Dick, aka Tristan, continued to laugh. I shoved him again.
"Logan," Ethan warned. "He's being an asshole. He's just fucking with you. He's gay."
"What?" I looked him up and down. He didn't look gay.
"Don't look at me like that," Tristan said, "I might get the wrong idea."
Ethan chuckled.
"You don't look gay," I stupidly said.
"We're not all fairies and feathers you know?"
Ethan chimed in, "I'm taking Amanda to work. I'll be back soon."
"Looks like it's just you and me," Tristan said, blowing me a kiss.
I couldn't help but laugh.
I grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and handed one to him. We spent the time Ethan was gone getting to know each other. I remembered his name from Ty's story. And even though he fucked with my head, I couldn't not have respect for him.
***
"I didn't come out to my parents until the day I left for college."
"Yeah? That must've sucked."
"Yeah," he said, shrugging. "I spent most of my high school years so far in the closet I was having adventures in Narnia."
I choked on my beer, swallowed, and then laughed.
So did he.
"Amanda's actually the first person I told."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, I didn't know how Ethan would react, you know?"
"He's your best friend, right?"
"Yeah, he is. It's not that I thought it would ruin our friendship or anything. It was just the initial reaction that scared me. I knew he'd be okay with it eventually."
"How did he react?"
He chuckled. "He asked if I thought gay dudes would think he was hot. I told him yes and he high-fived me. That was that."
***
They all planed a party that night. I didn’t even know if I was invited. It was in my own damn house.
"You should invite your friends," Tristan told me. At least he cared about me. "Invite Jake Andrews, he's hot. You're friends with him, right?"
"You're using me for my hot friends?"
"Are you gay?"
"Nope."
"Then you're useless to me."
***
I invited my friends, and they all showed up. Turned out Amanda already invited them. Sometimes I forgot that she was friends with them too.
I did my best to avoid her, but when I got into the kitchen and saw her sitting on the counter, with that asshole from her work standing in front of her, something in me snapped.
Amanda
He walked into the kitchen and froze mid stride. I was sitting on the counter, with Tony standing in front of me. Tony and I had fooled around a little before Logan showed up. I called it off the second I felt the slightest thing for Logan. I'm not one of those wishy-washy girls that stays with someone or leads them on if there's a chance that my mind might—even for a second—wander to someone else.
Obviously.
Exhibit A - Tyson Landry.
Logan casually opened the fridge and pulled out a beer. My eyes stayed focused on him, waiting for him to leave. But he didn't. Instead, he leaned on the counter opposite us, crossed his legs at his ankles, and folded his arms over his chest. He took a long sip of his beer. His eyes never left mine. Then with beer in hand, he saluted me. "Carry on," he said, like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Tony shook his head before leaning in to say something, his hand rubbed my arm, but I don't know what he said, because all I could see was Logan. His eyes were bloodshot as they narrowed to slits. He pushed off the counter and walked up to us. "A word?" he said lazily.
Tony turned to him, "Rude much? We're in the middle of something here."
Logan glared at him, then lifted his index finger in the air, twirling it around. "You see this?" he asked, his chin lifting.
Tony looked around the kitchen, confusion all over his face. "See what, Asshole? There's nothing."
"Exactly." Logan smirked, moving so he was in front of me. "That's all the fucks I give."
Then he lifted me over his shoulder, walked us out of the kitchen, and into his room.
Logan
"What do you want Matthews?"
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Why the fuck are you letting him touch you like that?"
I knew I'd lost it—the control I should have in this situation. But I couldn't fucking help it.
"Like what? His hand on my fucking arm!" She was pissed. "Why the fuck do you even care? You've made it clear that you don't want me. So what is this? You don't want me but no one else can have me?"
"Yes!" I yelled, before settling down. "I mean no. Fuck, Amanda. I don't know!" My hands went into my hair, clasping my fingers behind my head. I started pacing the floor, wondering how the fuck I was going to make sense of this shit.
"You don't know?!" she repeated, anger laced in her voice. "You don't fucking know!" She screamed louder. "Maybe that's the problem, Logan. Maybe that's always been the problem. You just Don’t. Fucking. Know!"
She took a deep breath in, calming herself down. "I can't believe I fucking let this happen again, what the hell is wrong with me?" She shook her head, talking to herself. "And the thing is— I forgave you. After the shit you pulled that summer I just forgave you. Like it didn't even happen. Like it didn't matter. When it fucking did. You know how much it mattered."
I just stood there, hands in pockets, because I had no words.
Nothing.
"You know when you moved in, I had no choice. I thought, fuck it. Just treat him like you would any other asshole. I would have been happy to forget about it, Logan. I would have been happy to just be friends with you, and move on. But you—you were the one that kept pushing this. Not me. And now? Now you don't know what you want."
Silence.
Followed by more silence.
Because as much as I wanted to tell her something—anything. I couldn’t.
So I didn't.
I just stood there and let myself be the pathetic fuck-up that I was.
"You know what the worst part is, Logan?" She moved so she was right in front of me.
I kept looking at the floor.
"Look at me!" she yelled.
So I did.
And the second I did, I regretted it. There was rage and anger and sadness in her eyes. But what hurt the most were her tears. Those same fucked up tears I always caused.
She took in a deep breath, making sure that I saw her. "The worst part is that you and me—we could have been amazing. We could have had it all, Logan. Everything. And you fucked it up."
Then she laughed once. That bitter fucking laugh. "I'm done, Logan." She motioned her finger between us. "You and me—we're done." She wasn't angry anymore. She wasn't bitter or even upset. She was exactly what she said she is—done.
"Logan," Ethan warned. "He's being an asshole. He's just fucking with you. He's gay."
"What?" I looked him up and down. He didn't look gay.
"Don't look at me like that," Tristan said, "I might get the wrong idea."
Ethan chuckled.
"You don't look gay," I stupidly said.
"We're not all fairies and feathers you know?"
Ethan chimed in, "I'm taking Amanda to work. I'll be back soon."
"Looks like it's just you and me," Tristan said, blowing me a kiss.
I couldn't help but laugh.
I grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and handed one to him. We spent the time Ethan was gone getting to know each other. I remembered his name from Ty's story. And even though he fucked with my head, I couldn't not have respect for him.
***
"I didn't come out to my parents until the day I left for college."
"Yeah? That must've sucked."
"Yeah," he said, shrugging. "I spent most of my high school years so far in the closet I was having adventures in Narnia."
I choked on my beer, swallowed, and then laughed.
So did he.
"Amanda's actually the first person I told."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, I didn't know how Ethan would react, you know?"
"He's your best friend, right?"
"Yeah, he is. It's not that I thought it would ruin our friendship or anything. It was just the initial reaction that scared me. I knew he'd be okay with it eventually."
"How did he react?"
He chuckled. "He asked if I thought gay dudes would think he was hot. I told him yes and he high-fived me. That was that."
***
They all planed a party that night. I didn’t even know if I was invited. It was in my own damn house.
"You should invite your friends," Tristan told me. At least he cared about me. "Invite Jake Andrews, he's hot. You're friends with him, right?"
"You're using me for my hot friends?"
"Are you gay?"
"Nope."
"Then you're useless to me."
***
I invited my friends, and they all showed up. Turned out Amanda already invited them. Sometimes I forgot that she was friends with them too.
I did my best to avoid her, but when I got into the kitchen and saw her sitting on the counter, with that asshole from her work standing in front of her, something in me snapped.
Amanda
He walked into the kitchen and froze mid stride. I was sitting on the counter, with Tony standing in front of me. Tony and I had fooled around a little before Logan showed up. I called it off the second I felt the slightest thing for Logan. I'm not one of those wishy-washy girls that stays with someone or leads them on if there's a chance that my mind might—even for a second—wander to someone else.
Obviously.
Exhibit A - Tyson Landry.
Logan casually opened the fridge and pulled out a beer. My eyes stayed focused on him, waiting for him to leave. But he didn't. Instead, he leaned on the counter opposite us, crossed his legs at his ankles, and folded his arms over his chest. He took a long sip of his beer. His eyes never left mine. Then with beer in hand, he saluted me. "Carry on," he said, like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Tony shook his head before leaning in to say something, his hand rubbed my arm, but I don't know what he said, because all I could see was Logan. His eyes were bloodshot as they narrowed to slits. He pushed off the counter and walked up to us. "A word?" he said lazily.
Tony turned to him, "Rude much? We're in the middle of something here."
Logan glared at him, then lifted his index finger in the air, twirling it around. "You see this?" he asked, his chin lifting.
Tony looked around the kitchen, confusion all over his face. "See what, Asshole? There's nothing."
"Exactly." Logan smirked, moving so he was in front of me. "That's all the fucks I give."
Then he lifted me over his shoulder, walked us out of the kitchen, and into his room.
Logan
"What do you want Matthews?"
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Why the fuck are you letting him touch you like that?"
I knew I'd lost it—the control I should have in this situation. But I couldn't fucking help it.
"Like what? His hand on my fucking arm!" She was pissed. "Why the fuck do you even care? You've made it clear that you don't want me. So what is this? You don't want me but no one else can have me?"
"Yes!" I yelled, before settling down. "I mean no. Fuck, Amanda. I don't know!" My hands went into my hair, clasping my fingers behind my head. I started pacing the floor, wondering how the fuck I was going to make sense of this shit.
"You don't know?!" she repeated, anger laced in her voice. "You don't fucking know!" She screamed louder. "Maybe that's the problem, Logan. Maybe that's always been the problem. You just Don’t. Fucking. Know!"
She took a deep breath in, calming herself down. "I can't believe I fucking let this happen again, what the hell is wrong with me?" She shook her head, talking to herself. "And the thing is— I forgave you. After the shit you pulled that summer I just forgave you. Like it didn't even happen. Like it didn't matter. When it fucking did. You know how much it mattered."
I just stood there, hands in pockets, because I had no words.
Nothing.
"You know when you moved in, I had no choice. I thought, fuck it. Just treat him like you would any other asshole. I would have been happy to forget about it, Logan. I would have been happy to just be friends with you, and move on. But you—you were the one that kept pushing this. Not me. And now? Now you don't know what you want."
Silence.
Followed by more silence.
Because as much as I wanted to tell her something—anything. I couldn’t.
So I didn't.
I just stood there and let myself be the pathetic fuck-up that I was.
"You know what the worst part is, Logan?" She moved so she was right in front of me.
I kept looking at the floor.
"Look at me!" she yelled.
So I did.
And the second I did, I regretted it. There was rage and anger and sadness in her eyes. But what hurt the most were her tears. Those same fucked up tears I always caused.
She took in a deep breath, making sure that I saw her. "The worst part is that you and me—we could have been amazing. We could have had it all, Logan. Everything. And you fucked it up."
Then she laughed once. That bitter fucking laugh. "I'm done, Logan." She motioned her finger between us. "You and me—we're done." She wasn't angry anymore. She wasn't bitter or even upset. She was exactly what she said she is—done.
