“He’s in love with you,” she said, not even bothering to ease into it. “I’ve been watching him for the past few days, and that statement is true whether you want to believe it or not.”
“How do you know?” I wanted, I needed, someone to tell me the truth. The real truth I either couldn’t, or wouldn’t, see.
She contemplated before speaking. “It’s the little things. He’s always around.”
“He feels guilty.”
“He’s considerate of your state: emotional and physical,” she pointed out.
“He doesn’t want me to get worked up.”
“The soft, loving looks and touches,” she countered with more force.
I blinked back a few tears. “I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can put myself out there, give myself to him again. How do I trust him with my heart?”
“Time. He’s offered himself to you on a silver platter as penance.”
Tears slipped down my cheek. “I don’t want it as penance!”
“Oh, Lila,” she said with a sigh, her fingers running over my hair. “He wants you. He wants to love you and take care of you. That’s why he’s doing all of this. For you. He wants you to know him, hear him out. Do that, and then think about it, don’t just react like you have been; think. Then make a decision on what you want to do.”
I sighed before nodding. “Okay. I’ll listen.”
“Good,” she said with a nod. “Now that we have that settled, I wanted to go over the schedule with you.”
“I told him no!” I groaned in frustration.
“And, damn it, I say yes.” My eyes popped at her curse. “Delilah, you are not alone anymore. There are people who want to take care of you. Not because they have to, but because they love you.”
I knew of all people Teresa cared for me. I trusted her, and her opinion. And to be truthful, it felt good to be taken care of, something I’d never had before. I didn’t know how to handle it all, though, and reacted poorly. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I had control over nothing, not even going to the bathroom, and that was a very difficult thing for me to relinquish.
Control was what I had been granted when I contacted Joan to be removed from my family. I ended up a very stubborn person because I was afraid. I felt if I gave up one ounce of control, I was losing, and being in the hospital, I’d lost a lot. That was probably why I liked to give up control in the bedroom – a release from my own made chains.
“Okay,” I relented. I needed the help, and I trusted Teresa.
She would be there. What I was afraid of was spending the evenings with Nathan. I didn’t know if I could take being that close to him without breaking down or mauling him. Not that I had the energy for mauling.
She smiled and kissed my forehead.
“It’s okay to be scared, mi niña, but I see good things, wonderful things, once the clouds have dissipated. Love is a beautiful thing.”
I nodded, tears once again streaming down my face. My chest was tight, trying to hold on as I let go.
CHAPTER 4
In and out. In and out.
I felt like my hospital room was a revolving door. Strange that it took a car accident for me to feel wanted for once in my life. Then again, half of them were Nathan’s family, people I’d just met.
The people who came did so because they wanted to see me. They were worried about how I was, if I was bored, and some were worried about my future with Nathan.
Nathan’s whole family was very kind and set on keeping me entertained, keeping my mind off the pain when I was awake. The meds kept me pretty sedated, but almost every time I woke, someone was there.
Sarah, Erin, Teresa, and I could be found playing cards from time to time, or some game someone brought in. Movies came and went, and I was now caught up on many of the recent blockbusters. Well, those I didn’t end up falling asleep watching, which, thanks to all the drugs, was quite often.
Nathan was always there in some capacity, with the exception of work and sleep. Many times he was running errands, usually for non-hospital food for me and whatever guests I had. I still needed time, but there was always touching. It was as if he needed verification I was alive: small caresses and kisses, looks of longing. His declaration and actions left me…confused.
I looked over to the wall, counting down the minutes until he returned, knowing the minute he showed up, I’d be counting the minutes until he left.
It was a sick game my mind played on me.
My heart fluttered when his body filled the space in the doorway, carrying a bag from one of my favorite restaurants.
He smiled as he set it on the table in front of me, leaning down to kiss my forehead before a look of guilt crossed his face.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my eyes following him as he took a step back and tried to hide his cocky grin.
“Nothing.” He grabbed the nearest chair and dragged it over. The legs made an awful scraping sound against the floor. He sat down on the edge, grinning at me. “Anything exciting happen while I was gone?”
“Nope.” I kept staring at him. He’d crack eventually. It was clear he was hiding something, and I could wait him out.
“Shame.”
“Shame you’re acting like a lunatic. Did you find some happy pills in the hallway on the way in? You better tell me…”
“Well, I’m sure you’re bored out of your mind when you’re alone. Not to mention, how many times can you work on the puzzles in the paper, or play solitaire? I know your brain is fuzzy from the drugs and it’s hard to concentrate.” He was spot on there, but he, of all people, should know what it felt like.
I blinked and swallowed. “Okay, so after you took the happy pills, did you tell the doctor with the ice pick you didn’t want a lobotomy? Why did you let him steal the one proper functioning part of your—”
His arm reached around to his back pocket, the movement causing curiosity to cut me off.
My eyes flew open when he pulled out a DVD from behind him.
“Did you bring me p**n ?” My voice broke.
“Not exactly…” He smirked and held the movie or whatever it was between his two flattened palms.
“Then what? Homemade p**n ?” That thought excited me.
He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Come on, do you think they’d let me visit again if I brought you something like that? Besides, I know you can look that stuff up on your phone.”
“How do you know?” I wanted, I needed, someone to tell me the truth. The real truth I either couldn’t, or wouldn’t, see.
She contemplated before speaking. “It’s the little things. He’s always around.”
“He feels guilty.”
“He’s considerate of your state: emotional and physical,” she pointed out.
“He doesn’t want me to get worked up.”
“The soft, loving looks and touches,” she countered with more force.
I blinked back a few tears. “I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can put myself out there, give myself to him again. How do I trust him with my heart?”
“Time. He’s offered himself to you on a silver platter as penance.”
Tears slipped down my cheek. “I don’t want it as penance!”
“Oh, Lila,” she said with a sigh, her fingers running over my hair. “He wants you. He wants to love you and take care of you. That’s why he’s doing all of this. For you. He wants you to know him, hear him out. Do that, and then think about it, don’t just react like you have been; think. Then make a decision on what you want to do.”
I sighed before nodding. “Okay. I’ll listen.”
“Good,” she said with a nod. “Now that we have that settled, I wanted to go over the schedule with you.”
“I told him no!” I groaned in frustration.
“And, damn it, I say yes.” My eyes popped at her curse. “Delilah, you are not alone anymore. There are people who want to take care of you. Not because they have to, but because they love you.”
I knew of all people Teresa cared for me. I trusted her, and her opinion. And to be truthful, it felt good to be taken care of, something I’d never had before. I didn’t know how to handle it all, though, and reacted poorly. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I had control over nothing, not even going to the bathroom, and that was a very difficult thing for me to relinquish.
Control was what I had been granted when I contacted Joan to be removed from my family. I ended up a very stubborn person because I was afraid. I felt if I gave up one ounce of control, I was losing, and being in the hospital, I’d lost a lot. That was probably why I liked to give up control in the bedroom – a release from my own made chains.
“Okay,” I relented. I needed the help, and I trusted Teresa.
She would be there. What I was afraid of was spending the evenings with Nathan. I didn’t know if I could take being that close to him without breaking down or mauling him. Not that I had the energy for mauling.
She smiled and kissed my forehead.
“It’s okay to be scared, mi niña, but I see good things, wonderful things, once the clouds have dissipated. Love is a beautiful thing.”
I nodded, tears once again streaming down my face. My chest was tight, trying to hold on as I let go.
CHAPTER 4
In and out. In and out.
I felt like my hospital room was a revolving door. Strange that it took a car accident for me to feel wanted for once in my life. Then again, half of them were Nathan’s family, people I’d just met.
The people who came did so because they wanted to see me. They were worried about how I was, if I was bored, and some were worried about my future with Nathan.
Nathan’s whole family was very kind and set on keeping me entertained, keeping my mind off the pain when I was awake. The meds kept me pretty sedated, but almost every time I woke, someone was there.
Sarah, Erin, Teresa, and I could be found playing cards from time to time, or some game someone brought in. Movies came and went, and I was now caught up on many of the recent blockbusters. Well, those I didn’t end up falling asleep watching, which, thanks to all the drugs, was quite often.
Nathan was always there in some capacity, with the exception of work and sleep. Many times he was running errands, usually for non-hospital food for me and whatever guests I had. I still needed time, but there was always touching. It was as if he needed verification I was alive: small caresses and kisses, looks of longing. His declaration and actions left me…confused.
I looked over to the wall, counting down the minutes until he returned, knowing the minute he showed up, I’d be counting the minutes until he left.
It was a sick game my mind played on me.
My heart fluttered when his body filled the space in the doorway, carrying a bag from one of my favorite restaurants.
He smiled as he set it on the table in front of me, leaning down to kiss my forehead before a look of guilt crossed his face.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my eyes following him as he took a step back and tried to hide his cocky grin.
“Nothing.” He grabbed the nearest chair and dragged it over. The legs made an awful scraping sound against the floor. He sat down on the edge, grinning at me. “Anything exciting happen while I was gone?”
“Nope.” I kept staring at him. He’d crack eventually. It was clear he was hiding something, and I could wait him out.
“Shame.”
“Shame you’re acting like a lunatic. Did you find some happy pills in the hallway on the way in? You better tell me…”
“Well, I’m sure you’re bored out of your mind when you’re alone. Not to mention, how many times can you work on the puzzles in the paper, or play solitaire? I know your brain is fuzzy from the drugs and it’s hard to concentrate.” He was spot on there, but he, of all people, should know what it felt like.
I blinked and swallowed. “Okay, so after you took the happy pills, did you tell the doctor with the ice pick you didn’t want a lobotomy? Why did you let him steal the one proper functioning part of your—”
His arm reached around to his back pocket, the movement causing curiosity to cut me off.
My eyes flew open when he pulled out a DVD from behind him.
“Did you bring me p**n ?” My voice broke.
“Not exactly…” He smirked and held the movie or whatever it was between his two flattened palms.
“Then what? Homemade p**n ?” That thought excited me.
He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Come on, do you think they’d let me visit again if I brought you something like that? Besides, I know you can look that stuff up on your phone.”
