I stayed silent, looking at the floor, shocked by what he was telling me. That she broke up with her boyfriend of what? Two, three, years? To be with me. And I fucked it up.
"So I let her go," he continued. I didn't to stop him. Whatever he had coming, I deserved it. "I let her fucking go, this girl I wanted to be with forever. And you know what the worst thing is, Logan?" He spat out my name. "The worst thing is that she called me back a few weeks later, crying her eyes out, begging me to take her back. And I wanted to. I so badly wanted to. But I couldn't. And you know why?"
I swallowed. "Wh-" My voice cracked. I cleared my throat. "Why?" I said again.
"Because I made a mistake, I fooled around with girls. I gave them my body. A physical act. But that's all it was. Just physical. Dimmy though, she wanted more. She gave a part of herself to someone else. She was willing to give her mind, and her heart to this jerk. She wanted to actually live a life without me and be with someone else. And as much as I wish I could've forgiven her—or at least tried to understand it—I just couldn't."
It was silent for a long moment while I took in every single fucking thing he said.
"Apparently the kid never called her back after that night. It's strange though..." He's using that same knowing, mocking tone as before. "She swears she never slept with him. So I don't get it. I don't get what the deal was. He didn't use her for sex, so what the hell happened?"
I kept my mouth shut.
He sighed.
I looked up at him. "That's it?" I wanted to get the fuck out of this room.
He stared back, holding my gaze for what felt like a lifetime.
"That's not even close to being it."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
He stood and started pacing the floor.
Now I was edgy and I wanted this conversation done. "What else?"
An hour passed while he told me in detail, everything that happened that summer.
All of it.
"So what happened?" I finally got out. I couldn't look at him. Because if he saw me, he'd know. He'd know it was all my fucking fault.
"To what?"
"To that asshole?" I could feel the vomit creep up my throat. I swallowed it down.
"Ethan and his friend took care of him."
"How?"
"Not important," he deadpanned.
"Fuck," I breathed out.
"Yeah. Fuck." He eyed me for a long time, deciding what to say next. Then finally, "Ethan doesn't know, Logan."
"What?"
"He doesn't know it was you. That you're the guy she broke up with me for. He doesn't know. And if he did, I don't know that you'd be standing here right now."
***
Ty left, and so did I. I called my buddy from the frat house. We used to party hard when we were freshman.
"I was wondering if you'd ever come back around," he said, when he pulled into the driveway. I got in and didn't say a word.
I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything Ty just told me and I wanted to pretend like it never happened. I need to pretend like Amanda doesn't exist. I couldn't be with her and she sure as shit couldn't fall for me. Not now. Not ever. I wouldn't fucking let her.
"You wanna drink or smoke?" he asked.
"All of it," I told him.
Amanda
I got home from work just after midnight, but he wasn't home. I thought he would've texted to let me know he wouldn't be here, but I guess we're not really at that stage where we need to tell each other where we are at all times. I called him twice, but he didn't answer. I don't know whether to wait for him in my bed or his, so I just stayed in my room, missing the shit out of him.
At three a.m. I started to get worried. I called a couple more times, but still no answer.
At four a.m. I heard the front door open. I couldn't help but smile.
He truly has me.
I jumped out of bed and opened my door. He was stumbling down the hallway, clearly drunk.
"Hey, babe," I whispered, not wanting to wake Ethan. I chuckled to myself as he tried to take his sweater off, but his cap was in the way. I held onto his arm, trying to steady him. He continued to struggle with the sweater that was covering his head.
He pushed my hand away. "Get off!" he sneered, "I don't need your fucking help."
"Whoa," I took a step back, surprised. "Mean drunk much?"
"I'm not drunk, Amanda. I just don't need you in my space all the fucking time." He finally managed to take his sweater off, throwing his cap behind him and adjusting his shirt.
I just stood there, not knowing what to say.
He brushed past me and into his room. My legs followed of their own accord. "What's going on?" I asked cautiously from the doorway. "I tried calling you."
"Jesus Christ!" He threw his hands in the air. "Clingy much? You're not my fucking girlfriend," he spat out, slumping onto the bed. "You shouldn't be blowing up my phone when I'm out. It's fucking embarrassing."
I swallowed down the knot in my throat, my eyes stung from holding back tears. I squared my shoulders and tried to act stronger than I felt. "Did something happen?" I said quietly. Something must have happened for this switch in him.
"Yeah, Amanda." He said my name like it was a curse. "You happened. I don't need your shit. Not now. Not ever."
He looked at the floor, avoiding eye contact. He started to unlace his shoes. "Look at me." I ground out.
He laughed. His shoulders bounced with the movement. Then he lifted his head; there was fire in his eyes, but not the good kind. "You don't tell me what to do," he stated, standing and taking a step closer to me. "You don't control me. And I shouldn't fucking control you. What you do is on you. I don't control a fucking thing you do."
I frantically wiped the tears that were falling. "What the hell's gotten into you? Why are you being an asshole?!"
"I'm not being anything!" his tone got harsher with every word. "I'm not being an asshole," he repeated, a little softer this time. "I just am one. You should have known that when I didn't call you after that night."
My stomach dropped to the floor, and for a few moments, I forgot to breathe.
I stared at him wide-eyed. My head shook back and forth. I bit my lip to stop myself from breaking down. He couldn't see me like this. He couldn't win. Not again. Then shock and disappointment quickly turned to anger. "Why the fuck didn't you call me, huh?"
I stepped forward.
He stepped back.
"I'm not fucking doing this, Amanda." He was yelling. I knew for sure it was going to wake Ethan.
I continued shaking my head, angry with myself for letting him get to me again. I knew why he didn't call, but I wanted him to admit it. I wanted the words to come out of his mouth. "Was it a pity thing?"
"So I let her go," he continued. I didn't to stop him. Whatever he had coming, I deserved it. "I let her fucking go, this girl I wanted to be with forever. And you know what the worst thing is, Logan?" He spat out my name. "The worst thing is that she called me back a few weeks later, crying her eyes out, begging me to take her back. And I wanted to. I so badly wanted to. But I couldn't. And you know why?"
I swallowed. "Wh-" My voice cracked. I cleared my throat. "Why?" I said again.
"Because I made a mistake, I fooled around with girls. I gave them my body. A physical act. But that's all it was. Just physical. Dimmy though, she wanted more. She gave a part of herself to someone else. She was willing to give her mind, and her heart to this jerk. She wanted to actually live a life without me and be with someone else. And as much as I wish I could've forgiven her—or at least tried to understand it—I just couldn't."
It was silent for a long moment while I took in every single fucking thing he said.
"Apparently the kid never called her back after that night. It's strange though..." He's using that same knowing, mocking tone as before. "She swears she never slept with him. So I don't get it. I don't get what the deal was. He didn't use her for sex, so what the hell happened?"
I kept my mouth shut.
He sighed.
I looked up at him. "That's it?" I wanted to get the fuck out of this room.
He stared back, holding my gaze for what felt like a lifetime.
"That's not even close to being it."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
He stood and started pacing the floor.
Now I was edgy and I wanted this conversation done. "What else?"
An hour passed while he told me in detail, everything that happened that summer.
All of it.
"So what happened?" I finally got out. I couldn't look at him. Because if he saw me, he'd know. He'd know it was all my fucking fault.
"To what?"
"To that asshole?" I could feel the vomit creep up my throat. I swallowed it down.
"Ethan and his friend took care of him."
"How?"
"Not important," he deadpanned.
"Fuck," I breathed out.
"Yeah. Fuck." He eyed me for a long time, deciding what to say next. Then finally, "Ethan doesn't know, Logan."
"What?"
"He doesn't know it was you. That you're the guy she broke up with me for. He doesn't know. And if he did, I don't know that you'd be standing here right now."
***
Ty left, and so did I. I called my buddy from the frat house. We used to party hard when we were freshman.
"I was wondering if you'd ever come back around," he said, when he pulled into the driveway. I got in and didn't say a word.
I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything Ty just told me and I wanted to pretend like it never happened. I need to pretend like Amanda doesn't exist. I couldn't be with her and she sure as shit couldn't fall for me. Not now. Not ever. I wouldn't fucking let her.
"You wanna drink or smoke?" he asked.
"All of it," I told him.
Amanda
I got home from work just after midnight, but he wasn't home. I thought he would've texted to let me know he wouldn't be here, but I guess we're not really at that stage where we need to tell each other where we are at all times. I called him twice, but he didn't answer. I don't know whether to wait for him in my bed or his, so I just stayed in my room, missing the shit out of him.
At three a.m. I started to get worried. I called a couple more times, but still no answer.
At four a.m. I heard the front door open. I couldn't help but smile.
He truly has me.
I jumped out of bed and opened my door. He was stumbling down the hallway, clearly drunk.
"Hey, babe," I whispered, not wanting to wake Ethan. I chuckled to myself as he tried to take his sweater off, but his cap was in the way. I held onto his arm, trying to steady him. He continued to struggle with the sweater that was covering his head.
He pushed my hand away. "Get off!" he sneered, "I don't need your fucking help."
"Whoa," I took a step back, surprised. "Mean drunk much?"
"I'm not drunk, Amanda. I just don't need you in my space all the fucking time." He finally managed to take his sweater off, throwing his cap behind him and adjusting his shirt.
I just stood there, not knowing what to say.
He brushed past me and into his room. My legs followed of their own accord. "What's going on?" I asked cautiously from the doorway. "I tried calling you."
"Jesus Christ!" He threw his hands in the air. "Clingy much? You're not my fucking girlfriend," he spat out, slumping onto the bed. "You shouldn't be blowing up my phone when I'm out. It's fucking embarrassing."
I swallowed down the knot in my throat, my eyes stung from holding back tears. I squared my shoulders and tried to act stronger than I felt. "Did something happen?" I said quietly. Something must have happened for this switch in him.
"Yeah, Amanda." He said my name like it was a curse. "You happened. I don't need your shit. Not now. Not ever."
He looked at the floor, avoiding eye contact. He started to unlace his shoes. "Look at me." I ground out.
He laughed. His shoulders bounced with the movement. Then he lifted his head; there was fire in his eyes, but not the good kind. "You don't tell me what to do," he stated, standing and taking a step closer to me. "You don't control me. And I shouldn't fucking control you. What you do is on you. I don't control a fucking thing you do."
I frantically wiped the tears that were falling. "What the hell's gotten into you? Why are you being an asshole?!"
"I'm not being anything!" his tone got harsher with every word. "I'm not being an asshole," he repeated, a little softer this time. "I just am one. You should have known that when I didn't call you after that night."
My stomach dropped to the floor, and for a few moments, I forgot to breathe.
I stared at him wide-eyed. My head shook back and forth. I bit my lip to stop myself from breaking down. He couldn't see me like this. He couldn't win. Not again. Then shock and disappointment quickly turned to anger. "Why the fuck didn't you call me, huh?"
I stepped forward.
He stepped back.
"I'm not fucking doing this, Amanda." He was yelling. I knew for sure it was going to wake Ethan.
I continued shaking my head, angry with myself for letting him get to me again. I knew why he didn't call, but I wanted him to admit it. I wanted the words to come out of his mouth. "Was it a pity thing?"
