She needed me. I knew that. I needed her; something I was just beginning to understand.
I left. Separating us.
I screamed out, cursing myself, my life, and cursing her, though innocent, for entering my solitary existence and turning my purgatory upside down.
My hands snapped the wallboard off the nails that were holding it onto their wooden supports. In my fury I tore, pulled, and yanked the walls down until there was nothing left.
No holes. No walls. No reminder.
Nothing.
I stood, breathing hard, in the middle of the entryway. Sweat poured down my face, plaster dust clung to my wet skin and clothing. The air was thick with a white haze, the drywall bits covered the floor, beaten.
And still I could feel her presence.
I fell to my knees, the dust floating back into the air.
My arms itched from the powder coating my skin and I coughed, gagging on the chalky substance hovering in the air. Didn’t matter. I deserved to suffer.
My body began shaking as I sat there in defeat. In the future I would mourn two losses of my love on that date: my wife and my Lila.
I wouldn’t let what happened to her happen to Lila. I couldn’t. Lila would live. Lila would meet someone worthy and start a family. Lila would be happy.
But not with me.
A sob erupted from my chest, startling me. The sting of tears in my eyes was disconcerting as my loss crushed me. I mourned them; one taken from me and the other I threw away.
Tears spilled down my cheeks, my body finally having had enough; enough fighting, enough feeling.
Enough.
The next morning my alarm went off, but I was already awake. My eyes were glued to the ceiling, staring blankly at the white expanse. In the time I was staring I noticed the nail pops, small cracks in the plasterboard, and the all-consuming ache in my chest.
I slept terribly; tossing and turning, fighting nightmares, and periods of insomnia.
As I laid there, I realized it was the first night in months that Lila wasn't next to me in the bed. Her delectable cherry blossom scent and warmth filling the room. It’d been months since I’d awoken without her soft body curled into mine, our limbs entangled.
Instead the bed was cold.
No good morning kisses.
No morning sex with my goddess.
No sweet smiles from my Honeybear.
No Lila.
My Lila.
An hour later, on autopilot, I was dressed and walking to my car. I noted hers was still in her parking spot a few down from mine. In the rearview mirror the dark circles around my blood-shot eyes made them stand out; evidence of my sleepless night.
I arrived at our office and breathed in her sweet scent that still lingered there. Sitting at my desk, I went straight to work and braced myself for her entrance. It was almost seven thirty; she would be there any moment.
Halfway through the Anderson contract and still no Lila. Odd, as it was a few minutes past eight. Then again, after what I’d done, I didn't expect her to come in early.
At eight forty-five she still wasn’t there.
I checked my phone every few minutes to make sure I hadn't missed her call. My leg started bouncing in agitation. In my head I began to spin different scenarios of why she was late, some of them causing me to worry about what might have happened to her.
The Boob Squad left me alone, obviously noting my mood. Thank God, because there was no way I could deal with them that day.
By nine fifteen I was pulling at my hair, when Caroline stuck her head in to say good morning and stopped as she noticed the empty desk.
"Where's Lila?" she asked.
I kept my focus on my work, refusing to meet her eyes. "I don't know."
She closed the door behind her and her tone, when she spoke , contained enough force to draw my attention. "What do you mean you don't know?"
I shook my head, my brain trying to find the words so she could understand. "I couldn't keep hurting her, Caroline."
There was a knock on the door before Andrew entered. I watched his bright smile fade when he noticed the scene in front of him. "What did you do?"
I leaned forward, my elbows resting on the desk, my hands pulling at my neck. "I ended it. I hurt her, and then I ended it."
"You f**king moron!" Caroline screamed at me.
At the same time Andrew yelled, "I can't believe I f**king trusted her with you!"
Caroline's hand collided with my right cheek, and I welcomed the physical pain. "You...She's in love with you!" My head swung back to meet her fierce gaze, my eyes wide in disbelief. "Do you have any f**king clue what you've done?"
It felt like the floor was falling out from beneath my feet.
No, oh please no. Don't love me. Please don't let it be true. They'll kill you. They'll kill you like they did her.
"Give me your key and I swear to God if she...if she isn't all right I will kill you!"
I stared up at Caroline, believing her threat. "I don't have her key. I gave it back."
“And how did she take all of this?”
“I don’t know. She passed out. I…I took her and placed her in her bed. I told her in a letter, though I’m sure she understood with my actions, and I switched out our keys before I left.”
“You f**king coward!” Andrew said; every muscle was tense, and I wondered when he was going to hit me. I deserved it.
I flinched at his words, but agreed with him.
“We need to check on her and we need to do it now,” Caroline said, pacing in front of me. “I’ll call her cell, if she doesn’t answer we are going over there and you will get us in.”
I nodded in agreement, my chest tightening.
She was all right, she had to be. She was just upset. She’d be fine.
I tried to convince myself over and over. It wasn’t enough. Opening up my desk drawer I pulled out my anti-anxiety pills and took one, then stuffed the bottle into my pocket.
Caroline wasn’t able to get ahold of Lila, so we headed out, leaving word with Jack’s assistant about the situation, leaving out the part about my relationship. The assistant hadn’t heard from her either and confirmed she would alert Jack of the situation and our absence.
I let out a sigh that Jack wasn’t available. I wasn’t sure I could face him right then, or lie to him anyway. He knew me too well and could call my bullshit. One look and he would know. He would know that we were something more.
We all piled into my car and ten minutes later we were in the parking lot of our building. Her car was where I had last seen it, cool and unused, in her parking spot.
I left. Separating us.
I screamed out, cursing myself, my life, and cursing her, though innocent, for entering my solitary existence and turning my purgatory upside down.
My hands snapped the wallboard off the nails that were holding it onto their wooden supports. In my fury I tore, pulled, and yanked the walls down until there was nothing left.
No holes. No walls. No reminder.
Nothing.
I stood, breathing hard, in the middle of the entryway. Sweat poured down my face, plaster dust clung to my wet skin and clothing. The air was thick with a white haze, the drywall bits covered the floor, beaten.
And still I could feel her presence.
I fell to my knees, the dust floating back into the air.
My arms itched from the powder coating my skin and I coughed, gagging on the chalky substance hovering in the air. Didn’t matter. I deserved to suffer.
My body began shaking as I sat there in defeat. In the future I would mourn two losses of my love on that date: my wife and my Lila.
I wouldn’t let what happened to her happen to Lila. I couldn’t. Lila would live. Lila would meet someone worthy and start a family. Lila would be happy.
But not with me.
A sob erupted from my chest, startling me. The sting of tears in my eyes was disconcerting as my loss crushed me. I mourned them; one taken from me and the other I threw away.
Tears spilled down my cheeks, my body finally having had enough; enough fighting, enough feeling.
Enough.
The next morning my alarm went off, but I was already awake. My eyes were glued to the ceiling, staring blankly at the white expanse. In the time I was staring I noticed the nail pops, small cracks in the plasterboard, and the all-consuming ache in my chest.
I slept terribly; tossing and turning, fighting nightmares, and periods of insomnia.
As I laid there, I realized it was the first night in months that Lila wasn't next to me in the bed. Her delectable cherry blossom scent and warmth filling the room. It’d been months since I’d awoken without her soft body curled into mine, our limbs entangled.
Instead the bed was cold.
No good morning kisses.
No morning sex with my goddess.
No sweet smiles from my Honeybear.
No Lila.
My Lila.
An hour later, on autopilot, I was dressed and walking to my car. I noted hers was still in her parking spot a few down from mine. In the rearview mirror the dark circles around my blood-shot eyes made them stand out; evidence of my sleepless night.
I arrived at our office and breathed in her sweet scent that still lingered there. Sitting at my desk, I went straight to work and braced myself for her entrance. It was almost seven thirty; she would be there any moment.
Halfway through the Anderson contract and still no Lila. Odd, as it was a few minutes past eight. Then again, after what I’d done, I didn't expect her to come in early.
At eight forty-five she still wasn’t there.
I checked my phone every few minutes to make sure I hadn't missed her call. My leg started bouncing in agitation. In my head I began to spin different scenarios of why she was late, some of them causing me to worry about what might have happened to her.
The Boob Squad left me alone, obviously noting my mood. Thank God, because there was no way I could deal with them that day.
By nine fifteen I was pulling at my hair, when Caroline stuck her head in to say good morning and stopped as she noticed the empty desk.
"Where's Lila?" she asked.
I kept my focus on my work, refusing to meet her eyes. "I don't know."
She closed the door behind her and her tone, when she spoke , contained enough force to draw my attention. "What do you mean you don't know?"
I shook my head, my brain trying to find the words so she could understand. "I couldn't keep hurting her, Caroline."
There was a knock on the door before Andrew entered. I watched his bright smile fade when he noticed the scene in front of him. "What did you do?"
I leaned forward, my elbows resting on the desk, my hands pulling at my neck. "I ended it. I hurt her, and then I ended it."
"You f**king moron!" Caroline screamed at me.
At the same time Andrew yelled, "I can't believe I f**king trusted her with you!"
Caroline's hand collided with my right cheek, and I welcomed the physical pain. "You...She's in love with you!" My head swung back to meet her fierce gaze, my eyes wide in disbelief. "Do you have any f**king clue what you've done?"
It felt like the floor was falling out from beneath my feet.
No, oh please no. Don't love me. Please don't let it be true. They'll kill you. They'll kill you like they did her.
"Give me your key and I swear to God if she...if she isn't all right I will kill you!"
I stared up at Caroline, believing her threat. "I don't have her key. I gave it back."
“And how did she take all of this?”
“I don’t know. She passed out. I…I took her and placed her in her bed. I told her in a letter, though I’m sure she understood with my actions, and I switched out our keys before I left.”
“You f**king coward!” Andrew said; every muscle was tense, and I wondered when he was going to hit me. I deserved it.
I flinched at his words, but agreed with him.
“We need to check on her and we need to do it now,” Caroline said, pacing in front of me. “I’ll call her cell, if she doesn’t answer we are going over there and you will get us in.”
I nodded in agreement, my chest tightening.
She was all right, she had to be. She was just upset. She’d be fine.
I tried to convince myself over and over. It wasn’t enough. Opening up my desk drawer I pulled out my anti-anxiety pills and took one, then stuffed the bottle into my pocket.
Caroline wasn’t able to get ahold of Lila, so we headed out, leaving word with Jack’s assistant about the situation, leaving out the part about my relationship. The assistant hadn’t heard from her either and confirmed she would alert Jack of the situation and our absence.
I let out a sigh that Jack wasn’t available. I wasn’t sure I could face him right then, or lie to him anyway. He knew me too well and could call my bullshit. One look and he would know. He would know that we were something more.
We all piled into my car and ten minutes later we were in the parking lot of our building. Her car was where I had last seen it, cool and unused, in her parking spot.
