“It makes me sick.” Todd sat and Ben followed him, keeping an arm around his shoulders. “And here I am, upset like a selfish ass**le.”
Ben brushed a kiss across his temple before shaking his head. “The both of you and all this guilt you carry for things you aren’t responsible for.” Ben tipped Todd’s chin to look him square in the eyes. “You’re allowed to grieve about it too, you know.”
Todd cocked his head, looking at Ben carefully. “This happened to her. It’s not about me.”
“’Course it’s about you. It’s about me. It’s about everyone who loves Erin. This is ours because it’s hers. You don’t always have to be so f**king strong. I’m not going to judge you for feeling deeply. You can let yourself lean on me for a change. Let me be the strong one.”
They were raised to be strong men. And they were. But sometimes a strong man had to bend or he’d break.
And this big, strong man who knew every inch of Todd’s body, and of his heart, knew that.
“I’m not saying it’s appropriate to make it about your upset when we’re with her and she needs to get it all out. But I’m saying—and I’ve thought about this a lot—it’s all right to have your own feelings about something that has marked the woman you love so deeply. I’m here right now. No judging. Just love. You can let yourself go.”
“How come you’re so smart?” Todd’s fingers tangled with Ben’s.
“I know what it is to have intense feelings that I wasn’t sure if I could express.”
Todd sat back at the emotion in those words, still keeping his hand with Ben’s. “Yeah? Like what?”
“Like what it feels like when you’re Erin’s husband and, everyone assumes, Alexander’s father. When they think I’m an accessory but nothing more.”
Swallowing hard against the knot of emotion in his throat, Todd took a deep breath. “You know it’s not that way.”
“Sure I do. But it still feels like shit sometimes. Not because of what you and Erin do or say. But I feel it nonetheless. And it will always be that way. Most of the time it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it just gets to me. Like today got to her. Like this is getting to you because you feel weak and helpless. We’re not robots. Sometimes you just have enough and it really gets to you.”
Todd didn’t know what to say or do. That Ben hadn’t made a big deal of it wasn’t even as bad as the fact that Todd hadn’t noticed.
“I’m sorry people are stupid. I’m sorry your dad is a moron. I’m sorry people can’t see what an incredible man you are and just assume you’re an accessory when you’re everything to me and Erin.”
Ben breathed deep. “I don’t want you to be sorry for what other people do. It’s not anything you and Erin contribute to. I just wanted you to understand I know what it feels like to have this stuff inside and not know how to express it. Especially when you don’t want to make anyone feel bad.”
“Alexander is your son. As much as he’s mine. As much as he’s Erin’s.” Todd wanted to punch anyone who said otherwise.
“Yes. In the eyes of our family and friends, yes. But it won’t be that way outside. You know that. And it’s not about me. It’s about making sure Alexander knows he’s loved by both his dads.”
“Of course it’s about you!”
Ben grinned a moment and Todd got it. His man was f**king clever. “Ah.”
“Yeah. So really the big picture is—does my son know he’s loved by all his parents? Yes. Do I know Erin and you love me? Yes. Do I know I’m part of a family? Yes, I do. But the fact is, I’m in a place that is not recognized. Not legally, certainly. And not by the overwhelming majority of the world all around us. You’re her husband. She’s your wife. Alexander is your son as far as the legal system is concerned. I have to rely on trust. But I live in a gray area.”
“Why haven’t you said anything?” Todd’s heart ached.
“Because it’s hard to admit out loud, I suppose. Makes me feel petty. I didn’t want to hurt either of you. There’s nothing you can do, nothing you have done. And still, this is the fact of what we have. It’s unavoidable.”
Todd got to his knees in front of Ben, taking his hands. “I hate that you feel like this.”
Ben’s smile gave Todd butterflies even when the topic was so serious. “Baby, I feel like this for a small portion of my life. Just like your helplessness makes you feel weak and ashamed every once in a while. I didn’t tell you to make you feel bad. I told you because I wanted you to know you weren’t alone. Erin isn’t alone either.”
“You’re pretty smart for a guy who looks as good as you do.”
Ben leaned in, brushing a kiss over Todd’s lips. “I’m lucky, that’s what I am.”
“What do you think we should do? I mean, other than f**king, because we totally are when all this is said and done.”
Ben laughed then and the tension wisped away. “I think we need to head out to find her. Don’t tell her she’s going to be all right. Don’t pet her. Just let her be. We’ll be with her and she’ll tell us what she needs when she needs it.”
Todd stood and held a hand out to Ben. He pulled Ben to stand. “I never expected you. Not like this.”
Ben closed his eyes, those long lashes sweeping down. Todd had no choice but to lean in and kiss each eyelid.
Ben brushed a kiss across his temple before shaking his head. “The both of you and all this guilt you carry for things you aren’t responsible for.” Ben tipped Todd’s chin to look him square in the eyes. “You’re allowed to grieve about it too, you know.”
Todd cocked his head, looking at Ben carefully. “This happened to her. It’s not about me.”
“’Course it’s about you. It’s about me. It’s about everyone who loves Erin. This is ours because it’s hers. You don’t always have to be so f**king strong. I’m not going to judge you for feeling deeply. You can let yourself lean on me for a change. Let me be the strong one.”
They were raised to be strong men. And they were. But sometimes a strong man had to bend or he’d break.
And this big, strong man who knew every inch of Todd’s body, and of his heart, knew that.
“I’m not saying it’s appropriate to make it about your upset when we’re with her and she needs to get it all out. But I’m saying—and I’ve thought about this a lot—it’s all right to have your own feelings about something that has marked the woman you love so deeply. I’m here right now. No judging. Just love. You can let yourself go.”
“How come you’re so smart?” Todd’s fingers tangled with Ben’s.
“I know what it is to have intense feelings that I wasn’t sure if I could express.”
Todd sat back at the emotion in those words, still keeping his hand with Ben’s. “Yeah? Like what?”
“Like what it feels like when you’re Erin’s husband and, everyone assumes, Alexander’s father. When they think I’m an accessory but nothing more.”
Swallowing hard against the knot of emotion in his throat, Todd took a deep breath. “You know it’s not that way.”
“Sure I do. But it still feels like shit sometimes. Not because of what you and Erin do or say. But I feel it nonetheless. And it will always be that way. Most of the time it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it just gets to me. Like today got to her. Like this is getting to you because you feel weak and helpless. We’re not robots. Sometimes you just have enough and it really gets to you.”
Todd didn’t know what to say or do. That Ben hadn’t made a big deal of it wasn’t even as bad as the fact that Todd hadn’t noticed.
“I’m sorry people are stupid. I’m sorry your dad is a moron. I’m sorry people can’t see what an incredible man you are and just assume you’re an accessory when you’re everything to me and Erin.”
Ben breathed deep. “I don’t want you to be sorry for what other people do. It’s not anything you and Erin contribute to. I just wanted you to understand I know what it feels like to have this stuff inside and not know how to express it. Especially when you don’t want to make anyone feel bad.”
“Alexander is your son. As much as he’s mine. As much as he’s Erin’s.” Todd wanted to punch anyone who said otherwise.
“Yes. In the eyes of our family and friends, yes. But it won’t be that way outside. You know that. And it’s not about me. It’s about making sure Alexander knows he’s loved by both his dads.”
“Of course it’s about you!”
Ben grinned a moment and Todd got it. His man was f**king clever. “Ah.”
“Yeah. So really the big picture is—does my son know he’s loved by all his parents? Yes. Do I know Erin and you love me? Yes. Do I know I’m part of a family? Yes, I do. But the fact is, I’m in a place that is not recognized. Not legally, certainly. And not by the overwhelming majority of the world all around us. You’re her husband. She’s your wife. Alexander is your son as far as the legal system is concerned. I have to rely on trust. But I live in a gray area.”
“Why haven’t you said anything?” Todd’s heart ached.
“Because it’s hard to admit out loud, I suppose. Makes me feel petty. I didn’t want to hurt either of you. There’s nothing you can do, nothing you have done. And still, this is the fact of what we have. It’s unavoidable.”
Todd got to his knees in front of Ben, taking his hands. “I hate that you feel like this.”
Ben’s smile gave Todd butterflies even when the topic was so serious. “Baby, I feel like this for a small portion of my life. Just like your helplessness makes you feel weak and ashamed every once in a while. I didn’t tell you to make you feel bad. I told you because I wanted you to know you weren’t alone. Erin isn’t alone either.”
“You’re pretty smart for a guy who looks as good as you do.”
Ben leaned in, brushing a kiss over Todd’s lips. “I’m lucky, that’s what I am.”
“What do you think we should do? I mean, other than f**king, because we totally are when all this is said and done.”
Ben laughed then and the tension wisped away. “I think we need to head out to find her. Don’t tell her she’s going to be all right. Don’t pet her. Just let her be. We’ll be with her and she’ll tell us what she needs when she needs it.”
Todd stood and held a hand out to Ben. He pulled Ben to stand. “I never expected you. Not like this.”
Ben closed his eyes, those long lashes sweeping down. Todd had no choice but to lean in and kiss each eyelid.
