I reached up and began playing with his hair. It was so silky in my fingers. I sighed in contentment, looking at what my life had become—what Nathan and I had evolved into.
It was beautiful. We were a family, a real one. My heart was soaring at the thought.
Beep.
Beep? I wondered, my hands still playing with his locks.
The strange beeping became incessant, steady. It pulled me away from the beautiful vision in front of me. I held onto Nathan’s hair, refusing to let go. It was everything my heart desired.
Beep.
A bright light began to envelope everything, our children fading away. I began to panic, hearing the beeping increase as I called out for them to come back. It was so bright, enveloping everything. Taking away what I’d always wished for.
And then there was nothing but pain for a few seconds.
My eyes began to open, fighting against the glue that seemed to be keeping them shut. The morning light seeped through the windows. My hand twitched, and I felt something between my fingers. I looked down to find Nathan’s familiar hair beneath my palm. His head was lying on his arm, his other hand draped on my stomach. He was asleep.
I’d been dreaming.
I studied him. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his face was gaunt. He seemed thinner, too. I hadn’t noticed how terrible he looked because I refused to really take a good look at him. I didn’t want to.
The dream resurfaced, and in my mind I remembered how good, how healthy, he looked. I also remembered the family we had. I had dreamed of him, dreamed of us, and what we could be.
My walls were cracking. I wanted it. I wanted it so badly. I wanted him.
My fingers combed through his hair, and I wondered if I’d been doing that in my sleep? Had I known he was there and reached out to him?
It wouldn’t surprise me. I never could deny the draw I had to him. The more I thought about letting him in, the more my chest constricted, my breathing more labored.
It would be up to him. If he wanted me as much as he claimed, he would have to show me.
Everything.
Nothing less would allow me to open back up to him. No more hiding. He would have to let it all out before I even considered.
He stirred and my fingers stilled. His eyes opened, and I stared down at him. They closed again, and his head pushed up into my hand as he let out a sigh of contentment.
“Hi,” he croaked. I didn’t respond. I was muted as his blue eyes gazed up at me in reverence. “How are you feeling?” His hand rose from my stomach and moved a strand of hair from my face.
“You really want an answer to that?” Just because he brought me food and movies, did not mean everything was wonderful.
“That bad, huh?”
I shrugged as best I could. “Broken heart, broken body, and broken soul. Not sure I can get more broken than that.”
He cringed against my words. “I’m going to work on fixing all those things.”
“You have a plan for that?”
“It’s formulating. Slowly, but it’s coming.”
I quirked my brow at him. “Are you sure about that?”
“It’s a twelve-step program.”
My lips twitched. “Really? What’s step number one?”
“Admitting I’m in love with you…to you and myself.”
I stared at him, unable to respond, but my heart was beating at a furious pace and, thanks to the heart monitor, Nathan was aware of it, as well. “Step two?”
He let out a hard breath and sat up, my hand falling from his hair, and he took it in his. “Gather the strength to tell you about, well, everything.”
“How long will that step take, do you think?”
“I’m hoping by the time you’re released I’ll have a plan in place.”
“That doesn’t give you much time.”
He shook his head, lips pressed together. “No.”
“That’s only two steps.”
“Well, I’m thinking groveling will come into play somewhere,” he said as he stared off into the distance, lost in thought. “I’m going to push my fears down, if step two works, so we can move onto step three.”
“I wish I knew what your fears are,” I whispered.
He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “Soon. As soon as we get you home.” He glanced up at the clock on the far wall and looked back to me. It was almost eight. “I have to get to the office.” He scooted back from the bed. It was then I noticed he was dressed in a different suit from yesterday.
My brow scrunched, and even that hurt. “How long have you been here?”
“A few hours,” he admitted. “You have surgery prep soon, and then Caroline will be in around lunch. That should be around the time you wake up. After that, my mom and Erin are going to keep you company until I get out of work.”
I winced, not wanting to think about being under for surgery. Especially knowing I would be facing it alone. No one would be right outside the surgery doors praying, pacing, or waiting. I swallowed the fear down like a cold, hard lump. My eyes slid closed for a moment, to brace myself, buoy my courage back, and keep it surfaced long enough to get through the ordeal of more trauma on my poor mangled body.
I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the strong, striking features of his handsome face. What if this was the last time I saw it? What if I died on the operating table? No, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. And it didn’t help to let these morbid thoughts be entertained for even a second. I will see you again!
“Oh, okay,” I responded. It was all I could say. I didn’t want to break down.
He leaned down and kissed my forehead, then with hesitance, moved down to my lips. He thought better of it before we connected and slid to my cheek instead.
“I love you,” he whispered in my ear.
He turned and walked out the door, glancing back at me before disappearing.
Tears welled in my eyes as everything we talked about looped through my mind. I wanted to say “I love you, too,” but that wouldn’t do either of us any good. I wanted the dream.
Soon after, a nurse entered my room and began talking to me about my upcoming surgery. I could hear what she was saying, but I didn’t comprehend most of it.
I was too scared to think straight—I’d never had surgery before.
Nathan, our children… I focused on the dream I had. I needed to go to a happy place and the dream was my new fantasyland. Surgery was too overwhelming to think about. In order to keep from crying, I said my phantom family’s names over and over again.
It was beautiful. We were a family, a real one. My heart was soaring at the thought.
Beep.
Beep? I wondered, my hands still playing with his locks.
The strange beeping became incessant, steady. It pulled me away from the beautiful vision in front of me. I held onto Nathan’s hair, refusing to let go. It was everything my heart desired.
Beep.
A bright light began to envelope everything, our children fading away. I began to panic, hearing the beeping increase as I called out for them to come back. It was so bright, enveloping everything. Taking away what I’d always wished for.
And then there was nothing but pain for a few seconds.
My eyes began to open, fighting against the glue that seemed to be keeping them shut. The morning light seeped through the windows. My hand twitched, and I felt something between my fingers. I looked down to find Nathan’s familiar hair beneath my palm. His head was lying on his arm, his other hand draped on my stomach. He was asleep.
I’d been dreaming.
I studied him. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his face was gaunt. He seemed thinner, too. I hadn’t noticed how terrible he looked because I refused to really take a good look at him. I didn’t want to.
The dream resurfaced, and in my mind I remembered how good, how healthy, he looked. I also remembered the family we had. I had dreamed of him, dreamed of us, and what we could be.
My walls were cracking. I wanted it. I wanted it so badly. I wanted him.
My fingers combed through his hair, and I wondered if I’d been doing that in my sleep? Had I known he was there and reached out to him?
It wouldn’t surprise me. I never could deny the draw I had to him. The more I thought about letting him in, the more my chest constricted, my breathing more labored.
It would be up to him. If he wanted me as much as he claimed, he would have to show me.
Everything.
Nothing less would allow me to open back up to him. No more hiding. He would have to let it all out before I even considered.
He stirred and my fingers stilled. His eyes opened, and I stared down at him. They closed again, and his head pushed up into my hand as he let out a sigh of contentment.
“Hi,” he croaked. I didn’t respond. I was muted as his blue eyes gazed up at me in reverence. “How are you feeling?” His hand rose from my stomach and moved a strand of hair from my face.
“You really want an answer to that?” Just because he brought me food and movies, did not mean everything was wonderful.
“That bad, huh?”
I shrugged as best I could. “Broken heart, broken body, and broken soul. Not sure I can get more broken than that.”
He cringed against my words. “I’m going to work on fixing all those things.”
“You have a plan for that?”
“It’s formulating. Slowly, but it’s coming.”
I quirked my brow at him. “Are you sure about that?”
“It’s a twelve-step program.”
My lips twitched. “Really? What’s step number one?”
“Admitting I’m in love with you…to you and myself.”
I stared at him, unable to respond, but my heart was beating at a furious pace and, thanks to the heart monitor, Nathan was aware of it, as well. “Step two?”
He let out a hard breath and sat up, my hand falling from his hair, and he took it in his. “Gather the strength to tell you about, well, everything.”
“How long will that step take, do you think?”
“I’m hoping by the time you’re released I’ll have a plan in place.”
“That doesn’t give you much time.”
He shook his head, lips pressed together. “No.”
“That’s only two steps.”
“Well, I’m thinking groveling will come into play somewhere,” he said as he stared off into the distance, lost in thought. “I’m going to push my fears down, if step two works, so we can move onto step three.”
“I wish I knew what your fears are,” I whispered.
He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “Soon. As soon as we get you home.” He glanced up at the clock on the far wall and looked back to me. It was almost eight. “I have to get to the office.” He scooted back from the bed. It was then I noticed he was dressed in a different suit from yesterday.
My brow scrunched, and even that hurt. “How long have you been here?”
“A few hours,” he admitted. “You have surgery prep soon, and then Caroline will be in around lunch. That should be around the time you wake up. After that, my mom and Erin are going to keep you company until I get out of work.”
I winced, not wanting to think about being under for surgery. Especially knowing I would be facing it alone. No one would be right outside the surgery doors praying, pacing, or waiting. I swallowed the fear down like a cold, hard lump. My eyes slid closed for a moment, to brace myself, buoy my courage back, and keep it surfaced long enough to get through the ordeal of more trauma on my poor mangled body.
I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the strong, striking features of his handsome face. What if this was the last time I saw it? What if I died on the operating table? No, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. And it didn’t help to let these morbid thoughts be entertained for even a second. I will see you again!
“Oh, okay,” I responded. It was all I could say. I didn’t want to break down.
He leaned down and kissed my forehead, then with hesitance, moved down to my lips. He thought better of it before we connected and slid to my cheek instead.
“I love you,” he whispered in my ear.
He turned and walked out the door, glancing back at me before disappearing.
Tears welled in my eyes as everything we talked about looped through my mind. I wanted to say “I love you, too,” but that wouldn’t do either of us any good. I wanted the dream.
Soon after, a nurse entered my room and began talking to me about my upcoming surgery. I could hear what she was saying, but I didn’t comprehend most of it.
I was too scared to think straight—I’d never had surgery before.
Nathan, our children… I focused on the dream I had. I needed to go to a happy place and the dream was my new fantasyland. Surgery was too overwhelming to think about. In order to keep from crying, I said my phantom family’s names over and over again.
