“Tate,” he answered.
Right. Of course. His bounty hunter friend.
Scratch Tate off my Christmas list.
“We gotta talk,” he said gently.
“Nothing to talk about,” I replied.
“You know there is, baby.” He was still talking gently. It was nice. I’d heard him be gentle. I’d heard him be soft. I’d heard him be sweet. I’d heard him be quiet. But none of them were as gentle, soft, sweet and quiet as the way he was now.
But it didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered anymore. When shit mattered, it could hurt you.
So nothing mattered anymore and I was determined to keep it that way.
“No, there isn’t,” I told him.
His arms gave me another squeeze, “Lexie –”
I cut him off. “Unless you brought the divorce papers. You said you’d deal and all I had to do is sign. Is that why you’re here?”
His arms tightened on the words “divorce papers” but they didn’t loosen even after I was done speaking.
And his answer was instantaneous.
“No it f**kin’ is not.”
“Then you wasted a trip.”
“Lexie, baby, listen to me.”
“Think you said enough.”
His tight arms gave me a gentle shake. “I was pissed –”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“Babe,” another gentle shake, “listen to me.”
I fell silent. The sooner he did what he had to do the better. Then he would be gone and it would just be me and the sea.
He waited a second then he went on, “You know why I was pissed.”
I didn’t reply.
“Five years of my life, Lexie.”
I still didn’t reply.
“I lost it. Pissed and powerless, the Carnal PD wanted to play with my woman, I had no play of my own. Been powerless a long time too, Lex, man like me, any man, f**k, baby, any woman loses their power, it does not f**kin’ feel good. And there I was, they were f**kin’ with you, I could hear your fear on the goddamned phone and I had not one, single, f**kin’ play. I went to Tate to calm my ass down so I didn’t do somethin’ stupid and really lose you and he decides to lay it out for me, what he’s been doin’, how you instigated that shit. I lost my mind. It wasn’t smart, it wasn’t right, too much comin’ at me at once, I acted out, f**ked up and hurt you again. But all that, you gotta know from all you do know, was understandable.”
“You’re right,” I told him.
A hesitation filled with surprise then, “Come again?”
“You’re right. I figured that all out right away and you’re right. It’s understandable.”
Ty was silent.
I decided I was done.
“The thing you don’t understand is, I’m used up, Ty. I am so done. And that, well, that used up the last I had.”
His arms tightened again and his legs pressed in, pulling me deeper into him all around.
“Lexie –”
I interrupted him. “My parents were crackheads, I was born addicted. Did you know that?” I asked and didn’t wait for an answer. “No. You didn’t. I don’t talk about it, I didn’t do it but still, it’s embarrassing. Baby born in a crackhouse addicted to crack. That was me. I made the papers just being born. Bad luck right off the bat. Luck so bad, it hit the papers day one I was on this earth. And Lady Luck wasn’t done. I told you my Mom OD’ed. And I told you she never held me. They took me away from her and she didn’t even notice, never came back to take a shot, never came back to see her baby, never came just to hold me. She probably held a million crack pipes to her mouth but she never held her baby. Not once. I also told you my Dad got killed by a loan shark, owed so many people for the dope he was smoking, he went to a loan shark and then couldn’t pay him. My grandfather hated him so much, he’d never let my Dad see me and he never did see me, my Dad didn’t. Then again, he never even tried. Then there was Granddad, you know all about him being a dick. My first boyfriend a pimp. His drug dealer best friend used me as an errand girl.” I shook my head. “I’m done. So f**king done. I have no more to give. And you. You need to find a woman who’s got a lot to give, see you through, whatever f**ked up shit you decide to do, find a woman who’s got what it takes to stand by you.”
“I’m playin’ it Tate’s way,” he told me and my heart leaped.
But I didn’t let on.
Three week crash course in pokerface and I found I was a natural.
“Good,” I replied immediately but emotionlessly. “I’m glad for you. That’s smart.”
He responded to my tone or, more accurately, his body did and I knew this when I felt it go still all around me.
Then he whispered, “Lexie –” but I cut him off again.
“Ty, just go. This is done. It’s done. It was done the first time you told me my pu**y came with a chain but that used to be me, thinking Lady Luck would eventually smile at me. She doesn’t. She hasn’t. She never will. I’m her favorite toy. Keep sticking my hand out hoping to grasp onto something good and she keeps slapping it. That shit stings. Not gonna stick my hand out there.”
His body again moved, drew me deeper and he started, “Mama –” but I didn’t let him continue.
“Tate found me, he can find Ella. You get the divorce papers to her; she’ll get them to me. I’ll give you one last thing, Ty, my signature but that’s the last thing you, or anyone, gets out of me.”
His head moved, his chin pulling my hair back then his mouth found my ear and he whispered, “Baby, please, God, just please f**kin’ listen to me.”
And that’s when I lost it. I couldn’t take much more. Not without breaking and I couldn’t break again. The last one left too many scars, too many wounds that didn’t heal in a way I knew they never would. I couldn’t be torn apart again. There was no way in hell I’d survive it.
So I lost it.
But a different way.
“Just go,” I hissed. “Fuck, Ty, if I make the decision that I want to just be, can’t I just f**king be without all this f**king bullshit? My grandfather controlled my life and with that, I had no choice. Then Ronnie did and with that, I did but did I make the right choice? No. Then Shift controlled it and my choices were limited but I still didn’t make the right ones. Can you give me one f**king thing in this nightmare and let me make my own f**king choice?”
Right. Of course. His bounty hunter friend.
Scratch Tate off my Christmas list.
“We gotta talk,” he said gently.
“Nothing to talk about,” I replied.
“You know there is, baby.” He was still talking gently. It was nice. I’d heard him be gentle. I’d heard him be soft. I’d heard him be sweet. I’d heard him be quiet. But none of them were as gentle, soft, sweet and quiet as the way he was now.
But it didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered anymore. When shit mattered, it could hurt you.
So nothing mattered anymore and I was determined to keep it that way.
“No, there isn’t,” I told him.
His arms gave me another squeeze, “Lexie –”
I cut him off. “Unless you brought the divorce papers. You said you’d deal and all I had to do is sign. Is that why you’re here?”
His arms tightened on the words “divorce papers” but they didn’t loosen even after I was done speaking.
And his answer was instantaneous.
“No it f**kin’ is not.”
“Then you wasted a trip.”
“Lexie, baby, listen to me.”
“Think you said enough.”
His tight arms gave me a gentle shake. “I was pissed –”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“Babe,” another gentle shake, “listen to me.”
I fell silent. The sooner he did what he had to do the better. Then he would be gone and it would just be me and the sea.
He waited a second then he went on, “You know why I was pissed.”
I didn’t reply.
“Five years of my life, Lexie.”
I still didn’t reply.
“I lost it. Pissed and powerless, the Carnal PD wanted to play with my woman, I had no play of my own. Been powerless a long time too, Lex, man like me, any man, f**k, baby, any woman loses their power, it does not f**kin’ feel good. And there I was, they were f**kin’ with you, I could hear your fear on the goddamned phone and I had not one, single, f**kin’ play. I went to Tate to calm my ass down so I didn’t do somethin’ stupid and really lose you and he decides to lay it out for me, what he’s been doin’, how you instigated that shit. I lost my mind. It wasn’t smart, it wasn’t right, too much comin’ at me at once, I acted out, f**ked up and hurt you again. But all that, you gotta know from all you do know, was understandable.”
“You’re right,” I told him.
A hesitation filled with surprise then, “Come again?”
“You’re right. I figured that all out right away and you’re right. It’s understandable.”
Ty was silent.
I decided I was done.
“The thing you don’t understand is, I’m used up, Ty. I am so done. And that, well, that used up the last I had.”
His arms tightened again and his legs pressed in, pulling me deeper into him all around.
“Lexie –”
I interrupted him. “My parents were crackheads, I was born addicted. Did you know that?” I asked and didn’t wait for an answer. “No. You didn’t. I don’t talk about it, I didn’t do it but still, it’s embarrassing. Baby born in a crackhouse addicted to crack. That was me. I made the papers just being born. Bad luck right off the bat. Luck so bad, it hit the papers day one I was on this earth. And Lady Luck wasn’t done. I told you my Mom OD’ed. And I told you she never held me. They took me away from her and she didn’t even notice, never came back to take a shot, never came back to see her baby, never came just to hold me. She probably held a million crack pipes to her mouth but she never held her baby. Not once. I also told you my Dad got killed by a loan shark, owed so many people for the dope he was smoking, he went to a loan shark and then couldn’t pay him. My grandfather hated him so much, he’d never let my Dad see me and he never did see me, my Dad didn’t. Then again, he never even tried. Then there was Granddad, you know all about him being a dick. My first boyfriend a pimp. His drug dealer best friend used me as an errand girl.” I shook my head. “I’m done. So f**king done. I have no more to give. And you. You need to find a woman who’s got a lot to give, see you through, whatever f**ked up shit you decide to do, find a woman who’s got what it takes to stand by you.”
“I’m playin’ it Tate’s way,” he told me and my heart leaped.
But I didn’t let on.
Three week crash course in pokerface and I found I was a natural.
“Good,” I replied immediately but emotionlessly. “I’m glad for you. That’s smart.”
He responded to my tone or, more accurately, his body did and I knew this when I felt it go still all around me.
Then he whispered, “Lexie –” but I cut him off again.
“Ty, just go. This is done. It’s done. It was done the first time you told me my pu**y came with a chain but that used to be me, thinking Lady Luck would eventually smile at me. She doesn’t. She hasn’t. She never will. I’m her favorite toy. Keep sticking my hand out hoping to grasp onto something good and she keeps slapping it. That shit stings. Not gonna stick my hand out there.”
His body again moved, drew me deeper and he started, “Mama –” but I didn’t let him continue.
“Tate found me, he can find Ella. You get the divorce papers to her; she’ll get them to me. I’ll give you one last thing, Ty, my signature but that’s the last thing you, or anyone, gets out of me.”
His head moved, his chin pulling my hair back then his mouth found my ear and he whispered, “Baby, please, God, just please f**kin’ listen to me.”
And that’s when I lost it. I couldn’t take much more. Not without breaking and I couldn’t break again. The last one left too many scars, too many wounds that didn’t heal in a way I knew they never would. I couldn’t be torn apart again. There was no way in hell I’d survive it.
So I lost it.
But a different way.
“Just go,” I hissed. “Fuck, Ty, if I make the decision that I want to just be, can’t I just f**king be without all this f**king bullshit? My grandfather controlled my life and with that, I had no choice. Then Ronnie did and with that, I did but did I make the right choice? No. Then Shift controlled it and my choices were limited but I still didn’t make the right ones. Can you give me one f**king thing in this nightmare and let me make my own f**king choice?”
