“Mekena?” I ask, waggling my brows at him, and he rolls his eyes.
“Dude, she’s hot. But really, let’s be honest. I’m a junior, she’s a freshman—it probably won’t last long. Unlike you and Avs.”
I like that he thinks Avery and I will last. I pray he’s right. But those marks are still screaming in my mind. Flashing at me, telling me something is wrong. Swallowing back the emotion in my throat, I nod. “For sure. I’ll holler.”
“See ya.”
As he veers off from me, I tuck my hands in my pockets to keep away the chill. While yesterday was a nice, hot day, today Old Man Winter has decided to make his debut. I doubt he’ll stay long, but jeez, it’s cold. As I walk, though, the weather doesn’t keep my attention for long, and soon Avery is back, front and center. As she always is. I usually have a plan for everything, but the fact that she has done anything and everything to keep me from seeing the marks on her thighs makes me believe it is a sore subject. One she isn’t going to tell me about freely.
As I turn around the Art building to get to the coffee shop, I can’t stop thinking about them. I’m remembering all the times she pulled down her shirt or used a blanket to hide behind. Or a pillow, or hell, even me. I mean, all the signs were there, and I never noticed them because I was too hung up on her. All she had to do was look at me, lock me in that gorgeous gaze of hers, and it was like a Mack truck had run me over. I can’t let her do that anymore. I have to know the truth, but it sucks because I know she isn’t going to tell me what happened willingly.
And that isn’t right.
Is it?
Shit.
This is supposed to be easy, great, even. But I’m stressing because I know this is going to put a wedge between us. She already had one hell of a wall put up between us, and I just ignored it. I took what she gave me and I fell. Hard. But now I want the part of her behind the wall, and it turns out it’s a huge fucking wall. Like Great Wall of China huge, and I’m unsure if I can get over that thing.
Not without her help.
And I don’t see her lending a hand.
Walking down the strip, I feel like so much is sitting on my chest. I’m nervous how tomorrow is going to go with my whole family under one roof. I’m worried about Avery and our relationship, and then there’s the fact I have interviews coming up. I’m usually not too concerned with them since I’m amazing and everyone loves me, but they are my future. Plus, everyone is razzing me about breaking my record from last year. That shouldn’t worry me, but what if I don’t? What if I’m declining at nineteen years old? I don’t feel like I’m declining, but shit, could I be?
Man, I need sleep.
I do. I’ve never gone this long without a full night’s sleep. But all I can think is that if my dad does fuck me over, I have to have something to fall back on. I have to study because what if I don’t make the draft because I could be declining. I need to graduate. Shit, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel like everything is a fucking mess?
“Hey, you.”
Coming to a halt in front of Avery to keep from running her over, I feel my eyes go wide and she laughs. Letting out a breath, I say, “Shit, I didn’t even see you.”
She grins jokingly. “Well, thanks!”
I run my hands through my hair. “Sorry, out of it.”
Her brows come together as she looks up at me. I can see her grin falling and worry filling her face. Damn it, I didn’t mean to do that. Shit. I need to get it together, fast.
Before I can say something, who the hell knows what, she says, “Um, yeah, I’d say so since I’ve been standing in front of you for the last minute and you haven’t kissed me.” Wringing her fingers together, she looks up at me through her lashes, unsure of herself. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” I say quickly, taking her face in mine and dropping my mouth to hers. Holding my wrists, she melts under my kiss, and man, it feels good. She feels good. I needed this. I needed her mouth on mine to make me feel normal and not like I’m losing my shit. Pulling away, I lean my head to hers, my eyes closed as I suck in a deep breath. “I needed that.”
She smiles, her eyes searching mine. “You okay?”
I nod, even though it’s not true. I’m the furthest thing from okay, but can I tell her that? What if she has her own shit she’s dealing with? Fuck, why won’t she just let me in! Letting out a breath, I shake my head. “Just a lot on my mind.”
“Wanna share?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I shrug. I wasn’t going to, I wasn’t, but then I’m unloading on her. I let her know about what happened with my family today, and how my mom loves me no matter what, even when I don’t deserve it. I tell her how I’m thinking of distancing myself from my dad, and then I somehow get into the fact that I’m declining in hockey. And when I finish, I swear I sound like a crazy person.
But when I meet her gaze, she isn’t looking at me like I am. She has nothing but concern in her eyes. Genuine concern for me. Clearing my throat, I say, “And then last night is really fucking with me.”
Her brows come together then. “What about last night?”
“I’m worried you only asked me to ask you to be my girlfriend because I kinda almost raped you.”
I know I didn’t, but I want to test the word out. See if it makes her flinch, but it doesn’t. Instead, she’s shaking her head, a grin pulling at her lips. “Jace. Be real. But before we get to that, let’s address everything else,” she says simply, her eyes on me as she laces her fingers with mine. “You aren’t declining, you’re just tired, baby. You are working yourself ragged. Between working, practice, school, and me, you have no time for you. To reboot. You need that.”
She’s right, but when? I have no time.
Before I can tell her that, she goes on, “Your family loves you no matter what and supports you. You said sorry, you owned up to your mistakes. There is nothing else you can do. Just accept it and let it go, or you are gonna drive yourself mad.”
Taking a step toward me, she wraps her arms around my waist, holding my hands with hers as her head falls back to look up at me. “And about last night, you in no way ‘kinda raped me.’ I asked you to ask me last night because I realized that I wanted to be your girlfriend. That we were never in the Javery zone. We were already in a relationship; I was just too scared to label it. And while I still am scared, I don’t want to be anything but your girlfriend.”
“Dude, she’s hot. But really, let’s be honest. I’m a junior, she’s a freshman—it probably won’t last long. Unlike you and Avs.”
I like that he thinks Avery and I will last. I pray he’s right. But those marks are still screaming in my mind. Flashing at me, telling me something is wrong. Swallowing back the emotion in my throat, I nod. “For sure. I’ll holler.”
“See ya.”
As he veers off from me, I tuck my hands in my pockets to keep away the chill. While yesterday was a nice, hot day, today Old Man Winter has decided to make his debut. I doubt he’ll stay long, but jeez, it’s cold. As I walk, though, the weather doesn’t keep my attention for long, and soon Avery is back, front and center. As she always is. I usually have a plan for everything, but the fact that she has done anything and everything to keep me from seeing the marks on her thighs makes me believe it is a sore subject. One she isn’t going to tell me about freely.
As I turn around the Art building to get to the coffee shop, I can’t stop thinking about them. I’m remembering all the times she pulled down her shirt or used a blanket to hide behind. Or a pillow, or hell, even me. I mean, all the signs were there, and I never noticed them because I was too hung up on her. All she had to do was look at me, lock me in that gorgeous gaze of hers, and it was like a Mack truck had run me over. I can’t let her do that anymore. I have to know the truth, but it sucks because I know she isn’t going to tell me what happened willingly.
And that isn’t right.
Is it?
Shit.
This is supposed to be easy, great, even. But I’m stressing because I know this is going to put a wedge between us. She already had one hell of a wall put up between us, and I just ignored it. I took what she gave me and I fell. Hard. But now I want the part of her behind the wall, and it turns out it’s a huge fucking wall. Like Great Wall of China huge, and I’m unsure if I can get over that thing.
Not without her help.
And I don’t see her lending a hand.
Walking down the strip, I feel like so much is sitting on my chest. I’m nervous how tomorrow is going to go with my whole family under one roof. I’m worried about Avery and our relationship, and then there’s the fact I have interviews coming up. I’m usually not too concerned with them since I’m amazing and everyone loves me, but they are my future. Plus, everyone is razzing me about breaking my record from last year. That shouldn’t worry me, but what if I don’t? What if I’m declining at nineteen years old? I don’t feel like I’m declining, but shit, could I be?
Man, I need sleep.
I do. I’ve never gone this long without a full night’s sleep. But all I can think is that if my dad does fuck me over, I have to have something to fall back on. I have to study because what if I don’t make the draft because I could be declining. I need to graduate. Shit, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel like everything is a fucking mess?
“Hey, you.”
Coming to a halt in front of Avery to keep from running her over, I feel my eyes go wide and she laughs. Letting out a breath, I say, “Shit, I didn’t even see you.”
She grins jokingly. “Well, thanks!”
I run my hands through my hair. “Sorry, out of it.”
Her brows come together as she looks up at me. I can see her grin falling and worry filling her face. Damn it, I didn’t mean to do that. Shit. I need to get it together, fast.
Before I can say something, who the hell knows what, she says, “Um, yeah, I’d say so since I’ve been standing in front of you for the last minute and you haven’t kissed me.” Wringing her fingers together, she looks up at me through her lashes, unsure of herself. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” I say quickly, taking her face in mine and dropping my mouth to hers. Holding my wrists, she melts under my kiss, and man, it feels good. She feels good. I needed this. I needed her mouth on mine to make me feel normal and not like I’m losing my shit. Pulling away, I lean my head to hers, my eyes closed as I suck in a deep breath. “I needed that.”
She smiles, her eyes searching mine. “You okay?”
I nod, even though it’s not true. I’m the furthest thing from okay, but can I tell her that? What if she has her own shit she’s dealing with? Fuck, why won’t she just let me in! Letting out a breath, I shake my head. “Just a lot on my mind.”
“Wanna share?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I shrug. I wasn’t going to, I wasn’t, but then I’m unloading on her. I let her know about what happened with my family today, and how my mom loves me no matter what, even when I don’t deserve it. I tell her how I’m thinking of distancing myself from my dad, and then I somehow get into the fact that I’m declining in hockey. And when I finish, I swear I sound like a crazy person.
But when I meet her gaze, she isn’t looking at me like I am. She has nothing but concern in her eyes. Genuine concern for me. Clearing my throat, I say, “And then last night is really fucking with me.”
Her brows come together then. “What about last night?”
“I’m worried you only asked me to ask you to be my girlfriend because I kinda almost raped you.”
I know I didn’t, but I want to test the word out. See if it makes her flinch, but it doesn’t. Instead, she’s shaking her head, a grin pulling at her lips. “Jace. Be real. But before we get to that, let’s address everything else,” she says simply, her eyes on me as she laces her fingers with mine. “You aren’t declining, you’re just tired, baby. You are working yourself ragged. Between working, practice, school, and me, you have no time for you. To reboot. You need that.”
She’s right, but when? I have no time.
Before I can tell her that, she goes on, “Your family loves you no matter what and supports you. You said sorry, you owned up to your mistakes. There is nothing else you can do. Just accept it and let it go, or you are gonna drive yourself mad.”
Taking a step toward me, she wraps her arms around my waist, holding my hands with hers as her head falls back to look up at me. “And about last night, you in no way ‘kinda raped me.’ I asked you to ask me last night because I realized that I wanted to be your girlfriend. That we were never in the Javery zone. We were already in a relationship; I was just too scared to label it. And while I still am scared, I don’t want to be anything but your girlfriend.”
