He touched my face, his thumb brushing over my cheek. “What happened to you, baby?”
I inhaled. “Nothing. She always kept me safe. Or tried to anyway. She would leave me in a closet or bathroom. I’d hide in the tub with my stuffed animal. Purple Bear. I had him forever.” I smiled in memory. “My father won him at a carnival for me. I’d lost everything but I still had that bear. And Mom. Whenever she stuck me in a tub or closet while she got high with some loser, she told me Purple Bear would keep me safe until she came for me.”
I stopped now, because I couldn’t really talk about what happened next. I’d never talked about it with anyone before.
“But it didn’t keep you safe, did it?”
I shook my head, choking down a sob. “No.”
“What happened?”
My voice got really small. “He found me in the tub.” My fingers pressed over my lips. “I wasn’t quiet enough.”
“Who found you?”
I shook my head slowly, seeing the flash of a skull-faced ring. “Some guy. One of Mom’s . . . dates.”
“What did he do, Pepper?” His whisper was in direct contrast to his face, which was hard as stone, his eyes like ice chips.
I rocked back a little on the bed, hugging my knees closer to my chest. “He made me get out of the tub.” I sucked in a deep breath, bracing myself. Soundless tears rolled down my cheeks. I dashed them away with my hand, reciting the events of that night as matter-of-factly as possible—as though they had happened to some other girl and not me. Now that I had started, I was determined to say it all. Finally. “And then he made me take off my shirt.”
Reece’s arms wrapped around me again, holding me, and in that moment it was like they were the only thing keeping me together. Keeping me from breaking into pieces. My fingers dug into his forearms, clinging to him as words rushed from me.
“H-he unzipped his pants and started playing with himself in front of me . . . l-looking at me. He told me to touch it, but I wouldn’t.” I shook my head, lips pressing into a firm line as I recalled the man’s expression. Angry. But also excited that I was defying him. He wanted me to fight him. “He told me to take off the rest of my clothes. I tried to get away. He grabbed me, tried to pull down my shorts. I fought back and he just laughed and slapped me. Things got really crazy then. I screamed. Went a little hysterical.” I searched Reece’s gaze, shaking my head almost apologetically. Like I should somehow have kept my cool. “I was just a kid.”
He nodded, blinking eyes that looked suspiciously moist. “What happened next?”
I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “Mom came in and freaked. They fought. He slapped her around, but she got him out the door, and then she just came into the bathroom and stared at me. I never saw her look like that before. Even at Daddy’s funeral she had never looked so . . . wrecked. We packed up our stuff in the car and drove. I fell asleep in the backseat, but when I woke we were at Gram’s.”
I stopped at this part because as hard as it was to tell him what happened to me in that bathroom, this was actually harder. This was the part that was etched in my mind, burned into me with a red-hot brand.
“I was actually excited at first. Mom and Gram didn’t get along, so we didn’t see her that much. She took me to the door. Hugged me and . . . said good-bye.” I couldn’t breathe as I remembered this. The feel of my mother’s hands on my arms as she bent down and stared at me, her green eyes eerily bright in her thin face. “She told me she couldn’t keep me safe anymore.” The tears rolled freely, unchecked and silent on my cheeks.
Reece sighed. “It was the best she could do—”
“No,” I snapped. “The best she could have done is get the help she needed. Beat her addiction.”
He cupped my cheek gently. “She got you to someplace safe.”
“Safe?” I laughed at that. It was a harsh and ugly sound. “Funny you should say that.”
He arched an eyebrow.
“When she was walking away, she suddenly turned around. She ran back and grabbed Purple Bear from me. She ripped him. Tore him apart right in front of me.” I could still see all the tufts of cotton floating in the air.
“What the f**k?”
I continued bitterly, remembering how watching her destroy that bear felt like she was murdering a part of me. “She told me Purple Bear couldn’t keep me safe. Just like she couldn’t. That I should never expect that from anyone. That I needed to look after myself now and never count on anyone.”
He was silent for a moment, processing. “She was trying to help—”
“Yeah. I know she was trying to teach me a lesson in self-reliance. As screwed up as it was. But I was a child.”
Reece held me, his hand brushing my back in smooth sweeps. I let him. For a little while anyway, I let his hand and arms, his strong body, comfort me, knowing it would be the last time. He made small hushing sounds near my ear.
“I know you’ve been hurt,” he started, his voice low in my ear. “So have I. Maybe we can help heal each other.”
I broke away, peering at him in bewilderment.
He watched me, waiting as I studied him. As I observed a person every bit as damaged as I was. No one lost their mother at eight and lived with a man like his father and came out whole.
I turned and reached for my shirt and pulled it on over my head. Facing him again, I spoke evenly. “Ever since my mom left me I’ve had a plan. I know it sounds ridiculous to you, but Hunter was part of that.”
“That’s bullshit.” He stood. Indifferent to his nakedness, he grabbed his clothes and started getting dressed with hard movements. “You’ve built some kind of fairy tale around him. I guess the experience with your mother didn’t teach you shit.”
I flinched. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He stopped and glared at me. “You don’t want Hunter. You’re still looking for your purple bear. Someone to give you a sense of security. You don’t get it. That doesn’t exist. As wrong as your mom was about a lot of crap, she was right about that. Bad shit happens, and there’s not always gonna be someone there to protect you from it.”
I shook my head. “So what? I’m supposed to just flip a switch and walk away from a good thing and embrace . . .”
My gaze raked him.
You.
I didn’t say it, but we both heard it. He understood. His gaze scoured me, blazed a path across my features, missing nothing. Seeing more of me than I had ever revealed to anyone. All my flaws.
He made a disgusted sound and moved for the door. Opening it, he stopped and stood there, staring across the room at me. “You can’t even see it. I’m the safest thing you’ll ever find.”
And then he was gone. I was all alone.
I was lying in the same spot on the bed when Emerson and Georgia found me. They took one look at my ravaged face and surrounded me on the bed like clucking hens. Between choked tears and hiccups I told them everything. Well, everything except my f**ked-up history and why I couldn’t be with Reece.
“I don’t understand.” Georgia pushed the hair back off my shoulders and crossed her legs Indian style. “Why can’t you give him a chance?”
“You did sleep with him,” Em reminded me. As though I could forget that. “You must care about him.”
I looked between the two of them helplessly. I couldn’t bare myself to the bones twice in one day. I couldn’t take doing that all over again. “Just trust me. It wouldn’t work.”
“Okay.” Georgia held my hands between us, nodding gently. “Then we support you. Whatever you decide, we’re here for you.”
“Damn straight,” Em agreed. “You just tell us who to punch in the junk and we’re on it.”
I laughed, wiping at my runny nose. From Emerson’s relieved grin, that was clearly her goal. “No. Don’t hit anyone.”
My phone buzzed from across the room. I jumped up to grab it, my heart a stupid traitor in my chest, lifting with the insane hope that it was Reece.
Evidently it was going to take my heart some time to catch up with my brain. Why would I even want a text from him? Especially after I just broke up with him. Um. Not that we had been official or anything but it sure as hell felt like a breakup.
I scanned my phone. The message wasn’t from Reece.
Hunter: Miss u already. Dinner tomorrow?
Guilt pinched at my heart. While he was missing me I had been with Reece. I shook my head. Hunter and I hadn’t declared ourselves exclusive. And it had been just one time with Reece. And now it was over. Time to move on.
Dutifully, I typed a message back to him.
“Who is it?” Emerson asked as I set my phone back down and sank onto my swivel chair.
“Hunter. He wants to know if I want to grab dinner tomorrow night.”
“What did you tell him?”
“Yes.”
Emerson and Georgia exchanged glances. Clearly, they thought I was crazy, and I couldn’t disagree with them. Reece’s words played over and over in my mind. I’m the safest thing you’ll ever find. What did he mean by that? Trying to sort it all out made my head ache.
I felt unhinged. I finally had what I wanted. The guy I’d waited almost a decade for, and all I could do was think about someone else. Someone who was just as broken as me.
Chapter 25
Days slid into weeks. The weather grew colder and the first week of December saw our first snowfall. I lost myself in school, work, and Hunter. Meeting at the Java Hut most mornings became habit. True to his word, he was courting me. For the first time in my life I had a boyfriend.
Dinners out. A few movies. Study dates in the library. He was the perfect gentleman. Whenever the thought crossed my mind that he was maybe a little boring—or that we were—my mind drifted to Reece. I shouldn’t compare them, but I always found myself doing so. They were different. Reece was passion. Reece was risk. Reece and me? Well, that was never happening.
Besides. He wasn’t coming around anymore. He’d moved on just as I had. If I felt especially bitter and a little nauseated when I thought about him moving on, resuming his life, seeing other girls, I told myself it would pass. Eventually.
Em saw Reece at the bar—unnecessarily reminding me that he looked good. Well, to quote her: damn good. He had acknowledged her. Maybe they talked. I don’t know. I changed the subject. I was afraid to ask. Afraid to know what Em told him. As candid as she was, I was sure I wouldn’t like it.
My boots thudded over the sidewalk as I hurried toward the Hut. I was running a little late to meet Hunter. The pavement was swept clear of snow but a thin layer coated the shrubbery and lawn like fine powder.
I snuggled my chin deeper into my favorite cashmere scarf. It was a gift from Lila last Christmas, and more than I would ever have spent on myself. Turning the corner, I spotted Hunter waiting out front. He looked good in his dark overcoat with an ash-colored wool scarf draped effortlessly around him. He was one of those guys that looked good in a scarf. A pair of girls passing him on the sidewalk sent him a long glance. He didn’t even notice. His attention was fixed on me as I approached.
“Hey,” I greeted him, my breath fogging lightly in front of me.
“Hey there.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek.
“You didn’t have to wait out here. It’s freezing.”
He pulled open the door for me and I stepped into the cozy warm interior, immediately inhaling the aroma of espresso beans and fresh-baked pastries. Christmas music played softly and several festive wreaths and green garlands hung about the place.
Tugging off my gloves, I got into line.
“Let me guess. The usual latte and scone?” he asked beside me.
“Am I that predictable?” Smiling, I narrowed my eyes on him in mock annoyance. “That’s not such a good thing, I think. We’ve only been dating a little while.”
I inhaled. “Nothing. She always kept me safe. Or tried to anyway. She would leave me in a closet or bathroom. I’d hide in the tub with my stuffed animal. Purple Bear. I had him forever.” I smiled in memory. “My father won him at a carnival for me. I’d lost everything but I still had that bear. And Mom. Whenever she stuck me in a tub or closet while she got high with some loser, she told me Purple Bear would keep me safe until she came for me.”
I stopped now, because I couldn’t really talk about what happened next. I’d never talked about it with anyone before.
“But it didn’t keep you safe, did it?”
I shook my head, choking down a sob. “No.”
“What happened?”
My voice got really small. “He found me in the tub.” My fingers pressed over my lips. “I wasn’t quiet enough.”
“Who found you?”
I shook my head slowly, seeing the flash of a skull-faced ring. “Some guy. One of Mom’s . . . dates.”
“What did he do, Pepper?” His whisper was in direct contrast to his face, which was hard as stone, his eyes like ice chips.
I rocked back a little on the bed, hugging my knees closer to my chest. “He made me get out of the tub.” I sucked in a deep breath, bracing myself. Soundless tears rolled down my cheeks. I dashed them away with my hand, reciting the events of that night as matter-of-factly as possible—as though they had happened to some other girl and not me. Now that I had started, I was determined to say it all. Finally. “And then he made me take off my shirt.”
Reece’s arms wrapped around me again, holding me, and in that moment it was like they were the only thing keeping me together. Keeping me from breaking into pieces. My fingers dug into his forearms, clinging to him as words rushed from me.
“H-he unzipped his pants and started playing with himself in front of me . . . l-looking at me. He told me to touch it, but I wouldn’t.” I shook my head, lips pressing into a firm line as I recalled the man’s expression. Angry. But also excited that I was defying him. He wanted me to fight him. “He told me to take off the rest of my clothes. I tried to get away. He grabbed me, tried to pull down my shorts. I fought back and he just laughed and slapped me. Things got really crazy then. I screamed. Went a little hysterical.” I searched Reece’s gaze, shaking my head almost apologetically. Like I should somehow have kept my cool. “I was just a kid.”
He nodded, blinking eyes that looked suspiciously moist. “What happened next?”
I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “Mom came in and freaked. They fought. He slapped her around, but she got him out the door, and then she just came into the bathroom and stared at me. I never saw her look like that before. Even at Daddy’s funeral she had never looked so . . . wrecked. We packed up our stuff in the car and drove. I fell asleep in the backseat, but when I woke we were at Gram’s.”
I stopped at this part because as hard as it was to tell him what happened to me in that bathroom, this was actually harder. This was the part that was etched in my mind, burned into me with a red-hot brand.
“I was actually excited at first. Mom and Gram didn’t get along, so we didn’t see her that much. She took me to the door. Hugged me and . . . said good-bye.” I couldn’t breathe as I remembered this. The feel of my mother’s hands on my arms as she bent down and stared at me, her green eyes eerily bright in her thin face. “She told me she couldn’t keep me safe anymore.” The tears rolled freely, unchecked and silent on my cheeks.
Reece sighed. “It was the best she could do—”
“No,” I snapped. “The best she could have done is get the help she needed. Beat her addiction.”
He cupped my cheek gently. “She got you to someplace safe.”
“Safe?” I laughed at that. It was a harsh and ugly sound. “Funny you should say that.”
He arched an eyebrow.
“When she was walking away, she suddenly turned around. She ran back and grabbed Purple Bear from me. She ripped him. Tore him apart right in front of me.” I could still see all the tufts of cotton floating in the air.
“What the f**k?”
I continued bitterly, remembering how watching her destroy that bear felt like she was murdering a part of me. “She told me Purple Bear couldn’t keep me safe. Just like she couldn’t. That I should never expect that from anyone. That I needed to look after myself now and never count on anyone.”
He was silent for a moment, processing. “She was trying to help—”
“Yeah. I know she was trying to teach me a lesson in self-reliance. As screwed up as it was. But I was a child.”
Reece held me, his hand brushing my back in smooth sweeps. I let him. For a little while anyway, I let his hand and arms, his strong body, comfort me, knowing it would be the last time. He made small hushing sounds near my ear.
“I know you’ve been hurt,” he started, his voice low in my ear. “So have I. Maybe we can help heal each other.”
I broke away, peering at him in bewilderment.
He watched me, waiting as I studied him. As I observed a person every bit as damaged as I was. No one lost their mother at eight and lived with a man like his father and came out whole.
I turned and reached for my shirt and pulled it on over my head. Facing him again, I spoke evenly. “Ever since my mom left me I’ve had a plan. I know it sounds ridiculous to you, but Hunter was part of that.”
“That’s bullshit.” He stood. Indifferent to his nakedness, he grabbed his clothes and started getting dressed with hard movements. “You’ve built some kind of fairy tale around him. I guess the experience with your mother didn’t teach you shit.”
I flinched. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He stopped and glared at me. “You don’t want Hunter. You’re still looking for your purple bear. Someone to give you a sense of security. You don’t get it. That doesn’t exist. As wrong as your mom was about a lot of crap, she was right about that. Bad shit happens, and there’s not always gonna be someone there to protect you from it.”
I shook my head. “So what? I’m supposed to just flip a switch and walk away from a good thing and embrace . . .”
My gaze raked him.
You.
I didn’t say it, but we both heard it. He understood. His gaze scoured me, blazed a path across my features, missing nothing. Seeing more of me than I had ever revealed to anyone. All my flaws.
He made a disgusted sound and moved for the door. Opening it, he stopped and stood there, staring across the room at me. “You can’t even see it. I’m the safest thing you’ll ever find.”
And then he was gone. I was all alone.
I was lying in the same spot on the bed when Emerson and Georgia found me. They took one look at my ravaged face and surrounded me on the bed like clucking hens. Between choked tears and hiccups I told them everything. Well, everything except my f**ked-up history and why I couldn’t be with Reece.
“I don’t understand.” Georgia pushed the hair back off my shoulders and crossed her legs Indian style. “Why can’t you give him a chance?”
“You did sleep with him,” Em reminded me. As though I could forget that. “You must care about him.”
I looked between the two of them helplessly. I couldn’t bare myself to the bones twice in one day. I couldn’t take doing that all over again. “Just trust me. It wouldn’t work.”
“Okay.” Georgia held my hands between us, nodding gently. “Then we support you. Whatever you decide, we’re here for you.”
“Damn straight,” Em agreed. “You just tell us who to punch in the junk and we’re on it.”
I laughed, wiping at my runny nose. From Emerson’s relieved grin, that was clearly her goal. “No. Don’t hit anyone.”
My phone buzzed from across the room. I jumped up to grab it, my heart a stupid traitor in my chest, lifting with the insane hope that it was Reece.
Evidently it was going to take my heart some time to catch up with my brain. Why would I even want a text from him? Especially after I just broke up with him. Um. Not that we had been official or anything but it sure as hell felt like a breakup.
I scanned my phone. The message wasn’t from Reece.
Hunter: Miss u already. Dinner tomorrow?
Guilt pinched at my heart. While he was missing me I had been with Reece. I shook my head. Hunter and I hadn’t declared ourselves exclusive. And it had been just one time with Reece. And now it was over. Time to move on.
Dutifully, I typed a message back to him.
“Who is it?” Emerson asked as I set my phone back down and sank onto my swivel chair.
“Hunter. He wants to know if I want to grab dinner tomorrow night.”
“What did you tell him?”
“Yes.”
Emerson and Georgia exchanged glances. Clearly, they thought I was crazy, and I couldn’t disagree with them. Reece’s words played over and over in my mind. I’m the safest thing you’ll ever find. What did he mean by that? Trying to sort it all out made my head ache.
I felt unhinged. I finally had what I wanted. The guy I’d waited almost a decade for, and all I could do was think about someone else. Someone who was just as broken as me.
Chapter 25
Days slid into weeks. The weather grew colder and the first week of December saw our first snowfall. I lost myself in school, work, and Hunter. Meeting at the Java Hut most mornings became habit. True to his word, he was courting me. For the first time in my life I had a boyfriend.
Dinners out. A few movies. Study dates in the library. He was the perfect gentleman. Whenever the thought crossed my mind that he was maybe a little boring—or that we were—my mind drifted to Reece. I shouldn’t compare them, but I always found myself doing so. They were different. Reece was passion. Reece was risk. Reece and me? Well, that was never happening.
Besides. He wasn’t coming around anymore. He’d moved on just as I had. If I felt especially bitter and a little nauseated when I thought about him moving on, resuming his life, seeing other girls, I told myself it would pass. Eventually.
Em saw Reece at the bar—unnecessarily reminding me that he looked good. Well, to quote her: damn good. He had acknowledged her. Maybe they talked. I don’t know. I changed the subject. I was afraid to ask. Afraid to know what Em told him. As candid as she was, I was sure I wouldn’t like it.
My boots thudded over the sidewalk as I hurried toward the Hut. I was running a little late to meet Hunter. The pavement was swept clear of snow but a thin layer coated the shrubbery and lawn like fine powder.
I snuggled my chin deeper into my favorite cashmere scarf. It was a gift from Lila last Christmas, and more than I would ever have spent on myself. Turning the corner, I spotted Hunter waiting out front. He looked good in his dark overcoat with an ash-colored wool scarf draped effortlessly around him. He was one of those guys that looked good in a scarf. A pair of girls passing him on the sidewalk sent him a long glance. He didn’t even notice. His attention was fixed on me as I approached.
“Hey,” I greeted him, my breath fogging lightly in front of me.
“Hey there.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek.
“You didn’t have to wait out here. It’s freezing.”
He pulled open the door for me and I stepped into the cozy warm interior, immediately inhaling the aroma of espresso beans and fresh-baked pastries. Christmas music played softly and several festive wreaths and green garlands hung about the place.
Tugging off my gloves, I got into line.
“Let me guess. The usual latte and scone?” he asked beside me.
“Am I that predictable?” Smiling, I narrowed my eyes on him in mock annoyance. “That’s not such a good thing, I think. We’ve only been dating a little while.”
