A few hours passed when we heard him return, his body still visibly tense and more so when he saw Caroline. White powder clung to his hair and body, and I knew where he’d been and what he’d done.
There were more holes in his walls. He was going to hurt himself soon if he kept handling his anger that way. But what could I do?
Caroline pursed her lips and stood, arms crossed over her chest. “Can I speak to you for a moment?”
They walked outside the bedroom and shut the door. Muffled yelling filtered in, a word here, a word there, but not much I could distinguish. A few minutes later, they walked in, Caroline sitting on the edge near my head, her fingers stroking at my hair line.
“Lila, I think he needs to leave,” Caroline said. I nodded, unable to look at him. “I’ve got her. Get out.”
“If that’s what you want, Lila.” His voice resigned.
I stared at the ceiling. I didn’t stop him. He needed to figure things out for himself as I wouldn’t be offering up my body as sacrifice to his anger. Better if a wall didn’t survive the night than me.
CHAPTER 10
“Okay,” Darren began, his gaze hard as he looked between the two of us. “Will someone tell me what has happened over the last week that caused this?” His hand motioned between the two of us, pointing out the obvious rift.
I lost it. All of the emotions I’d been holding back from Nathan’s view came flooding out. I sobbed into my hands, and it was the first time in almost a week Nathan touched me. His fingers brushed against my arm before he drew back. The motion only made me sob harder.
“What the hell was that, Nathan?” Dr. Morgenson asked in annoyance.
“He doesn’t want me!” I cried, removing my hands from my eyes. “I asked him why he couldn’t let her go, and ever since then, he’s ignored me! He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t touch me. He’s angry all the time and looks at me with disgust. I want to tell him to leave then, if he doesn’t want to be here…but…I…”
A new wave of sobs took over my entire body, and I began to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I’d never cried like that. Ever. Crying gave them power over me, and Nathan already had more than enough.
Darren was staring at me, shocked. His head moved to look at Nathan, and the surprise was evident on his face; I couldn’t help but look, as well. In a tentative motion my head turned, and I saw the utter look of pain and horror etched into Nathan’s features.
He jumped up from his spot on the couch and began pacing, his hands pulling against his neck. “I felt it was unfair! I was thinking of you.” His movements became erratic as he paced. His fists clenched and unclenched, and I knew he was looking for a wall to punch. “I kept hurting you! Every time I touched you…and then I knew you were wondering if I wished you were her. I can’t take this anymore, Lila!”
He looked tired, defeated, and more worn than I’d ever seen.
“You’re right, Darren’s right, my mother’s right…none of it is fair to you. I’m trying to figure it all out, because what I want most of all is you, and I know we can’t be together until I let go. Let go of her, let go of my guilt. I…I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I can’t do anything right!”
Darren shook his head and leaned back into his chair. “What did I say last time? You need to communicate! This hurt, confusion, pain, could have all been prevented if you had told her. Lila put herself out there, became vulnerable, and you pushed her away. All that we talked about, opening up, sharing; you threw it out the window.”
“Dr. Morgenson?” My voice shook and was so timid, I wondered if he even heard me.
“I’m sorry, Lila. I…he’s like family, and I let my personal feelings overrule me for a moment,” he said then turned back to Nathan. “If you’re not ready to move on with Lila, there are plenty of men that would be honored to have her, and it’s not fair for you to deprive her of the opportunity to have a full and happy life.”
That stopped Nathan dead in his pacing tracks. He shot Darren a death glare, not fazing him in the least. “Not going to f**king happen.”
“Fine, then start talking.”
Nathan turned to me and began to lash out. “What the f**k was going on with you and Andrew this week?”
His question and attitude pissed me off. “What do you care? You won’t even talk to me. You’re pulling away.”
“Why would…how could you even think that? I’m here for you every single f**king day!”
I shook my head as I spoke. “Maybe you are here in a physical presence, but mentally you’ve flown the coop. You built yet another f**king wall between us. It’s like it was in the beginning, but this time I’m not getting anything at all from you!”
“Things were getting better and then you dropped that on me and I… What can I f**king do? Because I can’t seem to do anything right.”
“You were doing everything right. Then you became detached, empty.”
Nathan sighed in defeat, slumping back down on the couch. “I’m always lost in thought. Trying to remember, trying to forget.”
“Good, now you’re communicating,” Darren said, taking over the conversation. “Nathan, let’s talk about your relationship with Grace.” Nathan tensed beside me, clearly uncomfortable where he was heading. “Grace spent quite a bit of time on my couch the last few years of her life. I want to talk about why.”
“Because we f**king lost four babies, that’s why.”
“You don’t remember the toll your job placed on your relationship? You were hardly home.”
Nathan’s brow scrunched as he tried to remember. I could tell he was searching his memory to recall the bad along with the good he remembered with ease.
“Things weren’t perfect, but I loved my wife. Sure, we had fights, like any other married couple. My wife knew my job was important to me. She knew it would take me away from her and our family for long periods of time. I tried to give my wife what she needed: a nice home, nice car…a baby. It’s not my fault she couldn’t…” he trailed off, and I watched as he froze.
I could see him working through the thoughts that assaulted him. He stood and began to walk away.
“Where are you going?” Darren asked him.
There were more holes in his walls. He was going to hurt himself soon if he kept handling his anger that way. But what could I do?
Caroline pursed her lips and stood, arms crossed over her chest. “Can I speak to you for a moment?”
They walked outside the bedroom and shut the door. Muffled yelling filtered in, a word here, a word there, but not much I could distinguish. A few minutes later, they walked in, Caroline sitting on the edge near my head, her fingers stroking at my hair line.
“Lila, I think he needs to leave,” Caroline said. I nodded, unable to look at him. “I’ve got her. Get out.”
“If that’s what you want, Lila.” His voice resigned.
I stared at the ceiling. I didn’t stop him. He needed to figure things out for himself as I wouldn’t be offering up my body as sacrifice to his anger. Better if a wall didn’t survive the night than me.
CHAPTER 10
“Okay,” Darren began, his gaze hard as he looked between the two of us. “Will someone tell me what has happened over the last week that caused this?” His hand motioned between the two of us, pointing out the obvious rift.
I lost it. All of the emotions I’d been holding back from Nathan’s view came flooding out. I sobbed into my hands, and it was the first time in almost a week Nathan touched me. His fingers brushed against my arm before he drew back. The motion only made me sob harder.
“What the hell was that, Nathan?” Dr. Morgenson asked in annoyance.
“He doesn’t want me!” I cried, removing my hands from my eyes. “I asked him why he couldn’t let her go, and ever since then, he’s ignored me! He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t touch me. He’s angry all the time and looks at me with disgust. I want to tell him to leave then, if he doesn’t want to be here…but…I…”
A new wave of sobs took over my entire body, and I began to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I’d never cried like that. Ever. Crying gave them power over me, and Nathan already had more than enough.
Darren was staring at me, shocked. His head moved to look at Nathan, and the surprise was evident on his face; I couldn’t help but look, as well. In a tentative motion my head turned, and I saw the utter look of pain and horror etched into Nathan’s features.
He jumped up from his spot on the couch and began pacing, his hands pulling against his neck. “I felt it was unfair! I was thinking of you.” His movements became erratic as he paced. His fists clenched and unclenched, and I knew he was looking for a wall to punch. “I kept hurting you! Every time I touched you…and then I knew you were wondering if I wished you were her. I can’t take this anymore, Lila!”
He looked tired, defeated, and more worn than I’d ever seen.
“You’re right, Darren’s right, my mother’s right…none of it is fair to you. I’m trying to figure it all out, because what I want most of all is you, and I know we can’t be together until I let go. Let go of her, let go of my guilt. I…I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I can’t do anything right!”
Darren shook his head and leaned back into his chair. “What did I say last time? You need to communicate! This hurt, confusion, pain, could have all been prevented if you had told her. Lila put herself out there, became vulnerable, and you pushed her away. All that we talked about, opening up, sharing; you threw it out the window.”
“Dr. Morgenson?” My voice shook and was so timid, I wondered if he even heard me.
“I’m sorry, Lila. I…he’s like family, and I let my personal feelings overrule me for a moment,” he said then turned back to Nathan. “If you’re not ready to move on with Lila, there are plenty of men that would be honored to have her, and it’s not fair for you to deprive her of the opportunity to have a full and happy life.”
That stopped Nathan dead in his pacing tracks. He shot Darren a death glare, not fazing him in the least. “Not going to f**king happen.”
“Fine, then start talking.”
Nathan turned to me and began to lash out. “What the f**k was going on with you and Andrew this week?”
His question and attitude pissed me off. “What do you care? You won’t even talk to me. You’re pulling away.”
“Why would…how could you even think that? I’m here for you every single f**king day!”
I shook my head as I spoke. “Maybe you are here in a physical presence, but mentally you’ve flown the coop. You built yet another f**king wall between us. It’s like it was in the beginning, but this time I’m not getting anything at all from you!”
“Things were getting better and then you dropped that on me and I… What can I f**king do? Because I can’t seem to do anything right.”
“You were doing everything right. Then you became detached, empty.”
Nathan sighed in defeat, slumping back down on the couch. “I’m always lost in thought. Trying to remember, trying to forget.”
“Good, now you’re communicating,” Darren said, taking over the conversation. “Nathan, let’s talk about your relationship with Grace.” Nathan tensed beside me, clearly uncomfortable where he was heading. “Grace spent quite a bit of time on my couch the last few years of her life. I want to talk about why.”
“Because we f**king lost four babies, that’s why.”
“You don’t remember the toll your job placed on your relationship? You were hardly home.”
Nathan’s brow scrunched as he tried to remember. I could tell he was searching his memory to recall the bad along with the good he remembered with ease.
“Things weren’t perfect, but I loved my wife. Sure, we had fights, like any other married couple. My wife knew my job was important to me. She knew it would take me away from her and our family for long periods of time. I tried to give my wife what she needed: a nice home, nice car…a baby. It’s not my fault she couldn’t…” he trailed off, and I watched as he froze.
I could see him working through the thoughts that assaulted him. He stood and began to walk away.
“Where are you going?” Darren asked him.
