Fighting to Be Free
Page 130

“Yes we are!” I protested. “I love you,” I choked out.
“No. Move on and get over it. Your time with the bad boy has ended.” The line went dead and I whimpered as I squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out the pain of it all. This was all so sudden that I could barely take it in. Last night we were all set to go and start a new life, and today he’d changed his mind and slept with someone else. My mind was whirling as my heart broke into a million pieces. The phone dropped out of my hand as I flopped back on the bed and curled into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest as I sobbed for my future with him that I wanted so desperately.
I could barely breathe through my sadness but I forced myself to sit up, grab my cellphone and call him again, just to try and reason with him, plead some more. But when I dialled his number he didn’t answer, instead it was just the recorded voicemail telling me to leave a message. I sniffed loudly, wiping my face with the back of my hand as I tried to calm down enough so that I could speak.
When the beep sounded I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Jamie, I love you so much, and I really think we could work this out. I know you love me too, please just don’t do this, okay? I’ll make it up to you I promise. I don’t even care that you slept with someone else last night; I don’t even blame you for it. We should just go on the trip, go to Rome and have a vacation together for a couple of weeks. I’ll show you how much I love you and by the end of the two weeks we’ll be fine again. Please?” I took a couple of deep breaths, refusing to give up on him. I couldn’t go through life without Jamie, what kind of life would that be? My heart was aching so badly that all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and die, but I carried on pleading regardless. “I’m still going to the airport.
Please come, please? Meet me in the departures lounge at lunchtime, please?” I begged. “I love you.” My voice broke as I hung up the phone and the last word was kind of muffled and probably unclear but I knew he’d get the point.
I just laid there for what felt like hours, my tears dried up but my breathing didn’t really return to normal as I stared at the ceiling and went over everything that had ever happened between us.
Somewhere along the line I started to wonder if he ever even loved me in the first place. He was right, we were so different, he got off on stealing cars, and I was a stupid cheerleader in high school, people like us weren’t well suited at all. His declaration of love had come after mine so I started to wonder if he only said it back because he felt like he had to. That night I was helping him out of an illegal situation so maybe he felt like he needed to say it back for me to give him that alibi. I honestly thought he loved me, I didn’t know why he did, but I was always confident with the fact that he did - now though I wasn’t so sure.
Would Jamie have really cheated last night? He said she knew how to treat a man, did that mean that I wasn’t satisfying him in that area? I groaned and covered my face with my hands. Of course she was better than me; I had no real experience before him. Mark and I hadn’t exactly been very playful or adventurous in that department so my real experience came from Jamie. How had I not thought of the fact that I was probably lacking in that area? Of course a guy like him would need more than me.
The door burst open but I couldn’t bring myself to move. The mattress bounced a little as Kelsey settled herself on my bed, sitting cross-legged and smiling down at me. “Dad says get up, sleepyhead, we’re waiting for you so we can eat breakfast,” she stated.
I forced a smile. I couldn’t tell my family what had transpired this morning. I was clinging to the hope that Jamie would reconsider, that he’d meet me at the airport and we’d just go away for a couple of weeks to get a fresh start. I couldn’t very well tell my parents that he’d cheated on me and basically ripped my heart to pieces, because then if he did change his mind, they wouldn’t let me go with him anyway. So, for now, I needed to try and keep my heartbreak hidden. That was going to be harder said than done though because my throat hurt, my eyes stung and my head ached because of all of the crying. If I looked in the mirror I was sure to see a red, blotchy mess looking back at me.
I cleared my throat before speaking, trying not to wince as it scratched and cracked. “I’ll be down in a minute, okay? I’m just gonna jump in the shower. Tell Dad to go ahead and make breakfast, I’m not really hungry anyway,” I croaked, depression leaked into my tone as I spoke and I prayed she didn’t notice.
Kelsey looked at me curiously. She may only be ten but she always knew when I was upset, the girl was like a little radar for my emotions. “Have you been crying?” she asked, reaching out and touching my cheek.
I laughed humourlessly and pushed her hand away. “Kinda,” I admitted. “I’m just a little sad that I won’t get to see you guys for a while. I’m gonna miss you.”
She grinned then, nodding enthusiastically, obviously buying into my complete lie. “Mom’s crying too but she’s pretending like she’s fine and that she has something in her eye,” she replied.
My mom was crying over me leaving? I didn’t really know how to feel about that after the moment that we’d had last night while packing. Though maybe I was just fooling myself, the woman probably really did have something in her eye….
I took a deep breath and pushed myself up to sitting. “Go eat then. I’ll be down in half an hour,” I suggested, nodding towards the door. She grinned and jumped up. I smiled at her back as she skipped out of the door, singing to herself. I was really going to miss them all, that wasn’t a lie - but, well, I guess there was a pretty good chance that I wouldn’t be going now after all so there would be no need for me to miss them. That thought made me whimper and my chin tremble so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before heading into the shower.