My phone buzzed on my nightstand. I reached for it. My stomach fluttered when I saw Reece’s name.
Reece: Happy Thanksgiving
Me: Same to you . . .
I bit the inside of my cheek, considering what else to say.
Me: Did you have a good day?
Reece: Yes. My Aunt Beth came over w/a turkey. My dad was even almost human
Me: That’s good
Reece: What about yours?
I stared at the words on the screen for a long moment, thinking about my day, about kissing Hunter, and how much I should tell Reece.
Reece: How’s Hunter?
Me: Good
Reece: You kissed
I gasped, my fingers tightening around my phone. Could he read my mind across miles?
Me: How do you know that?
It didn’t occur to me to lie.
Reece: Because that’s what I would have done. I did do it. Remember? First chance I got
Me: Actually I kissed him
There was a long pause, and I began to worry that he wasn’t going to reply at all. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest.
Reece: Guess those lessons in foreplay helped after all
Me: Guess so
Reece: Congrats, Pepper. You got what you wanted. Good night
Me: Good night
I dropped the phone on the bed beside me. Turning, I burrowed my face into the pillow and cried great ugly sobs. They weren’t the first I had ever cried in this room, on this bed, into this very pillow, but they were definitely the most senseless. I had nothing to cry about. I had come so far and finally gotten what I wanted.
Chapter 24
Sunday afternoon, Hunter dropped me off at my dorm with a gentle kiss and a promise to text me later. After unpacking, I fell onto my bed with a sigh, thinking I’d get some homework done, but instead I ended up falling asleep. Apparently the four-hour drive wore me out. Maybe it was all the effort I put into acting cheerful and like I wasn’t having any doubts about what I wanted to happen between Hunter and myself.
I didn’t feel much better after my nap, either. I still wasn’t any more certain about Hunter and me, which filled me with no small amount of panic. For so long I had convinced myself he was the one, the one who would make me right. Make me safe. Make me whole.
If I didn’t have that anymore, then what did I have?
Scrubbing both hands over my face, I rose from my bed and sank down at my desk, cracking open my Abnormal Psych notes and telling myself I could actually study when my head hurt from thinking.
My phone buzzed from across the room. I moved to pick it up, glad for the excuse to procrastinate.
Reece: Hey. Home yet?
I smiled, ridiculously happy that he was still communicating with me. After last night, I wasn’t so sure.
Me: Yes. Got back couple hours ago
Reece: I want to see you
No mincing words. I hesitated, resisting the immediate urge to type “yes.” I needed to consider this. Use logic instead of wild impulse, which seemed to be my only setting when it came to him.
The screen went dark. The phone buzzed again in my hand, a new message from Reece lighting up the screen.
Reece: Open the door
My head whipped around, staring at my door as if it were a living thing. My heart took off, wild as a bird trapped and struggling inside my too-tight chest. In two strides I was there, pulling the door wide. Reece stood before me, phone in hand, those bright blue eyes, brighter even than I remembered, fastened on me.
We moved in unison. He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him just as I scooted back, making room for him to enter. Closed inside my room, we stared at each other, frozen like two statues. Everything slowed. Like someone hit a PAUSE button. Blood rushed, a dull roar in my ears. I imagined I could even hear the muffled thump of my heart.
Then everything leaped to action.
We came together. Phones slipped from our hands and thudded to the floor as we collided. Our mouths fused, lips breaking only to pull our shirts over our heads in a blur of motion. Everything was frantic. Desperate. Almost violent in its fierceness.
“God, I missed you,” he muttered, his hand skimming my face, hard fingers burying themselves in my hair and gripping my scalp as his hot mouth crashed over mine.
My hands went for the front of his jeans, yanking open the button snap and tugging the jeans down as he fell over me on the bed, between my thighs. He pulled back to shove them down his narrow hips, cursing when they got stuck at his shoes.
I watched, devouring the sight of him as I anxiously stripped off my yoga pants, my panties, everything.
“Damn it,” he snarled, jerking off his shoes and then shucking his jeans the rest of the way off.
Then we came together again, bare skin sliding sinuously against each other. He settled between my thighs and it felt so right, like two puzzle pieces locking together.
He kissed my br**sts and I whimpered, arching my spine, wanting more. His mouth closed around one nipple, and I moaned, my fingers clenching his muscular biceps. He shifted his weight and brought his erection directly against the core of me.
I panted, my fingers moving to clutch the back of his neck, clinging, straining against him, pulling him closer as I rotated my hips, needing him inside me like a body needs oxygen.
“Pepper, are you sure?”
God, yes. Gasping, I shifted my h*ps and pushed up against him. “I want this. I want you, Reece.”
His blue eyes gleamed fiercely. He lifted off me and fumbled with his discarded jeans. I almost moaned in pain at the loss of him. All of me felt cold, empty.
And then the warmth was back. He was between my parted thighs, tearing the wrapper off a condom with his teeth. I watched as he rolled it on, fascinated at the sight, the act.
He wrapped an arm around my waist and hauled me closer, holding me steady as he began to sink inside me, his eyes locked with mine. It was a surreal moment, staring into the deep of his eyes, feeling his body joining with mine.
I was ready. My body stretched to accommodate him. It wasn’t uncomfortable exactly, but definitely foreign. Still exciting. Gaspy little breaths escaped me.
Just when I thought he was done, that I was filled to capacity, he pushed in deeper.
My eyes flared wide, and I whimpered. Okay, that was a little uncomfortable. He stilled, his biceps tensing, muscles bunching tightly. “Are you all right?”
“Yes. Don’t stop. Do it!”
The arm at my waist pulled me closer, mashing my br**sts to his chest as he thrust himself fully inside me, wrenching a sharp gasp from me.
“Wow,” I choked.
“Should I—?”
“Keep going,” I commanded, my nails scoring his back. He rocked his h*ps against me and I cried out, arching against him.
“Oh, f**k, Pepper, you feel good.”
An aching pressure built inside me as he moved faster, increasing the delicious friction and tightening the coil low in my belly. It was like before, when he made me come just by using his hand. Only better. Everything more intense.
I writhed against him, desperate to reach that cl**ax. He hooked a hand under my knee and wrapped my leg around his waist. The next thrust shattered me. I never felt anything so amazing. So good. My vision blurred as he hit that spot deeper. He moved against me, working a steady pace. I dragged my nails through his short hair, loving this absolute freedom to touch him, to love him with my hands. His name tripped from my lips.
“Pepper,” he growled in my ear. “Come for me, baby.”
I was almost there. Shudders shook through me. I burrowed my head in the warm nook of his neck, muffling my moans. His hand found me, framing my face. A thumb under my chin, fingers splayed over my cheek, he held me there, watching me, peering into my eyes as he moved inside me. “I want to see you.”
I nodded jerkily. The familiar burning tightness seized me, made me arch up against him. “Ohh.”
“That’s it, Pepper.” He drove harder into me and I cried out, every nerve bursting. I went limp. He hugged me closer, his lips seizing mine. I groaned into his mouth as I felt his own release follow, shuddering through him.
We collapsed together on the bed, his weight on top of me. As heavy as he was, I didn’t want him to ever move. I could stay like this forever.
Forever lasted about two minutes. Reece pressed a kiss to my collarbone that made me shiver and then rose from the bed to dispose of the condom. I found some wipes in my drawer and cleaned myself off, hesitating a moment at the sight of a rusty-colored smudge on my thigh. It startled me, forcing me to confront the reality of what I had just done. With Reece.
I hurriedly wiped the blood away. My face burned as he watched me. I tossed the wipe into the small trash bin, aware of a slight soreness between my legs as I moved. Slipping my panties back on, I lowered myself to the bed, pulled my knees to my chest, and then tugged the covers over me.
“You okay?”
He sat in front of me, his legs going on either side of me so that he could face me and hold me at the same time.
I nodded. “It didn’t hurt.”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “It gets better.”
I felt my eyes widen. “Really? ’Cause that was pretty amazing.”
Grinning, he kissed me. “It was all you, baby.”
I doubted that. I could never have as much fun alone as I had with him. I doubted I could have as much fun with anyone. That thought made me frown. Panic fluttered inside me. Reece—this. It wasn’t the plan.
“Hey. No frowns.” He tapped at the edge of my mouth. “Do I even want to know what you’re thinking?”
I swallowed. “How can this work, Reece?”
His smile slipped away. The glow ebbed from his eyes. “Wow. You don’t waste any time. I’m getting the brush-off already? No time for afterglow.” He remained sitting in front of me, his legs stretched on either side of me, but he dropped his arms. No more hug.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah.” His voice bit out the single word. “Me, too.”
“I don’t want—” I stopped, struggling with what to say. There was a lot that I didn’t want to happen in this moment. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want to lose him.
He laughed harshly. “You don’t know what you want, Pepper. That much is clear.”
I shook my head, a lump the size of a golf ball inside my throat. “I do. I’ve always known that. That’s why this”—I waved between us—“can never be.”
“Oh. Yeah? Then do me a favor and explain it to me. Why is Hunter so important? Why does it gotta be him? ’Cause that’s what this is about, right? You f**k me but you still want to be with him.”
I flinched and glanced away, my gaze landing on the pictures across the room. The one of me with Lila and Hunter. That was supposed to be my future. With the Montgomerys. With Hunter. Or someone like him.
“You know my mother dumped me and left me to live with my grandmother.”
I flicked a glance back at him. He nodded once, his jaw clenched tightly, waiting for me to continue. “Well, that was after three years of living with her. She lost the house the year after Daddy died. Then we slept on the couches of friends. But that got old. They got tired of us. And she just kept getting worse . . . doing more shit. Anything good, she lost.”
“Except you. She kept you.”
My eyes stung. I nodded, blinking back the burn. “Yeah. She kept me. It was the two of us. Surviving in motel rooms. Sometimes sleeping in the car. She’d do whatever she needed to get her next fix.”
Reece: Happy Thanksgiving
Me: Same to you . . .
I bit the inside of my cheek, considering what else to say.
Me: Did you have a good day?
Reece: Yes. My Aunt Beth came over w/a turkey. My dad was even almost human
Me: That’s good
Reece: What about yours?
I stared at the words on the screen for a long moment, thinking about my day, about kissing Hunter, and how much I should tell Reece.
Reece: How’s Hunter?
Me: Good
Reece: You kissed
I gasped, my fingers tightening around my phone. Could he read my mind across miles?
Me: How do you know that?
It didn’t occur to me to lie.
Reece: Because that’s what I would have done. I did do it. Remember? First chance I got
Me: Actually I kissed him
There was a long pause, and I began to worry that he wasn’t going to reply at all. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest.
Reece: Guess those lessons in foreplay helped after all
Me: Guess so
Reece: Congrats, Pepper. You got what you wanted. Good night
Me: Good night
I dropped the phone on the bed beside me. Turning, I burrowed my face into the pillow and cried great ugly sobs. They weren’t the first I had ever cried in this room, on this bed, into this very pillow, but they were definitely the most senseless. I had nothing to cry about. I had come so far and finally gotten what I wanted.
Chapter 24
Sunday afternoon, Hunter dropped me off at my dorm with a gentle kiss and a promise to text me later. After unpacking, I fell onto my bed with a sigh, thinking I’d get some homework done, but instead I ended up falling asleep. Apparently the four-hour drive wore me out. Maybe it was all the effort I put into acting cheerful and like I wasn’t having any doubts about what I wanted to happen between Hunter and myself.
I didn’t feel much better after my nap, either. I still wasn’t any more certain about Hunter and me, which filled me with no small amount of panic. For so long I had convinced myself he was the one, the one who would make me right. Make me safe. Make me whole.
If I didn’t have that anymore, then what did I have?
Scrubbing both hands over my face, I rose from my bed and sank down at my desk, cracking open my Abnormal Psych notes and telling myself I could actually study when my head hurt from thinking.
My phone buzzed from across the room. I moved to pick it up, glad for the excuse to procrastinate.
Reece: Hey. Home yet?
I smiled, ridiculously happy that he was still communicating with me. After last night, I wasn’t so sure.
Me: Yes. Got back couple hours ago
Reece: I want to see you
No mincing words. I hesitated, resisting the immediate urge to type “yes.” I needed to consider this. Use logic instead of wild impulse, which seemed to be my only setting when it came to him.
The screen went dark. The phone buzzed again in my hand, a new message from Reece lighting up the screen.
Reece: Open the door
My head whipped around, staring at my door as if it were a living thing. My heart took off, wild as a bird trapped and struggling inside my too-tight chest. In two strides I was there, pulling the door wide. Reece stood before me, phone in hand, those bright blue eyes, brighter even than I remembered, fastened on me.
We moved in unison. He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him just as I scooted back, making room for him to enter. Closed inside my room, we stared at each other, frozen like two statues. Everything slowed. Like someone hit a PAUSE button. Blood rushed, a dull roar in my ears. I imagined I could even hear the muffled thump of my heart.
Then everything leaped to action.
We came together. Phones slipped from our hands and thudded to the floor as we collided. Our mouths fused, lips breaking only to pull our shirts over our heads in a blur of motion. Everything was frantic. Desperate. Almost violent in its fierceness.
“God, I missed you,” he muttered, his hand skimming my face, hard fingers burying themselves in my hair and gripping my scalp as his hot mouth crashed over mine.
My hands went for the front of his jeans, yanking open the button snap and tugging the jeans down as he fell over me on the bed, between my thighs. He pulled back to shove them down his narrow hips, cursing when they got stuck at his shoes.
I watched, devouring the sight of him as I anxiously stripped off my yoga pants, my panties, everything.
“Damn it,” he snarled, jerking off his shoes and then shucking his jeans the rest of the way off.
Then we came together again, bare skin sliding sinuously against each other. He settled between my thighs and it felt so right, like two puzzle pieces locking together.
He kissed my br**sts and I whimpered, arching my spine, wanting more. His mouth closed around one nipple, and I moaned, my fingers clenching his muscular biceps. He shifted his weight and brought his erection directly against the core of me.
I panted, my fingers moving to clutch the back of his neck, clinging, straining against him, pulling him closer as I rotated my hips, needing him inside me like a body needs oxygen.
“Pepper, are you sure?”
God, yes. Gasping, I shifted my h*ps and pushed up against him. “I want this. I want you, Reece.”
His blue eyes gleamed fiercely. He lifted off me and fumbled with his discarded jeans. I almost moaned in pain at the loss of him. All of me felt cold, empty.
And then the warmth was back. He was between my parted thighs, tearing the wrapper off a condom with his teeth. I watched as he rolled it on, fascinated at the sight, the act.
He wrapped an arm around my waist and hauled me closer, holding me steady as he began to sink inside me, his eyes locked with mine. It was a surreal moment, staring into the deep of his eyes, feeling his body joining with mine.
I was ready. My body stretched to accommodate him. It wasn’t uncomfortable exactly, but definitely foreign. Still exciting. Gaspy little breaths escaped me.
Just when I thought he was done, that I was filled to capacity, he pushed in deeper.
My eyes flared wide, and I whimpered. Okay, that was a little uncomfortable. He stilled, his biceps tensing, muscles bunching tightly. “Are you all right?”
“Yes. Don’t stop. Do it!”
The arm at my waist pulled me closer, mashing my br**sts to his chest as he thrust himself fully inside me, wrenching a sharp gasp from me.
“Wow,” I choked.
“Should I—?”
“Keep going,” I commanded, my nails scoring his back. He rocked his h*ps against me and I cried out, arching against him.
“Oh, f**k, Pepper, you feel good.”
An aching pressure built inside me as he moved faster, increasing the delicious friction and tightening the coil low in my belly. It was like before, when he made me come just by using his hand. Only better. Everything more intense.
I writhed against him, desperate to reach that cl**ax. He hooked a hand under my knee and wrapped my leg around his waist. The next thrust shattered me. I never felt anything so amazing. So good. My vision blurred as he hit that spot deeper. He moved against me, working a steady pace. I dragged my nails through his short hair, loving this absolute freedom to touch him, to love him with my hands. His name tripped from my lips.
“Pepper,” he growled in my ear. “Come for me, baby.”
I was almost there. Shudders shook through me. I burrowed my head in the warm nook of his neck, muffling my moans. His hand found me, framing my face. A thumb under my chin, fingers splayed over my cheek, he held me there, watching me, peering into my eyes as he moved inside me. “I want to see you.”
I nodded jerkily. The familiar burning tightness seized me, made me arch up against him. “Ohh.”
“That’s it, Pepper.” He drove harder into me and I cried out, every nerve bursting. I went limp. He hugged me closer, his lips seizing mine. I groaned into his mouth as I felt his own release follow, shuddering through him.
We collapsed together on the bed, his weight on top of me. As heavy as he was, I didn’t want him to ever move. I could stay like this forever.
Forever lasted about two minutes. Reece pressed a kiss to my collarbone that made me shiver and then rose from the bed to dispose of the condom. I found some wipes in my drawer and cleaned myself off, hesitating a moment at the sight of a rusty-colored smudge on my thigh. It startled me, forcing me to confront the reality of what I had just done. With Reece.
I hurriedly wiped the blood away. My face burned as he watched me. I tossed the wipe into the small trash bin, aware of a slight soreness between my legs as I moved. Slipping my panties back on, I lowered myself to the bed, pulled my knees to my chest, and then tugged the covers over me.
“You okay?”
He sat in front of me, his legs going on either side of me so that he could face me and hold me at the same time.
I nodded. “It didn’t hurt.”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “It gets better.”
I felt my eyes widen. “Really? ’Cause that was pretty amazing.”
Grinning, he kissed me. “It was all you, baby.”
I doubted that. I could never have as much fun alone as I had with him. I doubted I could have as much fun with anyone. That thought made me frown. Panic fluttered inside me. Reece—this. It wasn’t the plan.
“Hey. No frowns.” He tapped at the edge of my mouth. “Do I even want to know what you’re thinking?”
I swallowed. “How can this work, Reece?”
His smile slipped away. The glow ebbed from his eyes. “Wow. You don’t waste any time. I’m getting the brush-off already? No time for afterglow.” He remained sitting in front of me, his legs stretched on either side of me, but he dropped his arms. No more hug.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah.” His voice bit out the single word. “Me, too.”
“I don’t want—” I stopped, struggling with what to say. There was a lot that I didn’t want to happen in this moment. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want to lose him.
He laughed harshly. “You don’t know what you want, Pepper. That much is clear.”
I shook my head, a lump the size of a golf ball inside my throat. “I do. I’ve always known that. That’s why this”—I waved between us—“can never be.”
“Oh. Yeah? Then do me a favor and explain it to me. Why is Hunter so important? Why does it gotta be him? ’Cause that’s what this is about, right? You f**k me but you still want to be with him.”
I flinched and glanced away, my gaze landing on the pictures across the room. The one of me with Lila and Hunter. That was supposed to be my future. With the Montgomerys. With Hunter. Or someone like him.
“You know my mother dumped me and left me to live with my grandmother.”
I flicked a glance back at him. He nodded once, his jaw clenched tightly, waiting for me to continue. “Well, that was after three years of living with her. She lost the house the year after Daddy died. Then we slept on the couches of friends. But that got old. They got tired of us. And she just kept getting worse . . . doing more shit. Anything good, she lost.”
“Except you. She kept you.”
My eyes stung. I nodded, blinking back the burn. “Yeah. She kept me. It was the two of us. Surviving in motel rooms. Sometimes sleeping in the car. She’d do whatever she needed to get her next fix.”
