I tuned him out. I couldn’t bear to listen to another word.
In all my years of aspiring to be a doctor, I’d always pictured myself running through the halls of the number one hospital in the state. The hospital I was currently sitting in right now, the very same one where I just worked my ass off as an intern. I’d never, ever dreamed of entering a private practice, let alone working at one because I always felt that their doctor-to-patient ratios were far too small. Too little variety in the cases to really challenge me.
“Are you listening to me, Dr. Madison?” The chief’s voice cut through my thoughts.
“No, sir.” I admitted. “Not at all.”
“I figured.” He stood up and walked over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders. “Human Resources put a ton of work into the file I just gave you. It’s everything you need to know about Park Avenue Wellness Group and why we think this is going to be a total game-changer for your career. These things happen for a reason, you know?”
These things happen when you hire people who don’t know how to count ...
I forced myself to smile and extended my hand. “Thank you for being such a great mentor, Chief Tomlin.”
“No, thank you for being one of the best students I’ve ever had the pleasure of teaching.” He shook my hand. “And hey, this is just a minor setback. The second you complete your residency, give me a call. I’ll move hell and high water to get you onto the official staff here.”
I didn’t have the energy to entertain that last comment right now. I simply picked up the file he gave me, stated my thanks one last time, and left his office. Not wanting to prolong my cruel change of fate any longer, I took the elevator to the bottom level and headed into the interns’ locker room. I pulled out my white coat and my change of scrubs, and quickly stuffed all of my textbooks and binders into my backpack.
Ignoring the “What’s wrong, Natalie?” and “Why are you crying?” from my colleagues, I left the hospital and tossed the file about Park Avenue Wellness Group into the first city trash bin I saw.
***
Later that night, I sat across from the man I’d met via the NewYorkMinute dating app, Charles Landon. I was determined to turn this day around and was very much looking forward to rubbing this night in D-Doctor’s face by telling him all about the many ways Charles fucked me.
Why do I get so aroused by telling a stranger about my non-existent sex life and fantasies?
“Um, are you going to order something to drink, Natalie?” Charles waved his hand in front of my face and I realized the waiter was staring at me and tapping his notepad.
“Oh, yeah.” I glanced at the wine selection on the menu. “I’ll have a glass of Château Guiraud.”
“An excellent selection, Miss.” The waiter smiled. “Might I also suggest —”
“That wine is seventy dollars a glass,” Charles interrupted, frowning. “I don’t think so. Can you pick something else, please?”
“Oh, sorry,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was that high.” I glanced at the wine menu again. “Can I have the Château Piedmont, then?”
“That’s thirteen dollars a glass.” Charles shook his head. “How about the Shirley Temple?”
“Sir,” the waiter said, looking just as confused as me. “The Shirley Temple isn’t a wine. It’s a fancy way for our adolescent patrons to order ginger ale with a dash of fruit syrup and a maraschino cherry.”
“It’s also perfectly priced at four dollars.” Charles snatched my drink menu away and handed it to the waiter. “We’re just here for the drinks and the atmosphere. We’re getting Burger King after this, thanks.”
“Okay ...” The waiter gave me a look of “What the fuck?” and I forced myself to smile. “One Shirley Temple and a glass of water.”’
“With no lemon.” Charles wagged his finger. “You all charge for the lemon here.”
The waiter shook his head. “I’ll be right back.”
“So, how was your day today, Natalie?” Charles didn’t let the topic of his cheapness linger longer than a second.
“It was —” I paused, contemplating whether I should tell him I was let go and reassigned to another practice at the last minute, but I hadn’t even told my best friend yet. “It was great. Really, really great.”
“Mine was, too. Especially now. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you in person for quite some time.”
“Me, too.” I sipped my Shirley Temple the second the waiter set it down.
“Would you two like to share a breadstick to go with your drinks?” he asked. “A complimentary napkin, perhaps?”
“Possibly. Give us a minute, please.” Charles motioned for him to step away. “Are you still interested in coming back to my place tonight, Natalie?”
I nodded. I was still slightly speechless about the fact that he was actually taking me to Burger King after this. That, and the fact that I was going to have to mentally trick myself into thinking about something other than his cheap-ness, if this was going to work for me.
“Great! Well, there’s something I really need to tell you before we leave here. Something rather important.”
“Let me guess, you’re married?” I slung my purse over my shoulder in preparation of a “yes.”
“Ha!” he laughed. “Never. This isn’t that serious. It’s just that — Well, remember all those sext messages I’ve sent you over the weeks?”
“I remember them very well.”
“Well, good but I have to come clean. We can only have a certain type of sex because I ...”
“Because you what?”
“Because ...” He lowered his voice. “I have penile agenesis.”
Penile agenesis? I shook my head in utter disbelief. That couldn’t be.
“Do you mean erectile dysfunction?” I asked. “That’s nothing to be whispering about. It’s actually a lot more common than you may think, and not a huge deal. I say that, because you can’t possibly mean penile agenesis. That means —”
“It means I was born without a penis.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I know exactly what it means, that’s exactly why I said it.”
In all my years of aspiring to be a doctor, I’d always pictured myself running through the halls of the number one hospital in the state. The hospital I was currently sitting in right now, the very same one where I just worked my ass off as an intern. I’d never, ever dreamed of entering a private practice, let alone working at one because I always felt that their doctor-to-patient ratios were far too small. Too little variety in the cases to really challenge me.
“Are you listening to me, Dr. Madison?” The chief’s voice cut through my thoughts.
“No, sir.” I admitted. “Not at all.”
“I figured.” He stood up and walked over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders. “Human Resources put a ton of work into the file I just gave you. It’s everything you need to know about Park Avenue Wellness Group and why we think this is going to be a total game-changer for your career. These things happen for a reason, you know?”
These things happen when you hire people who don’t know how to count ...
I forced myself to smile and extended my hand. “Thank you for being such a great mentor, Chief Tomlin.”
“No, thank you for being one of the best students I’ve ever had the pleasure of teaching.” He shook my hand. “And hey, this is just a minor setback. The second you complete your residency, give me a call. I’ll move hell and high water to get you onto the official staff here.”
I didn’t have the energy to entertain that last comment right now. I simply picked up the file he gave me, stated my thanks one last time, and left his office. Not wanting to prolong my cruel change of fate any longer, I took the elevator to the bottom level and headed into the interns’ locker room. I pulled out my white coat and my change of scrubs, and quickly stuffed all of my textbooks and binders into my backpack.
Ignoring the “What’s wrong, Natalie?” and “Why are you crying?” from my colleagues, I left the hospital and tossed the file about Park Avenue Wellness Group into the first city trash bin I saw.
***
Later that night, I sat across from the man I’d met via the NewYorkMinute dating app, Charles Landon. I was determined to turn this day around and was very much looking forward to rubbing this night in D-Doctor’s face by telling him all about the many ways Charles fucked me.
Why do I get so aroused by telling a stranger about my non-existent sex life and fantasies?
“Um, are you going to order something to drink, Natalie?” Charles waved his hand in front of my face and I realized the waiter was staring at me and tapping his notepad.
“Oh, yeah.” I glanced at the wine selection on the menu. “I’ll have a glass of Château Guiraud.”
“An excellent selection, Miss.” The waiter smiled. “Might I also suggest —”
“That wine is seventy dollars a glass,” Charles interrupted, frowning. “I don’t think so. Can you pick something else, please?”
“Oh, sorry,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was that high.” I glanced at the wine menu again. “Can I have the Château Piedmont, then?”
“That’s thirteen dollars a glass.” Charles shook his head. “How about the Shirley Temple?”
“Sir,” the waiter said, looking just as confused as me. “The Shirley Temple isn’t a wine. It’s a fancy way for our adolescent patrons to order ginger ale with a dash of fruit syrup and a maraschino cherry.”
“It’s also perfectly priced at four dollars.” Charles snatched my drink menu away and handed it to the waiter. “We’re just here for the drinks and the atmosphere. We’re getting Burger King after this, thanks.”
“Okay ...” The waiter gave me a look of “What the fuck?” and I forced myself to smile. “One Shirley Temple and a glass of water.”’
“With no lemon.” Charles wagged his finger. “You all charge for the lemon here.”
The waiter shook his head. “I’ll be right back.”
“So, how was your day today, Natalie?” Charles didn’t let the topic of his cheapness linger longer than a second.
“It was —” I paused, contemplating whether I should tell him I was let go and reassigned to another practice at the last minute, but I hadn’t even told my best friend yet. “It was great. Really, really great.”
“Mine was, too. Especially now. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you in person for quite some time.”
“Me, too.” I sipped my Shirley Temple the second the waiter set it down.
“Would you two like to share a breadstick to go with your drinks?” he asked. “A complimentary napkin, perhaps?”
“Possibly. Give us a minute, please.” Charles motioned for him to step away. “Are you still interested in coming back to my place tonight, Natalie?”
I nodded. I was still slightly speechless about the fact that he was actually taking me to Burger King after this. That, and the fact that I was going to have to mentally trick myself into thinking about something other than his cheap-ness, if this was going to work for me.
“Great! Well, there’s something I really need to tell you before we leave here. Something rather important.”
“Let me guess, you’re married?” I slung my purse over my shoulder in preparation of a “yes.”
“Ha!” he laughed. “Never. This isn’t that serious. It’s just that — Well, remember all those sext messages I’ve sent you over the weeks?”
“I remember them very well.”
“Well, good but I have to come clean. We can only have a certain type of sex because I ...”
“Because you what?”
“Because ...” He lowered his voice. “I have penile agenesis.”
Penile agenesis? I shook my head in utter disbelief. That couldn’t be.
“Do you mean erectile dysfunction?” I asked. “That’s nothing to be whispering about. It’s actually a lot more common than you may think, and not a huge deal. I say that, because you can’t possibly mean penile agenesis. That means —”
“It means I was born without a penis.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I know exactly what it means, that’s exactly why I said it.”
