and you’re her best friend so you f**kin’ know it,” Dan shot back.
I hated to admit it but he was right even though the action he took wasn’t.
“So that’s okay, your nonverbal, man communication shoots by her because she’s got three kids to take care of and a full-time job? She should have known something was wrong and fixed it? That lets you off since Charlene didn’t make the effort to drag it out of you?” I threw an arm out. “Jesus, Dan, if you’re serious about that crap you’re more of a douchebag than I thought and I thought you were the King of Douchebags.”
