I locked down my emotions; I had to if I was going to get through telling them. “I got a few slaps for that when we got home. Two days later I started researching how to get away. I couldn’t live with them anymore. I had to get out. I called Joan a few days later and explained my situation. She believed me, and I was pulled from the house the next day while the investigation took place. By then the bruises had formed and faded a bit, but his hand prints were still visible and were entered in as evidence.”
“What happened next?” Darren asked, pushing me further than ever before.
My hand moved around to my neck, where the deepest bruises had been. “The judge believed us, after seeing my injuries and the pictures. When they removed me, I went to stay with Teresa and Armando. Teresa was so kind, she worked with me. She never rushed and she helped me to recover. She made sure I ate anywhere from three to five times a day when the doctor said I was too underweight. I weighed a whooping eighty-seven pounds when I moved in with them.”
My eyes were unfocused as it poured out. “I never smiled, and I shied away from Noah, the boy with a situation similar to mine. He was the same build and hair color as Adam. I hated that I categorized him in the same place in my mind as Adam, because he was so nice, but he understood. We became good friends, but before that happened he learned how to approach me, making it easier for me to distinguish the difference. Armando…it took us some time. He had a bald spot, so he kept his hair shaved off. Teresa got it out of me one day, and Armando stopped shaving his head that day. He wasn’t as affectionate as Teresa, but he had his own way.”
“How long were you with them?”
“After seeing the healthy changes in me, the judge separated me from my family and put me in the custody of Teresa and Armando. My family was not to contact me at all; a restraining order was placed on them.”
I stared down at the floor, thinking about that time in my life, tears falling from my eyes, when I felt Nathan’s hands on me. His strong arms pulled me into his lap and wrapped around me, his head buried in my neck. His body shook, and I ran my hands through his hair in an attempt to soothe him back.
“I’m not much, but I’m all yours,” Nathan said, breaking the silence. “Everything that I am. I know I’ll f**k up, but I promise you will never feel unloved or unwanted ever again.”
“You can’t promise that. Not after what you’ve put me through all week.” I tried not to start bawling again, my bottom lip trembling.
His lips brushed against my neck. “Maybe not, but I will work damn hard to make it the truth.”
We stayed in our little bubble, connecting for the first time in days, and I almost felt…whole.
“I must say, Lila, I’m quite impressed by how much you just opened up. I’m also quite proud because that is something you’d only hinted at in our past sessions.” Darren’s words pulled our attention away from one another and put it back on him.
“We’re going to do a little experiment. I’m going to leave the room. Nathan, you’re going to kiss her and show her with your body how much you worship and adore her. And when she feels safe, you tell her something she doesn’t already know about you. Something about Grace, or the baby, or about your fears.” Darren turned to me. “After he’s done that, I want you think about how you feel. If it feels right, share something with him. If it doesn’t, then show him with your body how you feel about him, and don’t worry about your past for a few moments. He needs to know you love him.”
Nathan nodded. “I do need to know that, so much.” His tone was heartbreaking, and I felt on the verge of a yet another crying jag.
“And, Nathan, Lila needs your reassurance and your affections.”
He left the room, and I waited, unsure of how to proceed. Was it going to be awkward to kiss and hug under our therapist’s direction?
“Lila, I’ll say it again. I will do anything to have you trust me again.”
My breath stuck in my throat. He wasn’t doing what Darren asked. He wasn’t kissing me or hugging me. But it was what I needed to hear before I could allow him to touch me. What Darren didn’t know was Nathan could read me. He knew what I had to have to feel secure in him.
“I’m beyond sorry for making you feel even the slightest bit as if I didn’t want you this past week. It was never my intention. I got caught up inside my own head. I love you, so much. I want to make this all work, but I’m also so scared of what could happen to you by being with me. I don’t want it to rule my life’s decisions and feelings any longer. I want us together; I want us happy and healthy. No more masks, just Lila and Nathan.”
Darren may have been wrong about how he instructed Nathan, but he was absolutely right about me. I didn’t have the words, but my mouth needed to show him what he meant to me. So, I kissed him for all I was worth.
He responded, moaning into the kiss. The invisible wall we had put between us was gone for the moment.
No one seemed embarrassed when Darren returned, and he didn’t ask for details. “Feel better?”
Nathan smiled. “Much.”
“Emotionally we all feel like children at times. I have a little trick I do with families who come to me with kids. I tell the child when they feel sick inside or hurt to say a few simple words to their parents. Want to know what it is?”
“Yes.” I was sitting on the edge of my seat like he held the magic answer to my problems.
“I tell them to say to their parent, ‘I need lovey hugs’ and then their parent has to give it to them no questions asked. It’s a safe zone where they can get love before they figure out what the problem is. You can’t open up to each other if you’re scared. Trust has to be established first.” He smiled with a kindness that made me feel reverent and almost idolize Dr. Morgenson in that moment.
“You don’t have to use those particular words since they’re very simple and childlike, but maybe you could find your own keywords together, to let the other person know it’s important they drop what they’re doing and give you some physical affection. But afterward, like with sex, you have to share something about why you needed it. Otherwise the person who gave it will feel rejected. Make sense?”
It seemed a steep price to pay, but I was willing to try it, so I agreed.
We ended the session by talking about what we needed to tackle on our next couple’s session. Nathan seemed calmed, relaxed. I felt a little torn; I wanted to believe we’d made progress, but anxious and worried this wouldn’t work.
“What happened next?” Darren asked, pushing me further than ever before.
My hand moved around to my neck, where the deepest bruises had been. “The judge believed us, after seeing my injuries and the pictures. When they removed me, I went to stay with Teresa and Armando. Teresa was so kind, she worked with me. She never rushed and she helped me to recover. She made sure I ate anywhere from three to five times a day when the doctor said I was too underweight. I weighed a whooping eighty-seven pounds when I moved in with them.”
My eyes were unfocused as it poured out. “I never smiled, and I shied away from Noah, the boy with a situation similar to mine. He was the same build and hair color as Adam. I hated that I categorized him in the same place in my mind as Adam, because he was so nice, but he understood. We became good friends, but before that happened he learned how to approach me, making it easier for me to distinguish the difference. Armando…it took us some time. He had a bald spot, so he kept his hair shaved off. Teresa got it out of me one day, and Armando stopped shaving his head that day. He wasn’t as affectionate as Teresa, but he had his own way.”
“How long were you with them?”
“After seeing the healthy changes in me, the judge separated me from my family and put me in the custody of Teresa and Armando. My family was not to contact me at all; a restraining order was placed on them.”
I stared down at the floor, thinking about that time in my life, tears falling from my eyes, when I felt Nathan’s hands on me. His strong arms pulled me into his lap and wrapped around me, his head buried in my neck. His body shook, and I ran my hands through his hair in an attempt to soothe him back.
“I’m not much, but I’m all yours,” Nathan said, breaking the silence. “Everything that I am. I know I’ll f**k up, but I promise you will never feel unloved or unwanted ever again.”
“You can’t promise that. Not after what you’ve put me through all week.” I tried not to start bawling again, my bottom lip trembling.
His lips brushed against my neck. “Maybe not, but I will work damn hard to make it the truth.”
We stayed in our little bubble, connecting for the first time in days, and I almost felt…whole.
“I must say, Lila, I’m quite impressed by how much you just opened up. I’m also quite proud because that is something you’d only hinted at in our past sessions.” Darren’s words pulled our attention away from one another and put it back on him.
“We’re going to do a little experiment. I’m going to leave the room. Nathan, you’re going to kiss her and show her with your body how much you worship and adore her. And when she feels safe, you tell her something she doesn’t already know about you. Something about Grace, or the baby, or about your fears.” Darren turned to me. “After he’s done that, I want you think about how you feel. If it feels right, share something with him. If it doesn’t, then show him with your body how you feel about him, and don’t worry about your past for a few moments. He needs to know you love him.”
Nathan nodded. “I do need to know that, so much.” His tone was heartbreaking, and I felt on the verge of a yet another crying jag.
“And, Nathan, Lila needs your reassurance and your affections.”
He left the room, and I waited, unsure of how to proceed. Was it going to be awkward to kiss and hug under our therapist’s direction?
“Lila, I’ll say it again. I will do anything to have you trust me again.”
My breath stuck in my throat. He wasn’t doing what Darren asked. He wasn’t kissing me or hugging me. But it was what I needed to hear before I could allow him to touch me. What Darren didn’t know was Nathan could read me. He knew what I had to have to feel secure in him.
“I’m beyond sorry for making you feel even the slightest bit as if I didn’t want you this past week. It was never my intention. I got caught up inside my own head. I love you, so much. I want to make this all work, but I’m also so scared of what could happen to you by being with me. I don’t want it to rule my life’s decisions and feelings any longer. I want us together; I want us happy and healthy. No more masks, just Lila and Nathan.”
Darren may have been wrong about how he instructed Nathan, but he was absolutely right about me. I didn’t have the words, but my mouth needed to show him what he meant to me. So, I kissed him for all I was worth.
He responded, moaning into the kiss. The invisible wall we had put between us was gone for the moment.
No one seemed embarrassed when Darren returned, and he didn’t ask for details. “Feel better?”
Nathan smiled. “Much.”
“Emotionally we all feel like children at times. I have a little trick I do with families who come to me with kids. I tell the child when they feel sick inside or hurt to say a few simple words to their parents. Want to know what it is?”
“Yes.” I was sitting on the edge of my seat like he held the magic answer to my problems.
“I tell them to say to their parent, ‘I need lovey hugs’ and then their parent has to give it to them no questions asked. It’s a safe zone where they can get love before they figure out what the problem is. You can’t open up to each other if you’re scared. Trust has to be established first.” He smiled with a kindness that made me feel reverent and almost idolize Dr. Morgenson in that moment.
“You don’t have to use those particular words since they’re very simple and childlike, but maybe you could find your own keywords together, to let the other person know it’s important they drop what they’re doing and give you some physical affection. But afterward, like with sex, you have to share something about why you needed it. Otherwise the person who gave it will feel rejected. Make sense?”
It seemed a steep price to pay, but I was willing to try it, so I agreed.
We ended the session by talking about what we needed to tackle on our next couple’s session. Nathan seemed calmed, relaxed. I felt a little torn; I wanted to believe we’d made progress, but anxious and worried this wouldn’t work.
