Life After Taylah
Page 34
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“Baby,” I murmur, taking her hips in my hands and lifting her hips, driving deeper.
“Yes,” she cries, nipples hard, body arched and ready to release. “Don’t stop.”
I bolt upright in bed, sweating, hard as a fucking rock and disorientated. I run a hand down my face and close my eyes, clenching my jaw tight. I can’t do this—I can’t keep dreaming of her every night. She’s always there, in my head, in my thoughts, consuming me. I’m a fuckin’ bad man. It’s not fair for me to even contemplate being with another woman—it’s the most disrespectful thing I could ever do to my wife, regardless of our problems.
I need to get out of here. I need to get away.
Maybe I’ll go interstate for a race, take a few months away, give myself a chance to stop this shit. Give me a break from Lena—maybe then I’ll miss her. I need to miss her—I need to realize what I’ve got. I need to try. I need to be a good man.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and slide out, not wanting to disturb Lena. I walk out into the kitchen and flick on the light, then I take a glass and fill it with water, swallowing it down quickly.
Get out. Fix this. Forget her.
Three things—none of them simple.
~*~*~*~
“What?” Lena cries, crossing her arms and glaring at me. “You’re not going to race interstate, Nate. No way.”
“I need to and you know it. Things are bad, Lena. I need time. I need to get my shit together.”
“You’re just trying to find an easy way of ending this,” she yells, throwing her hands up. “Don’t be such an asshole. If you’re going to end it, then just fucking end it.”
“Fuck,” I growl. “I’m tryin’ here. Do you think it wouldn’t just be easier for me to end this? Jesus, of course it would, but that’s not how it should be. I’m trying to do the right thing here—trying to fix something that I’m more than sure is broken.”
“You’re only doing it for Macy, because you know if you leave me I’ll take her and you don’t want to lose her. You aren’t doing it for me.”
She’s both right and wrong about that. The biggest reason I try is in fact for Macy, because she deserves both her parents in her life and I know that Lena will make it extremely difficult for me to see her if I walk away. The idea of not seeing my daughter breaks me—it tears me fucking apart. But, aside from that, I don’t want to hate Lena. I want to see if there’s something left—we both deserve that effort.
“You’re wrong,” I mutter. “I’m doing it for both of you.”
She shakes her head. “If you go, then go, but don’t expect me to wait around.”
“Shit, Lena, do you want this to end? Is that what you want? If it is, then let’s cut all ties and call it off now, so we don’t have to keep going through this fucking shit. I can’t get myself together if you’re not in it too. So if you want to end it, then fuckin’ end it.”
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head quickly. “I don’t want to end it. I just . . . it’s just . . .”
“I get it,” I say, fully understanding her hesitation. “So that’s why you need to let me go. It’ll only be a few months. It’ll be good for us.”
She stares at me, but slowly nods.
“Okay,” she says, her voice tired and worn. Just like mine. “Okay, Nate.”
CHAPTER 16
AVERY
One month later.
“No, Avery,” Jacob snaps, slamming his fist on the counter. “You’re not going, I’ve said no and that’s the end of it.”
I cross my arms, my heart aching for more than one reason. The first is because in the last month I’ve created a level of dislike for Jacob I’ve never had before. Suddenly everything he does isn’t right—he’s not right. He’s not Nate. I hate myself for that. The second is because I miss Nate. I miss him so much it hurts. It’s been a month, and I know he went interstate to race a couple of races. It’s not the same without him here.
I’m lost.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” I say to Jacob, my voice icy, my heart turning colder and colder towards him as the weeks go on.
“I can tell you what to do because without me and your father, you’ll never be able to afford it.”
I’ve asked him if I can go with Kelly to his next competition in Queensland, Australia. He’s not willing to let me go, especially not with Kelly. I told him I was going anyway, but he’s refusing me, and without his money or my fathers, there’s no way I can afford it. It hurts. We’re in a relationship and yet there’s no say-so for me. He makes all the choices and if he says no, then that’s it.
“Why is it such a big problem?”
He gives me an expression that allows no argument. “Because I don’t like Kelly and I don’t trust him. How would you feel if I went away with a woman?”
I sigh, because he’s probably right. Maybe I’m just trying to find a way to escape.
“Fine, Jacob, if you’re not happy with it then I won’t go.”
He nods, straightening his shoulders. “I’m not happy with it, so you’ll stay here. Now, I’m going to work. I’ll come by later and take you out for dinner.”
I nod and watch as he turns and leaves me. Why does my heart feel like it’s only being ripped apart more and more as each hour goes on?
“Yes,” she cries, nipples hard, body arched and ready to release. “Don’t stop.”
I bolt upright in bed, sweating, hard as a fucking rock and disorientated. I run a hand down my face and close my eyes, clenching my jaw tight. I can’t do this—I can’t keep dreaming of her every night. She’s always there, in my head, in my thoughts, consuming me. I’m a fuckin’ bad man. It’s not fair for me to even contemplate being with another woman—it’s the most disrespectful thing I could ever do to my wife, regardless of our problems.
I need to get out of here. I need to get away.
Maybe I’ll go interstate for a race, take a few months away, give myself a chance to stop this shit. Give me a break from Lena—maybe then I’ll miss her. I need to miss her—I need to realize what I’ve got. I need to try. I need to be a good man.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and slide out, not wanting to disturb Lena. I walk out into the kitchen and flick on the light, then I take a glass and fill it with water, swallowing it down quickly.
Get out. Fix this. Forget her.
Three things—none of them simple.
~*~*~*~
“What?” Lena cries, crossing her arms and glaring at me. “You’re not going to race interstate, Nate. No way.”
“I need to and you know it. Things are bad, Lena. I need time. I need to get my shit together.”
“You’re just trying to find an easy way of ending this,” she yells, throwing her hands up. “Don’t be such an asshole. If you’re going to end it, then just fucking end it.”
“Fuck,” I growl. “I’m tryin’ here. Do you think it wouldn’t just be easier for me to end this? Jesus, of course it would, but that’s not how it should be. I’m trying to do the right thing here—trying to fix something that I’m more than sure is broken.”
“You’re only doing it for Macy, because you know if you leave me I’ll take her and you don’t want to lose her. You aren’t doing it for me.”
She’s both right and wrong about that. The biggest reason I try is in fact for Macy, because she deserves both her parents in her life and I know that Lena will make it extremely difficult for me to see her if I walk away. The idea of not seeing my daughter breaks me—it tears me fucking apart. But, aside from that, I don’t want to hate Lena. I want to see if there’s something left—we both deserve that effort.
“You’re wrong,” I mutter. “I’m doing it for both of you.”
She shakes her head. “If you go, then go, but don’t expect me to wait around.”
“Shit, Lena, do you want this to end? Is that what you want? If it is, then let’s cut all ties and call it off now, so we don’t have to keep going through this fucking shit. I can’t get myself together if you’re not in it too. So if you want to end it, then fuckin’ end it.”
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head quickly. “I don’t want to end it. I just . . . it’s just . . .”
“I get it,” I say, fully understanding her hesitation. “So that’s why you need to let me go. It’ll only be a few months. It’ll be good for us.”
She stares at me, but slowly nods.
“Okay,” she says, her voice tired and worn. Just like mine. “Okay, Nate.”
CHAPTER 16
AVERY
One month later.
“No, Avery,” Jacob snaps, slamming his fist on the counter. “You’re not going, I’ve said no and that’s the end of it.”
I cross my arms, my heart aching for more than one reason. The first is because in the last month I’ve created a level of dislike for Jacob I’ve never had before. Suddenly everything he does isn’t right—he’s not right. He’s not Nate. I hate myself for that. The second is because I miss Nate. I miss him so much it hurts. It’s been a month, and I know he went interstate to race a couple of races. It’s not the same without him here.
I’m lost.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” I say to Jacob, my voice icy, my heart turning colder and colder towards him as the weeks go on.
“I can tell you what to do because without me and your father, you’ll never be able to afford it.”
I’ve asked him if I can go with Kelly to his next competition in Queensland, Australia. He’s not willing to let me go, especially not with Kelly. I told him I was going anyway, but he’s refusing me, and without his money or my fathers, there’s no way I can afford it. It hurts. We’re in a relationship and yet there’s no say-so for me. He makes all the choices and if he says no, then that’s it.
“Why is it such a big problem?”
He gives me an expression that allows no argument. “Because I don’t like Kelly and I don’t trust him. How would you feel if I went away with a woman?”
I sigh, because he’s probably right. Maybe I’m just trying to find a way to escape.
“Fine, Jacob, if you’re not happy with it then I won’t go.”
He nods, straightening his shoulders. “I’m not happy with it, so you’ll stay here. Now, I’m going to work. I’ll come by later and take you out for dinner.”
I nod and watch as he turns and leaves me. Why does my heart feel like it’s only being ripped apart more and more as each hour goes on?
