Hard to Love You
Page 16
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Mason sat up, “You ok?”
I nodded and walked over to his bed. He looked at me and smiled. I attempted to smile back but it didn’t work. He pulled his covers back and motioned with his head to get in. I looked back over at the door before I climbed in. I knew this was wrong and we could get into a lot of trouble but I felt safe with Mason. He was always there to protect MacKenzie, as was Cooper, but I felt different with Mason.
Mason turned on his side to face me and gave me enough room on his twin size bed for me to lie down. “You want to talk about it?”
I didn’t answer right away as I got settled. I put my back to him so I didn’t have to look into his concerned eyes, “No, not really.”
I felt him brush my hair off the pillow and kiss my head. “I’m here when you’re ready.”
I shook my head. I finally felt relaxed enough, my eyes getting heavy.
The last thing I remember is Mason whispering, “I’ll protect you.”
MacKenzie nudges me with her knee. I blink a few times, clearing the memory away. “You ok?”
I nod, “Yeah.”
“Why are you crying?” she questions me.
I wipe my cheeks and sure enough they’re wet. I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to talk about it.
She wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me to her. “I love you, Hails.”
Another few tears roll down my cheek. “I love you too, Kenz.”
9
I toss and turn for a while; I can’t sleep worth a shit, the anticipation of what’s to come tomorrow. I wish that the day isn’t going to be painful for me, or for Hailey either. It’s my fault, like always. Maybe it’s better if Hailey and I do go our separate ways. I always seem to screw things up where she is concerned. I’ve told her for years that I would always protect her but I just seem to hurt her more. I should have just told her why I had Lily cornered. It’s stupid that I didn’t. Hailey and I made a promise to never ask the other to keep secrets. It wasn’t fair that we asked each other to hide things. I know she would probably understand why I did it. But on the other hand I knew it was a possibility that she might not, why should I trust anything that Lily said? She couldn’t be trusted. This was why I wanted to wait until after the wedding to talk to her.
I hear Ryder babbling and cooing down the hall. I figure since I’m up I figured I might as well go check on him and give Hunter a few extra hours of sleep.
I push his bedroom door open; Ryder is standing up in his pack-n-play, batting at his mobile. I cross the room to him and his eyes light up. “Hey big guy.”
Ryder smiles, showing me his gums and his two little bottom teeth that have popped up.
I reach down and pick him up, along with his blanket and his binky. I take a seat in the rocking chair with him and hope to rock him back to sleep. He’s sucking away on his binky and he’s got a hold of my finger.
“You know how lucky you are, Ryder?” He kicks his little feet. “Mommy is gonna look like a princess tomorrow, and your daddy is going to sweep her off her feet. You got pretty lucky with those two.”
He starts grunting and rubs his eyes with his hand. His blanket slides off of us; I reach down and grab it for him. I turn his little body so that we are chest to chest and his head is resting on my shoulder.
“Your mommy is one of the strongest women I know, aside from your grandma. She doesn’t look brave on the outside but she is on the inside. Don’t be fooled by her.” He tucks his arm up under my chin. “I’m gonna need you to help me out tomorrow, buddy. Aunt Hailey is going to be there and it’s going to mess with my head.” I take a deep breath. “I miss her.”
I listen closely to see if he’s gone back to sleep and I hear his soft breathing and feel it against my neck. I don’t want to move just yet in case he wakes up while I’m moving around so I hold him for a little while longer.
Holding him like this in my arms does something inside me. I want this with Hailey. I want the house with the white picket fence, the two point four kids and the dog. The last time I wanted something like this was when I begged my dad to let me play baseball all those years ago.
I feel Ryder moving so I hold on a little tighter to make sure I don’t drop him. Then I feel someone tap my arm.
“I’m going to put him down.” Hunter says when I open my eyes.
The room is bright, sun shining through the blinds. I must have fallen asleep while I was rocking Ryder.
I get up and walk quietly out into the hallway. Hunter follows once he lays Ryder down.
“How long have you been in there?” Hunter asks.
I shrug. “Not sure. It was around four when I heard him.”
Hunter nods. “I didn’t even hear him on the monitor.”
“No big deal, I was up.” We walk down the hall towards the stairs. “What time is it?”
I roll my stiff neck as he answers, “About ten. I peeked in to make sure Ryder was ok because he’s normally up way before now.”
When we reach the kitchen; I reach in the fridge for a bottle of water. “You want one?” I ask Hunter who is sitting at the kitchen table.
“No thanks.”
I shut the door and take a seat next time him. It’s quiet; Cooper, Jackson and Alex must either be out or still sleeping.
“Everything ok with you?” Hunter questions me.
I knew it was only a matter of time before someone asked me that.
“Yup, couldn’t be better.” I say sarcastically.
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“What do you want me to say? I f**ked up. What else is new?”
“What happened that night?” Hunter is looking at me with concern in his eyes. He knows I don’t do shit for no good reason, not where it concerns Hailey.
“Doesn’t matter, what’s done is done. Let’s not try to fix me today. Today is about you and my little sister. My shit will still be here later.”
Hunter watches me for a long few minutes, making me uncomfortable.
“I’ll drop it for now.” He tells me. “Cooper, Jackson and Alex will be back with breakfast soon. No one felt like cooking.”
I don’t answer back; food is the least of my worries. I grab my water bottle and head out on the back deck. I strip out of my shirt and take a run down on the beach, needing to clear my head.
A few hours later we are all dressed in our tuxes. The limo is outside, waiting to take us over to the hotel. The photographer is here, taking pictures of all of us out on the beach. She’s been snapping some with just Hunter and Ryder and a few with me, his best man. She’s finished now so we all pile into the limo and head to the hotel.
I nodded and walked over to his bed. He looked at me and smiled. I attempted to smile back but it didn’t work. He pulled his covers back and motioned with his head to get in. I looked back over at the door before I climbed in. I knew this was wrong and we could get into a lot of trouble but I felt safe with Mason. He was always there to protect MacKenzie, as was Cooper, but I felt different with Mason.
Mason turned on his side to face me and gave me enough room on his twin size bed for me to lie down. “You want to talk about it?”
I didn’t answer right away as I got settled. I put my back to him so I didn’t have to look into his concerned eyes, “No, not really.”
I felt him brush my hair off the pillow and kiss my head. “I’m here when you’re ready.”
I shook my head. I finally felt relaxed enough, my eyes getting heavy.
The last thing I remember is Mason whispering, “I’ll protect you.”
MacKenzie nudges me with her knee. I blink a few times, clearing the memory away. “You ok?”
I nod, “Yeah.”
“Why are you crying?” she questions me.
I wipe my cheeks and sure enough they’re wet. I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to talk about it.
She wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me to her. “I love you, Hails.”
Another few tears roll down my cheek. “I love you too, Kenz.”
9
I toss and turn for a while; I can’t sleep worth a shit, the anticipation of what’s to come tomorrow. I wish that the day isn’t going to be painful for me, or for Hailey either. It’s my fault, like always. Maybe it’s better if Hailey and I do go our separate ways. I always seem to screw things up where she is concerned. I’ve told her for years that I would always protect her but I just seem to hurt her more. I should have just told her why I had Lily cornered. It’s stupid that I didn’t. Hailey and I made a promise to never ask the other to keep secrets. It wasn’t fair that we asked each other to hide things. I know she would probably understand why I did it. But on the other hand I knew it was a possibility that she might not, why should I trust anything that Lily said? She couldn’t be trusted. This was why I wanted to wait until after the wedding to talk to her.
I hear Ryder babbling and cooing down the hall. I figure since I’m up I figured I might as well go check on him and give Hunter a few extra hours of sleep.
I push his bedroom door open; Ryder is standing up in his pack-n-play, batting at his mobile. I cross the room to him and his eyes light up. “Hey big guy.”
Ryder smiles, showing me his gums and his two little bottom teeth that have popped up.
I reach down and pick him up, along with his blanket and his binky. I take a seat in the rocking chair with him and hope to rock him back to sleep. He’s sucking away on his binky and he’s got a hold of my finger.
“You know how lucky you are, Ryder?” He kicks his little feet. “Mommy is gonna look like a princess tomorrow, and your daddy is going to sweep her off her feet. You got pretty lucky with those two.”
He starts grunting and rubs his eyes with his hand. His blanket slides off of us; I reach down and grab it for him. I turn his little body so that we are chest to chest and his head is resting on my shoulder.
“Your mommy is one of the strongest women I know, aside from your grandma. She doesn’t look brave on the outside but she is on the inside. Don’t be fooled by her.” He tucks his arm up under my chin. “I’m gonna need you to help me out tomorrow, buddy. Aunt Hailey is going to be there and it’s going to mess with my head.” I take a deep breath. “I miss her.”
I listen closely to see if he’s gone back to sleep and I hear his soft breathing and feel it against my neck. I don’t want to move just yet in case he wakes up while I’m moving around so I hold him for a little while longer.
Holding him like this in my arms does something inside me. I want this with Hailey. I want the house with the white picket fence, the two point four kids and the dog. The last time I wanted something like this was when I begged my dad to let me play baseball all those years ago.
I feel Ryder moving so I hold on a little tighter to make sure I don’t drop him. Then I feel someone tap my arm.
“I’m going to put him down.” Hunter says when I open my eyes.
The room is bright, sun shining through the blinds. I must have fallen asleep while I was rocking Ryder.
I get up and walk quietly out into the hallway. Hunter follows once he lays Ryder down.
“How long have you been in there?” Hunter asks.
I shrug. “Not sure. It was around four when I heard him.”
Hunter nods. “I didn’t even hear him on the monitor.”
“No big deal, I was up.” We walk down the hall towards the stairs. “What time is it?”
I roll my stiff neck as he answers, “About ten. I peeked in to make sure Ryder was ok because he’s normally up way before now.”
When we reach the kitchen; I reach in the fridge for a bottle of water. “You want one?” I ask Hunter who is sitting at the kitchen table.
“No thanks.”
I shut the door and take a seat next time him. It’s quiet; Cooper, Jackson and Alex must either be out or still sleeping.
“Everything ok with you?” Hunter questions me.
I knew it was only a matter of time before someone asked me that.
“Yup, couldn’t be better.” I say sarcastically.
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“What do you want me to say? I f**ked up. What else is new?”
“What happened that night?” Hunter is looking at me with concern in his eyes. He knows I don’t do shit for no good reason, not where it concerns Hailey.
“Doesn’t matter, what’s done is done. Let’s not try to fix me today. Today is about you and my little sister. My shit will still be here later.”
Hunter watches me for a long few minutes, making me uncomfortable.
“I’ll drop it for now.” He tells me. “Cooper, Jackson and Alex will be back with breakfast soon. No one felt like cooking.”
I don’t answer back; food is the least of my worries. I grab my water bottle and head out on the back deck. I strip out of my shirt and take a run down on the beach, needing to clear my head.
A few hours later we are all dressed in our tuxes. The limo is outside, waiting to take us over to the hotel. The photographer is here, taking pictures of all of us out on the beach. She’s been snapping some with just Hunter and Ryder and a few with me, his best man. She’s finished now so we all pile into the limo and head to the hotel.
