“Don’t,” he said. “Not yet. We’ll figure it out…”
She shook her head. “We’re the grown-ups who know how to handle tough stuff. Let’s act like the grown-ups.”
“I think we’re just about done with this whole counseling thing,” Courtney told Jerry. “We’ve been at it for months and there’s nothing left to talk about.”
“Well,” he began with his usual patience. “We might talk about why you’re not very happy these days.”
“What? I’m happy! Perfectly happy!”
He leaned back in his chair. “Convincing,” he said drily.
“Thing is, Jerry, I’m too busy for this. I have a lot of responsibility. I promised Dad I’d keep my grades up, I have to keep an eye on Spike all the time, I help around the house and even cook—he loves it when I cook—and now that the snow’s melting, I’m riding more.”
Jerry glanced outside. It was overcast and drizzling. “Not missing any riding today, are you?”
“Duh,” she said.
“This one hour a week might seem like a waste of time to you now, but you might look back on it and find it was productive.”
“Seriously, I’m pretty busy…”
“I realize that, Courtney. I have noticed some changes since we started our discussions.”
“Yeah, my hair is all one color. I bet you’re taking credit.”
He disregarded that. “When we started meeting, you called Stu your dad and your stepdad was Lief. Always Lief. Now he’s Dad and Stu is Stu.”
“Well, after what Stu did to me over Christmas, he’s lucky I even call him Stu!”
“Point very well taken. What do you hear from him?”
“You’re kidding me, right? We don’t hear from him. That doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s going on down there. Dad found out that Stu and Sherry are getting divorced. He found out from the lawyer who’s handling our custody thing.”
“How’s that going, the custody thing?” Jerry asked.
“Stu’s signing off on me. And I guess in his divorce, the loser gets custody of those boys.” She smiled wickedly.
“Does that give you some peace of mind, Courtney? That you can now safely assume you’re permanently settled with Lief? I mean, your dad?”
“Sure,” she said. “I guess.”
“That’s what you want, right?” he asked.
“Uh-huh. Yeah.”
Jerry leaned toward her. “What’s wrong, Courtney?”
She shrugged. She looked down. “It might not be making him that happy…”
“Why do you say that?”
“He’s sad,” she said. “He’s been sad since we got home at Christmas. Sad almost like he was after my mom died. Not that bad, but still…”
“Have you talked to him about that?”
“Like, what am I supposed to say?”
“How about something like, ‘You seem sad. Why are you sad?’”
She shook her head. She really didn’t want to do that. She was afraid of the answer.
“Want to have a family session? I could ask him with you present and that would give you an opportunity to listen in a safe place. You wouldn’t have to do the asking.”
She shook her head again. Safe place or not, she didn’t want the answer.
“Oh, boy,” Jerry said. “You have a very big cork holding back something important. If you’ll get it out where we can look at it, maybe we can work through it.”
“You say that a lot,” she said, an angry edge to her voice. “Get it out where we can look at it! I don’t have to look at it! He’s sad, that’s all.”
“Are you afraid he’s sad because he now has permanent custody?”
“No!” she shot back angrily. “I know why he’s sad! Because I told him he can’t marry Kelly!”
Silence hung in the air for a moment. Finally Jerry said, “Was he planning to marry Kelly?”
She shook her head and swallowed thickly. “He said he wasn’t planning to.”
“Okay,” Jerry said. “So, you’re both in the same canoe on that subject. Then why is he sad and you’re sad that he’s sad?”
She took a breath. “He wants me to give her a chance because he said she’s a good person. And I said I want it to be just us. Me and him.”
“I see. You must have had a very good reason…”
“You know,” she said. “The way things go.”
“Maybe you could explain that to me in your own words and we could go from there.”
She smirked at him. “You know, you’re such a sneak sometimes. This is more of that Get it out there where we can look at it!”
“Guilty as charged. Got an A-plus in Sneaky 101. So?”
“Things just don’t work out the best sometimes, you know? Me and my mom were real happy, then Dad came along. We were all real happy. Then my mom died and Dad sent me to Stu. He said he had to and didn’t want to, but that didn’t make it easy. Then Stu sent me back. Then Stu tricked me at Christmas and almost gave me a f**king nervous breakdown… Sorry. About the swearing.”
“Courtney, you can swear your head off in here. As much as you want. I’m not here to judge. Go on.”
“So then I’m back with Dad and what’s the first thing we have to think about? How about Kelly? Let’s let Kelly come into the family!”
“Don’t you like Kelly?”
“She’s all right. She’s even nice, sort of. She can be funny. I like her sister better but her sister is hooked up to Colin, who I also like. It’s not that I don’t like her.”
“Then what is it?”
“What if they get married and something happens? What if Dad dies, then Kelly has me, then Kelly gives me back to Stu, then Stu gives me back to Kelly, then Kelly finds some guy to marry and she dies and so on? Huh? You think I feel like doing all that again?”
“Apparently it’s the uncertainty of the future that bothers you most. Frightens you.”
“Duh,” she said.
“Maybe you should talk to your dad about this.”
“What’s he going to say? That he’s not going to die? He can! I think it’s better if it’s just us. Me and him. We don’t need anyone else.”
Jerry waited it out, like he was expecting her to say something more. Finally he said, “But you do. Courtney, you do need other people. And right now, one of the things you need to know is what plans your dad has for you if anything should happen to him. Not only is there a possible new woman in your future, but your dad also has family in Idaho. Family you like. As for Kelly, she has family you like. Why don’t you try to get some of these questions answered before you put this kind of pressure on yourself?”
“What pressure? It’s no pressure on me! If he wasn’t sad, I wouldn’t be sad!”
“But that’s where you’re wrong—this situation that you’ve outlined, just you and him and the rest of the world stay away—this puts an enormous burden on you. You’re fourteen and a half, almost fifteen. Very soon there’s going to be a boyfriend if there isn’t already, and he’s only going to be the first boyfriend. You’re going to get older, spread your wings, go to college, travel the world, find new boyfriends and more best female friends. In a few years, about three and a half, you’re not going to be living with your dad every day, every night. You’re probably going to be living in a dorm or apartment with girlfriends. You’re going to fall in love. You might fall in love more than once. You might go back to your dad’s now and then, maybe even for long stretches like a couple of months at a time. But it’s your job to build a life outside of your dad’s house. And then you’re going to want to bring some of that life back to him to share—like your boyfriend, your fiancé, your husband and children…”
“That is not happening anytime soon!”
“Sooner than you think. What about your dad? Don’t you worry that he’ll be lonely when you start to spread your wings?”
“We can worry about that later…”
“I see. Well, just so you know, they don’t allow fathers to live in sorority houses with their daughters.”
“Funny. You’re so funny…”
“Courtney, you’re not only asking him to remain lonely and sad so that you can feel safe, but you’re asking yourself to keep all the important people of your future away so you can dedicate yourself to him so you can feel safe. And you’ll be lonely.” Jerry shook his head. “That’s the hard way.”
“Then what’s the easy way?”
“Tell your dad you’ve been stressed out about your future, about where you would go and what you would do if anything should happen to him. Talk it out.”
“He’ll just say—”
“Lief Holbrook lost a young wife in a completely tragic and unpredictable brain hemorrhage. He is not going to say it can’t happen.” Jerry paused. “And if there’s the slightest worry that you might be a little afraid of getting attached to someone like Kelly and losing her somehow, you could talk about that, as well.”
She just shrugged. And gave a little sniff, though she wasn’t going to cry.
“You’re not unique, you know,” Jerry said. “It’s not even a teenage thing, Courtney. It’s a very normal, human frailty we all have, to be afraid someone we love could be taken from us. And the reality is, eventually we all suffer loss. It’s a sad fact of life. There is no way to stop it, really. But there is a way to prepare for it…”
“Let me guess,” she said sarcastically, feeling a very large rock welled in her throat. “Get it out there where you can look at it.”
“Yes, Courtney, tiresome as you find it. This is what people do to the best of their ability. Not just by talking about their fears and worries, but by being proactive. They have medical checkups, take their vitamins, wear their seat belts, write wills. It really does all begin with talking about it, however. I’d like you to seriously consider that.”
“But see, not everyone goes through it,” she said. “Even if they talk about it, sometimes it never comes,” she said, unable to swallow.
“Yes, Courtney. Everyone goes through it. You can’t name a person who hasn’t or won’t experience loss and grief.”
“How about Amber, huh? The only girl in a family that thinks she’s the princess? I mean, they’re dorky, but really… And she’s too dorky to ever worry about anything. Amber’s life is so calm and easy, even if she does have a lot of chores.”
Jerry lifted a brow. “And doesn’t she also have a little brother or nephew in a wheelchair? With a disease for which there is no known cure?”
“Rory,” she said in a breath. How had Rory not even come to mind? Because even though he was in a wheelchair, he was so cute and funny and crazy, it was easy to forget he might not live past his teenage years. He could, she knew that. Not likely, though. “Well, thanks a lot. Now I feel even worse.”
“When you and your dad understand each other’s feelings, you’re going to feel a lot better. I’m going to see you in a week. If you want to bring your dad along for a little help in talking about this, you’re welcome to do so.”
“Not f**king likely,” she said. Then she tilted her head and smirked at him. “You said I could swear.”
“Absolutely, Courtney. In fact, it’s helpful. When you cut loose like that, I know what things you’re most angry or passionate about.”
She shook her head. “We’re the grown-ups who know how to handle tough stuff. Let’s act like the grown-ups.”
“I think we’re just about done with this whole counseling thing,” Courtney told Jerry. “We’ve been at it for months and there’s nothing left to talk about.”
“Well,” he began with his usual patience. “We might talk about why you’re not very happy these days.”
“What? I’m happy! Perfectly happy!”
He leaned back in his chair. “Convincing,” he said drily.
“Thing is, Jerry, I’m too busy for this. I have a lot of responsibility. I promised Dad I’d keep my grades up, I have to keep an eye on Spike all the time, I help around the house and even cook—he loves it when I cook—and now that the snow’s melting, I’m riding more.”
Jerry glanced outside. It was overcast and drizzling. “Not missing any riding today, are you?”
“Duh,” she said.
“This one hour a week might seem like a waste of time to you now, but you might look back on it and find it was productive.”
“Seriously, I’m pretty busy…”
“I realize that, Courtney. I have noticed some changes since we started our discussions.”
“Yeah, my hair is all one color. I bet you’re taking credit.”
He disregarded that. “When we started meeting, you called Stu your dad and your stepdad was Lief. Always Lief. Now he’s Dad and Stu is Stu.”
“Well, after what Stu did to me over Christmas, he’s lucky I even call him Stu!”
“Point very well taken. What do you hear from him?”
“You’re kidding me, right? We don’t hear from him. That doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s going on down there. Dad found out that Stu and Sherry are getting divorced. He found out from the lawyer who’s handling our custody thing.”
“How’s that going, the custody thing?” Jerry asked.
“Stu’s signing off on me. And I guess in his divorce, the loser gets custody of those boys.” She smiled wickedly.
“Does that give you some peace of mind, Courtney? That you can now safely assume you’re permanently settled with Lief? I mean, your dad?”
“Sure,” she said. “I guess.”
“That’s what you want, right?” he asked.
“Uh-huh. Yeah.”
Jerry leaned toward her. “What’s wrong, Courtney?”
She shrugged. She looked down. “It might not be making him that happy…”
“Why do you say that?”
“He’s sad,” she said. “He’s been sad since we got home at Christmas. Sad almost like he was after my mom died. Not that bad, but still…”
“Have you talked to him about that?”
“Like, what am I supposed to say?”
“How about something like, ‘You seem sad. Why are you sad?’”
She shook her head. She really didn’t want to do that. She was afraid of the answer.
“Want to have a family session? I could ask him with you present and that would give you an opportunity to listen in a safe place. You wouldn’t have to do the asking.”
She shook her head again. Safe place or not, she didn’t want the answer.
“Oh, boy,” Jerry said. “You have a very big cork holding back something important. If you’ll get it out where we can look at it, maybe we can work through it.”
“You say that a lot,” she said, an angry edge to her voice. “Get it out where we can look at it! I don’t have to look at it! He’s sad, that’s all.”
“Are you afraid he’s sad because he now has permanent custody?”
“No!” she shot back angrily. “I know why he’s sad! Because I told him he can’t marry Kelly!”
Silence hung in the air for a moment. Finally Jerry said, “Was he planning to marry Kelly?”
She shook her head and swallowed thickly. “He said he wasn’t planning to.”
“Okay,” Jerry said. “So, you’re both in the same canoe on that subject. Then why is he sad and you’re sad that he’s sad?”
She took a breath. “He wants me to give her a chance because he said she’s a good person. And I said I want it to be just us. Me and him.”
“I see. You must have had a very good reason…”
“You know,” she said. “The way things go.”
“Maybe you could explain that to me in your own words and we could go from there.”
She smirked at him. “You know, you’re such a sneak sometimes. This is more of that Get it out there where we can look at it!”
“Guilty as charged. Got an A-plus in Sneaky 101. So?”
“Things just don’t work out the best sometimes, you know? Me and my mom were real happy, then Dad came along. We were all real happy. Then my mom died and Dad sent me to Stu. He said he had to and didn’t want to, but that didn’t make it easy. Then Stu sent me back. Then Stu tricked me at Christmas and almost gave me a f**king nervous breakdown… Sorry. About the swearing.”
“Courtney, you can swear your head off in here. As much as you want. I’m not here to judge. Go on.”
“So then I’m back with Dad and what’s the first thing we have to think about? How about Kelly? Let’s let Kelly come into the family!”
“Don’t you like Kelly?”
“She’s all right. She’s even nice, sort of. She can be funny. I like her sister better but her sister is hooked up to Colin, who I also like. It’s not that I don’t like her.”
“Then what is it?”
“What if they get married and something happens? What if Dad dies, then Kelly has me, then Kelly gives me back to Stu, then Stu gives me back to Kelly, then Kelly finds some guy to marry and she dies and so on? Huh? You think I feel like doing all that again?”
“Apparently it’s the uncertainty of the future that bothers you most. Frightens you.”
“Duh,” she said.
“Maybe you should talk to your dad about this.”
“What’s he going to say? That he’s not going to die? He can! I think it’s better if it’s just us. Me and him. We don’t need anyone else.”
Jerry waited it out, like he was expecting her to say something more. Finally he said, “But you do. Courtney, you do need other people. And right now, one of the things you need to know is what plans your dad has for you if anything should happen to him. Not only is there a possible new woman in your future, but your dad also has family in Idaho. Family you like. As for Kelly, she has family you like. Why don’t you try to get some of these questions answered before you put this kind of pressure on yourself?”
“What pressure? It’s no pressure on me! If he wasn’t sad, I wouldn’t be sad!”
“But that’s where you’re wrong—this situation that you’ve outlined, just you and him and the rest of the world stay away—this puts an enormous burden on you. You’re fourteen and a half, almost fifteen. Very soon there’s going to be a boyfriend if there isn’t already, and he’s only going to be the first boyfriend. You’re going to get older, spread your wings, go to college, travel the world, find new boyfriends and more best female friends. In a few years, about three and a half, you’re not going to be living with your dad every day, every night. You’re probably going to be living in a dorm or apartment with girlfriends. You’re going to fall in love. You might fall in love more than once. You might go back to your dad’s now and then, maybe even for long stretches like a couple of months at a time. But it’s your job to build a life outside of your dad’s house. And then you’re going to want to bring some of that life back to him to share—like your boyfriend, your fiancé, your husband and children…”
“That is not happening anytime soon!”
“Sooner than you think. What about your dad? Don’t you worry that he’ll be lonely when you start to spread your wings?”
“We can worry about that later…”
“I see. Well, just so you know, they don’t allow fathers to live in sorority houses with their daughters.”
“Funny. You’re so funny…”
“Courtney, you’re not only asking him to remain lonely and sad so that you can feel safe, but you’re asking yourself to keep all the important people of your future away so you can dedicate yourself to him so you can feel safe. And you’ll be lonely.” Jerry shook his head. “That’s the hard way.”
“Then what’s the easy way?”
“Tell your dad you’ve been stressed out about your future, about where you would go and what you would do if anything should happen to him. Talk it out.”
“He’ll just say—”
“Lief Holbrook lost a young wife in a completely tragic and unpredictable brain hemorrhage. He is not going to say it can’t happen.” Jerry paused. “And if there’s the slightest worry that you might be a little afraid of getting attached to someone like Kelly and losing her somehow, you could talk about that, as well.”
She just shrugged. And gave a little sniff, though she wasn’t going to cry.
“You’re not unique, you know,” Jerry said. “It’s not even a teenage thing, Courtney. It’s a very normal, human frailty we all have, to be afraid someone we love could be taken from us. And the reality is, eventually we all suffer loss. It’s a sad fact of life. There is no way to stop it, really. But there is a way to prepare for it…”
“Let me guess,” she said sarcastically, feeling a very large rock welled in her throat. “Get it out there where you can look at it.”
“Yes, Courtney, tiresome as you find it. This is what people do to the best of their ability. Not just by talking about their fears and worries, but by being proactive. They have medical checkups, take their vitamins, wear their seat belts, write wills. It really does all begin with talking about it, however. I’d like you to seriously consider that.”
“But see, not everyone goes through it,” she said. “Even if they talk about it, sometimes it never comes,” she said, unable to swallow.
“Yes, Courtney. Everyone goes through it. You can’t name a person who hasn’t or won’t experience loss and grief.”
“How about Amber, huh? The only girl in a family that thinks she’s the princess? I mean, they’re dorky, but really… And she’s too dorky to ever worry about anything. Amber’s life is so calm and easy, even if she does have a lot of chores.”
Jerry lifted a brow. “And doesn’t she also have a little brother or nephew in a wheelchair? With a disease for which there is no known cure?”
“Rory,” she said in a breath. How had Rory not even come to mind? Because even though he was in a wheelchair, he was so cute and funny and crazy, it was easy to forget he might not live past his teenage years. He could, she knew that. Not likely, though. “Well, thanks a lot. Now I feel even worse.”
“When you and your dad understand each other’s feelings, you’re going to feel a lot better. I’m going to see you in a week. If you want to bring your dad along for a little help in talking about this, you’re welcome to do so.”
“Not f**king likely,” she said. Then she tilted her head and smirked at him. “You said I could swear.”
“Absolutely, Courtney. In fact, it’s helpful. When you cut loose like that, I know what things you’re most angry or passionate about.”
