Did he have it in him?
As he ran his hands through his hair, she moved to the edge of her seat and took his hand, rubbing her thumb along the back of it. “Vaughn, what’s wrong?”
Chewing on his lip, he looked down at their hands and shook his head. He couldn’t talk to Jensen. He had tried to get something out of him, but Vaughn didn’t want to hear “I told you so.” He definitely couldn’t talk to Wells because he would throw out some lovey-dovey bullshit, and Vaughn just couldn’t handle that. But as he sat there, he knew he couldn’t talk to Wren either. She was jaded by her own love life, and while he loved her, he knew she wouldn’t give him the advice he needed. She’d make him talk, and he didn’t want to talk. He wanted to know what he was feeling. What he was doing wrong.
“What’s wrong with me?”
Regretting even uttering that sentence, he closed his eyes as her thumb paused on his hand. “What do you mean?”
“Wren, come on. You know me. Tell me what’s wrong with me.”
When he met her confused gaze, she shrugged. “I mean, in what context? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to talk. I want you to tell me what’s wrong with me.”
Her brows were practically touching as she shook her head. “I don’t think anything—”
“Don’t lie to me.”
She pressed her lips together. “Well, you’re an asshole and cocky as shit. You push everyone away, minus the people who were in your life before Nathan and Hazel. I’m sorry to bring her up. But you’ve been broken since Nathan, and then you were shattered when she happened. I don’t know what you want me to say, but, Vaughn, even with all that, you are a good man. You have a heart of gold—”
“Is that why I push her away?” Standing up, he dropped Wren’s hand and walked around the chair, leaning into it as he pressed his head to the back of it. “So it’s the shit with Hazel, huh? I mean, fuck, it’s been almost ten years. Why can’t I forget her? Let go of her fucking shit? Why can’t I forgive my dad? Why do I hold everything in and not open up to anyone? Not even my best friends? Not even my therapist?”
He heard Wren get up, her heels clicking on the floor as she came up beside him. Placing her hand on his back, she rubbed it softly. This wasn’t normal practice, he was sure, but she was practically a sister to him. Plus, he was sure she was confused and scared because he never did this.
But she had… God, Brie…she’d shaken him. He could still see her tears. Feel her pain, and he knew he had done that.
After he’d promised he would never do that again.
“Vaughn.”
“No, I’m gonna go.”
But he didn’t move as her hand slid up and down his back. “Vaughn, you have forgiven your dad.”
“No, I still hate what he did. I can’t even talk to him.”
“I know, but with everything that happened, it tore you two apart. That’s not something someone can get over quickly. It was traumatizing, but you know he still loves you. Even if you two don’t talk.”
“It’s holding me back. I can’t trust or love anyone else because of them.”
“No, it’s not. Nothing is holding you back but you. You’ve forgiven everyone. Yes, you’re still upset and you have the anger issues, but you are holding yourself back. You’re the one who doesn’t want anything more than a night with someone. It’s you who won’t open up to anyone. It’s all you.”
Looking up at her, he nodded. “Then how do I fix it?”
“That’s all you, JoJo,” she said with a smile, cupping his face. “You have to want to share who you are, you have to want to tell someone your story. When that happens, then slowly you’ll get better. You’re so good at being closed off. You’re good at being Nate Way at the community because you’re not Vaughn Johansson there, the guy who lost his brother—and almost everything else because of some bitch. You can be this amazing man who has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. Vaughn is this hard exterior you wear, this playboy show-off. And while you’ve always been that guy, because you can be, the moment you allow Vaughn and Nate to merge, I’m pretty sure you’ll find that you’ll feel complete. Vaughn is a beautiful guy, he just uses Nate to show that. Does that make sense?”
Holding her gaze, he felt his eyes start to itch. “Yeah.”
She smiled. “Sometimes you let Nate out when you’re not at NateWay, but you stuff him back in real quick because you feel vulnerable. Again, that’s you. It’s your defense mechanism—because you haven’t always been like that. It happened when Hazel happened.”
“I know when it happened, Wrenny. That’s not my problem. My problem is I don’t know how to fix it.”
“I don’t either,” she admitted, holding his gaze. She smiled softly and she shrugged. “Maybe you have to have a reason to do it. Something to urge you into it. You always play your best when you’re under pressure—when the delayed call is on the other team and you want to score. You just need that call.”
He nodded. “I see what you did there.”
She grinned. “I’ve been working with hockey players a long time.”
Swallowing hard, he nodded. After a moment, he whispered, “I hurt her.”
Her shoulders fell as she cupped his face in a big-sisterly way, but she was really the little sister. He waited for her to ask who, she was nosy, but instead, she whispered, “Is it fixable?”
“I don’t know.”
“Have you tried?”
“No, because if I fix it, then what happens next?”
“What do you want to happen?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you need to figure that out, JoJo. Only you can decide how you want to live this insane thing called life. It’s all on you. No one can do it for you.”
Looking over at her, he gave her a weak smile. “So I can’t ask you to go talk to her?”
She scoffed. “No, and I wouldn’t because I want you to grow. I want you to be the amazing man I looked up to when I was younger. The one who built NateWay with your bare hands because you wanted to honor Nathan. I want— No, we all need that man back. The one before Hazel. You, above all, need him back.”
As he ran his hands through his hair, she moved to the edge of her seat and took his hand, rubbing her thumb along the back of it. “Vaughn, what’s wrong?”
Chewing on his lip, he looked down at their hands and shook his head. He couldn’t talk to Jensen. He had tried to get something out of him, but Vaughn didn’t want to hear “I told you so.” He definitely couldn’t talk to Wells because he would throw out some lovey-dovey bullshit, and Vaughn just couldn’t handle that. But as he sat there, he knew he couldn’t talk to Wren either. She was jaded by her own love life, and while he loved her, he knew she wouldn’t give him the advice he needed. She’d make him talk, and he didn’t want to talk. He wanted to know what he was feeling. What he was doing wrong.
“What’s wrong with me?”
Regretting even uttering that sentence, he closed his eyes as her thumb paused on his hand. “What do you mean?”
“Wren, come on. You know me. Tell me what’s wrong with me.”
When he met her confused gaze, she shrugged. “I mean, in what context? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to talk. I want you to tell me what’s wrong with me.”
Her brows were practically touching as she shook her head. “I don’t think anything—”
“Don’t lie to me.”
She pressed her lips together. “Well, you’re an asshole and cocky as shit. You push everyone away, minus the people who were in your life before Nathan and Hazel. I’m sorry to bring her up. But you’ve been broken since Nathan, and then you were shattered when she happened. I don’t know what you want me to say, but, Vaughn, even with all that, you are a good man. You have a heart of gold—”
“Is that why I push her away?” Standing up, he dropped Wren’s hand and walked around the chair, leaning into it as he pressed his head to the back of it. “So it’s the shit with Hazel, huh? I mean, fuck, it’s been almost ten years. Why can’t I forget her? Let go of her fucking shit? Why can’t I forgive my dad? Why do I hold everything in and not open up to anyone? Not even my best friends? Not even my therapist?”
He heard Wren get up, her heels clicking on the floor as she came up beside him. Placing her hand on his back, she rubbed it softly. This wasn’t normal practice, he was sure, but she was practically a sister to him. Plus, he was sure she was confused and scared because he never did this.
But she had… God, Brie…she’d shaken him. He could still see her tears. Feel her pain, and he knew he had done that.
After he’d promised he would never do that again.
“Vaughn.”
“No, I’m gonna go.”
But he didn’t move as her hand slid up and down his back. “Vaughn, you have forgiven your dad.”
“No, I still hate what he did. I can’t even talk to him.”
“I know, but with everything that happened, it tore you two apart. That’s not something someone can get over quickly. It was traumatizing, but you know he still loves you. Even if you two don’t talk.”
“It’s holding me back. I can’t trust or love anyone else because of them.”
“No, it’s not. Nothing is holding you back but you. You’ve forgiven everyone. Yes, you’re still upset and you have the anger issues, but you are holding yourself back. You’re the one who doesn’t want anything more than a night with someone. It’s you who won’t open up to anyone. It’s all you.”
Looking up at her, he nodded. “Then how do I fix it?”
“That’s all you, JoJo,” she said with a smile, cupping his face. “You have to want to share who you are, you have to want to tell someone your story. When that happens, then slowly you’ll get better. You’re so good at being closed off. You’re good at being Nate Way at the community because you’re not Vaughn Johansson there, the guy who lost his brother—and almost everything else because of some bitch. You can be this amazing man who has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. Vaughn is this hard exterior you wear, this playboy show-off. And while you’ve always been that guy, because you can be, the moment you allow Vaughn and Nate to merge, I’m pretty sure you’ll find that you’ll feel complete. Vaughn is a beautiful guy, he just uses Nate to show that. Does that make sense?”
Holding her gaze, he felt his eyes start to itch. “Yeah.”
She smiled. “Sometimes you let Nate out when you’re not at NateWay, but you stuff him back in real quick because you feel vulnerable. Again, that’s you. It’s your defense mechanism—because you haven’t always been like that. It happened when Hazel happened.”
“I know when it happened, Wrenny. That’s not my problem. My problem is I don’t know how to fix it.”
“I don’t either,” she admitted, holding his gaze. She smiled softly and she shrugged. “Maybe you have to have a reason to do it. Something to urge you into it. You always play your best when you’re under pressure—when the delayed call is on the other team and you want to score. You just need that call.”
He nodded. “I see what you did there.”
She grinned. “I’ve been working with hockey players a long time.”
Swallowing hard, he nodded. After a moment, he whispered, “I hurt her.”
Her shoulders fell as she cupped his face in a big-sisterly way, but she was really the little sister. He waited for her to ask who, she was nosy, but instead, she whispered, “Is it fixable?”
“I don’t know.”
“Have you tried?”
“No, because if I fix it, then what happens next?”
“What do you want to happen?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you need to figure that out, JoJo. Only you can decide how you want to live this insane thing called life. It’s all on you. No one can do it for you.”
Looking over at her, he gave her a weak smile. “So I can’t ask you to go talk to her?”
She scoffed. “No, and I wouldn’t because I want you to grow. I want you to be the amazing man I looked up to when I was younger. The one who built NateWay with your bare hands because you wanted to honor Nathan. I want— No, we all need that man back. The one before Hazel. You, above all, need him back.”
