Looking at myself in the mirror this morning, I looked even worse for wear than yesterday. I had horrible bags under my eyes, and my eyes were bloodshot and rimmed with more tears. I always looked like a blowfish when I cried, and it usually took a whole day to look semi normal again.
I washed my face, made a half assed attempt at make-up, brushed my hair, and dressed in black tights and a red tight long-sleeve top. I don’t know why I decided on that outfit. Well, in the far depths of my mind I knew it had something to do with Christy wearing her own tight fitting outfit yesterday that made me want to flaunt my own figure, but I didn’t want to admit she got inside my head like that. Even though she did. Fuck, I hated denial.
I turned side on in front of the mirror. Thank God all that food yesterday hadn’t made me bloat… too bad, anyway. What was one bad day of eating? But damn, that pizza was so good. And the Chinese. Hmm, I could go for Chinese again right now.
I grabbed the car key and my purse and walked out of my room, locking it behind me. Then I turned and headed to the parking lot, all the while dribbling at the thought of having another naughty day of eating something fatty. When I looked up at where my car was, I abruptly came to a halt. My mouth dropped open in shock. My car wasn’t there. I looked around, expecting to have misplaced the memory of where I’d parked my car, but I didn’t.
“FUCK!” I screeched out, not giving a shit if anyone was around to hear it. Of all the fucking things that could happen to me… Cursing under my breath, I stalked up and down the street for a good solid half hour, looking at every car I found parked, but none of them was mine.
A headache came on as I hurried back to my motel room. I pulled out my phone and called the local police to file a report that my car was stolen. Well, technically it wasn’t my car. Of course it couldn’t be easy. I had to give them Daniel’s number, and then I was told to tell him to call as well to confirm he’d allowed me to borrow his car. Then I had to provide every fucking detail of the brand new BMW SUV I’d parked in a dodgy part of town. Fucking lovely.
Getting off the phone with them after the half hour ordeal of answering every damn question they could throw at me, I rang Daniel’s work office knowing he’d already started work. It was the fastest way to reach him since he usually put his phone on silent during the day. Daniel let me know he’d told the replacement secretary to put me through no matter the time of day. It was a sweet gesture, but I hated having to ruin it with this awful news.
“Hey you.” He sounded happy and upbeat, and I envisioned him kicking back in his leather chair with his feet propped on his desk and that goofy wide grin of his that could make any girl malleable in his hands.
“Hey,” I hesitantly responded. “How are you?”
“You sound upset. Again. Fuck, I really need to go down there–”
“No, I’m not upset by anything here,” I lied, but he didn’t need to know the truth to that one. “I have some really bad news. Like the kind of news you’re going to kill me over.”
He was silent a long moment, and then asked, “What’s wrong, babe?”
“Are you going to hate me?”
“Jeez, you’re freaking me out. What’s happened?”
Looking blankly ahead at the busy street, I sighed and whispered, “Your car’s been stolen.”
“What? I didn’t hear you.”
“Your car’s been–”
“Speak up, Sara!”
“Your car’s been stolen!” I shouted feeling my heart rate increase. “I don’t know what happened. I parked it fine, but okay, yeah, I’m not in the most spectacular bit of town, so it’s my fault, I guess, but fuck, I didn’t think it would get stolen. I called the police, but they sounded so disinterested, demanding you call them to confirm you let me borrow the car and I’m freaking–”
“Calm down,” he interrupted, sternly. I immediately shut my mouth tightly, and waited for him to curse me out for losing his BMW. “Fuck sake, I thought you were going to tell me something serious.” He actually sounded… relieved?
“What?”
“Thought you were going to say you weren’t coming back or something just as bad. Fuck, you scared me, booty call.”
My lips curled up and my eyebrows bunched in confusion. A “what the fuck” expression formed as I tried to digest his answer. “You’re not… mad? Your SUV’s gone, Daniel. I have to inconvenience you now by making you contact your insurance company and the police–”
“It’s just a car. Shit happens, Sara. Relax. Why the hell would I blame you for the theft of a car? Unless you hired a bunch of criminals to steal a car that I’ve lent for you to use to get around a town you have no desire to get around in, I can’t really see how this could be pinned on you. I’ve got other cars. My wallet’s thick, babe. The real problem is how are you going to get around now?”
I shrugged (not that he could see it), not having thought of that due to being too busy freaking the hell out about his reaction to the news. “I’ll use the bus or something.”
“Fuck that, no way. Aren’t there any car hires?”
“I’m good with bus transportation–”
“I’ll send you some money so you can rent a car, alright?”
“I don’t want your money, Daniel. Don’t you dare! Look, I’ll let you know if I need any help with anything. I have the skip hired out for tomorrow. I’ve got a guy coming around Friday afternoon to pick up the furniture. All I need to do is to sort through what needs to be thrown away and the clothes that need to be donated. It’s really not that much. I won’t need to drive around, you know? I’ll use the bus. It’s literally a stone’s throw away.”
“Yeah, fine.” Ugh. He was pretending to agree. I knew him too well. “Be careful. You’re in a dodgy part of town, I’d like for you to check into a not so dodgy part of town. Don’t want any bikers on your back. Can you do that at least? Get a damn good hotel room. Promise me.”
“Okay, I promise.”
“Alright. Look, I gotta go. I’ve got a meeting in five minutes. Send me the police number to my phone and I’ll get onto that and sort through the other shit.”
“Okay.”
He exhaled sharply. “I really miss you, Sara.”
I smiled. “I miss you too.”
“Keep in touch today.”
“I will.”
“Bye, babe.”
“Bye.” I hung up and sighed in relief. That guy was too good to me. That realization sent a shard of glass through my chest. I wouldn’t fuck that up again.
As I looked up the bus routes on my phone, I suddenly wondered how Daniel knew I was in a dodgy part of town. Logic told me it was because his car was stolen, so it must have been pretty dodgy. But then he mentioned bikers, and he’d never been to Gosnells before. I never recalled telling him about the bikies here. Hmm, I’ll have to ask him about that.
I headed to the nearest stop. There was an extra bite in the chilly air that had me zipping up my black long coat. The sun was hidden behind large, dark clouds, and the wind had picked up, whipping through my hair and tangling it into a million little knots and reminding me why I hated November.
I checked my bank account balance as I waited for the bus and groaned in irritation at the extra six hundred dollars Daniel must have immediately placed right after the call. He’d done this. Often. When he thought I was going without, or if a bill was unpaid and the third warning had come into the mail, he had the tendency to drop a few hundred into my account. Of course I didn’t accept his money, and it became a game of ping pong. I’d return the money, and he’d resend it. The bank was so used to his money dropping, the transactions had become instant.
On the bus on route to my old neighbourhood, Lucinda texted: I have two hair appointments to get around to, but I should be home by 5. Chinese for dinner?
I texted back. I’ll be there around 5:30. Chinese sounds great. I’ll buy it.
*****
My mother didn’t have a big wardrobe, but what was in her closet was very nice and chic – definitely a far cry from the ratty, baggy shirts she used to wear. I couldn’t help but breathe in every top of hers, taking in the familiar scent that I’d known so well to be hers. Despite her alcoholism, the scent had always lingered on her skin, around her collarbone and neck, and the few times she’d cradled me into her arms as a child, I’d taken comfort in that smell.
I packed all the clothes into bags and set them on the floor of the living room beside the front door. Then I emptied the cupboards in the kitchen and packed them into boxes, setting them beside the clothes. My mom wasn’t big on clutter, I quickly realized. There wasn’t much around that was garbage worthy. She had only kept what she needed and used. I was seeing so much of this new her as I packed away her things. She loved scented candles and anything strong on aromas. The bathroom cupboards were overflowing with shower gels, shampoos, facial masks and creams. She’d really worked hard on her appearance, but I hadn’t crossed any photos of her to know if her appearance had changed. I imagined it did, though.
Why hadn’t she reached out to me when she had evidently gotten better and back on track with life? Did she really hate me so much, like him? What had I done to have grown up around that kind of loathing? I figured I didn’t need any more emotional problems in my life. I had enough with Jaxon and all. God, that guy only got sexier as he aged. Unlike me. “Some people hit their peak young, I guess.” I violently threw another bag in the pile by the door when I thought about that cruel line he’d used, in that cruel tone of his. Asshole.
Lexi rang me then. Bad timing. I was still fuming. “Hello,” I picked up, panting from the back and forth activity of packing.
“Hey, hot stuff, how are you going today?”
“Yeah, packing away her shit as we speak.”
“How are you feeling?”
“For fuck’s sake, does everyone have to ask me that question every bloody time they talk to me?” I vented out, collapsing onto the couch. I instantly regretted the words. “Shit, sorry. I’m not doing so great, if we’re going to be honest.”
“Your mom’s dead, and you bumped into your ex-boyfriend that you walked out on all those years ago. I don’t blame you for being upset.”
“Do you have to be so blunt about everything?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, since you’re Miss Blunt, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Am I fat?”
“What?” she laughed.
“You heard me. Am I fatter than when you first met me?”
“Did someone call you fat?”
“Just answer the question, and I want your brutal honesty.”
“You’re not fat. Your boobs have gotten bigger, and your hips are a bit wider, but you’re nowhere near fat. You’re healthy and curvy.”
I groaned in disgust. “Fuck, I’m fat, then.”
“You make me sick. Say that around a real fat person, and I bet they’ll clobber your ass to the ground. You’re gorgeous. Now who the fuck said you were fat?”
“Jaxon said I got bigger, and that I hit my peak young.”
“He was obviously trying to hurt your feelings.”
“Well, mission accomplished.”
“Sara, you left him in the worst way possible, and suddenly you’re back in his life and you’re doing well. He’ll say what he can to hurt your progress. Why? Because he’s pissed off at you.”
“He hates me.”
“Yeah, well, he’s entitled to hate you, but he isn’t entitled to make you feel like shit. Do yourself a favour and steer clear from him. I don’t want you getting any more hurt by him.”
Yeah, it was a given that I would steer clear from him, but I knew I was suppressing the side of me that would do anything to see him. Why would I want to torment myself? Maybe I wanted more of his cruelty, you know, as a way to hammer that last nail in the coffin, or some bullshit excuse like that.
By 4:30 in the afternoon, I’d put a huge dent in my progress. I had intentionally left my former bedroom for last. Something about those boxes had me shrinking away in quiet distaste. There were probably some personal things in them that I wasn’t entirely sure I was prepared to face. I decided to leave it for tomorrow.
On the three bus changes to Lucinda’s house, I’d picked up Chinese food near a stop. They were packed tightly in their containers so they’d still be hot and ready when I got there. It was funny even after all these years I remembered what she liked to eat.
Then I walked the three blocks to her gargantuan house, raking my fingers through my frizzy hair before I knocked on the door. It’d started spitting out, and I didn’t want to be caught in the rain on my way back to the motel. I’d have to ask Lucinda to drop me off, which I’m sure she’d be more than willing to do.
My happy smile immediately vanished when Jaxon opened the door.
Fifteen
No words escaped my mouth. I sort of just awkwardly stood there as he looked me up and down, water dripping from his head. Face red and skin moist, he must have just come out of the shower. He was wearing a white long-sleeve slim fit top that hugged every muscle on his upper body. As I gawked at him, I noticed the top button of his jeans was undone, flashing a little bit of his black briefs beneath. I flushed and turned away, hoping that the chill in the air had made my cheeks already red so he wouldn’t notice.
I washed my face, made a half assed attempt at make-up, brushed my hair, and dressed in black tights and a red tight long-sleeve top. I don’t know why I decided on that outfit. Well, in the far depths of my mind I knew it had something to do with Christy wearing her own tight fitting outfit yesterday that made me want to flaunt my own figure, but I didn’t want to admit she got inside my head like that. Even though she did. Fuck, I hated denial.
I turned side on in front of the mirror. Thank God all that food yesterday hadn’t made me bloat… too bad, anyway. What was one bad day of eating? But damn, that pizza was so good. And the Chinese. Hmm, I could go for Chinese again right now.
I grabbed the car key and my purse and walked out of my room, locking it behind me. Then I turned and headed to the parking lot, all the while dribbling at the thought of having another naughty day of eating something fatty. When I looked up at where my car was, I abruptly came to a halt. My mouth dropped open in shock. My car wasn’t there. I looked around, expecting to have misplaced the memory of where I’d parked my car, but I didn’t.
“FUCK!” I screeched out, not giving a shit if anyone was around to hear it. Of all the fucking things that could happen to me… Cursing under my breath, I stalked up and down the street for a good solid half hour, looking at every car I found parked, but none of them was mine.
A headache came on as I hurried back to my motel room. I pulled out my phone and called the local police to file a report that my car was stolen. Well, technically it wasn’t my car. Of course it couldn’t be easy. I had to give them Daniel’s number, and then I was told to tell him to call as well to confirm he’d allowed me to borrow his car. Then I had to provide every fucking detail of the brand new BMW SUV I’d parked in a dodgy part of town. Fucking lovely.
Getting off the phone with them after the half hour ordeal of answering every damn question they could throw at me, I rang Daniel’s work office knowing he’d already started work. It was the fastest way to reach him since he usually put his phone on silent during the day. Daniel let me know he’d told the replacement secretary to put me through no matter the time of day. It was a sweet gesture, but I hated having to ruin it with this awful news.
“Hey you.” He sounded happy and upbeat, and I envisioned him kicking back in his leather chair with his feet propped on his desk and that goofy wide grin of his that could make any girl malleable in his hands.
“Hey,” I hesitantly responded. “How are you?”
“You sound upset. Again. Fuck, I really need to go down there–”
“No, I’m not upset by anything here,” I lied, but he didn’t need to know the truth to that one. “I have some really bad news. Like the kind of news you’re going to kill me over.”
He was silent a long moment, and then asked, “What’s wrong, babe?”
“Are you going to hate me?”
“Jeez, you’re freaking me out. What’s happened?”
Looking blankly ahead at the busy street, I sighed and whispered, “Your car’s been stolen.”
“What? I didn’t hear you.”
“Your car’s been–”
“Speak up, Sara!”
“Your car’s been stolen!” I shouted feeling my heart rate increase. “I don’t know what happened. I parked it fine, but okay, yeah, I’m not in the most spectacular bit of town, so it’s my fault, I guess, but fuck, I didn’t think it would get stolen. I called the police, but they sounded so disinterested, demanding you call them to confirm you let me borrow the car and I’m freaking–”
“Calm down,” he interrupted, sternly. I immediately shut my mouth tightly, and waited for him to curse me out for losing his BMW. “Fuck sake, I thought you were going to tell me something serious.” He actually sounded… relieved?
“What?”
“Thought you were going to say you weren’t coming back or something just as bad. Fuck, you scared me, booty call.”
My lips curled up and my eyebrows bunched in confusion. A “what the fuck” expression formed as I tried to digest his answer. “You’re not… mad? Your SUV’s gone, Daniel. I have to inconvenience you now by making you contact your insurance company and the police–”
“It’s just a car. Shit happens, Sara. Relax. Why the hell would I blame you for the theft of a car? Unless you hired a bunch of criminals to steal a car that I’ve lent for you to use to get around a town you have no desire to get around in, I can’t really see how this could be pinned on you. I’ve got other cars. My wallet’s thick, babe. The real problem is how are you going to get around now?”
I shrugged (not that he could see it), not having thought of that due to being too busy freaking the hell out about his reaction to the news. “I’ll use the bus or something.”
“Fuck that, no way. Aren’t there any car hires?”
“I’m good with bus transportation–”
“I’ll send you some money so you can rent a car, alright?”
“I don’t want your money, Daniel. Don’t you dare! Look, I’ll let you know if I need any help with anything. I have the skip hired out for tomorrow. I’ve got a guy coming around Friday afternoon to pick up the furniture. All I need to do is to sort through what needs to be thrown away and the clothes that need to be donated. It’s really not that much. I won’t need to drive around, you know? I’ll use the bus. It’s literally a stone’s throw away.”
“Yeah, fine.” Ugh. He was pretending to agree. I knew him too well. “Be careful. You’re in a dodgy part of town, I’d like for you to check into a not so dodgy part of town. Don’t want any bikers on your back. Can you do that at least? Get a damn good hotel room. Promise me.”
“Okay, I promise.”
“Alright. Look, I gotta go. I’ve got a meeting in five minutes. Send me the police number to my phone and I’ll get onto that and sort through the other shit.”
“Okay.”
He exhaled sharply. “I really miss you, Sara.”
I smiled. “I miss you too.”
“Keep in touch today.”
“I will.”
“Bye, babe.”
“Bye.” I hung up and sighed in relief. That guy was too good to me. That realization sent a shard of glass through my chest. I wouldn’t fuck that up again.
As I looked up the bus routes on my phone, I suddenly wondered how Daniel knew I was in a dodgy part of town. Logic told me it was because his car was stolen, so it must have been pretty dodgy. But then he mentioned bikers, and he’d never been to Gosnells before. I never recalled telling him about the bikies here. Hmm, I’ll have to ask him about that.
I headed to the nearest stop. There was an extra bite in the chilly air that had me zipping up my black long coat. The sun was hidden behind large, dark clouds, and the wind had picked up, whipping through my hair and tangling it into a million little knots and reminding me why I hated November.
I checked my bank account balance as I waited for the bus and groaned in irritation at the extra six hundred dollars Daniel must have immediately placed right after the call. He’d done this. Often. When he thought I was going without, or if a bill was unpaid and the third warning had come into the mail, he had the tendency to drop a few hundred into my account. Of course I didn’t accept his money, and it became a game of ping pong. I’d return the money, and he’d resend it. The bank was so used to his money dropping, the transactions had become instant.
On the bus on route to my old neighbourhood, Lucinda texted: I have two hair appointments to get around to, but I should be home by 5. Chinese for dinner?
I texted back. I’ll be there around 5:30. Chinese sounds great. I’ll buy it.
*****
My mother didn’t have a big wardrobe, but what was in her closet was very nice and chic – definitely a far cry from the ratty, baggy shirts she used to wear. I couldn’t help but breathe in every top of hers, taking in the familiar scent that I’d known so well to be hers. Despite her alcoholism, the scent had always lingered on her skin, around her collarbone and neck, and the few times she’d cradled me into her arms as a child, I’d taken comfort in that smell.
I packed all the clothes into bags and set them on the floor of the living room beside the front door. Then I emptied the cupboards in the kitchen and packed them into boxes, setting them beside the clothes. My mom wasn’t big on clutter, I quickly realized. There wasn’t much around that was garbage worthy. She had only kept what she needed and used. I was seeing so much of this new her as I packed away her things. She loved scented candles and anything strong on aromas. The bathroom cupboards were overflowing with shower gels, shampoos, facial masks and creams. She’d really worked hard on her appearance, but I hadn’t crossed any photos of her to know if her appearance had changed. I imagined it did, though.
Why hadn’t she reached out to me when she had evidently gotten better and back on track with life? Did she really hate me so much, like him? What had I done to have grown up around that kind of loathing? I figured I didn’t need any more emotional problems in my life. I had enough with Jaxon and all. God, that guy only got sexier as he aged. Unlike me. “Some people hit their peak young, I guess.” I violently threw another bag in the pile by the door when I thought about that cruel line he’d used, in that cruel tone of his. Asshole.
Lexi rang me then. Bad timing. I was still fuming. “Hello,” I picked up, panting from the back and forth activity of packing.
“Hey, hot stuff, how are you going today?”
“Yeah, packing away her shit as we speak.”
“How are you feeling?”
“For fuck’s sake, does everyone have to ask me that question every bloody time they talk to me?” I vented out, collapsing onto the couch. I instantly regretted the words. “Shit, sorry. I’m not doing so great, if we’re going to be honest.”
“Your mom’s dead, and you bumped into your ex-boyfriend that you walked out on all those years ago. I don’t blame you for being upset.”
“Do you have to be so blunt about everything?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, since you’re Miss Blunt, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Am I fat?”
“What?” she laughed.
“You heard me. Am I fatter than when you first met me?”
“Did someone call you fat?”
“Just answer the question, and I want your brutal honesty.”
“You’re not fat. Your boobs have gotten bigger, and your hips are a bit wider, but you’re nowhere near fat. You’re healthy and curvy.”
I groaned in disgust. “Fuck, I’m fat, then.”
“You make me sick. Say that around a real fat person, and I bet they’ll clobber your ass to the ground. You’re gorgeous. Now who the fuck said you were fat?”
“Jaxon said I got bigger, and that I hit my peak young.”
“He was obviously trying to hurt your feelings.”
“Well, mission accomplished.”
“Sara, you left him in the worst way possible, and suddenly you’re back in his life and you’re doing well. He’ll say what he can to hurt your progress. Why? Because he’s pissed off at you.”
“He hates me.”
“Yeah, well, he’s entitled to hate you, but he isn’t entitled to make you feel like shit. Do yourself a favour and steer clear from him. I don’t want you getting any more hurt by him.”
Yeah, it was a given that I would steer clear from him, but I knew I was suppressing the side of me that would do anything to see him. Why would I want to torment myself? Maybe I wanted more of his cruelty, you know, as a way to hammer that last nail in the coffin, or some bullshit excuse like that.
By 4:30 in the afternoon, I’d put a huge dent in my progress. I had intentionally left my former bedroom for last. Something about those boxes had me shrinking away in quiet distaste. There were probably some personal things in them that I wasn’t entirely sure I was prepared to face. I decided to leave it for tomorrow.
On the three bus changes to Lucinda’s house, I’d picked up Chinese food near a stop. They were packed tightly in their containers so they’d still be hot and ready when I got there. It was funny even after all these years I remembered what she liked to eat.
Then I walked the three blocks to her gargantuan house, raking my fingers through my frizzy hair before I knocked on the door. It’d started spitting out, and I didn’t want to be caught in the rain on my way back to the motel. I’d have to ask Lucinda to drop me off, which I’m sure she’d be more than willing to do.
My happy smile immediately vanished when Jaxon opened the door.
Fifteen
No words escaped my mouth. I sort of just awkwardly stood there as he looked me up and down, water dripping from his head. Face red and skin moist, he must have just come out of the shower. He was wearing a white long-sleeve slim fit top that hugged every muscle on his upper body. As I gawked at him, I noticed the top button of his jeans was undone, flashing a little bit of his black briefs beneath. I flushed and turned away, hoping that the chill in the air had made my cheeks already red so he wouldn’t notice.
