How to Ruin My Teenage Life
Page 15

Umm... "I'm not a rule kind of person."
"What's his name?"
"Ron... Ron Barak."
My mouth opens wide as he takes a big red pen and crosses off my dad's name from the list.
"You can't do that!" I say, totally upset now. I paid thirty-five dollars to sign my dad up for the speed dating night. Okay, to be completely honest Maria paid and I'm working it off. It's a little side business arrangement I made with her.
Maria takes a seat next to Larry and makes her lips all pouty. "Is there any way you could help her out?" The guy shrugs. "What do you want me to do?" Maria looks to me for an answer.
"Let me go on the dates in my dad's place." I admit it isn't the most brilliant idea, but it does have potential. If I could find the perfect woman for him, screen her personally...
Before the guy comes to his senses, I pull a nametag and scorecard off the table.
"Women, please sit at your assigned places. Men, you'll go around to each woman, marking off either a 'yes' or a 'no' on the card. Women, you'll do the same for the men. Just write their number on your card and mark it with a yes' or 'no.' If you get two matching 'yes' marks, we'll e-mail you each other's contact information. Everyone got it?"
Nope. But I can't say anything because I'll be kicked out of this ridiculous shenanigan. Right now I'm not blaming my dad. I'm so nervous, as if I'm going to be judged for my looks and brains and...
"Start!"
I head to the only open seat in the place. I'm sitting across from a woman with the name Dru on her nametag. She looks really confused. It takes me a minute to explain myself. "Hi, I'm Amy. My dad was supposed to be here, but couldn't make it. Well, actually he didn't want to come. It's kind of a long story, but ultimately I'm looking for a wife for my dad. What kinds of qualifications do you--"
"Switch!"
Before I finish my question, I'm being rushed out of the chair. I take another empty seat and find myself across from another single, confused woman. She's looking a little old to be set up with my dad, and her gray roots need to be touched up. "How old are you?" I ask.
"Forty."
"Have you tried nighttime moisturizing face cream?"
"I beg your pardon? This is a speed dating function, not a cosmetic consultation."
"I know. I'm trying to find a woman for my dad, but--" Oops, the lady is raising her hand, getting the attention of the organizers. I crane my neck to find Maria deep in conversation with a guy at the other end of the bar. At least one of us is having luck tonight. "Switch!"
Larry stands over my chair. "Miss, you can't be here. This is a private function for adults only."
I stand up, defeated. "I'm going, I'm going," I say, then give a little wave to Maria and head outside.
In our condo, my dad is sitting at his desk, working.
"I'll have you know I went on two three-minute dates or you.
"How were they?"
"Terrible. You know how they say there's a pot for every lid? I think you've got a pot in the shape of a trapezoid."
"Is that bad?" he asks.
To be honest, the jury's out on that one. Being unique and different is good. But I suspect there's a fine line between being unique and needing major therapy.
16
***
Some people will think differently of me because I'm Jewish. Some people will call me names because I'm Jewish. Some people will hate me because I'm Jewish. Should I ignore them or confront them?
***
Before school the next day, I spot Mitch by his locker.
"You don't break up with someone right before the Valentine's Dance," I tell him. "It's rude."
He furrows his bushy eyebrows, which at one time I thought made him look rugged and adorable. "What do you want me to say?" he says, then closes his locker and walks away from me.
Why can girls be strong enough to confront boys with issues, but boys can't do the same? They make asinine statements and run away. I'm going to make a generalized statement about boys, so brace yourself: Boys have an aversion to confrontation. (And commitment, but that's a whole different story.)
But I am persistent. Catching up with Mitch, I tap him on the back and say as we're walking, "You hurt Jessica. That wasn't cool."
Mitch stops, but his curly hair is still bouncing up and down on his head. "Lay off, Amy. I liked you, then I stopped liking you and fell for Jessica. Now I like someone else."
"Can't you commit to someone?"
"Yeah, while I like 'em. When it's over, it's done. I'm a teenage guy. I can afford to be picky."
I want to slap him.
While I'm still contemplating his egotistic statement, he leaves me in the hallway standing amongst the student body. How many of these teens are picky? Nathan told Maria I don't like him because he wears old clothes and has glasses.
That's not why.
I have the sudden urge to share with Nathan why I hate him. It's not that I'm picky, or rude, or think of myself as too good to be friends with him.
"Earth to Amy."
I blink out of my daydreaming. Cami and Raine are standing in front of me, waving their arms in front of my face. "Welcome back to reality," Cami says, laughing.
"What's on the menu for lunch?" I ask, trying to forget about Mitch and what he just told me. Besides, on Mondays sometimes they surprise us with Uno's pizza. (Another high carb food, I know... but just as worth it as sushi.)
"Forget lunch. Tell us about that Nathan guy and you going to the Valentine's Dance. Everyone's talking about it, if you haven't noticed. They're saying you've gone geek on us. First you kiss the guy in the lunchroom and then you sit at Miranda's table. What's gotten into you?"
I think about how cool Miranda was after I was rude and how quickly she took my apology without making me feel bad. She could have bitched me out, but she didn't. "Miranda's not so bad."
Raine puts her manicured hands up. "She smells like Swiss cheese, Amy. You'd think that big Jewish honker of hers would notice it."
And there it is. My first time since going through conversion someone saying a derogatory remark to me about Jews. More than derogatory. Racist, really. My heart is pounding faster and I feel my throat start to constrict. I'm getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"I'm Jewish," I say, ready to defend my people even if it costs me popularity-wise. And let me tell you, being unpopular at Chicago Academy is like being a lone rabbit surrounded by a roomful of hunting dogs. Or wolves.
"Yeah, but not really. You're only half Jewish," Raine says, not getting it.
Eww. Half. Like I can never be whole because my mom isn't Jewish? Wrong. "Um, I gotta disagree with you there, Raine. I'm all Jew. If you want to start throwing around Jewish jokes or insults, it's not gonna fly with me."
Raine looks like she's smelling some bad cheese right about now. "Lighten up, Amy."
"Don't tell me to lighten up when you insult my people," I say.
"I insulted Miranda Cohen, Amy. Not you. Not the entire Jewish population ox your people. Geez," she says, then rolls her eyes.
I desperately want to walk away, to back down and remove myself from the situation like Mitch did to me. But I don't. Because I want Raine to know, or anyone else who wants to fling around Jewish insults, that it's not okay. It hurts. I can't even describe how much her words cut right through me, even though I know she doesn't realize it.
My heartbeat somewhat gets back to normal when Raine turns and walks away in a huff.
I turn to Cami, who's pretending to check in her book bag for something. I can tell she's just shuffling around stuff. "I'm not mad at you," I tell Cami.
Cami looks up. "That was intense."
"It wasn't meant to be."
So now we're just standing here and I have to say something to break the silence. "You headed for the cafeteria?"
Cami hesitates before saying, "Nope. I have to go to the Resource Lab first. I'll meet up with you later."
Yeah, sure. "Whatever," I say, as if I don't care.
Walking into the cafeteria, I survey my surroundings. Raine is already here; she's talking with a couple of other girls with their heads together in obvious gossip-mode. Did I say gossip was underrated? Well, now that I'm on the other end of the Gossip Trail I'm not so happy about it. Payback sucks.
I'm standing in line, picking out food. Yesterday was a disaster with Nathan's kiss. Now Raine is gossiping about me being Jewish. I'm sure she's twisting the story around to make me look bad. I'm determined to avoid drawing attention to myself.
Oh, no. Nathan just walked in the room. He's about six people behind me in the cafeteria line. He's talking to Kyle. Better to know where he is so I'm not given another surprise kiss without being prepared for it.
Today I don't take a salad, especially because the lunchroom lady Gladys is watching me like a hawk. I order a turkey sandwich on sourdough bread, freshly made at the deli counter, and scan the lunchroom tables.
Here's where life gets tricky.
The lunchroom. Where the students classify and separate themselves like little granola clusters. Usually I'm attached to Jessica. Wherever she sits, I sit. Right now she's at the condiment counter, squirting ketchup into a little white cup for her fries. She has no clue Raine is talking about how she made fun of Miranda's Jewish nose.
Miranda is sitting with her usual cluster. They are not all Jewish. The thing they have in common is they all need fashion advice. They're also straight A students. Miranda waves over to me, and I wave back. She probably thinks I'm going to sit at her table like yesterday.
Jess sits in Raines cluster before I can get her attention.
Looking back, Nathan is at the cashier about to pay for his two slices of pizza and bottle of Arizona Iced Tea.
Okay, time to make a decision. Cluster with Jessica and Raine, where I usually sit. Or sit with Miranda and her friends again. No time to dawdle, Amy. Popular girls don't dawdle.
As if I'm a programmed robot, I sit with my usual friends. I feel like a traitor, although when I glance over at Miranda, she's in a heated conversation with someone else and doesn't even notice I've chosen the popular girls who know what DKNY means, instead of her table, where they're probably discussing E=MC 2 .
When I take a seat next to Jessica, the table gets super quiet. Jess is confused.
"So, what's with you and the new guy Nathan?" Roxanne asks with a snicker. "You two put on a pretty good show yesterday. Any chance for a repeat performance?"
I take a bite of my turkey sandwich so I don't have to answer right away. I need time to think of a response, although I'm usually quick-witted.
Just as I'm swallowing my first bite, I hear Nathan's voice behind me. "Can I squeeze in?"
I look up at Nathan and want to say "No" because everyone is expecting us to start making out. Why doesn't he go sit with Kyle and his buddies? Or with the geeks at the geek table?
Jessica makes everyone move down so he can sit next to me. Ugh, all eyes are on us. I do want to talk to Nathan, but in private without being surrounded and stared at by the cluster.
"So, I hear you guys are going to the Valentine's Dance," Roxanne says, her beady eyes focusing on my reaction. "Are you two, like, dating?"
I feel like the entire lunchroom is listening to my response.