I stop in front of Jace and his eyes are on me as I nod. “Yeah, I’ll go get them and run them up to your office.”
“Awesome, I’ll go through them this weekend, and we’ll discuss Wednesday. Have a nice trip.”
“Thanks, Stu.” I hang up, nodding to Jace’s leg. “What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be sleeping? Not walking?”
“I drove,” he says, hooking his thumb to where his car is. His body is tense, his eyes dark, and I think he’s mad.
What in the world?
“Are you okay? Are you in pain? You look pissed.”
“I am,” he answers, coming off the car and crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Do you have somewhere to be?”
I nod. “I do, but it can wait. What’s wrong?” I take a step toward him, and when I reach out to touch him, he moves out of my range. My brows come crashing together as I eye him. “Jace?”
“So I talked to Jude today,” he says, his eyes burning into mine. “And he told me that he and Seth talked.”
Oh, fuck.
Just like that, my heart speeds up in my chest and everything goes silent except for the loud crashing of my heart in my ears as I watch him, my eyes wide. Blinking, I clear my throat.
“Okay?” I say, trying to act as if that doesn’t matter, but I know it does. I can see it in his eyes. Seth told Jude, who in return told Jace, which means he knows. Dread is seeping out of my pores, my heart is in my throat, and true fear is in my chest. If I thought my anxiety was bad before, nothing compares to the drowning feeling I have right now. He isn’t happy, I can tell that, but surely he’ll understand.
Won’t he?
“His story was a bit different than the one you told me. And the thing is, you’ve lied to me, Avery. About a lot of stuff.”
Taking a step forward, I hold my hands up. “I didn’t lie. I held back because I didn’t think it mattered.”
His eyes widen. “Avery, you tried to kill yourself,” he bites out. “You told me it ended with the cutting.”
“Well, I mean, it did,” I say, but I know I’m just trying to justify what I told him. “I cut myself to die.”
“Avery! That’s not okay!”
“I know,” I yell, my chest aching from my heart slamming into it. “But Jace, it was bad. Caleb forced me to do it, in a way. You wouldn’t believe the texts he’d send me or the notes he’d leave in my locker, telling me to just kill myself. He tortured me. And Matty just laughed.”
“What?” he asks, incredulously. “I mean, shit, Avery. That’s hard to believe.”
“Because you love your family, and they love you. My brothers hate me. I’m a nuisance—the stick-holder. My own brother, my twin, thought that his best friend taunting me to hurt myself was funny.” My voice breaks and tears flood my eyes. “I had no one to turn to, and I just cracked. I didn’t think I had any way out. Caleb texted me over and over again, ‘Just pick up the knife. Do it. No one loves you.’ And so on and so on. It was horrible. You have to understand why I don’t want to bring it up, why I just want it to disappear. I’m sorry.”
Shaking his head, he looks down at the ground, and I didn’t expect that. I thought he would reach for me, hug me, but he’s not moving. I thought he would understand, get why I hide that part of my life, but it appears he doesn’t. Flabbergasted, I say, “Jace, surely, you get it. Why I wouldn’t want that coming out.”
He looks up, his eyes so dark that they’re scary, and I find myself gasping for breath. “I understand not wanting to tell anyone else, but me? The person you love, or claim to love. Why couldn’t you tell me?” His voice is full of hurt and hardness.
“I do love you,” I wheeze, and I feel like the walls are closing in, his gaze is so hard. “So damn much, but I didn’t want anyone to know about that part of my life.”
He tucks his hands into his pockets, his eyes still holding mine. “I’m not just anyone, Avery. I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought you respected me more than to lie to me.”
I throw my hands up. “I do! And I wouldn’t count that as a lie, Jace. I just held back something horrible ’cause I didn’t think you needed to know. I’m sorry. I really am.”
“But it is something I needed to know. I’d rather hear it from you than my brother. I mean, do you not trust me? I do nothing but support you, help you, and still you hold back.”
“Yes, Jace, I do trust you,” I say, chancing it and taking ahold of his elbows. When he doesn’t flinch or pull back, I’m relieved. “I do, and I’m trying. But that is something that hurts every time I think about it. Caleb tortured me. The things he said, the things he called me… And in the end, when I said, ‘Okay, I’ll do it,’ he said, ‘Good, see ya in hell.’ He didn’t even care. He had no remorse. He didn’t even apologize when it came out. Nothing, and it just hurt, Jace. So damn bad. Because while he didn’t care, neither did my brothers. They called me an attention whore and told my mom I faked the whole thing. But I didn’t. I can still feel the tip of the knife in my skin, dragging down my wrist, and the blood spilling out of me.”
I choke on a sob as I close my eyes, the tears rushing down my cheeks. Swallowing hard, I shake my head. “I don’t want to remember that. I don’t want you to know that part of me. The weak, pathetic excuse for a person who allowed some dude to break her to the point of ending it. I’m sorry, Jace, I really am. But I promise that’s it. There is nothing else to tell.”
He doesn’t say anything and still doesn’t take me into his arms, which confuses me. Why doesn’t he understand? I just put myself completely out there; I admitted to everything. I open my eyes, locking gazes with him as I wipe away tears. “I don’t know what else to say.”
He swallows, his jaw clenching, and my heart sinks because I don’t understand this look. I don’t understand what is happening or why this is happening. Can’t I catch a fucking break? I find the guy of my dreams, and like usual, it all goes to shit because of my family. Or maybe because of me. Maybe it is my fault. Everything.
“I hate that this has happened to you, Avery, I do. I wish I was the first person you met. I wish I was the one who loved you from the beginning, but I wasn’t. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but that’s not the only thing you’ve lied about, Avery. And it’s killing me that you still aren’t acknowledging it.”
“Awesome, I’ll go through them this weekend, and we’ll discuss Wednesday. Have a nice trip.”
“Thanks, Stu.” I hang up, nodding to Jace’s leg. “What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be sleeping? Not walking?”
“I drove,” he says, hooking his thumb to where his car is. His body is tense, his eyes dark, and I think he’s mad.
What in the world?
“Are you okay? Are you in pain? You look pissed.”
“I am,” he answers, coming off the car and crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Do you have somewhere to be?”
I nod. “I do, but it can wait. What’s wrong?” I take a step toward him, and when I reach out to touch him, he moves out of my range. My brows come crashing together as I eye him. “Jace?”
“So I talked to Jude today,” he says, his eyes burning into mine. “And he told me that he and Seth talked.”
Oh, fuck.
Just like that, my heart speeds up in my chest and everything goes silent except for the loud crashing of my heart in my ears as I watch him, my eyes wide. Blinking, I clear my throat.
“Okay?” I say, trying to act as if that doesn’t matter, but I know it does. I can see it in his eyes. Seth told Jude, who in return told Jace, which means he knows. Dread is seeping out of my pores, my heart is in my throat, and true fear is in my chest. If I thought my anxiety was bad before, nothing compares to the drowning feeling I have right now. He isn’t happy, I can tell that, but surely he’ll understand.
Won’t he?
“His story was a bit different than the one you told me. And the thing is, you’ve lied to me, Avery. About a lot of stuff.”
Taking a step forward, I hold my hands up. “I didn’t lie. I held back because I didn’t think it mattered.”
His eyes widen. “Avery, you tried to kill yourself,” he bites out. “You told me it ended with the cutting.”
“Well, I mean, it did,” I say, but I know I’m just trying to justify what I told him. “I cut myself to die.”
“Avery! That’s not okay!”
“I know,” I yell, my chest aching from my heart slamming into it. “But Jace, it was bad. Caleb forced me to do it, in a way. You wouldn’t believe the texts he’d send me or the notes he’d leave in my locker, telling me to just kill myself. He tortured me. And Matty just laughed.”
“What?” he asks, incredulously. “I mean, shit, Avery. That’s hard to believe.”
“Because you love your family, and they love you. My brothers hate me. I’m a nuisance—the stick-holder. My own brother, my twin, thought that his best friend taunting me to hurt myself was funny.” My voice breaks and tears flood my eyes. “I had no one to turn to, and I just cracked. I didn’t think I had any way out. Caleb texted me over and over again, ‘Just pick up the knife. Do it. No one loves you.’ And so on and so on. It was horrible. You have to understand why I don’t want to bring it up, why I just want it to disappear. I’m sorry.”
Shaking his head, he looks down at the ground, and I didn’t expect that. I thought he would reach for me, hug me, but he’s not moving. I thought he would understand, get why I hide that part of my life, but it appears he doesn’t. Flabbergasted, I say, “Jace, surely, you get it. Why I wouldn’t want that coming out.”
He looks up, his eyes so dark that they’re scary, and I find myself gasping for breath. “I understand not wanting to tell anyone else, but me? The person you love, or claim to love. Why couldn’t you tell me?” His voice is full of hurt and hardness.
“I do love you,” I wheeze, and I feel like the walls are closing in, his gaze is so hard. “So damn much, but I didn’t want anyone to know about that part of my life.”
He tucks his hands into his pockets, his eyes still holding mine. “I’m not just anyone, Avery. I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought you respected me more than to lie to me.”
I throw my hands up. “I do! And I wouldn’t count that as a lie, Jace. I just held back something horrible ’cause I didn’t think you needed to know. I’m sorry. I really am.”
“But it is something I needed to know. I’d rather hear it from you than my brother. I mean, do you not trust me? I do nothing but support you, help you, and still you hold back.”
“Yes, Jace, I do trust you,” I say, chancing it and taking ahold of his elbows. When he doesn’t flinch or pull back, I’m relieved. “I do, and I’m trying. But that is something that hurts every time I think about it. Caleb tortured me. The things he said, the things he called me… And in the end, when I said, ‘Okay, I’ll do it,’ he said, ‘Good, see ya in hell.’ He didn’t even care. He had no remorse. He didn’t even apologize when it came out. Nothing, and it just hurt, Jace. So damn bad. Because while he didn’t care, neither did my brothers. They called me an attention whore and told my mom I faked the whole thing. But I didn’t. I can still feel the tip of the knife in my skin, dragging down my wrist, and the blood spilling out of me.”
I choke on a sob as I close my eyes, the tears rushing down my cheeks. Swallowing hard, I shake my head. “I don’t want to remember that. I don’t want you to know that part of me. The weak, pathetic excuse for a person who allowed some dude to break her to the point of ending it. I’m sorry, Jace, I really am. But I promise that’s it. There is nothing else to tell.”
He doesn’t say anything and still doesn’t take me into his arms, which confuses me. Why doesn’t he understand? I just put myself completely out there; I admitted to everything. I open my eyes, locking gazes with him as I wipe away tears. “I don’t know what else to say.”
He swallows, his jaw clenching, and my heart sinks because I don’t understand this look. I don’t understand what is happening or why this is happening. Can’t I catch a fucking break? I find the guy of my dreams, and like usual, it all goes to shit because of my family. Or maybe because of me. Maybe it is my fault. Everything.
“I hate that this has happened to you, Avery, I do. I wish I was the first person you met. I wish I was the one who loved you from the beginning, but I wasn’t. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but that’s not the only thing you’ve lied about, Avery. And it’s killing me that you still aren’t acknowledging it.”
