Anna.
Jackson.
Baby girl in my tummy, whom I loved as much as the ones running circles around my beach ball belly.
And Nathan… Always Nathan.
Would they wait for me, and be my future someday?
It was all too terrifying to think of, but the warmth, the love I felt on that beach in my dream was so real. More real than these harsh hospital walls I was staring at.
The nurse said something about calming down and taking some deep breaths. That was when I realized I was borderline hyperventilating.
It all became a blur after that. Before I knew it, I was in the operating room and the anesthesiologist was telling me to count to ten.
I only made it to seven.
CHAPTER 5
I awoke groggy, my head swimming, eyes unfocused.
“Nathan…” I mumbled. My eyes refused to stay open, my head lolling back and forth. “Nate!”
My breathing was hard. Where was he? I needed him.
“Shhh, I’m here, baby,” he called, his voice rough. I felt his hand on my cheek and then sighed, leaning into the warmth.
“Take me home,” I said weakly.
“What?”
“I want to go home.”
“Oh, Honeybear, soon.”
“Please.” Tears began to stream down my face. “I want to go home. Take me home.”
My eyes opened a tiny bit, and his brow was scrunched up, sadness etched in his features. He looked up at something, and a voice chimed in letting me know we were not alone.
“It’s the drugs,” Dr. Morgenson’s familiar voice said.
Dr. Morgenson had been in and out during my stay. We had mini sessions together. To most, it would look like a normal conversation, but what was actually going on was Dr. Morgenson playing his Jedi mind tricks on me. Some worked, others didn’t, and I was always left feeling emotionally drained. He was taking advantage of my drugged state, I thought, planting seeds and pulling weeds.
At least that was how I looked at it.
“Okay,” I said, answering the unasked question.
“Okay?” Nathan asked, confused.
“Okay. I’m okaying the schedule.”
Nathan’s face lit up and a smile began to spread before quickly fading. “You don’t know what you’re saying right now. We’ll talk about it when it wears off.”
My anger spiked, and I unleashed it upon Nathan. “I f**king said I want you to take care of me, and that’s your response? After everything? I’m agreeing, so you better f**king accept it before I take it back!”
“Nathan, it’s not the right moment to start arguing with her. She’s not lying. She may be loopy and out of it, but she means it. Let her be,” Dr. Morgenson said.
My head spun a little. I knew what I was saying, but it was coming out all wrong. Nothing made sense in my head except what I was trying to say.
His eyes were wide, and I could tell he didn’t know what to do with me. Hell, at that moment I didn’t know what to do with me.
I sniffled; my emotions were everywhere. “Don’t you want me? You said you wanted me.”
“That’s not it, baby. I just want to make sure it’s what you want.”
I pulled him to me, as close as possible. I had an overwhelming need to be close to him. I felt disconnected from myself in some ways. Tears streamed from my eyes, and his arms wrapped around my torso, his head buried into my neck.
“I love you,” I said, my breath hitching. “I love you so much. Please, please take me home. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
He pulled back to look at me. It hit me what had slipped past all the walls in my mind and heart, and through my lips. The deepest feelings I kept from him. Words I was afraid to tell him, the feelings that tore me to shreds and broke me to pieces when he left.
He buried his face back into my neck. “I love you, and I’ll wait. I know you’re saying things due to all the meds in your system right now. I’ll wait until the day you want to say them on your own terms.”
We stayed like that for a few minutes, and as the time passed, my mind began to clear. I froze with realization. Nathan’s arms stayed wrapped around me, unwilling to let me go.
He pulled back and moved the chair closer, touching me the entire time. “I want to take care of you; I want you to come home with me. We’ll go at whatever pace you want, though.”
His finger made soothing circles on my skin, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. The world fell away, and it was only Nathan and me, at least until Dr. Morgenson cleared his throat.
“Now that I have your attention, both of you, there are some things we need to go over,” he began. The doctor was in. “I’ve drawn out a schedule for the both of you. I think it would be a good idea, considering all that has happened between the two of you, that you have a joint session, once a week, on top of your own.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Getting you both back into therapy is a necessity right now. You two need to communicate everything if you ever want to try to be together again. Otherwise I’m afraid of what could happen down the line.”
“Darren, she’s not even out of the hospital, so maybe we should wait on the therapy.”
Anger flashed across Dr. Morgenson’s face for a brief moment. “No, Nathan. We’ve all coddled you for far too long and it’s done you no good. I’m not making that mistake again. You have to bring it all into the open so you can move on and heal. You will never heal like this; you can’t even talk about her or the accident four years later! It’s the only way you two can ever be together.”
“I…ugh!” Nathan let out a strangled cry.
“Please, stop.” I couldn’t stand to see him in pain.
“He wasn’t the only one to suffer from that mass of metal and glass,” Darren said, shaking his head. “You weren’t the only one who lost that night. They lost you as well, Nathan. Your whole family has mourned your loss for the last four years. Your mother has been fighting severe depression, but you don’t see that because you never see her anymore. Erin has nightmares of seeing your bloody, broken body with your heart barely beating. You were in a coma and didn’t see the devastation it caused your family, and I’m including her side when I say family. When you woke, they had to relive it all to tell you what had happened. Horrific memories haunted them every day as they helped you during your rehabilitation. That night tore your family apart, and only you can put them back together. I believe Lila is the key to that healing.”
Jackson.
Baby girl in my tummy, whom I loved as much as the ones running circles around my beach ball belly.
And Nathan… Always Nathan.
Would they wait for me, and be my future someday?
It was all too terrifying to think of, but the warmth, the love I felt on that beach in my dream was so real. More real than these harsh hospital walls I was staring at.
The nurse said something about calming down and taking some deep breaths. That was when I realized I was borderline hyperventilating.
It all became a blur after that. Before I knew it, I was in the operating room and the anesthesiologist was telling me to count to ten.
I only made it to seven.
CHAPTER 5
I awoke groggy, my head swimming, eyes unfocused.
“Nathan…” I mumbled. My eyes refused to stay open, my head lolling back and forth. “Nate!”
My breathing was hard. Where was he? I needed him.
“Shhh, I’m here, baby,” he called, his voice rough. I felt his hand on my cheek and then sighed, leaning into the warmth.
“Take me home,” I said weakly.
“What?”
“I want to go home.”
“Oh, Honeybear, soon.”
“Please.” Tears began to stream down my face. “I want to go home. Take me home.”
My eyes opened a tiny bit, and his brow was scrunched up, sadness etched in his features. He looked up at something, and a voice chimed in letting me know we were not alone.
“It’s the drugs,” Dr. Morgenson’s familiar voice said.
Dr. Morgenson had been in and out during my stay. We had mini sessions together. To most, it would look like a normal conversation, but what was actually going on was Dr. Morgenson playing his Jedi mind tricks on me. Some worked, others didn’t, and I was always left feeling emotionally drained. He was taking advantage of my drugged state, I thought, planting seeds and pulling weeds.
At least that was how I looked at it.
“Okay,” I said, answering the unasked question.
“Okay?” Nathan asked, confused.
“Okay. I’m okaying the schedule.”
Nathan’s face lit up and a smile began to spread before quickly fading. “You don’t know what you’re saying right now. We’ll talk about it when it wears off.”
My anger spiked, and I unleashed it upon Nathan. “I f**king said I want you to take care of me, and that’s your response? After everything? I’m agreeing, so you better f**king accept it before I take it back!”
“Nathan, it’s not the right moment to start arguing with her. She’s not lying. She may be loopy and out of it, but she means it. Let her be,” Dr. Morgenson said.
My head spun a little. I knew what I was saying, but it was coming out all wrong. Nothing made sense in my head except what I was trying to say.
His eyes were wide, and I could tell he didn’t know what to do with me. Hell, at that moment I didn’t know what to do with me.
I sniffled; my emotions were everywhere. “Don’t you want me? You said you wanted me.”
“That’s not it, baby. I just want to make sure it’s what you want.”
I pulled him to me, as close as possible. I had an overwhelming need to be close to him. I felt disconnected from myself in some ways. Tears streamed from my eyes, and his arms wrapped around my torso, his head buried into my neck.
“I love you,” I said, my breath hitching. “I love you so much. Please, please take me home. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
He pulled back to look at me. It hit me what had slipped past all the walls in my mind and heart, and through my lips. The deepest feelings I kept from him. Words I was afraid to tell him, the feelings that tore me to shreds and broke me to pieces when he left.
He buried his face back into my neck. “I love you, and I’ll wait. I know you’re saying things due to all the meds in your system right now. I’ll wait until the day you want to say them on your own terms.”
We stayed like that for a few minutes, and as the time passed, my mind began to clear. I froze with realization. Nathan’s arms stayed wrapped around me, unwilling to let me go.
He pulled back and moved the chair closer, touching me the entire time. “I want to take care of you; I want you to come home with me. We’ll go at whatever pace you want, though.”
His finger made soothing circles on my skin, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. The world fell away, and it was only Nathan and me, at least until Dr. Morgenson cleared his throat.
“Now that I have your attention, both of you, there are some things we need to go over,” he began. The doctor was in. “I’ve drawn out a schedule for the both of you. I think it would be a good idea, considering all that has happened between the two of you, that you have a joint session, once a week, on top of your own.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Getting you both back into therapy is a necessity right now. You two need to communicate everything if you ever want to try to be together again. Otherwise I’m afraid of what could happen down the line.”
“Darren, she’s not even out of the hospital, so maybe we should wait on the therapy.”
Anger flashed across Dr. Morgenson’s face for a brief moment. “No, Nathan. We’ve all coddled you for far too long and it’s done you no good. I’m not making that mistake again. You have to bring it all into the open so you can move on and heal. You will never heal like this; you can’t even talk about her or the accident four years later! It’s the only way you two can ever be together.”
“I…ugh!” Nathan let out a strangled cry.
“Please, stop.” I couldn’t stand to see him in pain.
“He wasn’t the only one to suffer from that mass of metal and glass,” Darren said, shaking his head. “You weren’t the only one who lost that night. They lost you as well, Nathan. Your whole family has mourned your loss for the last four years. Your mother has been fighting severe depression, but you don’t see that because you never see her anymore. Erin has nightmares of seeing your bloody, broken body with your heart barely beating. You were in a coma and didn’t see the devastation it caused your family, and I’m including her side when I say family. When you woke, they had to relive it all to tell you what had happened. Horrific memories haunted them every day as they helped you during your rehabilitation. That night tore your family apart, and only you can put them back together. I believe Lila is the key to that healing.”
