“Fuck,” he mutters.
I say nothing.
“Fuck!” he bellows.
He regrets it. I can see it in his face. My heart cracks open. Of course he regrets it. He has a girlfriend. He just cheated on her, because of me. Tears burn under my eyelids and I stammer out, “I . . . I . . . I’m sorry, Tyke.”
“Should never have done that,” he mumbles to himself. “Fuck.”
God. Nothing could hurt more than those words.
I hang my head.
Never enough. Never, ever enough.
~*~*~*~
Tyke doesn’t say a word to me as I turn and walk away. He follows me, but silence is heavy between us. I shouldn’t have said those things, and I shouldn’t have kissed him back. It was a moment of weakness on both our parts, but it was enough to cause tension like no other. He probably never wants to speak to me again, now. I’ve made a mistake.
I climb into his truck and he gets in the other side. I tuck my knees up to my chest and stare out the window as he climbs in. He turns to me, and whispers, “Pip?”
I can’t answer. I don’t know how to. What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry? I’m not sorry? Am I to be angry with him for kissing me and then making me feel bad about it? I honestly don’t know.
He sighs, and starts the car. We sit in silence all the way home, and when he pulls up at my house, I climb out wordlessly. He gets out behind me, and when I reach the door, he takes my arm in his hand and turns me around. His eyes are pained as he stares into me. “I’m sorry, little one. I didn’t mean to do that.”
He didn’t mean to do that.
Slapping me would hurt less.
I nod stiffly, and then pull my arm from his and step into the house, slamming the door before he can get to it. I lock it and then slide down, dropping my head in my hands. A choking sob rips from my throat and my body shakes with hurt and shame. Mostly shame. I’ve never been so horrified in all my life.
I don’t know how long I sit like that, sobbing against the door, but I’m disturbed when a knock sounds out. My head jerks up and I wonder if Tyke has come back, but when I hear Maddox call out I quickly stand. I open the door without hesitation, and his eyes widen the moment he sees me. “Shit, Pippa, what the hell?”
“It’s nothing,” I say croakily, waving a hand. “Just a crappy work day.”
I hope Maddox knows I didn’t work today, or I’m in trouble. He narrows his eyes and says carefully, “Anything I can help with?”
“No. Why are you here? Is Santana okay? Molly?”
He smiles. “They’re fine, honey. I came to talk to you about your friend, Rainer.”
My heart stops beating. Oh God, if this is bad news I honestly don’t know if I can handle it. I swallow and nod, stepping back and waving my arm for him to come in. He does, kicking his boots off at the door. He walks to my couch and flops down, his big body taking up most of it. I sit over from him, staring with wide eyes.
“So, I looked into him, and turns out with a name like that he wasn’t hard to find.”
My heart is pounding so hard, I feel ill.
“Maddox, please,” I whisper.
He narrows his eyes. “What does this guy mean to you?”
I blink. “He was a friend of mine—the only one I had. Please . . . tell me he’s . . . he’s . . .”
“He’s alive, Pip.”
My body jerks, and a silent tear slips from my eye and trickles down my cheek. He’s alive. Oh God, he’s alive. All this time I’ve wondered what happened to him, and knowing he’s alive takes away so much of my pain.
“Where is he?” I whisper.
Maddox smiles. “That’s the good part. He lives here, Pippa.”
I blink. “Pardon?”
“He lives here; he has for the last two years. I don’t know his story, but I know he was in New York for a few years before packing up and moving out here. He owns a bar downtown. I went by, checked him out. He seems like a decent dude.”
“You . . . checked him out?” I squeak.
“Course I did,” he grunts. “Wasn’t giving you information on a dude that might be . . . dangerous.”
“Rainer would never hurt me, Maddox.”
He narrows his eyes. “Don’t wanna know how you’re so sure of that. Anyway, I spoke to him but didn’t tell him about you. Figured that was up to you. I got his address here. If you wanna go down, you can. If not, that’s up to you as well.”
He reaches into his jeans and pulls out a slip of paper. I take it with trembling fingers. Rainer lives here. Here. All this time, he’s been that close. Will he even remember me? God, what if I’m a bad memory from his past he doesn’t want to see again? My palms grow clammy and I fidget.
Maddox reaches over and pats my hand. “You decide what you gotta do, kid. I gotta run, got shit to deal with. You seen Tyke today?”
I flinch and look up. “Ah, yeah, I saw him a little while ago.”
“Good, was wondering where he got to. He’s got shit to do, too. Catch you later.”
He winks at me and stands, disappearing. I sit on the couch and stare at the paper in my hand. This seems too good to be true. Rainer is here, and he’s so close. I’ve wanted to see him again, to know he’s okay, and now the very idea terrifies me. Maybe I can call? Maybe if I hear his voice, it won’t be so terrifying.
Using my phone, I find the number for the bar and hit the call button. My hands are shaking as I count the rings. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
I say nothing.
“Fuck!” he bellows.
He regrets it. I can see it in his face. My heart cracks open. Of course he regrets it. He has a girlfriend. He just cheated on her, because of me. Tears burn under my eyelids and I stammer out, “I . . . I . . . I’m sorry, Tyke.”
“Should never have done that,” he mumbles to himself. “Fuck.”
God. Nothing could hurt more than those words.
I hang my head.
Never enough. Never, ever enough.
~*~*~*~
Tyke doesn’t say a word to me as I turn and walk away. He follows me, but silence is heavy between us. I shouldn’t have said those things, and I shouldn’t have kissed him back. It was a moment of weakness on both our parts, but it was enough to cause tension like no other. He probably never wants to speak to me again, now. I’ve made a mistake.
I climb into his truck and he gets in the other side. I tuck my knees up to my chest and stare out the window as he climbs in. He turns to me, and whispers, “Pip?”
I can’t answer. I don’t know how to. What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry? I’m not sorry? Am I to be angry with him for kissing me and then making me feel bad about it? I honestly don’t know.
He sighs, and starts the car. We sit in silence all the way home, and when he pulls up at my house, I climb out wordlessly. He gets out behind me, and when I reach the door, he takes my arm in his hand and turns me around. His eyes are pained as he stares into me. “I’m sorry, little one. I didn’t mean to do that.”
He didn’t mean to do that.
Slapping me would hurt less.
I nod stiffly, and then pull my arm from his and step into the house, slamming the door before he can get to it. I lock it and then slide down, dropping my head in my hands. A choking sob rips from my throat and my body shakes with hurt and shame. Mostly shame. I’ve never been so horrified in all my life.
I don’t know how long I sit like that, sobbing against the door, but I’m disturbed when a knock sounds out. My head jerks up and I wonder if Tyke has come back, but when I hear Maddox call out I quickly stand. I open the door without hesitation, and his eyes widen the moment he sees me. “Shit, Pippa, what the hell?”
“It’s nothing,” I say croakily, waving a hand. “Just a crappy work day.”
I hope Maddox knows I didn’t work today, or I’m in trouble. He narrows his eyes and says carefully, “Anything I can help with?”
“No. Why are you here? Is Santana okay? Molly?”
He smiles. “They’re fine, honey. I came to talk to you about your friend, Rainer.”
My heart stops beating. Oh God, if this is bad news I honestly don’t know if I can handle it. I swallow and nod, stepping back and waving my arm for him to come in. He does, kicking his boots off at the door. He walks to my couch and flops down, his big body taking up most of it. I sit over from him, staring with wide eyes.
“So, I looked into him, and turns out with a name like that he wasn’t hard to find.”
My heart is pounding so hard, I feel ill.
“Maddox, please,” I whisper.
He narrows his eyes. “What does this guy mean to you?”
I blink. “He was a friend of mine—the only one I had. Please . . . tell me he’s . . . he’s . . .”
“He’s alive, Pip.”
My body jerks, and a silent tear slips from my eye and trickles down my cheek. He’s alive. Oh God, he’s alive. All this time I’ve wondered what happened to him, and knowing he’s alive takes away so much of my pain.
“Where is he?” I whisper.
Maddox smiles. “That’s the good part. He lives here, Pippa.”
I blink. “Pardon?”
“He lives here; he has for the last two years. I don’t know his story, but I know he was in New York for a few years before packing up and moving out here. He owns a bar downtown. I went by, checked him out. He seems like a decent dude.”
“You . . . checked him out?” I squeak.
“Course I did,” he grunts. “Wasn’t giving you information on a dude that might be . . . dangerous.”
“Rainer would never hurt me, Maddox.”
He narrows his eyes. “Don’t wanna know how you’re so sure of that. Anyway, I spoke to him but didn’t tell him about you. Figured that was up to you. I got his address here. If you wanna go down, you can. If not, that’s up to you as well.”
He reaches into his jeans and pulls out a slip of paper. I take it with trembling fingers. Rainer lives here. Here. All this time, he’s been that close. Will he even remember me? God, what if I’m a bad memory from his past he doesn’t want to see again? My palms grow clammy and I fidget.
Maddox reaches over and pats my hand. “You decide what you gotta do, kid. I gotta run, got shit to deal with. You seen Tyke today?”
I flinch and look up. “Ah, yeah, I saw him a little while ago.”
“Good, was wondering where he got to. He’s got shit to do, too. Catch you later.”
He winks at me and stands, disappearing. I sit on the couch and stare at the paper in my hand. This seems too good to be true. Rainer is here, and he’s so close. I’ve wanted to see him again, to know he’s okay, and now the very idea terrifies me. Maybe I can call? Maybe if I hear his voice, it won’t be so terrifying.
Using my phone, I find the number for the bar and hit the call button. My hands are shaking as I count the rings. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
