Erica didn’t care. She said so calmly, “Let’s start with an easy one. What’s your name?”
“Jordan Emory.” My heart was trying to pound its way out of my chest, one heartbeat after another. I needed to calm the fuck down.
One breath.
Two.
I closed my eyes and pretended it was only Kian and me, just us two, just like earlier in the day.
I started again, my voice stronger this time as I opened my eyes. “I’ve been hiding as Joslyn Keen for a little under the last three years. I tried to finish my senior year, but couldn’t. I ended up quitting and finishing with my GED.”
“Why did you have to hide?” Erica was subdued.
She was trying to draw me out, but she couldn’t. I had to choose to come out.
My nails dug even further into my chair, but I was trying. I really was. “I had to hide because people hated me.”
“Why—”
I didn’t need her prompting anymore. “Because, a long time ago, a very rich and good-looking boy saved my life. He killed my foster father, but instead of people focusing on what my foster father did or that the rich and handsome boy had to kill him in the first place, they focused on me. They blamed me.”
They blamed the victim.
Erica cleared her throat, fidgeting on her chair. I didn’t know what was making her uncomfortable. I didn’t care.
I kept going, looking right into the camera this time. “My parents died in a car accident when I was little. I wasn’t adopted, so I went from foster home to foster home. It’s the same old system that only foster kids understand. I moved in with Edmund’s family during the summer, and the first part of the year was fine.” I took a breath. Here was the hard part. “Until I got a boyfriend. I had no friends, so when Justin started paying attention to me, I was grateful. Someone cared. Someone was interested.”
Maybe someone would love me.
My voice dropped to a whisper, but I never looked away from that lens. “Edmund didn’t like that I was going out on dates. He and his wife were having problems, and he liked looking at me, but that was all it was. He just watched me.”
I could feel him again. He was in the room. He was seeing me once more, just like back then. He was always there, always waiting, always watching.
I had to stop talking for a moment. My breath hitched in my throat. I pulled my nails out of the chair and smoothed my palms down my jeans to wipe the sweat off there.
“He began drinking, and then he started drinking at work. That led to him being fired, and then he drank every day at home. He would go through a bottle every night. Sometimes more. His wife hid it all. She’d keep him out of the house when the social worker came, not that it was often. It happened more in the beginning, but then not as often toward the end. His wife was nice and warm…to others.” I refused to say her name. My tone hardened. “They had two biological children, who kept the secret, too. None of them talked.”
“What about the day Kian saved you?” Erica leaned forward, resting her elbows on her legs. Her head lowered, her focus so intent on me. “Tell us about that day.”
That day…
I felt myself slipping away. I was in my bedroom again.
I was there, not in the hotel room. I could hear my voice speaking, sounding far away. “I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks earlier. He started to get more and more demanding when we were together. He wouldn’t ask. He would just grab my body whenever he wanted. Edmund would ask me every day if that boy was going to come back again. I told him he wasn’t, that I broke up with him. He was asking me about Justin again that day, but I don’t remember why…”
Wait.
I stopped.
I was reading a book on my bed when the floorboards creaked from outside my door. There was no reason to be scared. Edmund stood outside my door all the time. He never did anything. He never came inside, but that day, I was scared. I knew, somehow I knew, even before he opened the door and came inside. I didn’t remember moving, but then I was at the window.
I was watching it happen again. I was removed from my body, watching from the other side of the window, and it was like that then, too. I was a spectator to what happened.
I watched from where I was safe.
I turned around so that my back pressed to the window. Edmund was inside my room. He was shutting the door. He never shut the door when he came inside. It was always left open. That was one thing his wife insisted on, but he turned the lock on it now.
I reached behind me and held on to the window frame.
I said to Erica, “I was so scared.”
“Tell us what happened. What are you remembering right now?”
I told her as I experienced it again.
He was drinking. I could smell the beer on his breath. His shirt had two beer stains on it, like he’d used it to wipe his face off. His face was sweaty. And, my gaze dipped down, his pants were undone.
There was an added gleam in his eyes. It was twisted and dark, and I knew then. I knew what was going to happen to me.
A switch turned off in my head.
I said, “I didn’t know if I was going to live.” My voice was so quiet now.
“What did you do?”
“I had to get out of there.”
“How?”
I remembered forcing my fingers to let go of the window frame, but I didn’t release it.
I still held on.
The window was locked. Edmund kept every window locked, but there were two locks. One was at the top, and I kept that unlocked out of habit. When he checked the windows, he’d only check the bottom lock. He was too lazy to move the curtain aside to check the top one.
I said, “I unlocked the window behind me, but he was staring right at me.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
I frowned. Had he? It’d been so long since I had to remember this all. “I think…” Wait…I remembered something new. “He came up because I had a phone call.”
“That boy called today.”
“Justin called earlier.” That was why he was in my room. “Edmund was angry with me, saying the same stuff as always.”
“What did he always say?”
“He liked to ramble about my eyes.”
“Your eyes?”
The confusion from Erica pulled me back.
I slipped away from my old bedroom and came back to the hotel room. I was once again sitting in my chair, staring at a camera and a friend, but it felt like they weren’t there. I shivered, feeling Edmund there.
“Jordan Emory.” My heart was trying to pound its way out of my chest, one heartbeat after another. I needed to calm the fuck down.
One breath.
Two.
I closed my eyes and pretended it was only Kian and me, just us two, just like earlier in the day.
I started again, my voice stronger this time as I opened my eyes. “I’ve been hiding as Joslyn Keen for a little under the last three years. I tried to finish my senior year, but couldn’t. I ended up quitting and finishing with my GED.”
“Why did you have to hide?” Erica was subdued.
She was trying to draw me out, but she couldn’t. I had to choose to come out.
My nails dug even further into my chair, but I was trying. I really was. “I had to hide because people hated me.”
“Why—”
I didn’t need her prompting anymore. “Because, a long time ago, a very rich and good-looking boy saved my life. He killed my foster father, but instead of people focusing on what my foster father did or that the rich and handsome boy had to kill him in the first place, they focused on me. They blamed me.”
They blamed the victim.
Erica cleared her throat, fidgeting on her chair. I didn’t know what was making her uncomfortable. I didn’t care.
I kept going, looking right into the camera this time. “My parents died in a car accident when I was little. I wasn’t adopted, so I went from foster home to foster home. It’s the same old system that only foster kids understand. I moved in with Edmund’s family during the summer, and the first part of the year was fine.” I took a breath. Here was the hard part. “Until I got a boyfriend. I had no friends, so when Justin started paying attention to me, I was grateful. Someone cared. Someone was interested.”
Maybe someone would love me.
My voice dropped to a whisper, but I never looked away from that lens. “Edmund didn’t like that I was going out on dates. He and his wife were having problems, and he liked looking at me, but that was all it was. He just watched me.”
I could feel him again. He was in the room. He was seeing me once more, just like back then. He was always there, always waiting, always watching.
I had to stop talking for a moment. My breath hitched in my throat. I pulled my nails out of the chair and smoothed my palms down my jeans to wipe the sweat off there.
“He began drinking, and then he started drinking at work. That led to him being fired, and then he drank every day at home. He would go through a bottle every night. Sometimes more. His wife hid it all. She’d keep him out of the house when the social worker came, not that it was often. It happened more in the beginning, but then not as often toward the end. His wife was nice and warm…to others.” I refused to say her name. My tone hardened. “They had two biological children, who kept the secret, too. None of them talked.”
“What about the day Kian saved you?” Erica leaned forward, resting her elbows on her legs. Her head lowered, her focus so intent on me. “Tell us about that day.”
That day…
I felt myself slipping away. I was in my bedroom again.
I was there, not in the hotel room. I could hear my voice speaking, sounding far away. “I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks earlier. He started to get more and more demanding when we were together. He wouldn’t ask. He would just grab my body whenever he wanted. Edmund would ask me every day if that boy was going to come back again. I told him he wasn’t, that I broke up with him. He was asking me about Justin again that day, but I don’t remember why…”
Wait.
I stopped.
I was reading a book on my bed when the floorboards creaked from outside my door. There was no reason to be scared. Edmund stood outside my door all the time. He never did anything. He never came inside, but that day, I was scared. I knew, somehow I knew, even before he opened the door and came inside. I didn’t remember moving, but then I was at the window.
I was watching it happen again. I was removed from my body, watching from the other side of the window, and it was like that then, too. I was a spectator to what happened.
I watched from where I was safe.
I turned around so that my back pressed to the window. Edmund was inside my room. He was shutting the door. He never shut the door when he came inside. It was always left open. That was one thing his wife insisted on, but he turned the lock on it now.
I reached behind me and held on to the window frame.
I said to Erica, “I was so scared.”
“Tell us what happened. What are you remembering right now?”
I told her as I experienced it again.
He was drinking. I could smell the beer on his breath. His shirt had two beer stains on it, like he’d used it to wipe his face off. His face was sweaty. And, my gaze dipped down, his pants were undone.
There was an added gleam in his eyes. It was twisted and dark, and I knew then. I knew what was going to happen to me.
A switch turned off in my head.
I said, “I didn’t know if I was going to live.” My voice was so quiet now.
“What did you do?”
“I had to get out of there.”
“How?”
I remembered forcing my fingers to let go of the window frame, but I didn’t release it.
I still held on.
The window was locked. Edmund kept every window locked, but there were two locks. One was at the top, and I kept that unlocked out of habit. When he checked the windows, he’d only check the bottom lock. He was too lazy to move the curtain aside to check the top one.
I said, “I unlocked the window behind me, but he was staring right at me.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
I frowned. Had he? It’d been so long since I had to remember this all. “I think…” Wait…I remembered something new. “He came up because I had a phone call.”
“That boy called today.”
“Justin called earlier.” That was why he was in my room. “Edmund was angry with me, saying the same stuff as always.”
“What did he always say?”
“He liked to ramble about my eyes.”
“Your eyes?”
The confusion from Erica pulled me back.
I slipped away from my old bedroom and came back to the hotel room. I was once again sitting in my chair, staring at a camera and a friend, but it felt like they weren’t there. I shivered, feeling Edmund there.
