Laces and Lace
Page 153
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“You can’t have kids?” he asked, but she shook her head, covering her mouth and leaving the kitchen. “That’s different, Lacey. Talk to me,” he said, taking ahold of her bicep and stopping her. “Don’t walk away from me. Talk to me.”
As she looked up at him, his heart went in his throat. She was suffering and he didn’t know what to do. Did he allow her to walk away and leave it alone? No, he couldn’t. He had to know. “Talk to me.”
Biting into her lip, she searched his eyes and then asked, “You really want kids badly, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he answered with a nod, and her tears came faster as she shut her eyes. “But I want to know why you don’t. Or can you not? Tell me something here.”
“I can have them; I just refuse to,” she said through her tears, sniffling before wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
“Why? Tell me why,” he urged. “Why are you holding this back? It’s me!”
He could feel her heartbeat from where he was holding her arm. She was working her lip as she stared up into his eyes and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what was happening, but he could see the light leaving her eyes, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t grasp what was going on.
“I’m afraid you’re going to leave me,” she whispered, her tears rolling down her lips. “Or that you’ll stay and be miserable.”
Taking ahold of her shoulders, he almost shook her as he said, “I’m not going any-fucking-where. Tell me what the hell is going on.”
Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath, and he could see the tears caught on her eyelashes. Her face was red, her nose running, and he could practically feel her shaking. Opening her eyes, she met his gaze and said, “If we have a girl, she could get cancer. Like I did.”
His heart stopped. While he had never thought of that, he could see why this would worry her. “Okay, that’s understandable, but we could also have a boy or a girl who doesn’t have the genetic mutation. You don’t know. You can’t predict the future.”
“I don’t care. I refuse to do that to our child. I’m not having kids, Karson. Never.”
He stared into her eyes, not sure what to say. This was a sensitive subject, something he didn’t know anything about because he didn’t go through that. He didn’t know the fear, the pain, and the pure hell Lacey went through. He’d heard the stories; he held her when she cried. He’d made it his life goal to make sure she knew she was every bit a woman, and a gorgeous one at that, but he didn’t know what it did mentally to someone.
“So you won’t even consider it? Even though we have no clue what the future holds. They could find a cure,” he suggested, but still she shook her head.
“No. I’m not having any kids.”
Wiping her face, she stepped out of his grasp and let out a breath. He understood this was a tough subject and she had every right to feel this way, but what about what he wanted? He wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but shit, he wanted kids, and she was basically shutting him down without even considering the possibilities. Looking at her, he couldn’t really fathom this.
“You won’t even consider it for me?” he asked and she shook her head.
“I know you want kids, and I am sorry, but I can’t give them to you. I refuse to put my child through what I went through. I won’t do it.”
“Okay,” he said slowly, looking down at the ground. “What about—”
But before he could even finish his sentence, she said, “Karson, I’m fucking not having any damn kids, and if this is a deal-breaker, then it is, and I’ll pack my shit and go.”
“Whoa, slow your damn roll,” he said, a little taken aback by her outburst.
“No! You are pushing this on me and acting just like my fucking dad. I am tired of people telling me what I should do. I make my own decisions, and I’m not having kids!”
“But that’s the thing, this isn’t just your decision, it’s mine too. It’s my future too.”
“No, it’s my choice. I make the decision, and you get no damn say at all,” she snapped, wiping her face as her eyes burned with anger. “It’s my fucked-up body with its fucked-up mutation that can ruin our daughter’s life! I refuse to do it, Karson! Just say the word and I’m gone.”
He fucking hated that cancer. He’d despised it before, but even more so now. It had ruined his beautiful wife’s sense of self-worth, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. But one thing was sure, he was pissed. As he glared, he shook his head. “I’m not saying any word, Lacey. I am trying to talk to you about this, and you are flying off the damn handle!”
“No! You are trying to make me do something I don’t want, and I won’t allow you. You keep telling me that I allow people to manipulate me, and that’s what you are trying to do. They won’t find a cure! If they could, they would have already, and then I wouldn’t watch women suffer every damn day. I wouldn’t have lost my breasts, I wouldn’t have felt like I was worthless, and I wouldn’t have thought when you left it was because I was defective. But I am defective! I can’t give you want you want, and I know that deep down inside, you don’t want me. Just like before. I know it was my dad’s doing, but you were going to realize it. It was bound to happen.”
As she looked up at him, his heart went in his throat. She was suffering and he didn’t know what to do. Did he allow her to walk away and leave it alone? No, he couldn’t. He had to know. “Talk to me.”
Biting into her lip, she searched his eyes and then asked, “You really want kids badly, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he answered with a nod, and her tears came faster as she shut her eyes. “But I want to know why you don’t. Or can you not? Tell me something here.”
“I can have them; I just refuse to,” she said through her tears, sniffling before wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
“Why? Tell me why,” he urged. “Why are you holding this back? It’s me!”
He could feel her heartbeat from where he was holding her arm. She was working her lip as she stared up into his eyes and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what was happening, but he could see the light leaving her eyes, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t grasp what was going on.
“I’m afraid you’re going to leave me,” she whispered, her tears rolling down her lips. “Or that you’ll stay and be miserable.”
Taking ahold of her shoulders, he almost shook her as he said, “I’m not going any-fucking-where. Tell me what the hell is going on.”
Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath, and he could see the tears caught on her eyelashes. Her face was red, her nose running, and he could practically feel her shaking. Opening her eyes, she met his gaze and said, “If we have a girl, she could get cancer. Like I did.”
His heart stopped. While he had never thought of that, he could see why this would worry her. “Okay, that’s understandable, but we could also have a boy or a girl who doesn’t have the genetic mutation. You don’t know. You can’t predict the future.”
“I don’t care. I refuse to do that to our child. I’m not having kids, Karson. Never.”
He stared into her eyes, not sure what to say. This was a sensitive subject, something he didn’t know anything about because he didn’t go through that. He didn’t know the fear, the pain, and the pure hell Lacey went through. He’d heard the stories; he held her when she cried. He’d made it his life goal to make sure she knew she was every bit a woman, and a gorgeous one at that, but he didn’t know what it did mentally to someone.
“So you won’t even consider it? Even though we have no clue what the future holds. They could find a cure,” he suggested, but still she shook her head.
“No. I’m not having any kids.”
Wiping her face, she stepped out of his grasp and let out a breath. He understood this was a tough subject and she had every right to feel this way, but what about what he wanted? He wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but shit, he wanted kids, and she was basically shutting him down without even considering the possibilities. Looking at her, he couldn’t really fathom this.
“You won’t even consider it for me?” he asked and she shook her head.
“I know you want kids, and I am sorry, but I can’t give them to you. I refuse to put my child through what I went through. I won’t do it.”
“Okay,” he said slowly, looking down at the ground. “What about—”
But before he could even finish his sentence, she said, “Karson, I’m fucking not having any damn kids, and if this is a deal-breaker, then it is, and I’ll pack my shit and go.”
“Whoa, slow your damn roll,” he said, a little taken aback by her outburst.
“No! You are pushing this on me and acting just like my fucking dad. I am tired of people telling me what I should do. I make my own decisions, and I’m not having kids!”
“But that’s the thing, this isn’t just your decision, it’s mine too. It’s my future too.”
“No, it’s my choice. I make the decision, and you get no damn say at all,” she snapped, wiping her face as her eyes burned with anger. “It’s my fucked-up body with its fucked-up mutation that can ruin our daughter’s life! I refuse to do it, Karson! Just say the word and I’m gone.”
He fucking hated that cancer. He’d despised it before, but even more so now. It had ruined his beautiful wife’s sense of self-worth, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. But one thing was sure, he was pissed. As he glared, he shook his head. “I’m not saying any word, Lacey. I am trying to talk to you about this, and you are flying off the damn handle!”
“No! You are trying to make me do something I don’t want, and I won’t allow you. You keep telling me that I allow people to manipulate me, and that’s what you are trying to do. They won’t find a cure! If they could, they would have already, and then I wouldn’t watch women suffer every damn day. I wouldn’t have lost my breasts, I wouldn’t have felt like I was worthless, and I wouldn’t have thought when you left it was because I was defective. But I am defective! I can’t give you want you want, and I know that deep down inside, you don’t want me. Just like before. I know it was my dad’s doing, but you were going to realize it. It was bound to happen.”
