She closed her eyes and the details came back to her, one after the other as if it had all happened a week ago, instead of a decade ago. She remembered taking the time to shave her legs and blow-dry her hair, even putting on makeup when she noticed how pale she was, how much weight she’d lost. She was planning to go for a walk or to the grocery store. Something, anything, to get out of the apartment and try to start living again.
“You’d been gone on that Reno fire for three weeks and I missed you so much. None of my friends from school understood how hard it was to lose a baby and I knew my mother would probably be too drunk to even know what I was telling her. Or maybe she’d tell me I was lucky to have narrowly escaped becoming a mother.”
She opened her eyes and forced herself to look at him, even though she didn’t know what she’d see on his face.
“I was so lonely, Sam. All I wanted was for you to come back home and hold me. So when I saw on the news that the fire you’d been fighting was out, I was so happy. I couldn’t wait to see you and tell you I was ready to make a fresh start.”
At the time, she’d thought there’d be other babies, a whole crew of boys with his naughty grin, girls with his dark, silky hair. How stupid she’d been. How pathetically hopeful. Pitifully naive.
“But you weren’t at the station, and when I asked Bev where you were, she was beyond embarrassed to have to tell me that you’d gotten back from the fire hours ago.”
She’d hated knowing how sorry the hotshot station administrator had felt for her. Even though Dianna knew there were no secrets on a hotshot crew, it didn’t make it any easier for everyone to know your business. Especially when her business had been falling apart.
“It wasn’t hard to find you guys. You were at—”
“The Bar & Grill,” he said, finishing her sentence in a gruff voice.
She nodded. “I walked into the bar and it was like another world in there. Laughter. Pool sticks hitting balls. Pinball machines beeping.” Her voice cracked. “That was when I saw you, sitting at the bar. I could see you smiling, flirting with the bartender.”
“I wasn’t flirting, Dianna.”
She felt her mouth open in amazement. Was he kidding? Did he think she had amnesia? He hadn’t been home for weeks. And when he was free to come home, he’d chosen to stay away.
“Maybe you weren’t,” she forced herself to concede, “but I couldn’t remember the last time you’d smiled at me like that or leaned in close to me and laughed at something I’d said.”
She angrily wiped away with her knuckles the sudden tears that were blurring her vision.
“You were the first man I ever trusted. When you said ‘I love you,’ I didn’t think you were saying it just to get me into bed.”
“Goddammit, Dianna, you know that’s not why I said it.”
But she wasn’t done yet, wasn’t ready to listen to any of his excuses. “You said you weren’t marrying me because I was pregnant. You promised you’d be there for me forever. You’d convinced me that I was important to you. That’s what made it hurt even more.”
All her life she’d vowed not to let her hopes and dreams get wrapped up in a man. From that moment forward, after leaving the bar, throwing her clothes into the backseat of her car, and driving away from their apartment for the very last time, she hadn’t ever again made the mistake of trusting another man with her heart.
“You let me down, Sam.” She held his gaze. “That’s why I left.”
A knock sounded at the door and it took Sam several seconds to figure out where it was coming from when all he could hear were Dianna’s words spinning around and around inside his head.
The sound came again, accompanied by a voice this time.
“Pizza delivery. Do I have the right room?”
Feeling as if he were sleepwalking, he made his way to the door, gave the kid some money, and took the pizza.
Dropping the steaming box on the scratched-up dresser, he knew he needed to get a grip before he turned around and blasted back at her. But even though some of the things she’d said made sense, even though it didn’t take a genius to see that he hadn’t exactly behaved like a hero when he was a clueless twenty-year-old kid, he wasn’t ready to concede a damn thing.
Not when she thought he’d only wanted to marry her because she was pregnant.
Not when she’d accused him of “doing the right thing,” instead of truly loving her.
If she couldn’t see that he loved her with everything he had back then, he sure as hell wasn’t going to waste his time convincing her now.
“Do you have any idea what it was like to come home to an empty apartment?”
He’d never been able to erase the picture of her thin gold engagement ring lying on the Formica kitchen counter.
She didn’t say anything, just clasped her hands tightly in front of her chest like a shield over her heart.
“You didn’t even leave me a note. You just packed up your things and left. It was like being kicked straight in the gut.”
He’d never believed in love. Not after watching his parents tear each other to shreds his whole life. But he’d believed in her. Until she’d betrayed him by walking out of his life without a word.
“You let me down too, Dianna. So I guess that means we’re even.”
The words were barely out of his mouth when he noticed her shoulders rounding as if the fight had gone out of her. In the dim light of the lone lamp by the bed, her eyes looked haunted, with dark circles beneath them.
She sat down on the edge of the bed, her eyelids at half-mast, and he felt like the world’s biggest bastard for temporarily forgetting what she’d been through in the past twenty-four hours.
First the crash. Then her sister’s Mayday call. Now him railing at her for something that happened long enough ago that he should have been over it already.
“You’re tired,” he said, abruptly changing the subject.
It would be better for both of them if he got out of the small motel room. No question that he needed to walk away, regroup.
“Eat some pizza and get some sleep. You’re going to need the food and rest for our adventure tomorrow. I’ll be back in a bit.”
She didn’t say anything as he walked out of the room, didn’t call his name or ask him to stay. Why the hell would she, he asked himself as he made the short walk down the street to the closest bar.
“You’d been gone on that Reno fire for three weeks and I missed you so much. None of my friends from school understood how hard it was to lose a baby and I knew my mother would probably be too drunk to even know what I was telling her. Or maybe she’d tell me I was lucky to have narrowly escaped becoming a mother.”
She opened her eyes and forced herself to look at him, even though she didn’t know what she’d see on his face.
“I was so lonely, Sam. All I wanted was for you to come back home and hold me. So when I saw on the news that the fire you’d been fighting was out, I was so happy. I couldn’t wait to see you and tell you I was ready to make a fresh start.”
At the time, she’d thought there’d be other babies, a whole crew of boys with his naughty grin, girls with his dark, silky hair. How stupid she’d been. How pathetically hopeful. Pitifully naive.
“But you weren’t at the station, and when I asked Bev where you were, she was beyond embarrassed to have to tell me that you’d gotten back from the fire hours ago.”
She’d hated knowing how sorry the hotshot station administrator had felt for her. Even though Dianna knew there were no secrets on a hotshot crew, it didn’t make it any easier for everyone to know your business. Especially when her business had been falling apart.
“It wasn’t hard to find you guys. You were at—”
“The Bar & Grill,” he said, finishing her sentence in a gruff voice.
She nodded. “I walked into the bar and it was like another world in there. Laughter. Pool sticks hitting balls. Pinball machines beeping.” Her voice cracked. “That was when I saw you, sitting at the bar. I could see you smiling, flirting with the bartender.”
“I wasn’t flirting, Dianna.”
She felt her mouth open in amazement. Was he kidding? Did he think she had amnesia? He hadn’t been home for weeks. And when he was free to come home, he’d chosen to stay away.
“Maybe you weren’t,” she forced herself to concede, “but I couldn’t remember the last time you’d smiled at me like that or leaned in close to me and laughed at something I’d said.”
She angrily wiped away with her knuckles the sudden tears that were blurring her vision.
“You were the first man I ever trusted. When you said ‘I love you,’ I didn’t think you were saying it just to get me into bed.”
“Goddammit, Dianna, you know that’s not why I said it.”
But she wasn’t done yet, wasn’t ready to listen to any of his excuses. “You said you weren’t marrying me because I was pregnant. You promised you’d be there for me forever. You’d convinced me that I was important to you. That’s what made it hurt even more.”
All her life she’d vowed not to let her hopes and dreams get wrapped up in a man. From that moment forward, after leaving the bar, throwing her clothes into the backseat of her car, and driving away from their apartment for the very last time, she hadn’t ever again made the mistake of trusting another man with her heart.
“You let me down, Sam.” She held his gaze. “That’s why I left.”
A knock sounded at the door and it took Sam several seconds to figure out where it was coming from when all he could hear were Dianna’s words spinning around and around inside his head.
The sound came again, accompanied by a voice this time.
“Pizza delivery. Do I have the right room?”
Feeling as if he were sleepwalking, he made his way to the door, gave the kid some money, and took the pizza.
Dropping the steaming box on the scratched-up dresser, he knew he needed to get a grip before he turned around and blasted back at her. But even though some of the things she’d said made sense, even though it didn’t take a genius to see that he hadn’t exactly behaved like a hero when he was a clueless twenty-year-old kid, he wasn’t ready to concede a damn thing.
Not when she thought he’d only wanted to marry her because she was pregnant.
Not when she’d accused him of “doing the right thing,” instead of truly loving her.
If she couldn’t see that he loved her with everything he had back then, he sure as hell wasn’t going to waste his time convincing her now.
“Do you have any idea what it was like to come home to an empty apartment?”
He’d never been able to erase the picture of her thin gold engagement ring lying on the Formica kitchen counter.
She didn’t say anything, just clasped her hands tightly in front of her chest like a shield over her heart.
“You didn’t even leave me a note. You just packed up your things and left. It was like being kicked straight in the gut.”
He’d never believed in love. Not after watching his parents tear each other to shreds his whole life. But he’d believed in her. Until she’d betrayed him by walking out of his life without a word.
“You let me down too, Dianna. So I guess that means we’re even.”
The words were barely out of his mouth when he noticed her shoulders rounding as if the fight had gone out of her. In the dim light of the lone lamp by the bed, her eyes looked haunted, with dark circles beneath them.
She sat down on the edge of the bed, her eyelids at half-mast, and he felt like the world’s biggest bastard for temporarily forgetting what she’d been through in the past twenty-four hours.
First the crash. Then her sister’s Mayday call. Now him railing at her for something that happened long enough ago that he should have been over it already.
“You’re tired,” he said, abruptly changing the subject.
It would be better for both of them if he got out of the small motel room. No question that he needed to walk away, regroup.
“Eat some pizza and get some sleep. You’re going to need the food and rest for our adventure tomorrow. I’ll be back in a bit.”
She didn’t say anything as he walked out of the room, didn’t call his name or ask him to stay. Why the hell would she, he asked himself as he made the short walk down the street to the closest bar.
