Seeing Alexander’s face always made a weight lift off Ben’s shoulders. “Hey monkey, how are you today?”
Alexander’s smile was huge as he got his face close to the phone. “Daddy! Yo! We had pizza with fish on it!”
Todd laughed over Ben’s shoulder. “Anchovies?”
“Yo, Pop! Yes. Fish!” Then he made a face so much like Erin’s that it nearly broke Ben’s heart.
“Did you not like it? Should we get some when we get home?”
He frowned briefly, looking a lot like his uncle Brody. “I like cheese. Gotta go! Ma?”
“She’s not feeling well, pickle. She wanted me and Pop to tell you she loved you. She’ll call tomorrow.”
Alexander frowned. “Ma sick?”
“She is. But we’ll make her feel better. I promise.”
Alexander nodded then, very serious. “Ok. Kiss.” He leaned in and kissed the phone. “Love you.” He handed the phone to Brody and was done, and Ben could address the Erin issue safely out of Alexander’s earshot.
“Brody, before you go, can we talk a moment?”
“Hang on a sec. Elise, can you keep an eye on the kids? I need to take this out on the porch.”
In the background, Ben heard Elise laughing with the kids and the rumble of Adrian’s voice as well. He felt better knowing Alexander was surrounded by love and far away from any sadness.
Moments later he was back. “What’s going on? Is Erin all right?”
Ben poured the story out and Brody sighed at the end. “I was hoping she’d stop blaming herself for it. She’s off alone now?”
“For the time being. It felt like she needed it. She can’t get into any real trouble here anyway.”
“I think that’s a good call. You two know her. You know what she’s like. I’ve watched you take care of her for years. You love her like she needs to be loved. You know what she needs. I wish I weren’t so far away. I expect she’s missing Alexander just now too. We’re barbecuing this afternoon. I’ll send some pictures. She’ll like that.”
Ben realized that was a big part of it. Their baby being so far away. But he didn’t want Alexander to see Erin the way she was just then. And he knew she wouldn’t want it either.
And maybe, just maybe, it was best for her to let it all out. To wallow in the grief and guilt for a while until she could purge it. He needed to process that.
Ben replied to Brody’s comments. “She will, yeah. Us too. Miss that monkey of ours. He’s all right?”
“He’s been great. I can’t wait for Martine to get to that age. He reminds me so much of Erin when she was small. He’s happy and loved and spoiled to death. Hell, Miles slept over here last night and Alexander has been stuck to his side.”
Ben took a deep breath. Alexander was just a baby and now he was a toddler. Soon he’d be a preschooler and so on. He’d be Miles’ age one day. Miles and Rennie would grow up and go to college, get married, do all the stuff that makes life so great.
Yes. Things moved on. Life continued. He knew what they needed to do and it drove the panic back.
Brody heaved a sigh. “Just . . . tell her I love her. Text me to keep me updated. Elise worries.”
Ben snorted. Elise, yeah, right. “Ah, well, we wouldn’t want to worry Elise.”
“Ha. Look, just . . . you all take care of each other, okay?”
Ben looked to Todd and then nodded. “Yeah. Definitely.”
They spoke a while longer before hanging up.
Todd stood up and began to pace. It was his goal in life to make Erin’s better. Easier. He wanted to protect her from this shit and he didn’t know how. This wasn’t a stalker. It wasn’t someone he could punch or a place he could remove her from.
This was something he couldn’t touch. He fisted his hands as he moved. Helpless. Damn it. Seeing her like this made him feel helpless.
“It hasn’t been like this in years. Since I came back to Seattle. She was a f**king mess that first year. I don’t know how to fix her, but I sure as hell don’t want her to go back to that dark place she was in before she had us to help.”
“You can’t.” Ben was so calm. It soothed, even as it rankled. “We can’t fix this.” He didn’t shrug, he just watched Todd move.
Todd halted his pacing to gape at Ben. “What do you mean? She’s out there right now. Alone. Upset. We can’t just sit around, helpless.”
“We can’t fix this, and I don’t think that’s what she needs anyway.”
“Of course it’s what she needs!” He tried not to yell but it was a close thing.
“Yeah? So what can you do? Magic? Can you bring her daughter back? Because that’s the only thing that will fix this.”
“How can you be so calm now, Ben? You saw her.”
Ben nodded. “I did. I saw the pain in her features. The guilt. I can be calm because that’s what she needs. Nothing else is going to help. Not her, not you, not me.”
The truth of it did little to make Todd feel better. “It tears me apart to see her this way.”
Ben got up and went to Todd, wrapping his arms around him. “Me too. But this is part of Erin. Sometimes she can get through it just fine; other times it cuts her open. We can’t change that. This thing she endured, it’s not something anyone should. It has marked her forever and that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
Alexander’s smile was huge as he got his face close to the phone. “Daddy! Yo! We had pizza with fish on it!”
Todd laughed over Ben’s shoulder. “Anchovies?”
“Yo, Pop! Yes. Fish!” Then he made a face so much like Erin’s that it nearly broke Ben’s heart.
“Did you not like it? Should we get some when we get home?”
He frowned briefly, looking a lot like his uncle Brody. “I like cheese. Gotta go! Ma?”
“She’s not feeling well, pickle. She wanted me and Pop to tell you she loved you. She’ll call tomorrow.”
Alexander frowned. “Ma sick?”
“She is. But we’ll make her feel better. I promise.”
Alexander nodded then, very serious. “Ok. Kiss.” He leaned in and kissed the phone. “Love you.” He handed the phone to Brody and was done, and Ben could address the Erin issue safely out of Alexander’s earshot.
“Brody, before you go, can we talk a moment?”
“Hang on a sec. Elise, can you keep an eye on the kids? I need to take this out on the porch.”
In the background, Ben heard Elise laughing with the kids and the rumble of Adrian’s voice as well. He felt better knowing Alexander was surrounded by love and far away from any sadness.
Moments later he was back. “What’s going on? Is Erin all right?”
Ben poured the story out and Brody sighed at the end. “I was hoping she’d stop blaming herself for it. She’s off alone now?”
“For the time being. It felt like she needed it. She can’t get into any real trouble here anyway.”
“I think that’s a good call. You two know her. You know what she’s like. I’ve watched you take care of her for years. You love her like she needs to be loved. You know what she needs. I wish I weren’t so far away. I expect she’s missing Alexander just now too. We’re barbecuing this afternoon. I’ll send some pictures. She’ll like that.”
Ben realized that was a big part of it. Their baby being so far away. But he didn’t want Alexander to see Erin the way she was just then. And he knew she wouldn’t want it either.
And maybe, just maybe, it was best for her to let it all out. To wallow in the grief and guilt for a while until she could purge it. He needed to process that.
Ben replied to Brody’s comments. “She will, yeah. Us too. Miss that monkey of ours. He’s all right?”
“He’s been great. I can’t wait for Martine to get to that age. He reminds me so much of Erin when she was small. He’s happy and loved and spoiled to death. Hell, Miles slept over here last night and Alexander has been stuck to his side.”
Ben took a deep breath. Alexander was just a baby and now he was a toddler. Soon he’d be a preschooler and so on. He’d be Miles’ age one day. Miles and Rennie would grow up and go to college, get married, do all the stuff that makes life so great.
Yes. Things moved on. Life continued. He knew what they needed to do and it drove the panic back.
Brody heaved a sigh. “Just . . . tell her I love her. Text me to keep me updated. Elise worries.”
Ben snorted. Elise, yeah, right. “Ah, well, we wouldn’t want to worry Elise.”
“Ha. Look, just . . . you all take care of each other, okay?”
Ben looked to Todd and then nodded. “Yeah. Definitely.”
They spoke a while longer before hanging up.
Todd stood up and began to pace. It was his goal in life to make Erin’s better. Easier. He wanted to protect her from this shit and he didn’t know how. This wasn’t a stalker. It wasn’t someone he could punch or a place he could remove her from.
This was something he couldn’t touch. He fisted his hands as he moved. Helpless. Damn it. Seeing her like this made him feel helpless.
“It hasn’t been like this in years. Since I came back to Seattle. She was a f**king mess that first year. I don’t know how to fix her, but I sure as hell don’t want her to go back to that dark place she was in before she had us to help.”
“You can’t.” Ben was so calm. It soothed, even as it rankled. “We can’t fix this.” He didn’t shrug, he just watched Todd move.
Todd halted his pacing to gape at Ben. “What do you mean? She’s out there right now. Alone. Upset. We can’t just sit around, helpless.”
“We can’t fix this, and I don’t think that’s what she needs anyway.”
“Of course it’s what she needs!” He tried not to yell but it was a close thing.
“Yeah? So what can you do? Magic? Can you bring her daughter back? Because that’s the only thing that will fix this.”
“How can you be so calm now, Ben? You saw her.”
Ben nodded. “I did. I saw the pain in her features. The guilt. I can be calm because that’s what she needs. Nothing else is going to help. Not her, not you, not me.”
The truth of it did little to make Todd feel better. “It tears me apart to see her this way.”
Ben got up and went to Todd, wrapping his arms around him. “Me too. But this is part of Erin. Sometimes she can get through it just fine; other times it cuts her open. We can’t change that. This thing she endured, it’s not something anyone should. It has marked her forever and that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
