I slam my palms against the desk and snarl across it, Dont you think I would if I could! Do you think I liked looking all sissified in front of your whole fecking club? In front of you? You stupid fecking stupid fecker! What were you doing outside that wall anyway! Why did you have to be right there in that exact spot when we came out? I mean, who has that kind of crap luck? Ever since I started to hang with you, my life has been a total fecking nightmare! Couldnt you just stay dead?
He slams his hands down on the desk so hard it cracks down the middle. Not. Convincing. Me.
I glare through my tears. Not trying to! I dont convince nobody of nothing. You take me or leave me just the way I am! But I aint changing for you or nobody else and I aint faking either, and if you think breaking my bones one by one is going to accomplish a thing besides, like, breaking my bones, good luck with that!
Im sobbing now and dont have any clue why. Just that it feels like ever since I came out of the wall with the Crimson Hag and watched it kill Barrons and Ryodan, Ive been all trussed up in one great big painful knot, and the second I looked at him and realized he was alive, really, truly alive, and I wasnt going to have to walk around for the rest of my life with his death on my head, never seeing his smug-ass smile again, that knot relaxed, and when it let go, everything in me came apart and my whole self heaved a sigh of relief and somewhere I guess I got a well of tears in me, like maybe everybody has a certain allotment of them and if you never let them out, the second a single one sneaks out, it opens a floodgate and you cant shut it again. Why doesnt anyone ever tell me the rules of life? If Id known it worked this way, I would have taken myself off somewhere private and cried until Id use up my quota! This is worse than getting off on the wrong foot when Im freeze-framing. This is emotional careening with no control.
I look at him and I think, Crimeny, if only Alina could have stood back up from what I did to her. Mac could have had her sister back. And I wouldnt have to walk around all the time, every single minute of every single day, hating myself because even though Im pretty sure Ro did something to me that night that made me some kind of automaton that didnt have a will of her own, I was there. I was there! I led her to the spot where she died by lying to her and telling her I had something really important to show her and Im just a kid so she trusted me! I stood in that alley and I watched Macs sister get killed by Fae that I could have stopped with one flick of my sword and I can never undo it and I can never scrape it out from behind my eyes. Its seared into my soul for the rest of my life, if Ive even got one after all the shit Ive done!
I hurt Mac worse than anything in her life ever did and I can never undo it.
Still theres a silver lining to this cloud: if Ryodan isnt dead, Barrons isnt either. At least Mac still has Barrons.
You killed Macs sister, Ryodan says. Ill be damned.
I didnt say that. Stay the feck out of my head!
Hes across the desk and practically on top of me. He shoves me back against the wall, clamps my head between his hands and forces me to look up at him. How did you feel when you thought youd killed me.
Hes looking in my eyes like he doesnt need me to answer, just think it. I try to double over so he cant poke around in my thoughts but he wont let me. Hes holding me firm, but almost gentle now. I hate gentle from him. I prefer fighting. I know exactly where we stand then.
Answer me.
I dont answer him. Im never going to answer him. I hate him. Because when I thought Id killed him, I felt more alone than Ive felt in a long time. Like I couldnt stand walking through this city knowing he wasnt in it. Like somehow, as long as he was out there somewhere, if I was ever really in trouble, I knew where I could go and while maybe he wouldnt do exactly what I wanted him to do, hed keep me alive. Hed get me through whatever it was to live another day. I think thats the kind of feeling you get from parents when youre a kid, if youre lucky. I didnt get that feeling. I curled in a cage and every time she put on her perfume and makeup and hummed while she got dressed, I worried that she was going to kill me this time by forgetting me. I hoped her new boyfriend would suck so shed come home sooner. I know that no matter what fecked-up things Ryodan does, hell never forget me. Hes meticulous. Theres a lot to be said for detail-oriented. Least in my world there is. Especially when Im one of the details.
I cant look away. How the heck is he alive? I feel like hes stirring around in my brain. Watching the light go out of his cool, clear eyes in the alley behind BB&B had just about slayed me. I missed him. I bloody fecking missed him.
Ryodan says real soft, Disappointed or loyal.
I got no intention of dying. Loyal, I say.
He lets me go and walks away. I slump down the wall, scrubbing tears from my face. I hurt everywhere, face, hands, chest, ribs. But youre going to have to
Do not try to barter with me right now.
But its not fair that I
Life isnt.
But I cant stand working every night!
Deal with it.
Youre making me nuts! A person needs some time off!
He slams his hands down on the desk so hard it cracks down the middle. Not. Convincing. Me.
I glare through my tears. Not trying to! I dont convince nobody of nothing. You take me or leave me just the way I am! But I aint changing for you or nobody else and I aint faking either, and if you think breaking my bones one by one is going to accomplish a thing besides, like, breaking my bones, good luck with that!
Im sobbing now and dont have any clue why. Just that it feels like ever since I came out of the wall with the Crimson Hag and watched it kill Barrons and Ryodan, Ive been all trussed up in one great big painful knot, and the second I looked at him and realized he was alive, really, truly alive, and I wasnt going to have to walk around for the rest of my life with his death on my head, never seeing his smug-ass smile again, that knot relaxed, and when it let go, everything in me came apart and my whole self heaved a sigh of relief and somewhere I guess I got a well of tears in me, like maybe everybody has a certain allotment of them and if you never let them out, the second a single one sneaks out, it opens a floodgate and you cant shut it again. Why doesnt anyone ever tell me the rules of life? If Id known it worked this way, I would have taken myself off somewhere private and cried until Id use up my quota! This is worse than getting off on the wrong foot when Im freeze-framing. This is emotional careening with no control.
I look at him and I think, Crimeny, if only Alina could have stood back up from what I did to her. Mac could have had her sister back. And I wouldnt have to walk around all the time, every single minute of every single day, hating myself because even though Im pretty sure Ro did something to me that night that made me some kind of automaton that didnt have a will of her own, I was there. I was there! I led her to the spot where she died by lying to her and telling her I had something really important to show her and Im just a kid so she trusted me! I stood in that alley and I watched Macs sister get killed by Fae that I could have stopped with one flick of my sword and I can never undo it and I can never scrape it out from behind my eyes. Its seared into my soul for the rest of my life, if Ive even got one after all the shit Ive done!
I hurt Mac worse than anything in her life ever did and I can never undo it.
Still theres a silver lining to this cloud: if Ryodan isnt dead, Barrons isnt either. At least Mac still has Barrons.
You killed Macs sister, Ryodan says. Ill be damned.
I didnt say that. Stay the feck out of my head!
Hes across the desk and practically on top of me. He shoves me back against the wall, clamps my head between his hands and forces me to look up at him. How did you feel when you thought youd killed me.
Hes looking in my eyes like he doesnt need me to answer, just think it. I try to double over so he cant poke around in my thoughts but he wont let me. Hes holding me firm, but almost gentle now. I hate gentle from him. I prefer fighting. I know exactly where we stand then.
Answer me.
I dont answer him. Im never going to answer him. I hate him. Because when I thought Id killed him, I felt more alone than Ive felt in a long time. Like I couldnt stand walking through this city knowing he wasnt in it. Like somehow, as long as he was out there somewhere, if I was ever really in trouble, I knew where I could go and while maybe he wouldnt do exactly what I wanted him to do, hed keep me alive. Hed get me through whatever it was to live another day. I think thats the kind of feeling you get from parents when youre a kid, if youre lucky. I didnt get that feeling. I curled in a cage and every time she put on her perfume and makeup and hummed while she got dressed, I worried that she was going to kill me this time by forgetting me. I hoped her new boyfriend would suck so shed come home sooner. I know that no matter what fecked-up things Ryodan does, hell never forget me. Hes meticulous. Theres a lot to be said for detail-oriented. Least in my world there is. Especially when Im one of the details.
I cant look away. How the heck is he alive? I feel like hes stirring around in my brain. Watching the light go out of his cool, clear eyes in the alley behind BB&B had just about slayed me. I missed him. I bloody fecking missed him.
Ryodan says real soft, Disappointed or loyal.
I got no intention of dying. Loyal, I say.
He lets me go and walks away. I slump down the wall, scrubbing tears from my face. I hurt everywhere, face, hands, chest, ribs. But youre going to have to
Do not try to barter with me right now.
But its not fair that I
Life isnt.
But I cant stand working every night!
Deal with it.
Youre making me nuts! A person needs some time off!
