He returned me to the bed afterward and resumed getting ready while I fell back asleep. I felt his lips on my forehead a little later, along with the next dosage of meds. I was getting really tired of all the drugs, but I knew they were needed.
“My mom is running behind, so I’ll stay until she arrives.”
I shook my head. “I’ll be perfectly fine until she gets here. You need to get to work.” He grimaced. “Go.”
He leaned over and kissed my forehead again. “If you need anything, just call, okay? I’ll check in at lunch.”
My gaze followed him as he walked out, and I sighed when I heard the door click. It was the first moment of peace I’d experienced since the morning of the accident. No beeping machines, no nurses, no people asking me if I needed anything. Just… silence.
My life had become a routine: wake up, take meds, watch a movie, eat, take meds, nap.
For days this trend continued, the only variation being who was assigned as my babysitter.
At first, it’d been difficult for me to rely on Sarah and Erin because I didn’t know them. However, the more time we spent together, the closer we became. We became even closer in some more intimate ways when bathroom breaks came around and they had to help me with some embarrassing, private matters. They almost seemed happy to do it, almost as if it was proof I trusted them and was allowing them into my life.
Today they were staring at me, glints of mischief as they settled in.
“Why are you fighting this thing you have with Nate?” Erin asked. “I’m just curious, because I see the way you look at him.”
I sighed and took a deep breath, as well as a leap of faith. “Because it’s hard to fight for someone you never thought you deserved. Nathan is above me. He’s gorgeous, much smarter than me, social. The only thing I have to offer is my body.”
Erin and Sarah shared a look, a silent conversation before Erin turned to me.
“He told you everything, and you said you couldn’t give it a real try? Why?” Erin asked. Her expression was almost as sad as Nathan’s when I said it to him, but I couldn’t figure out why she would have such an emotional response. I was also surprised by the way her voice sounded tight and was breaking a little.
“From what little I’ve heard, you all sing nothing but praise about Grace. I’ll never be able to live up to that. I’ll never be her. I’m me and I’m f**ked up, and any delusions I once had that we could be something died the second I learned he was still in love with her.”
I wiped away the tears that sprang to my eyes, not strong enough to pretend anymore. Sarah stood from her chair and walked over to my side of the bed, her arm wrapping around me.
“Oh, Lila,” Sarah replied with a sigh. “You are very worthy of him.”
Sarah looked up to Erin for support. Erin took a deep breath and began, “Nate has accepted her death, that she’s gone, but he’s never gotten over the guilt. Until he deals with that, he can’t let her go from his heart. He blames himself for everything, and he can’t stand the thought of the same thing happening to anyone else. He cut us all off. I hadn’t seen him in months. Bad enough we lost Grace and the baby, but we also lost Nate.”
Sarah sniffed, the conversation digging up painful memories. “Grace was a lovely woman, but you bring life and meaning to him. She struggled with the ability to let go and move on after each miscarriage, and Nathan never had a reason to move on after she died. Yes, he loved her, very much, but with you I see a spark I’ve never seen in him. Love has many shapes and depths, some richer than others. His for you is breathtaking.”
Sarah’s words gave me hope that maybe he could heal and let go; that we both could overcome our ghosts. There might not be white horses riding off into the sunset, but there could be happiness, and an all-consuming love.
The fact that his mother approved of me was monumental. Not since my own mother died had that been in my life. My heart warmed at the simple sight of her.
CHAPTER 8
Dr. Morgenson wasn’t soft in handling us, despite all that had happened. He made good on his threats from the outburst at the hospital, and now we were both in a more intensive therapy program than before.
We planned to meet twice a week; once would be an individual session, and the other would be a joint session. The individual sessions were to make sure we both got back on track after months away. He said the joint session was to help us understand each other better and to make sure we opened up and communicated.
The day of our first joint session came, and my stomach was fluttering with butterflies circling within, my nerves skyrocketing.
Nathan came into the bedroom in the early afternoon and picked me up to take me into the living room where Darren was waiting to start our session. It was decided that having our therapy in my home would be less of a strain on my mangled, healing body than trying to transport me back and forth to Darren’s office. My stomach was in knots and a wave of nausea almost overcame me as we made our way.
We were going to talk and get everything out in the open. I was conflicted. A part of me wanted to be there for him, to know how best to help him, and I couldn’t do that unless I knew what happened to him. But deep down inside, I was afraid. What if I really couldn’t handle hearing about his pain and seeing him relive it just for me? I wasn’t worth it. I knew that, but I was too selfish to let go. I needed him, so that included sharing the burden of his pain.
Even scarier than learning about his trauma was him hearing about mine. No one wanted me, I knew that, and Nathan’s illusions of me, or what he thought was me, would evaporate into thin air. I’d be lost without him there to hold my hand.
It was the sole reason I was holding back, and it was a habit I had to stop. Darren told me if I continued on that path I’d lose my one shot at being happy, so I bit my lip and held my breath as we entered my living room.
Not a word was spoken as he sat me down on the chaise lounge on one end of the couch, taking care that my leg was supported, and yet my insides were clenching violently.
Nathan sat down next to me and gripped my hand in his, making it apparent he was feeling the exact same way.
“How are you both today?” Darren asked.
I blinked. Was it a trick question? Could he not see the expressions we both wore? I couldn’t even look Nathan in the eye, but from my periphery it was obvious he wasn’t handling this well already.
“My mom is running behind, so I’ll stay until she arrives.”
I shook my head. “I’ll be perfectly fine until she gets here. You need to get to work.” He grimaced. “Go.”
He leaned over and kissed my forehead again. “If you need anything, just call, okay? I’ll check in at lunch.”
My gaze followed him as he walked out, and I sighed when I heard the door click. It was the first moment of peace I’d experienced since the morning of the accident. No beeping machines, no nurses, no people asking me if I needed anything. Just… silence.
My life had become a routine: wake up, take meds, watch a movie, eat, take meds, nap.
For days this trend continued, the only variation being who was assigned as my babysitter.
At first, it’d been difficult for me to rely on Sarah and Erin because I didn’t know them. However, the more time we spent together, the closer we became. We became even closer in some more intimate ways when bathroom breaks came around and they had to help me with some embarrassing, private matters. They almost seemed happy to do it, almost as if it was proof I trusted them and was allowing them into my life.
Today they were staring at me, glints of mischief as they settled in.
“Why are you fighting this thing you have with Nate?” Erin asked. “I’m just curious, because I see the way you look at him.”
I sighed and took a deep breath, as well as a leap of faith. “Because it’s hard to fight for someone you never thought you deserved. Nathan is above me. He’s gorgeous, much smarter than me, social. The only thing I have to offer is my body.”
Erin and Sarah shared a look, a silent conversation before Erin turned to me.
“He told you everything, and you said you couldn’t give it a real try? Why?” Erin asked. Her expression was almost as sad as Nathan’s when I said it to him, but I couldn’t figure out why she would have such an emotional response. I was also surprised by the way her voice sounded tight and was breaking a little.
“From what little I’ve heard, you all sing nothing but praise about Grace. I’ll never be able to live up to that. I’ll never be her. I’m me and I’m f**ked up, and any delusions I once had that we could be something died the second I learned he was still in love with her.”
I wiped away the tears that sprang to my eyes, not strong enough to pretend anymore. Sarah stood from her chair and walked over to my side of the bed, her arm wrapping around me.
“Oh, Lila,” Sarah replied with a sigh. “You are very worthy of him.”
Sarah looked up to Erin for support. Erin took a deep breath and began, “Nate has accepted her death, that she’s gone, but he’s never gotten over the guilt. Until he deals with that, he can’t let her go from his heart. He blames himself for everything, and he can’t stand the thought of the same thing happening to anyone else. He cut us all off. I hadn’t seen him in months. Bad enough we lost Grace and the baby, but we also lost Nate.”
Sarah sniffed, the conversation digging up painful memories. “Grace was a lovely woman, but you bring life and meaning to him. She struggled with the ability to let go and move on after each miscarriage, and Nathan never had a reason to move on after she died. Yes, he loved her, very much, but with you I see a spark I’ve never seen in him. Love has many shapes and depths, some richer than others. His for you is breathtaking.”
Sarah’s words gave me hope that maybe he could heal and let go; that we both could overcome our ghosts. There might not be white horses riding off into the sunset, but there could be happiness, and an all-consuming love.
The fact that his mother approved of me was monumental. Not since my own mother died had that been in my life. My heart warmed at the simple sight of her.
CHAPTER 8
Dr. Morgenson wasn’t soft in handling us, despite all that had happened. He made good on his threats from the outburst at the hospital, and now we were both in a more intensive therapy program than before.
We planned to meet twice a week; once would be an individual session, and the other would be a joint session. The individual sessions were to make sure we both got back on track after months away. He said the joint session was to help us understand each other better and to make sure we opened up and communicated.
The day of our first joint session came, and my stomach was fluttering with butterflies circling within, my nerves skyrocketing.
Nathan came into the bedroom in the early afternoon and picked me up to take me into the living room where Darren was waiting to start our session. It was decided that having our therapy in my home would be less of a strain on my mangled, healing body than trying to transport me back and forth to Darren’s office. My stomach was in knots and a wave of nausea almost overcame me as we made our way.
We were going to talk and get everything out in the open. I was conflicted. A part of me wanted to be there for him, to know how best to help him, and I couldn’t do that unless I knew what happened to him. But deep down inside, I was afraid. What if I really couldn’t handle hearing about his pain and seeing him relive it just for me? I wasn’t worth it. I knew that, but I was too selfish to let go. I needed him, so that included sharing the burden of his pain.
Even scarier than learning about his trauma was him hearing about mine. No one wanted me, I knew that, and Nathan’s illusions of me, or what he thought was me, would evaporate into thin air. I’d be lost without him there to hold my hand.
It was the sole reason I was holding back, and it was a habit I had to stop. Darren told me if I continued on that path I’d lose my one shot at being happy, so I bit my lip and held my breath as we entered my living room.
Not a word was spoken as he sat me down on the chaise lounge on one end of the couch, taking care that my leg was supported, and yet my insides were clenching violently.
Nathan sat down next to me and gripped my hand in his, making it apparent he was feeling the exact same way.
“How are you both today?” Darren asked.
I blinked. Was it a trick question? Could he not see the expressions we both wore? I couldn’t even look Nathan in the eye, but from my periphery it was obvious he wasn’t handling this well already.
