“Air. I need air.” His fist was grabbing at his chest. His anxiety and panic was infectious as it rolled off him.
“You blamed Grace in some way for being unable to carry your child. Did you know you told me that in a session once?” Darren asked. Nathan stopped, his feet glued to his spot. “You used work to escape your guilt and the anger you felt toward her, the miscarriages.”
“I loved my wife, and now she’s dead because of me! I still love her. I love my little boy and all the others we lost so early on.”
I knew Nathan would always love her, and I would never ask him to forget about her. That being said, it still stung when he so adamantly called out he loved her in the present tense.
“Each of them is a weight on your shoulders.” Darren’s sympathetic tone suggested he knew it was Nathan’s greatest hurdle.
Nathan’s fingers tangled into his shirt at his stomach. “They were my responsibility and I…I failed them!”
It tore at my heart to see him so distraught. But like everything else about him, his agony was staggering in its strength.
“I’m hearing a reoccurring theme here. You keep referring to Grace as ‘my wife.’ Isn’t that a bit unfair to Lila? Shouldn’t she hold the top spot? You refer to her as ‘your Lila’ but not ‘my girlfriend.’ Curious, is there a reason behind that? Do you want Lila to be your wife?”
I scrunched my brow and looked up at Nathan who was staring wide-eyed at Darren.
“Hmm, that’s interesting,” he mumbled to himself and scribbled on his note pad.
I didn’t know what he saw in Nathan’s look, but the smile on Darren’s face reassured me it was good.
“Why?” I asked for both me and Nathan, wondering what Darren saw in his reaction.
“How would you feel if Lila compared you to Andrew every day? Told you how she loves him? The times they shared together? How he was there for her when she had no one? How he cared for her and nurtured her?”
Nathan’s whole body tensed at his words. “I would f**king loathe it; I wouldn’t be able to deal with it.”
“My point.”
Recognition dawned in Nathan’s eyes. Darren made Nathan start referring to Grace by her name instead of “my wife.” He didn’t want to be harsh about it, but it came across that way when he explained they had promised till death do we part and she was, in fact, dead. He continued that Nathan was holding on by doing this, and it could be hurtful to “his” Lila if it continued.
Darren moved on to Nathan’s constant companion; his fear of the Marconi. Not for him, but for those he loved, myself included.
“I’m so f**king scared. I can’t let them hurt any of you. If Lila, or Erin and Trent, or my parents, Alec and Brennan… I couldn’t take it. I don’t want anyone else hurt because of me.”
Darren nodded. “This anxiety you have, I know it’s based on real threats to you, but the problem is you are letting it rule your life and your future.”
“How can I let go knowing they’ll always be watching me? How do I let go and move on, let Lila be anywhere near me, knowing that?” Nathan asked. I reached out and slipped my hand in his. He gave a light squeeze.
“It’s her decision.”
Nathan’s anxiety was rising again. The whole session had been such a push and pull, Nathan kept struggling, building walls and breaking them down at the same time and so fast I was having trouble keeping up.
“It’s the things my dreams and nightmares are made of.”
“Why is that?” Darren asked.
“Because, they’re always of her. My dreams turn to poison. Wonderful visions, happiness, which turns to terror.”
“We’ll work on that. It will get better, but it’s going to take some time.”
Then Dr. Morgenson’s gaze turned to me, and I felt the knots twisting in my stomach. My turn.
“You need to voice yourself. Your opinions and feelings do matter, Lila. You need to tell him what’s bothering you. How do you feel? How did Nathan’s pulling away affect you? Did his actions trigger anything?”
I didn’t like that the attention had shifted to me, but what choice did I have? It wasn’t only about me; it was about us. I braced myself, unsure of what might come flooding out.
“What part of your past is still haunting you and won’t let you move forward?”
I froze as the words spun around in my head. My whole body tensed, and I shrank down into the couch.
“Stop,” Nathan whispered into my ear. He was staring down at me, anger burning in his eyes.
“The words,” I said, my eyes locked on Nathan’s. “Over and over and over. Telling me how worthless I am. Telling me how no one will ever want me.”
“What about physically?” Darren asked.
I flinched.
“She had some sort of episode the other day.”
I turned to Nathan. “Will you tell me what happened?”
Nathan looked away, his jaw clenching in aggravation. “I can’t help but wonder how often that happens to you when no one is around.”
“What happened to Lila?” Dr. Morgenson asked.
Nathan shook his head. “I don’t know. I came home to find Erin trying to shake her awake. She was screaming, blocking her face from some invisible attacker.”
“What was she saying?”
I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to know. But I knew I needed to.
“She was begging for someone to stop. ‘Please, stop, please. I won’t tell, please stop,’” he recounted, anguish and anger in his expression, tears filling his eyes. “I didn’t know what to do. I’d never seen her like that, so unresponsive. It was like she was in her own world.”
Tears pricked my eyes. Without speaking I pulled Nathan’s hand to my left side and watched his eyes widen in remembrance of the conversation we’d once had. I then passed his hand over my forearm, near my wrist, then my hand, and finally my pinky finger that was crooked compared to the others.
“I had a concussion, as well. They waited until I passed out to take me to the hospital where they told the doctor that ‘clumsy Lila’ fell out in the woods onto some rocks. I told the doctor that wasn’t right, but they said I wasn’t remembering correctly due to the concussion. They waved it off, believing my father’s recount. The bruises to show different didn’t form until later that day.”
“You blamed Grace in some way for being unable to carry your child. Did you know you told me that in a session once?” Darren asked. Nathan stopped, his feet glued to his spot. “You used work to escape your guilt and the anger you felt toward her, the miscarriages.”
“I loved my wife, and now she’s dead because of me! I still love her. I love my little boy and all the others we lost so early on.”
I knew Nathan would always love her, and I would never ask him to forget about her. That being said, it still stung when he so adamantly called out he loved her in the present tense.
“Each of them is a weight on your shoulders.” Darren’s sympathetic tone suggested he knew it was Nathan’s greatest hurdle.
Nathan’s fingers tangled into his shirt at his stomach. “They were my responsibility and I…I failed them!”
It tore at my heart to see him so distraught. But like everything else about him, his agony was staggering in its strength.
“I’m hearing a reoccurring theme here. You keep referring to Grace as ‘my wife.’ Isn’t that a bit unfair to Lila? Shouldn’t she hold the top spot? You refer to her as ‘your Lila’ but not ‘my girlfriend.’ Curious, is there a reason behind that? Do you want Lila to be your wife?”
I scrunched my brow and looked up at Nathan who was staring wide-eyed at Darren.
“Hmm, that’s interesting,” he mumbled to himself and scribbled on his note pad.
I didn’t know what he saw in Nathan’s look, but the smile on Darren’s face reassured me it was good.
“Why?” I asked for both me and Nathan, wondering what Darren saw in his reaction.
“How would you feel if Lila compared you to Andrew every day? Told you how she loves him? The times they shared together? How he was there for her when she had no one? How he cared for her and nurtured her?”
Nathan’s whole body tensed at his words. “I would f**king loathe it; I wouldn’t be able to deal with it.”
“My point.”
Recognition dawned in Nathan’s eyes. Darren made Nathan start referring to Grace by her name instead of “my wife.” He didn’t want to be harsh about it, but it came across that way when he explained they had promised till death do we part and she was, in fact, dead. He continued that Nathan was holding on by doing this, and it could be hurtful to “his” Lila if it continued.
Darren moved on to Nathan’s constant companion; his fear of the Marconi. Not for him, but for those he loved, myself included.
“I’m so f**king scared. I can’t let them hurt any of you. If Lila, or Erin and Trent, or my parents, Alec and Brennan… I couldn’t take it. I don’t want anyone else hurt because of me.”
Darren nodded. “This anxiety you have, I know it’s based on real threats to you, but the problem is you are letting it rule your life and your future.”
“How can I let go knowing they’ll always be watching me? How do I let go and move on, let Lila be anywhere near me, knowing that?” Nathan asked. I reached out and slipped my hand in his. He gave a light squeeze.
“It’s her decision.”
Nathan’s anxiety was rising again. The whole session had been such a push and pull, Nathan kept struggling, building walls and breaking them down at the same time and so fast I was having trouble keeping up.
“It’s the things my dreams and nightmares are made of.”
“Why is that?” Darren asked.
“Because, they’re always of her. My dreams turn to poison. Wonderful visions, happiness, which turns to terror.”
“We’ll work on that. It will get better, but it’s going to take some time.”
Then Dr. Morgenson’s gaze turned to me, and I felt the knots twisting in my stomach. My turn.
“You need to voice yourself. Your opinions and feelings do matter, Lila. You need to tell him what’s bothering you. How do you feel? How did Nathan’s pulling away affect you? Did his actions trigger anything?”
I didn’t like that the attention had shifted to me, but what choice did I have? It wasn’t only about me; it was about us. I braced myself, unsure of what might come flooding out.
“What part of your past is still haunting you and won’t let you move forward?”
I froze as the words spun around in my head. My whole body tensed, and I shrank down into the couch.
“Stop,” Nathan whispered into my ear. He was staring down at me, anger burning in his eyes.
“The words,” I said, my eyes locked on Nathan’s. “Over and over and over. Telling me how worthless I am. Telling me how no one will ever want me.”
“What about physically?” Darren asked.
I flinched.
“She had some sort of episode the other day.”
I turned to Nathan. “Will you tell me what happened?”
Nathan looked away, his jaw clenching in aggravation. “I can’t help but wonder how often that happens to you when no one is around.”
“What happened to Lila?” Dr. Morgenson asked.
Nathan shook his head. “I don’t know. I came home to find Erin trying to shake her awake. She was screaming, blocking her face from some invisible attacker.”
“What was she saying?”
I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to know. But I knew I needed to.
“She was begging for someone to stop. ‘Please, stop, please. I won’t tell, please stop,’” he recounted, anguish and anger in his expression, tears filling his eyes. “I didn’t know what to do. I’d never seen her like that, so unresponsive. It was like she was in her own world.”
Tears pricked my eyes. Without speaking I pulled Nathan’s hand to my left side and watched his eyes widen in remembrance of the conversation we’d once had. I then passed his hand over my forearm, near my wrist, then my hand, and finally my pinky finger that was crooked compared to the others.
“I had a concussion, as well. They waited until I passed out to take me to the hospital where they told the doctor that ‘clumsy Lila’ fell out in the woods onto some rocks. I told the doctor that wasn’t right, but they said I wasn’t remembering correctly due to the concussion. They waved it off, believing my father’s recount. The bruises to show different didn’t form until later that day.”
