Hold on Tight
Page 45
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He was right. I deserved more.
I pushed him away, and he went without a fight. Closing my eyes, I caught my breath. “I want more. I can’t. I can’t do this with you and have it mean nothing to you. If you’re going to walk away from me, then I can’t do it. I’ll want more. I don’t want a taste of something I can never have.”
I opened my eyes. Dewayne’s hands were tucked in his pockets, and he hung his head as he took deep breaths. He looked defeated. I felt defeated. The young girl inside me who thought Dewayne Falco was my own prince charming was realizing he wasn’t. He was a man. Just like any other.
“I’m sorry, so f**king sorry,” he said, still not looking at me.
This was it. I couldn’t go back inside. Not after he had hauled me out of there like that. I would call Amanda and apologize later. Right now I just wanted to go home.
I didn’t tell him good-bye. I’d see him again soon enough. He would come see Micah. I would pretend like I didn’t feel something for him. I would act as if he hadn’t hurt me. I would deal. I was good at surviving. I could survive this.
Luckily, Amanda had driven to Live Bay with me, so I had my car here. Preston had dropped her off at my house earlier, and she’d helped me get dressed. She wouldn’t need me to give her a ride home. I climbed in my car and turned it toward home. To put on my pajamas and cuddle on the couch with the little boy there who loved me. The one man in my life who I would be enough for. I always had my son.
I was still three miles from home when the car started jerking. This had happened once before and I had managed to crank it back up after it went dead. I just didn’t need it to happen now, on a dark road.
I pulled the car over to the side of the road just as it gave up the struggle. I waited a few minutes and tried starting it up, but it was completely dead. I couldn’t sit here all night. I had to move. Besides, I had walked three miles home before. Maybe not at night, but I had walked three miles.
I grabbed my purse and took my keys with me, then headed the rest of the way home on foot. My feet were going to have blisters after walking three miles in these boots. That was the least of my problems, though. In the morning I had to find a tow truck service I could afford.
DEWAYNE
I didn’t go back inside after she walked away. Instead, I leaned against the wall and laid my head back as her words returned to me in a rush. She wanted more. She wasn’t willing to let me take her and have that be it.
She knew her self-worth. She wasn’t willing to have casual sex. She respected her body. She was f**king perfect. I’d actually told her I didn’t do relationships and that what we were doing was a f**k and nothing more. What kind of sorry motherfucker does that to a woman like Sienna?
Touching her had been . . . God . . . it had been amazing. She smelled even better than I’d imagined. I could still smell her on my hand. It was reminding me of what I wasn’t good enough for. Dancing with her and feeling her body against mine had worked me into a frenzy. One only Sienna Roy could satisfy.
No one in that club appealed to me.
I didn’t dance, but I had held her in my arms, and there I was, dancing with her. Holding her close. Enjoying every minute of it. Then she’d moved against my leg and trembled in my arms, and all I could think of was touching her. Making her come on my hand. Watching her.
I sank down to the ground and sat there. Songs played inside, and I could hear when Jackdown took the stage. The crowd roared, and I closed my eyes and wished like hell I had been stronger. Better.
“You gonna sit out here all night and beat yourself up for whatever the hell you did, or get up and go check on her?”
I opened my eyes to see Rock standing over me.
“She doesn’t want to see me,” I told him.
Rock cocked an eyebrow. “Really? ’Cause the girl I met inside looked at you like you were some angel from heaven. For a minute there I thought you might walk on f**king water and not have told us.”
Normally, a comment like that would’ve made me laugh. But right now I felt sick to my stomach. “She left. I told her all I’d ever be was a one-time f**k, and she said she wanted more. That she deserved more. And she’s right. So I let her go.”
Rock didn’t respond right away. He agreed with her, I was sure. Everyone saw how amazing she was. It was easy to see.
“I’ve known you all my life. And I’ve never seen you treat anyone the way you treat Sienna. Not when we were in high school and not now. She’s your one. The one who reaches you. The one who makes you different.”
“She was Dustin’s,” I said, reminding him that in high school she was never mine. I had protected her when my brother hadn’t. Nothing more.
“No one was ever Dustin’s one. We both know that. I believe Sienna may be the only one who doesn’t know that.”
“Don’t. He loved her. He made mistakes. He was a kid.”
Rock shook his head. “It’s time you faced some things. One of those things is that Dustin never deserved Sienna. You did. You gave her to him. She wanted you, and you handed her to him.”
“She was a kid!” I yelled. I didn’t want to hear this. Dustin had loved that girl. He had since he was little. He’d made some mistakes, but he’d have done anything to protect Sienna.
“Explain Kimmy Bart, then. Make it make sense in your head. Because it never has in mine,” Rock said, then turned and walked away.
I watched him leave. I hated that he had brought up Kimmy Bart. I didn’t want to think about her. I didn’t want to remember what she’d done to my family. The pain she’d caused when we hadn’t needed it.
I pushed him away, and he went without a fight. Closing my eyes, I caught my breath. “I want more. I can’t. I can’t do this with you and have it mean nothing to you. If you’re going to walk away from me, then I can’t do it. I’ll want more. I don’t want a taste of something I can never have.”
I opened my eyes. Dewayne’s hands were tucked in his pockets, and he hung his head as he took deep breaths. He looked defeated. I felt defeated. The young girl inside me who thought Dewayne Falco was my own prince charming was realizing he wasn’t. He was a man. Just like any other.
“I’m sorry, so f**king sorry,” he said, still not looking at me.
This was it. I couldn’t go back inside. Not after he had hauled me out of there like that. I would call Amanda and apologize later. Right now I just wanted to go home.
I didn’t tell him good-bye. I’d see him again soon enough. He would come see Micah. I would pretend like I didn’t feel something for him. I would act as if he hadn’t hurt me. I would deal. I was good at surviving. I could survive this.
Luckily, Amanda had driven to Live Bay with me, so I had my car here. Preston had dropped her off at my house earlier, and she’d helped me get dressed. She wouldn’t need me to give her a ride home. I climbed in my car and turned it toward home. To put on my pajamas and cuddle on the couch with the little boy there who loved me. The one man in my life who I would be enough for. I always had my son.
I was still three miles from home when the car started jerking. This had happened once before and I had managed to crank it back up after it went dead. I just didn’t need it to happen now, on a dark road.
I pulled the car over to the side of the road just as it gave up the struggle. I waited a few minutes and tried starting it up, but it was completely dead. I couldn’t sit here all night. I had to move. Besides, I had walked three miles home before. Maybe not at night, but I had walked three miles.
I grabbed my purse and took my keys with me, then headed the rest of the way home on foot. My feet were going to have blisters after walking three miles in these boots. That was the least of my problems, though. In the morning I had to find a tow truck service I could afford.
DEWAYNE
I didn’t go back inside after she walked away. Instead, I leaned against the wall and laid my head back as her words returned to me in a rush. She wanted more. She wasn’t willing to let me take her and have that be it.
She knew her self-worth. She wasn’t willing to have casual sex. She respected her body. She was f**king perfect. I’d actually told her I didn’t do relationships and that what we were doing was a f**k and nothing more. What kind of sorry motherfucker does that to a woman like Sienna?
Touching her had been . . . God . . . it had been amazing. She smelled even better than I’d imagined. I could still smell her on my hand. It was reminding me of what I wasn’t good enough for. Dancing with her and feeling her body against mine had worked me into a frenzy. One only Sienna Roy could satisfy.
No one in that club appealed to me.
I didn’t dance, but I had held her in my arms, and there I was, dancing with her. Holding her close. Enjoying every minute of it. Then she’d moved against my leg and trembled in my arms, and all I could think of was touching her. Making her come on my hand. Watching her.
I sank down to the ground and sat there. Songs played inside, and I could hear when Jackdown took the stage. The crowd roared, and I closed my eyes and wished like hell I had been stronger. Better.
“You gonna sit out here all night and beat yourself up for whatever the hell you did, or get up and go check on her?”
I opened my eyes to see Rock standing over me.
“She doesn’t want to see me,” I told him.
Rock cocked an eyebrow. “Really? ’Cause the girl I met inside looked at you like you were some angel from heaven. For a minute there I thought you might walk on f**king water and not have told us.”
Normally, a comment like that would’ve made me laugh. But right now I felt sick to my stomach. “She left. I told her all I’d ever be was a one-time f**k, and she said she wanted more. That she deserved more. And she’s right. So I let her go.”
Rock didn’t respond right away. He agreed with her, I was sure. Everyone saw how amazing she was. It was easy to see.
“I’ve known you all my life. And I’ve never seen you treat anyone the way you treat Sienna. Not when we were in high school and not now. She’s your one. The one who reaches you. The one who makes you different.”
“She was Dustin’s,” I said, reminding him that in high school she was never mine. I had protected her when my brother hadn’t. Nothing more.
“No one was ever Dustin’s one. We both know that. I believe Sienna may be the only one who doesn’t know that.”
“Don’t. He loved her. He made mistakes. He was a kid.”
Rock shook his head. “It’s time you faced some things. One of those things is that Dustin never deserved Sienna. You did. You gave her to him. She wanted you, and you handed her to him.”
“She was a kid!” I yelled. I didn’t want to hear this. Dustin had loved that girl. He had since he was little. He’d made some mistakes, but he’d have done anything to protect Sienna.
“Explain Kimmy Bart, then. Make it make sense in your head. Because it never has in mine,” Rock said, then turned and walked away.
I watched him leave. I hated that he had brought up Kimmy Bart. I didn’t want to think about her. I didn’t want to remember what she’d done to my family. The pain she’d caused when we hadn’t needed it.
