Fighting to Be Free
Page 108
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“You okay?”
I laughed incredulously and rolled my eyes. “Screw you,” I retorted. He needed to give up the kind and caring boyfriend routine. The stupid boy was a murdering car thief who worked as part of a gang. This was the real Jamie Cole, not the illusion that he’d shown me for the last six months.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. His face was a mask of sorrow and I felt my stomach quiver as guilt built up inside me because I’d made him feel bad. Then I got even angrier because I’d done nothing wrong yet he was making me feel guilty for wanting to know the truth. Damn it, why could I never stay mad at people? I sucked!
“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” I snapped.
He sighed deeply. “This is exactly why I didn’t want you to know. I can’t stand this, this, hardness, this revulsion, not from you,” he said quietly.
“This hardness is because you lied to me about who you were!” I practically screamed as I slapped his shoulder again for emphasis, this time ignoring the pain in my hand.
“I was scared of how you’d react, Ellie! I guess now I know and I was right to have been scared,” he said shaking his head sadly.
I snorted. “You don’t know how I would have reacted. You should have told me and let me decide if I could deal with it; it wasn’t your choice, that wasn’t fair.”
He raised one eyebrow at me. “And how would you have reacted to being told that I was a convicted murderer? Would you have given me the time of day? Would you still have fallen in love with me? No, you wouldn’t!” he replied sarcastically, throwing his hands up in exasperation.
“Well it’s too damn late to find out now, huh?” I snorted. I glared at him for a few minutes while he just stood there, looking at me apologetically, seeming to be choosing his words, or maybe he was just waiting for me to bitch him out some more. I sighed. I just needed to know once and for all, this was killing me slowly, because I didn’t know him inside and out like I thought I did. I thought I knew who he was as a person, I thought I knew all of him - I was so totally wrong and that was what hurt the most. I felt a little betrayed that he could keep something that important from me; it was almost like he didn’t trust me with his secrets or something.
“Jamie, just…. just tell me. Was it an accident? If it was then that’s different. If you didn’t mean to kill her then it’s something different entirely. Please, just tell me what happened,” I begged, looking at him hopefully. The scenarios from earlier were running through my head - Sophie had died in a car accident in a car that he’d stolen, he’s accidently knocked her down the stairs, or just…. anything. I was silently pleading for it, hanging onto that small hope that he hadn’t meant to kill her.
He took a small step back, his eyes tightening as he looked at me with a cute little bewildered expression on his face. “Her? I don’t…. what do you mean, her? Why are you assuming it was a girl?” he asked, shaking his head as if to clear it.
I frowned. “I thought…. you said she was murdered.” I stumbled over my words and suddenly his whole posture seemed to tighten as he practically glared at me.
“Sophie? You’re talking about Sophie? You think I killed my little sister?” he questioned, his voice full of acid as he straightened his shoulders raising himself to his full height so that he towered above me.
I flinched from the abrupt change in tone. “Yeah?” I confirmed weakly, but it came out as more of a question because of his disbelieving expression.
He made a strangled growling sound as his eyes burned into mine. “Seriously, you think, even after all the time that we’ve spent together, you seriously think that I’m capable of murdering my own sister?” he spat. His tone was truly menacing and for the first time I could see the ‘hard Jamie’ that he said he switched into when he was working.
I didn’t know what to think now, confusion was settling over me. He looked so angry with me for suggesting it that I actually felt terrible for even entertaining that thought in my head. Obviously this wasn’t about his sister, I should have known that. I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion, I could see that now.
“I just put two and two together,” I replied quietly.
“And came up with thirty f**king five,” he barked, sneering at me.
An involuntary whimper left my lips as he stepped forwards, his whole body language was menacing and intimidating. “I thought it was an accident or something. I was hoping it was an accident,” I explained, trying to look away from his accusing eyes as he advanced on me.
His teeth ground together as he stepped even closer, so close that I stepped back to get some personal space and bumped into the wall behind me. He bent, putting his face so close to mine that our noses were almost touching as his hard brown eyes met mine. His voice sounded furious as he spoke. “So that’s the type of person that you think you fell in love with? If you think I’m capable of murdering a little girl, then what’s to stop me from killing you to keep it quiet? I could do it you know. I could put my hands around your neck and snap it like, that, ” he growled, snapping his fingers on the word that. “I could cover it up too; have someone bury you somewhere your parents would never find your body. Easy, I could get away with it this time.”
I raised my chin, keeping eye contact with him, knowing he was angry and just trying to push my buttons and scare me. But the thing is, I wasn’t scared of him. “You wouldn’t hurt me, you love me,” I said confidently.
I laughed incredulously and rolled my eyes. “Screw you,” I retorted. He needed to give up the kind and caring boyfriend routine. The stupid boy was a murdering car thief who worked as part of a gang. This was the real Jamie Cole, not the illusion that he’d shown me for the last six months.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. His face was a mask of sorrow and I felt my stomach quiver as guilt built up inside me because I’d made him feel bad. Then I got even angrier because I’d done nothing wrong yet he was making me feel guilty for wanting to know the truth. Damn it, why could I never stay mad at people? I sucked!
“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” I snapped.
He sighed deeply. “This is exactly why I didn’t want you to know. I can’t stand this, this, hardness, this revulsion, not from you,” he said quietly.
“This hardness is because you lied to me about who you were!” I practically screamed as I slapped his shoulder again for emphasis, this time ignoring the pain in my hand.
“I was scared of how you’d react, Ellie! I guess now I know and I was right to have been scared,” he said shaking his head sadly.
I snorted. “You don’t know how I would have reacted. You should have told me and let me decide if I could deal with it; it wasn’t your choice, that wasn’t fair.”
He raised one eyebrow at me. “And how would you have reacted to being told that I was a convicted murderer? Would you have given me the time of day? Would you still have fallen in love with me? No, you wouldn’t!” he replied sarcastically, throwing his hands up in exasperation.
“Well it’s too damn late to find out now, huh?” I snorted. I glared at him for a few minutes while he just stood there, looking at me apologetically, seeming to be choosing his words, or maybe he was just waiting for me to bitch him out some more. I sighed. I just needed to know once and for all, this was killing me slowly, because I didn’t know him inside and out like I thought I did. I thought I knew who he was as a person, I thought I knew all of him - I was so totally wrong and that was what hurt the most. I felt a little betrayed that he could keep something that important from me; it was almost like he didn’t trust me with his secrets or something.
“Jamie, just…. just tell me. Was it an accident? If it was then that’s different. If you didn’t mean to kill her then it’s something different entirely. Please, just tell me what happened,” I begged, looking at him hopefully. The scenarios from earlier were running through my head - Sophie had died in a car accident in a car that he’d stolen, he’s accidently knocked her down the stairs, or just…. anything. I was silently pleading for it, hanging onto that small hope that he hadn’t meant to kill her.
He took a small step back, his eyes tightening as he looked at me with a cute little bewildered expression on his face. “Her? I don’t…. what do you mean, her? Why are you assuming it was a girl?” he asked, shaking his head as if to clear it.
I frowned. “I thought…. you said she was murdered.” I stumbled over my words and suddenly his whole posture seemed to tighten as he practically glared at me.
“Sophie? You’re talking about Sophie? You think I killed my little sister?” he questioned, his voice full of acid as he straightened his shoulders raising himself to his full height so that he towered above me.
I flinched from the abrupt change in tone. “Yeah?” I confirmed weakly, but it came out as more of a question because of his disbelieving expression.
He made a strangled growling sound as his eyes burned into mine. “Seriously, you think, even after all the time that we’ve spent together, you seriously think that I’m capable of murdering my own sister?” he spat. His tone was truly menacing and for the first time I could see the ‘hard Jamie’ that he said he switched into when he was working.
I didn’t know what to think now, confusion was settling over me. He looked so angry with me for suggesting it that I actually felt terrible for even entertaining that thought in my head. Obviously this wasn’t about his sister, I should have known that. I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion, I could see that now.
“I just put two and two together,” I replied quietly.
“And came up with thirty f**king five,” he barked, sneering at me.
An involuntary whimper left my lips as he stepped forwards, his whole body language was menacing and intimidating. “I thought it was an accident or something. I was hoping it was an accident,” I explained, trying to look away from his accusing eyes as he advanced on me.
His teeth ground together as he stepped even closer, so close that I stepped back to get some personal space and bumped into the wall behind me. He bent, putting his face so close to mine that our noses were almost touching as his hard brown eyes met mine. His voice sounded furious as he spoke. “So that’s the type of person that you think you fell in love with? If you think I’m capable of murdering a little girl, then what’s to stop me from killing you to keep it quiet? I could do it you know. I could put my hands around your neck and snap it like, that, ” he growled, snapping his fingers on the word that. “I could cover it up too; have someone bury you somewhere your parents would never find your body. Easy, I could get away with it this time.”
I raised my chin, keeping eye contact with him, knowing he was angry and just trying to push my buttons and scare me. But the thing is, I wasn’t scared of him. “You wouldn’t hurt me, you love me,” I said confidently.
