“You’re not alone. You’re with me. And with Todd. Let us help you.”
“There’s no more alone. You don’t have to face this mountain of grief by yourself. Let us be here for you.” Todd’s heart broke as he watched her, knew she was beating herself up.
“I should be grieving! My baby was murdered and I forgot!”
Ben shook his head, hard. “No you did not. We just talked about this two weeks ago, which you’d remember if you stopped beating yourself up over it. You never forget. She’s part of you. Part of us too, because we love you, because of Alexander, who is Adele’s brother.”
“I’ve betrayed her. How can either of you trust me around Alexander after this?”
She was edging toward hysteria. Todd hadn’t seen her this bad in years. Last year they’d headed to the cemetery with Alexander and then had spent the day at home with family afterward. It had been a good day. He’d felt united with her; the grief had also felt like a tribute. This though, he thought as he took her in, this was destructive, eating her alive. It had to be stopped before it went any further.
“Stop this now. You haven’t betrayed anyone. So you were here and you forgot what day it is. That’s the point of vacation. We don’t have a calendar in the bure. We don’t have Alexander’s daily schedule to remind us of the date, or work. We lost track of time. But not what happened. Never that.” Todd stepped closer and she stepped away, turning to hurry down the path.
“Please just let me be.” Her whisper was tortured.
He sent a look to Ben, who was as worried as he was.
For a small woman she walked pretty fast, but they caught up to her easily.
Ben’s voice was calm, even, and Todd found himself comforted by it, even as he worried for her. “You asked how we can trust you with Alexander? Are you serious? What sort of bullshit is that? You gave birth to him. Nursed him. He loves you and trusts you because you’ve earned both. You’re his mother and he’s so blessed to have you. Just as Adele was.”
She spun, her sunglasses falling off. The wild grief in her eyes cut him to the bone. He moved to try to bring her into his embrace but she scrambled back. “No! I can’t do this now. I’m here on this island in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by beauty as far as the eye can see. And she is not here. She will never, ever be here. Don’t you see? How can I enjoy this when she never will? She will never see another sunrise.” Her voice dissolved into tears as she fisted her hands.
“Stop this right now.” Ben shook his head, hard. “This is not a path to go down. This way lies madness, Erin, and you are not crazy. You are filled with grief, and I understand.”
“No, you don’t. Neither of you do. You can imagine what it would be like to lose Alexander. But reality is so much worse. Think of all his light just not being there anymore. I need to be with him. I . . .” She shook her head. “He’s back in Seattle without me. What if he needs me and I’m here? See? See how selfish I am?”
Ben’s calm slipped a little. “You are not selfish. Erin, goddamn it, you cannot do this. This is not healthy. You get to take a vacation with your husbands. It doesn’t mean you don’t love our son and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you didn’t love your daughter. You get to move on. You get to be happy.”
Her words echoed in Todd’s brain. Truth be told, he felt differently now that Alexander had been born. He understood her grief on a wholly different level because he had a child, understood the depth of his love for that little boy, and the very idea of watching him die the way Erin had when Adele had been murdered tore him to pieces. To know she kept that pain inside her each and every day was a heavy burden. Knowing she blamed herself and was beating herself up as a bad mother over it left him nauseated.
He wanted to fix her but he didn’t know how.
“She’s not here, Ben. My baby never even got to go to kindergarten. And I’m here, cavorting. What is wrong with me?” The plea in her voice broke Todd’s heart.
“You’re in pain because you lost someone you loved more than anything.” Ben’s face softened as he reached for her. She allowed the contact for a moment but when he thumbed away her tears she sniffled and stepped back.
“I need to be alone. Please, please, just leave me alone. I can’t be with anyone right now.”
“Honey, you need to be with people who love you and understand.” Todd brushed the hair from her face.
“Later. Right now I need to be by myself. I’m asking you to respect that. Please.” She turned and ran.
Todd had never seen her run so fast as he stood paralyzed with his own pain.
“We need to go after her.”
Ben stopped him. “Let her be. She begged us to be left alone and I think we need to respect her. She’ll be all right. She’s upset, but not stupid.”
“What if she does something stupid?” Todd’s heart thundered in his chest at the thought.
Ben shook his head and Todd knew he was right. “She has Alexander now. And us. And before us she had Brody and Adrian. There is no way she’d do anything to harm herself. Give her the time and space she asked for.” Ben stepped close and cupped Todd’s face. “Baby, I know. I feel it too. We’ll go after her in a bit. For now, let’s head back to the bure and call Alexander to check in. Brody might have some good advice.”
* * *
“There’s no more alone. You don’t have to face this mountain of grief by yourself. Let us be here for you.” Todd’s heart broke as he watched her, knew she was beating herself up.
“I should be grieving! My baby was murdered and I forgot!”
Ben shook his head, hard. “No you did not. We just talked about this two weeks ago, which you’d remember if you stopped beating yourself up over it. You never forget. She’s part of you. Part of us too, because we love you, because of Alexander, who is Adele’s brother.”
“I’ve betrayed her. How can either of you trust me around Alexander after this?”
She was edging toward hysteria. Todd hadn’t seen her this bad in years. Last year they’d headed to the cemetery with Alexander and then had spent the day at home with family afterward. It had been a good day. He’d felt united with her; the grief had also felt like a tribute. This though, he thought as he took her in, this was destructive, eating her alive. It had to be stopped before it went any further.
“Stop this now. You haven’t betrayed anyone. So you were here and you forgot what day it is. That’s the point of vacation. We don’t have a calendar in the bure. We don’t have Alexander’s daily schedule to remind us of the date, or work. We lost track of time. But not what happened. Never that.” Todd stepped closer and she stepped away, turning to hurry down the path.
“Please just let me be.” Her whisper was tortured.
He sent a look to Ben, who was as worried as he was.
For a small woman she walked pretty fast, but they caught up to her easily.
Ben’s voice was calm, even, and Todd found himself comforted by it, even as he worried for her. “You asked how we can trust you with Alexander? Are you serious? What sort of bullshit is that? You gave birth to him. Nursed him. He loves you and trusts you because you’ve earned both. You’re his mother and he’s so blessed to have you. Just as Adele was.”
She spun, her sunglasses falling off. The wild grief in her eyes cut him to the bone. He moved to try to bring her into his embrace but she scrambled back. “No! I can’t do this now. I’m here on this island in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by beauty as far as the eye can see. And she is not here. She will never, ever be here. Don’t you see? How can I enjoy this when she never will? She will never see another sunrise.” Her voice dissolved into tears as she fisted her hands.
“Stop this right now.” Ben shook his head, hard. “This is not a path to go down. This way lies madness, Erin, and you are not crazy. You are filled with grief, and I understand.”
“No, you don’t. Neither of you do. You can imagine what it would be like to lose Alexander. But reality is so much worse. Think of all his light just not being there anymore. I need to be with him. I . . .” She shook her head. “He’s back in Seattle without me. What if he needs me and I’m here? See? See how selfish I am?”
Ben’s calm slipped a little. “You are not selfish. Erin, goddamn it, you cannot do this. This is not healthy. You get to take a vacation with your husbands. It doesn’t mean you don’t love our son and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you didn’t love your daughter. You get to move on. You get to be happy.”
Her words echoed in Todd’s brain. Truth be told, he felt differently now that Alexander had been born. He understood her grief on a wholly different level because he had a child, understood the depth of his love for that little boy, and the very idea of watching him die the way Erin had when Adele had been murdered tore him to pieces. To know she kept that pain inside her each and every day was a heavy burden. Knowing she blamed herself and was beating herself up as a bad mother over it left him nauseated.
He wanted to fix her but he didn’t know how.
“She’s not here, Ben. My baby never even got to go to kindergarten. And I’m here, cavorting. What is wrong with me?” The plea in her voice broke Todd’s heart.
“You’re in pain because you lost someone you loved more than anything.” Ben’s face softened as he reached for her. She allowed the contact for a moment but when he thumbed away her tears she sniffled and stepped back.
“I need to be alone. Please, please, just leave me alone. I can’t be with anyone right now.”
“Honey, you need to be with people who love you and understand.” Todd brushed the hair from her face.
“Later. Right now I need to be by myself. I’m asking you to respect that. Please.” She turned and ran.
Todd had never seen her run so fast as he stood paralyzed with his own pain.
“We need to go after her.”
Ben stopped him. “Let her be. She begged us to be left alone and I think we need to respect her. She’ll be all right. She’s upset, but not stupid.”
“What if she does something stupid?” Todd’s heart thundered in his chest at the thought.
Ben shook his head and Todd knew he was right. “She has Alexander now. And us. And before us she had Brody and Adrian. There is no way she’d do anything to harm herself. Give her the time and space she asked for.” Ben stepped close and cupped Todd’s face. “Baby, I know. I feel it too. We’ll go after her in a bit. For now, let’s head back to the bure and call Alexander to check in. Brody might have some good advice.”
* * *
