From Twinkle, with Love
Page 35
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Victoria looked up from her phone. I only barely noticed her.
“Chill, dude,” Lewis said. “What, is it your time of the month or something?”
Sahil walked up, his eyes glinting. I’d never seen him look so … fierce. He was usually so soft and gentle, like that puppy in the toilet paper commercials.
I put a hand on his arm. “I got this.” When I looked back at Lewis, it was like this avalanche of rage just burst through me. It was like all the times I’d found Mummy sleeping when I needed her or Papa working when I wanted to talk to him, all the times Maddie had blown me off for her other friends, all the times Hannah had implied my hair was awful or my clothes belonged on Orphan Annie came rushing-gushing to the surface. I remembered years of being overlooked, of party invitations being “lost in the mail.” All of those things were volcanic lava, finally erupting after ages of being suppressed. Because now I was somebody. I wasn’t a wallflower anymore; I wasn’t that girl they could just ignore and push aside and laugh at.
“How. Dare. You,” I said to Lewis, and I heard the throbbing tremor of anger under my words. Pushing a finger into his chest, I continued. “You think just because your daddy is on the board of a gazillion hospitals and your mom was a model in the eighties that you own everyone around you? We’re all on your schedule because this is the Lewis Shore Show. And you can treat girls however you want because they’re just there to prop you up, to make you feel like a big man, right, Lewis? You never stop to think that you’re nothing but a grunting Neanderthal just like your father. So maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that you made that completely sexist, jerk comment.”
Lewis’s face was pale. To be honest, everyone looked like mannequins, staring at me in wide-eyed shock. It was like they couldn’t believe those words had come out of my mouth. I was breathing hard into the silence. To be honest, I couldn’t believe it either. All this stuff had just poured out, but it was all true. I mean, Lewis’s family is a total clichéd joke. But … if it was all true, why did I feel this burning, cringing inside me like I was the one who’d done something wrong?
Sahil spoke first. “Twinkle …,” he began, his voice heavy with what sounded a lot like disappointment and shock.
“What?” It came out sharper than I’d intended because I was starting to feel weirdly defensive. Why was everybody staring at me? Hadn’t they heard what Lewis had said to me? Hadn’t they heard the misogynistic comment that came after I had told him to do what he was supposed to be doing in the first place?
Maddie spoke next. First, she huffed a laugh that made me ten times angrier. “You can’t speak to people like that,” she said, her face a mask of disbelief. “Who do you think you are?”
“Who do I think I am? That’s hilarious coming from you, Maddie.” I gestured around at all of them. “You’re all so entitled. You think you can just behave however you want and say whatever you want. This movie means something to me. To you it’s maybe just a bullet on your college applications. But this is the career I want, okay? This is serious.”
Brij stepped closer to Maddie, almost unconsciously, I thought. His jaw was hard as he looked at me, shaking his head. But before I could call that out, Maddie was speaking again.
“Wow,” she said, staring at me. “I get that. Okay? But you can’t talk about people like that. It’s not right!”
“Can we all just take a deep breath?” Sahil said, his voice deep and calm. “This is getting out of hand.”
“What’s getting out of hand is Twinkle’s attitude,” Maddie said, unbuttoning her cape. “And you know what? I don’t need this crap.” She let it drop and stalked off, out the door.
“You can’t leave now!” I yelled at her retreating form. “This is the last week of shooting!”
The door banged shut.
Sixteen
After the door closed, I felt this wicked, dark sense of spite and anger building up inside me. “Fine!” I said, looking around at all of them. “If she won’t come back in, I’ll just scrap the whole thing. We’ve put all this time and effort into this, and no one will have anything to show for it!” Sahil shifted beside me, but I couldn’t look at him for some reason. Finally, Lewis spoke up. “We’ll go talk to Maddie. She won’t want to let us all down. She’s cool.” He, Brij, Francesca, and Victoria all walked out in silence.
I turned to Sahil and threw up my hands. “What?”
He raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t say anything.”
“I know, but I can tell you want to. So just let it out. Maybe you think I should take all of their crap but hold my own tongue. Or maybe you think strong women shouldn’t be so strong?” I crossed my arms.
Sahil stared at me. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Twinkle,” he said finally, shaking his head. “Why are you looking for a fight anyway?”
I had my mouth open all ready to argue with him. But then I stopped short. He was right. I was looking for a fight. I was absolutely gunning for it. But why? Why was I so angry? And why was it all coming out now?
I didn’t have time to say anything because I heard the front door open again. I waited, hardly breathing, to see who would round the corner. Lewis came first, followed by Francesca, and Victoria, and then Brij … and finally, Maddie. She didn’t meet my eye as she walked up. “I wouldn’t want everyone to have wasted their time,” she said to Sahil. “So I’m in.”
“Great,” Sahil said, looking at me. “Why don’t we pick this up tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I said after a pause. “Let’s take a break and do this scene over tomorrow.”
Sahil and I loaded the gear into his SUV without speaking much once everyone was gone. The air felt all strange and prickly between us. “Two more days of filming,” he said as he pressed the button to close the trunk.
“Yep. And then Skid’s going to have to kick things into gear to get it all edited in a week.”
Sahil nodded and brushed a strand of hair off his forehead. “He can do it, though. He’s a genius at that stuff.” He began to walk away. “Well, I’ll see ya. Your dad’s giving you a ride home, right?”
I put a hand on his arm. “Sahil.”
He paused, his eyes wary. “Yeah?”
I had a million things I wanted to say: I’m sorry I freaked out like that; I don’t know what came over me. Or, I think Lewis is a total buttmunch, but I shouldn’t have let him get under my skin and I definitely shouldn’t have been so mean to him, and I’m not sure why I was. Or even, if I was being 110 percent honest, I’m a little scared of how I’m changing. Because I am starting to think I’m better than other people. Because of my talent. And I don’t know how to stop because it feels good, for once, to be the one on top. It feels good to not be on the bottom being crapped on. When have I ever, ever been in this position in my life? When have people ever needed me for anything? When have they ever had to listen to me or else? So maybe I flew off the handle. But I wonder what anyone else in my position would’ve done.
But in the end, all I said to Sahil was, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
His face sagged a little, like I’d let him down. “Yeah. See ya.”
I feel like I’m in some Alice in Wonderland production where I can’t tell what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s up and what’s down. Is it wrong for me to get mad at Lewis’s obviously sexist comments? At the fact that he wasn’t taking it seriously? I don’t think so. But I think I took it too far. I shouldn’t have said those things about his dad. I know that. It was wrong. The truth is, I have power for the first time in my life. And I can’t seem to stop it from going to my head. It scares me, Mira. I don’t want to turn into someone I hate. But I also don’t know what to do about it.
Love,
Twinkle
Friday, June 19
Honors Calculus
Dear Nora Ephron, Today we got a nice little reprieve from the horror that is calculus. Mrs. Smith told us we could go to the library to “research one prominent figure in the field” (really she had a head cold and just wanted us out of her hair, I think). I was kids-cartoon-character-level happy. I mean, any day that I don’t have to spend cooped up in a classroom under fluorescent lights learning about open versus closed intervals is a good day.
“Chill, dude,” Lewis said. “What, is it your time of the month or something?”
Sahil walked up, his eyes glinting. I’d never seen him look so … fierce. He was usually so soft and gentle, like that puppy in the toilet paper commercials.
I put a hand on his arm. “I got this.” When I looked back at Lewis, it was like this avalanche of rage just burst through me. It was like all the times I’d found Mummy sleeping when I needed her or Papa working when I wanted to talk to him, all the times Maddie had blown me off for her other friends, all the times Hannah had implied my hair was awful or my clothes belonged on Orphan Annie came rushing-gushing to the surface. I remembered years of being overlooked, of party invitations being “lost in the mail.” All of those things were volcanic lava, finally erupting after ages of being suppressed. Because now I was somebody. I wasn’t a wallflower anymore; I wasn’t that girl they could just ignore and push aside and laugh at.
“How. Dare. You,” I said to Lewis, and I heard the throbbing tremor of anger under my words. Pushing a finger into his chest, I continued. “You think just because your daddy is on the board of a gazillion hospitals and your mom was a model in the eighties that you own everyone around you? We’re all on your schedule because this is the Lewis Shore Show. And you can treat girls however you want because they’re just there to prop you up, to make you feel like a big man, right, Lewis? You never stop to think that you’re nothing but a grunting Neanderthal just like your father. So maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that you made that completely sexist, jerk comment.”
Lewis’s face was pale. To be honest, everyone looked like mannequins, staring at me in wide-eyed shock. It was like they couldn’t believe those words had come out of my mouth. I was breathing hard into the silence. To be honest, I couldn’t believe it either. All this stuff had just poured out, but it was all true. I mean, Lewis’s family is a total clichéd joke. But … if it was all true, why did I feel this burning, cringing inside me like I was the one who’d done something wrong?
Sahil spoke first. “Twinkle …,” he began, his voice heavy with what sounded a lot like disappointment and shock.
“What?” It came out sharper than I’d intended because I was starting to feel weirdly defensive. Why was everybody staring at me? Hadn’t they heard what Lewis had said to me? Hadn’t they heard the misogynistic comment that came after I had told him to do what he was supposed to be doing in the first place?
Maddie spoke next. First, she huffed a laugh that made me ten times angrier. “You can’t speak to people like that,” she said, her face a mask of disbelief. “Who do you think you are?”
“Who do I think I am? That’s hilarious coming from you, Maddie.” I gestured around at all of them. “You’re all so entitled. You think you can just behave however you want and say whatever you want. This movie means something to me. To you it’s maybe just a bullet on your college applications. But this is the career I want, okay? This is serious.”
Brij stepped closer to Maddie, almost unconsciously, I thought. His jaw was hard as he looked at me, shaking his head. But before I could call that out, Maddie was speaking again.
“Wow,” she said, staring at me. “I get that. Okay? But you can’t talk about people like that. It’s not right!”
“Can we all just take a deep breath?” Sahil said, his voice deep and calm. “This is getting out of hand.”
“What’s getting out of hand is Twinkle’s attitude,” Maddie said, unbuttoning her cape. “And you know what? I don’t need this crap.” She let it drop and stalked off, out the door.
“You can’t leave now!” I yelled at her retreating form. “This is the last week of shooting!”
The door banged shut.
Sixteen
After the door closed, I felt this wicked, dark sense of spite and anger building up inside me. “Fine!” I said, looking around at all of them. “If she won’t come back in, I’ll just scrap the whole thing. We’ve put all this time and effort into this, and no one will have anything to show for it!” Sahil shifted beside me, but I couldn’t look at him for some reason. Finally, Lewis spoke up. “We’ll go talk to Maddie. She won’t want to let us all down. She’s cool.” He, Brij, Francesca, and Victoria all walked out in silence.
I turned to Sahil and threw up my hands. “What?”
He raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t say anything.”
“I know, but I can tell you want to. So just let it out. Maybe you think I should take all of their crap but hold my own tongue. Or maybe you think strong women shouldn’t be so strong?” I crossed my arms.
Sahil stared at me. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Twinkle,” he said finally, shaking his head. “Why are you looking for a fight anyway?”
I had my mouth open all ready to argue with him. But then I stopped short. He was right. I was looking for a fight. I was absolutely gunning for it. But why? Why was I so angry? And why was it all coming out now?
I didn’t have time to say anything because I heard the front door open again. I waited, hardly breathing, to see who would round the corner. Lewis came first, followed by Francesca, and Victoria, and then Brij … and finally, Maddie. She didn’t meet my eye as she walked up. “I wouldn’t want everyone to have wasted their time,” she said to Sahil. “So I’m in.”
“Great,” Sahil said, looking at me. “Why don’t we pick this up tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I said after a pause. “Let’s take a break and do this scene over tomorrow.”
Sahil and I loaded the gear into his SUV without speaking much once everyone was gone. The air felt all strange and prickly between us. “Two more days of filming,” he said as he pressed the button to close the trunk.
“Yep. And then Skid’s going to have to kick things into gear to get it all edited in a week.”
Sahil nodded and brushed a strand of hair off his forehead. “He can do it, though. He’s a genius at that stuff.” He began to walk away. “Well, I’ll see ya. Your dad’s giving you a ride home, right?”
I put a hand on his arm. “Sahil.”
He paused, his eyes wary. “Yeah?”
I had a million things I wanted to say: I’m sorry I freaked out like that; I don’t know what came over me. Or, I think Lewis is a total buttmunch, but I shouldn’t have let him get under my skin and I definitely shouldn’t have been so mean to him, and I’m not sure why I was. Or even, if I was being 110 percent honest, I’m a little scared of how I’m changing. Because I am starting to think I’m better than other people. Because of my talent. And I don’t know how to stop because it feels good, for once, to be the one on top. It feels good to not be on the bottom being crapped on. When have I ever, ever been in this position in my life? When have people ever needed me for anything? When have they ever had to listen to me or else? So maybe I flew off the handle. But I wonder what anyone else in my position would’ve done.
But in the end, all I said to Sahil was, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
His face sagged a little, like I’d let him down. “Yeah. See ya.”
I feel like I’m in some Alice in Wonderland production where I can’t tell what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s up and what’s down. Is it wrong for me to get mad at Lewis’s obviously sexist comments? At the fact that he wasn’t taking it seriously? I don’t think so. But I think I took it too far. I shouldn’t have said those things about his dad. I know that. It was wrong. The truth is, I have power for the first time in my life. And I can’t seem to stop it from going to my head. It scares me, Mira. I don’t want to turn into someone I hate. But I also don’t know what to do about it.
Love,
Twinkle
Friday, June 19
Honors Calculus
Dear Nora Ephron, Today we got a nice little reprieve from the horror that is calculus. Mrs. Smith told us we could go to the library to “research one prominent figure in the field” (really she had a head cold and just wanted us out of her hair, I think). I was kids-cartoon-character-level happy. I mean, any day that I don’t have to spend cooped up in a classroom under fluorescent lights learning about open versus closed intervals is a good day.
