“No,” she said, settling back in her seat. “But I wish, you know…”
“Wish what, Court?”
“You know. That it could be just us.”
“Huh? What are you saying?” When she just shrugged and looked down into her lap, he nudged her. “What? Be specific.”
“I wish you wouldn’t get married again…”
He lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. “I haven’t made plans to get married. I haven’t even mentioned marriage to anyone. But I’m very fond of Kelly and she’s been real good to us—I wish you’d give her a chance. She doesn’t have to be your friend unless you want her to be. She’s my friend. But I don’t have plans to get married. Not at this point.”
“I’ll help around the house more,” she said. “I’ll keep straight As and I’ll be so polite all the time you’ll wonder if I’m possessed or something.”
He chuckled. “That would be nice. What a novel idea.”
“And it can be just us?”
“Courtney, I’m not getting married…”
“But you love her. I heard you on the phone. You love her.”
There was that superhuman hearing thing again, he thought.
“Yes,” he admitted simply. “What did I tell you, Court? If I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend, it won’t make me less of a father. I need friends, too. I need to feel love as much as anyone. But I’m not going to marry anyone until you like the idea as much as I do.”
“Promise?”
He sighed. “Promise. But I want you to keep an open mind. Kelly is good for me, she makes me happy. I think under the right circumstances, she could be good for you and make you happy, too.”
“But you promise?” she said.
He was quiet for a long moment. “Promise.”
Sixteen
Lief didn’t tell Kelly about the promise Courtney had extracted from him. He did tell Courtney that he was planning to continue his friendship with Kelly. He had to repeat that he wasn’t planning to let it interfere with his relationship with Courtney and he wouldn’t be marrying anyone without her approval. At least while she was a young teen, living under his roof.
Guilt about that promise flared in him when he and Courtney got home late Christmas Eve. He found Kelly asleep on the couch, Spike cradled in her arms, snacks in the kitchen waiting for them, a fire still smoldering in the hearth and lights twinkling on the tree.
Lief left the suitcases sitting in the hall and asked Courtney to take Spike outside for a bathroom break. He knelt beside Kelly, smoothing her blond hair away from her brow. “Why aren’t you in bed?” he asked her.
“Hm,” she said, sleepy. “Oh, I’m fine here. Since I knew you were coming, I put fresh linens on the bed and left out some snacks. I bet you guys are tired.”
“You want to guess how much I wish I could just take you to bed with me?”
She smiled dreamily. “As much as I’d like to go?” She sat up. “I’ll go and let you guys get to bed.”
“You don’t have to go. It’s late, it’s cold. Stay here.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, lying back down.
He laughed at her.
“If you feel like company tomorrow, I thought I’d make glazed ham, cheesy potatoes, some green vegetables, pie….”
“It’s so much trouble,” he said.
“I’d be glad to, but I don’t have to. If you’d rather be alone…” she said.
“I would love to spend Christmas Day with you.”
“I’m so happy you’re home. And that everything worked out in spite of Stu.”
Christmas Day was the three of them, Kelly mostly in the kitchen. The dinner was tailor-made for someone like Courtney, though perfectly enjoyable for Lief. He knew that Kelly would have prepared something far more gourmet if not for Courtney—a goose with all the trimmings, maybe. A pudding? Mincemeat pie?
All day long Lief was chasing the puppy to get his sharp little teeth off the Christmas tree lights, the TV remote, his shoes, the edge of the area rug. And he’d yell, “Courtney! If you can’t watch him, he has to be in the kennel!”
They had a gift exchange. It wasn’t too fancy—a sweater for Lief, a couple of tops and a new pair of boots for Courtney, a suede jacket for Kelly. There was a small box from Kelly for Courtney. The excitement on Kelly’s face, like she was lit from inside, when Courtney finally opened it sent such a river of hope through Lief. It was a necklace, a silver necklace with a silver charm in the shape of a dog, perhaps a golden retriever. Courtney gasped when she saw it. She lifted it out of the box and held it up. And then, as if she remembered she wasn’t going to encourage this relationship, she put it back in the box and put the lid on. She said, “Nice. Thanks.”
And Lief’s heart fell.
No one could have possibly been more relieved that Christmas was past than Kelly. First of all, Jillian and Colin came home, and her loneliness was eased. Second, Courtney was busy again; even before school was back in session, she went to see her counselor, went for riding lessons, spent an afternoon and evening at the Hawkins farm. She could have time with Lief, and when there were finally a few hours to string together, she fell into bed with him like a desperate, wanton woman.
When school was back in full swing, she had her lover during the day, like a married woman cheating on her spouse. They spent a few evenings together as well, but there was no privacy at Jillian’s house nor at Lief’s in the evenings. Still, they could have dinner together, even if it was just the gang. If Kelly cooked at Jillian’s, the meal included anyone who happened to be around, often Luke and Shelby as well, and of course, Courtney was always invited. If Kelly cooked at Lief’s, it was the three of them.
Courtney was never talkative. She was distant and cold; she couldn’t be more obvious—she was not going to warm up to Kelly. She had a smile for just about anyone else, but for Kelly her behavior edged near contempt. Short, one-word responses, frowns or flat expressions, eye rolling and tongue clucking. Kelly was to the point that if Courtney just went to her room and ignored them, she felt it was a good night!
Courtney didn’t wear the silver necklace with the doggie charm.
Through the freezing snow and sleet of January, Kelly shipped some of her jars of sauces, relishes and chutneys to people Luca had contacted for her, interested retailers in the Bay Area. She spent most of her time during the icy-cold month experimenting with soups and stews. She invited her friend Laura Osika to the Victorian to have some fun with vegetarian soups—Laura was, remarkably, a vegetarian married to a butcher. They worked together on a few of their meatless recipes.
“How did you end up married to a butcher?” Kelly asked.
“Very simple,” she answered with a warm smile. “I loved him.”
Kelly only wished love could solve her problems, for she loved Lief so much.
Winter was a great time of year to hang out in the bar kitchen with Preacher because there weren’t hunters or fishermen around. They cooked together, exchanged favorite recipes, techniques and menus. Preacher showed her what to do with game, and she showed him what to do with pastry. They had a wonderful time with stews and breads. They decided to have a chili cook-off at the bar, and it seemed to Kelly that half the town showed up. The results? A tie!
On Valentine’s Day Lief brought her flowers and a beautiful platinum choker from Tiffany’s that he admitted he had ordered from the jewelry store online. He left Courtney at home with the puppy and spent time on the third floor with Kelly, sharing a bottle of wine. But he had to get home.
And then came the rains of March, and Kelly knew it was time to make a change. She held Lief’s hands in hers and said, “I don’t know when I’ve loved a man like I love you. You make me feel like the perfect woman. Every minute I spend with you is the best minute of my day, whether we’re making love or having a meal or just talking. But those minutes?” she asked, shaking her head. “Not so many in the grand scheme of things. Of every day, every week, I have much too much time to myself, wondering when I’ll be able to see you, wondering if we’ll ever be able to make this work. Lief, I can’t do this anymore.
“I’m going to call Luca, Lief. I’m going to tell him I need a job. Either processed food production for my recipes or a chef’s position. Anything he has. I have to have purpose, something to work for. I have to feel valued. Like I’m building something.”
“But your sauces and relishes… You are building something… Right here!”
“With a lover on the side who I can meet for a quickie during school hours?” She shook her head. “It’s not working for me, Lief. It’s half a life.”
“You’d leave here? But you love it here!” he said.
“I do. And I love you. But I can’t stay here. I’m afraid of what’s going to become of us. I’m afraid I’ll actually marry you, completely against Courtney’s wishes, by the way. And in a couple of years when the blush of brand-new love and passion settles and all that’s left is the chill in the air from your daughter, it’s going to be so painful. It’s going to hurt me, you, her.”
“Please,” he said. “Don’t give up on us. Not yet. I think she just needs time—when she’s more mature…”
“I’m not giving up. I’m going to ask for a job. But when I get a job, I’m only going to visit now and then—maybe we can keep things in perspective that way. Maybe if I live in San Francisco, Courtney will be less threatened by me.” She shrugged. “It could take Luca weeks or months to come up with something for me.”
“I saw the hungry look in his eyes,” Lief said. “He’ll have the perfect job within minutes.”
“Oh, I’m not leaving you for Luca. You know that! That part of my life, that silly fantasy? Over forever. But I’m lonely here. Jill has her work, her lover, Colin’s family… I just stay busy and wait for you to call.” She shook her head. “I understand how it is—you’re a father first and your daughter needs you. She needs to be sure of your commitment to her. She will recover from everything she’s been through, I know she will, but it might be a long time. And she might be thirty-five when she’s finally ready to let me in.
“We’ll stay in touch,” she went on. “Maybe you can even escape now and then and spend a couple of nights with me in the city.”
“What are you saying?” he asked. “That you’ll wait for me?”
She shook her head. “Not saying that either, Lief. I’m saying that I’m in love with you, that moving on is so hard for me it breaks my heart, but maybe the time for us isn’t right now. Maybe it’s later, when your life is more settled and stable. And if later comes and my life hasn’t changed too much…” She shrugged. “Maybe it will still all work out. But it’s not working out now. And I can’t stay here this way. It hurts too much. I feel empty inside…”
“Is this how you break up? End it? Because I’m not ready for that to happen! I’ll just tell Courtney that she has to—”
“Sh,” she said, putting her finger to his lips. “I’m going back to the city to work as soon as I get a good offer. And I’m not telling you this so you’ll have a standoff with your daughter. You have to take care of her. I’m telling you because I don’t want you to be surprised. You can’t make Courtney accept me. In fact, if you’re able to force her to accept me, that would be even worse.” She shook her head. “What’s supposed to happen will happen. In the meantime, I’m going back to work.”
“Wish what, Court?”
“You know. That it could be just us.”
“Huh? What are you saying?” When she just shrugged and looked down into her lap, he nudged her. “What? Be specific.”
“I wish you wouldn’t get married again…”
He lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. “I haven’t made plans to get married. I haven’t even mentioned marriage to anyone. But I’m very fond of Kelly and she’s been real good to us—I wish you’d give her a chance. She doesn’t have to be your friend unless you want her to be. She’s my friend. But I don’t have plans to get married. Not at this point.”
“I’ll help around the house more,” she said. “I’ll keep straight As and I’ll be so polite all the time you’ll wonder if I’m possessed or something.”
He chuckled. “That would be nice. What a novel idea.”
“And it can be just us?”
“Courtney, I’m not getting married…”
“But you love her. I heard you on the phone. You love her.”
There was that superhuman hearing thing again, he thought.
“Yes,” he admitted simply. “What did I tell you, Court? If I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend, it won’t make me less of a father. I need friends, too. I need to feel love as much as anyone. But I’m not going to marry anyone until you like the idea as much as I do.”
“Promise?”
He sighed. “Promise. But I want you to keep an open mind. Kelly is good for me, she makes me happy. I think under the right circumstances, she could be good for you and make you happy, too.”
“But you promise?” she said.
He was quiet for a long moment. “Promise.”
Sixteen
Lief didn’t tell Kelly about the promise Courtney had extracted from him. He did tell Courtney that he was planning to continue his friendship with Kelly. He had to repeat that he wasn’t planning to let it interfere with his relationship with Courtney and he wouldn’t be marrying anyone without her approval. At least while she was a young teen, living under his roof.
Guilt about that promise flared in him when he and Courtney got home late Christmas Eve. He found Kelly asleep on the couch, Spike cradled in her arms, snacks in the kitchen waiting for them, a fire still smoldering in the hearth and lights twinkling on the tree.
Lief left the suitcases sitting in the hall and asked Courtney to take Spike outside for a bathroom break. He knelt beside Kelly, smoothing her blond hair away from her brow. “Why aren’t you in bed?” he asked her.
“Hm,” she said, sleepy. “Oh, I’m fine here. Since I knew you were coming, I put fresh linens on the bed and left out some snacks. I bet you guys are tired.”
“You want to guess how much I wish I could just take you to bed with me?”
She smiled dreamily. “As much as I’d like to go?” She sat up. “I’ll go and let you guys get to bed.”
“You don’t have to go. It’s late, it’s cold. Stay here.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, lying back down.
He laughed at her.
“If you feel like company tomorrow, I thought I’d make glazed ham, cheesy potatoes, some green vegetables, pie….”
“It’s so much trouble,” he said.
“I’d be glad to, but I don’t have to. If you’d rather be alone…” she said.
“I would love to spend Christmas Day with you.”
“I’m so happy you’re home. And that everything worked out in spite of Stu.”
Christmas Day was the three of them, Kelly mostly in the kitchen. The dinner was tailor-made for someone like Courtney, though perfectly enjoyable for Lief. He knew that Kelly would have prepared something far more gourmet if not for Courtney—a goose with all the trimmings, maybe. A pudding? Mincemeat pie?
All day long Lief was chasing the puppy to get his sharp little teeth off the Christmas tree lights, the TV remote, his shoes, the edge of the area rug. And he’d yell, “Courtney! If you can’t watch him, he has to be in the kennel!”
They had a gift exchange. It wasn’t too fancy—a sweater for Lief, a couple of tops and a new pair of boots for Courtney, a suede jacket for Kelly. There was a small box from Kelly for Courtney. The excitement on Kelly’s face, like she was lit from inside, when Courtney finally opened it sent such a river of hope through Lief. It was a necklace, a silver necklace with a silver charm in the shape of a dog, perhaps a golden retriever. Courtney gasped when she saw it. She lifted it out of the box and held it up. And then, as if she remembered she wasn’t going to encourage this relationship, she put it back in the box and put the lid on. She said, “Nice. Thanks.”
And Lief’s heart fell.
No one could have possibly been more relieved that Christmas was past than Kelly. First of all, Jillian and Colin came home, and her loneliness was eased. Second, Courtney was busy again; even before school was back in session, she went to see her counselor, went for riding lessons, spent an afternoon and evening at the Hawkins farm. She could have time with Lief, and when there were finally a few hours to string together, she fell into bed with him like a desperate, wanton woman.
When school was back in full swing, she had her lover during the day, like a married woman cheating on her spouse. They spent a few evenings together as well, but there was no privacy at Jillian’s house nor at Lief’s in the evenings. Still, they could have dinner together, even if it was just the gang. If Kelly cooked at Jillian’s, the meal included anyone who happened to be around, often Luke and Shelby as well, and of course, Courtney was always invited. If Kelly cooked at Lief’s, it was the three of them.
Courtney was never talkative. She was distant and cold; she couldn’t be more obvious—she was not going to warm up to Kelly. She had a smile for just about anyone else, but for Kelly her behavior edged near contempt. Short, one-word responses, frowns or flat expressions, eye rolling and tongue clucking. Kelly was to the point that if Courtney just went to her room and ignored them, she felt it was a good night!
Courtney didn’t wear the silver necklace with the doggie charm.
Through the freezing snow and sleet of January, Kelly shipped some of her jars of sauces, relishes and chutneys to people Luca had contacted for her, interested retailers in the Bay Area. She spent most of her time during the icy-cold month experimenting with soups and stews. She invited her friend Laura Osika to the Victorian to have some fun with vegetarian soups—Laura was, remarkably, a vegetarian married to a butcher. They worked together on a few of their meatless recipes.
“How did you end up married to a butcher?” Kelly asked.
“Very simple,” she answered with a warm smile. “I loved him.”
Kelly only wished love could solve her problems, for she loved Lief so much.
Winter was a great time of year to hang out in the bar kitchen with Preacher because there weren’t hunters or fishermen around. They cooked together, exchanged favorite recipes, techniques and menus. Preacher showed her what to do with game, and she showed him what to do with pastry. They had a wonderful time with stews and breads. They decided to have a chili cook-off at the bar, and it seemed to Kelly that half the town showed up. The results? A tie!
On Valentine’s Day Lief brought her flowers and a beautiful platinum choker from Tiffany’s that he admitted he had ordered from the jewelry store online. He left Courtney at home with the puppy and spent time on the third floor with Kelly, sharing a bottle of wine. But he had to get home.
And then came the rains of March, and Kelly knew it was time to make a change. She held Lief’s hands in hers and said, “I don’t know when I’ve loved a man like I love you. You make me feel like the perfect woman. Every minute I spend with you is the best minute of my day, whether we’re making love or having a meal or just talking. But those minutes?” she asked, shaking her head. “Not so many in the grand scheme of things. Of every day, every week, I have much too much time to myself, wondering when I’ll be able to see you, wondering if we’ll ever be able to make this work. Lief, I can’t do this anymore.
“I’m going to call Luca, Lief. I’m going to tell him I need a job. Either processed food production for my recipes or a chef’s position. Anything he has. I have to have purpose, something to work for. I have to feel valued. Like I’m building something.”
“But your sauces and relishes… You are building something… Right here!”
“With a lover on the side who I can meet for a quickie during school hours?” She shook her head. “It’s not working for me, Lief. It’s half a life.”
“You’d leave here? But you love it here!” he said.
“I do. And I love you. But I can’t stay here. I’m afraid of what’s going to become of us. I’m afraid I’ll actually marry you, completely against Courtney’s wishes, by the way. And in a couple of years when the blush of brand-new love and passion settles and all that’s left is the chill in the air from your daughter, it’s going to be so painful. It’s going to hurt me, you, her.”
“Please,” he said. “Don’t give up on us. Not yet. I think she just needs time—when she’s more mature…”
“I’m not giving up. I’m going to ask for a job. But when I get a job, I’m only going to visit now and then—maybe we can keep things in perspective that way. Maybe if I live in San Francisco, Courtney will be less threatened by me.” She shrugged. “It could take Luca weeks or months to come up with something for me.”
“I saw the hungry look in his eyes,” Lief said. “He’ll have the perfect job within minutes.”
“Oh, I’m not leaving you for Luca. You know that! That part of my life, that silly fantasy? Over forever. But I’m lonely here. Jill has her work, her lover, Colin’s family… I just stay busy and wait for you to call.” She shook her head. “I understand how it is—you’re a father first and your daughter needs you. She needs to be sure of your commitment to her. She will recover from everything she’s been through, I know she will, but it might be a long time. And she might be thirty-five when she’s finally ready to let me in.
“We’ll stay in touch,” she went on. “Maybe you can even escape now and then and spend a couple of nights with me in the city.”
“What are you saying?” he asked. “That you’ll wait for me?”
She shook her head. “Not saying that either, Lief. I’m saying that I’m in love with you, that moving on is so hard for me it breaks my heart, but maybe the time for us isn’t right now. Maybe it’s later, when your life is more settled and stable. And if later comes and my life hasn’t changed too much…” She shrugged. “Maybe it will still all work out. But it’s not working out now. And I can’t stay here this way. It hurts too much. I feel empty inside…”
“Is this how you break up? End it? Because I’m not ready for that to happen! I’ll just tell Courtney that she has to—”
“Sh,” she said, putting her finger to his lips. “I’m going back to the city to work as soon as I get a good offer. And I’m not telling you this so you’ll have a standoff with your daughter. You have to take care of her. I’m telling you because I don’t want you to be surprised. You can’t make Courtney accept me. In fact, if you’re able to force her to accept me, that would be even worse.” She shook her head. “What’s supposed to happen will happen. In the meantime, I’m going back to work.”
