"How do you do it?" she asked. "How do you wake up every day and be the person you are? That's a huge thing to happen to you, and it's not like you just go through life 'getting by'. How are you so normal?"
I thought about my answer for a while. "Because, Micky, it's my past. It's not my future and it sure as shit isn't who I am. I'm not going to let that be me. I'm not going to let abusive or neglectful people ruin me. What they did—that's on them. That's their guilt to carry. It has nothing to do with me or who I am. And so what if it happened," I shrugged, "I lived through it. And that asshole went to jail, my dad—Alan—made sure of it. He made sure he wasn't going to be out there, possibly having more kids to beat on."
It was silent for what seemed like forever. Then finally, she spoke, "God, Logan. You were just a kid..." Another round of sobs took over her. I placed my hand on the back of her head and held her to me as I listened to her cry. There was that same fucking ache in my chest, and I don't exactly know what it was. But it was this moment—this exact moment—with her in my arms, that I felt something. Something I'd never felt before. Ever.
And I got it. I got why Jake wanted to be a rock for this girl. Why he wanted to make sure that she was never hurting, or that she was never sad. I got why he'd do anything to make sure she was okay.
Because I felt it too.
Her sobs grew silent but her tears still fell. Her head lifted from my chest. I moved the hair away from her face. Then she looked up at me, her eyes huge. Expectant. Waiting. For me to say something—anything—that would let her know that it would be okay. That we would be okay. "Micky..."
She sniffed once. I took in her face, and then looked into her eyes, my gaze dropped to her mouth quickly before I spoke. And I don't know why the next question came out, but it did. "Does Jake know you're here?"
She slowly shook her head no.
Then suddenly, the smoke alarm went off.
We pulled apart and were on our feet so quickly, my head spun.
***
She didn't end up cooking dinner. In fact she left pretty much straight away. It was awkward after that, or at least I felt awkward, but it could have just been in my head.
After I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen and put away the groceries, I headed to the pool house for the night. I lay on my bed for I don't know how fucking long, thinking about what ever the hell just happened with Micky, and wishing that some of it, any of it, actually made sense.
I pulled out my phone to look at the time; it was almost nine. There was a text from Amanda at 5:05.
Amanda: Okay? I wish you would have told me earlier. I would have organized a ride home. Can you call me if you get done before 7? I can't get home until then. Hope you're okay.
Shit. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.
Fuck, I was the biggest asshole in the world.
I was about to the tap the screen to call her, but then I thought about what I was going to say, and I panicked.
The thing was, I really, really liked Amanda. And yeah, we could have gone out a few times to see how things went...but I didn't want to do that to her. Not then. Not when I didn't fucking understand my feelings for Micky. Because Amanda, she was great. She was more than great. She was amazing. And she deserved to find someone that was going to treat her like that. And back then, that wasn't me. Not even close.
I sat up in bed and looked at my phone, trying to play out the words I was going to use when I told her all this. Except nothing came to me. Nothing at all. Not. one. single. fucking. word.
I didn't call her that night, or the night after. Or any of the nights after that.
FOURTEEN
-Present-
Logan
I went back into the party, and drank. Because really? What the hell else was I going to do?
I was drunk.
Girls approached me but I made it clear I wasn't interested. I could still smell her fruity perfume on me and I didn't want another girls scent to cause it to fade.
If you asked me where my balls were right now, I'd tell you she has them. Probably in her pockets while that asshole was making his move on her. I'd say to that asshole, 'Suck it, dude. She has my balls.'
"What?" Lucy laughed from next to me. She was as wasted as I was.
"Huh?" We were laying in a trampoline in the back yard. I have no fucking idea why Jake and Micky have a trampoline.
Lucy laughed again. "You just said something about an asshole sucking a dude with my balls."
"What!" I laughed out. "You made no sense! Also, I don't think I was meant to say that out loud."
Then we both laughed.
Once we settled, Lucy sighed, "Are you thinking about her, Logan?"
"Who?"
"Amanda."
"Pshh." I knew she knew something. "Amanda who?" I played dumb.
"Cam told me about the diner—how you paid Lachlan to force her to go out with you." She giggled.
"Cam has a big mouth."
She sat up abruptly, gasping, her eyes huge. She was staring at me with her mouth hanging open. She whisper yelled, "Dude! Cam says the same thing about me!"
"What?" I got out through a chuckle.
"Yeah," she said, nodding her head frantically. "He says I have a big mouth, too. You know? When he puts his-"
"Lucy!" I shouted, stopping her from saying what I think she was about to say. I pulled her back down. She laid her head on the crook my arm. "Way too much information," I told her.
"I love Cameron," she informed dreamily, her head getting more comfortable.
"I know you do. He loves you, too."
"No Logan. I mean I love him." She sat back up and looked down at me. "I love him so fucking much it hurts sometimes." Her voice broke. "The good hurt, you know?"
I didn't.
"Seriously, if he asked me to marry him right now and have his babies, I'd do it. Instantly. I love him that fucking much."
I smiled at her.
She went back to lying on my arm.
"Also," she continued, "this girl in one of my classes keeps wanting me to warn you that her brother's after you."
I rolled me eyes, "What girl? What do you tell her?"
"I tell her to fuck off. And that she needs to learn to control her hormones. Get it, Logan? WHORE-MOANS? Oh my god. I'm so fucking funny!"
Her laughter made me laugh. "You're my favorite people, Luce." I held on to her tighter.
"Yeah yeah. I have a boyfriend. Don't even try it."
***
An hour or so later, the party died down. Cam came out looking for us. We spent the rest of the time mainly in silence. We stopped drinking though, so we were a bit more clear headed now.
"Hey, babe. We're crashing here. You ready for bed?" he asked.
I thought about my answer for a while. "Because, Micky, it's my past. It's not my future and it sure as shit isn't who I am. I'm not going to let that be me. I'm not going to let abusive or neglectful people ruin me. What they did—that's on them. That's their guilt to carry. It has nothing to do with me or who I am. And so what if it happened," I shrugged, "I lived through it. And that asshole went to jail, my dad—Alan—made sure of it. He made sure he wasn't going to be out there, possibly having more kids to beat on."
It was silent for what seemed like forever. Then finally, she spoke, "God, Logan. You were just a kid..." Another round of sobs took over her. I placed my hand on the back of her head and held her to me as I listened to her cry. There was that same fucking ache in my chest, and I don't exactly know what it was. But it was this moment—this exact moment—with her in my arms, that I felt something. Something I'd never felt before. Ever.
And I got it. I got why Jake wanted to be a rock for this girl. Why he wanted to make sure that she was never hurting, or that she was never sad. I got why he'd do anything to make sure she was okay.
Because I felt it too.
Her sobs grew silent but her tears still fell. Her head lifted from my chest. I moved the hair away from her face. Then she looked up at me, her eyes huge. Expectant. Waiting. For me to say something—anything—that would let her know that it would be okay. That we would be okay. "Micky..."
She sniffed once. I took in her face, and then looked into her eyes, my gaze dropped to her mouth quickly before I spoke. And I don't know why the next question came out, but it did. "Does Jake know you're here?"
She slowly shook her head no.
Then suddenly, the smoke alarm went off.
We pulled apart and were on our feet so quickly, my head spun.
***
She didn't end up cooking dinner. In fact she left pretty much straight away. It was awkward after that, or at least I felt awkward, but it could have just been in my head.
After I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen and put away the groceries, I headed to the pool house for the night. I lay on my bed for I don't know how fucking long, thinking about what ever the hell just happened with Micky, and wishing that some of it, any of it, actually made sense.
I pulled out my phone to look at the time; it was almost nine. There was a text from Amanda at 5:05.
Amanda: Okay? I wish you would have told me earlier. I would have organized a ride home. Can you call me if you get done before 7? I can't get home until then. Hope you're okay.
Shit. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.
Fuck, I was the biggest asshole in the world.
I was about to the tap the screen to call her, but then I thought about what I was going to say, and I panicked.
The thing was, I really, really liked Amanda. And yeah, we could have gone out a few times to see how things went...but I didn't want to do that to her. Not then. Not when I didn't fucking understand my feelings for Micky. Because Amanda, she was great. She was more than great. She was amazing. And she deserved to find someone that was going to treat her like that. And back then, that wasn't me. Not even close.
I sat up in bed and looked at my phone, trying to play out the words I was going to use when I told her all this. Except nothing came to me. Nothing at all. Not. one. single. fucking. word.
I didn't call her that night, or the night after. Or any of the nights after that.
FOURTEEN
-Present-
Logan
I went back into the party, and drank. Because really? What the hell else was I going to do?
I was drunk.
Girls approached me but I made it clear I wasn't interested. I could still smell her fruity perfume on me and I didn't want another girls scent to cause it to fade.
If you asked me where my balls were right now, I'd tell you she has them. Probably in her pockets while that asshole was making his move on her. I'd say to that asshole, 'Suck it, dude. She has my balls.'
"What?" Lucy laughed from next to me. She was as wasted as I was.
"Huh?" We were laying in a trampoline in the back yard. I have no fucking idea why Jake and Micky have a trampoline.
Lucy laughed again. "You just said something about an asshole sucking a dude with my balls."
"What!" I laughed out. "You made no sense! Also, I don't think I was meant to say that out loud."
Then we both laughed.
Once we settled, Lucy sighed, "Are you thinking about her, Logan?"
"Who?"
"Amanda."
"Pshh." I knew she knew something. "Amanda who?" I played dumb.
"Cam told me about the diner—how you paid Lachlan to force her to go out with you." She giggled.
"Cam has a big mouth."
She sat up abruptly, gasping, her eyes huge. She was staring at me with her mouth hanging open. She whisper yelled, "Dude! Cam says the same thing about me!"
"What?" I got out through a chuckle.
"Yeah," she said, nodding her head frantically. "He says I have a big mouth, too. You know? When he puts his-"
"Lucy!" I shouted, stopping her from saying what I think she was about to say. I pulled her back down. She laid her head on the crook my arm. "Way too much information," I told her.
"I love Cameron," she informed dreamily, her head getting more comfortable.
"I know you do. He loves you, too."
"No Logan. I mean I love him." She sat back up and looked down at me. "I love him so fucking much it hurts sometimes." Her voice broke. "The good hurt, you know?"
I didn't.
"Seriously, if he asked me to marry him right now and have his babies, I'd do it. Instantly. I love him that fucking much."
I smiled at her.
She went back to lying on my arm.
"Also," she continued, "this girl in one of my classes keeps wanting me to warn you that her brother's after you."
I rolled me eyes, "What girl? What do you tell her?"
"I tell her to fuck off. And that she needs to learn to control her hormones. Get it, Logan? WHORE-MOANS? Oh my god. I'm so fucking funny!"
Her laughter made me laugh. "You're my favorite people, Luce." I held on to her tighter.
"Yeah yeah. I have a boyfriend. Don't even try it."
***
An hour or so later, the party died down. Cam came out looking for us. We spent the rest of the time mainly in silence. We stopped drinking though, so we were a bit more clear headed now.
"Hey, babe. We're crashing here. You ready for bed?" he asked.
