Never After
Chapter 4

THE SECRET OF ROAN INISH
1
I stared out over the water as the call of the waves sang to me. They raced in my blood, enticing me to shed my humanity and dive deep, to return to the Mother's core. The Ocean Mother's presence was strong here, and she was a part of me now, a part of my life like she'd never been on the distant shores of my old home. I'd lived long enough on the western coast of Washington State to realize that my old life was slowly receding into the past for good.
Oh, I was a lot older than the one hundred and one years that had passed since I first set foot on Ellis Island, claiming the United States as my new home, but my past was retreating, and I wasn't sorry to see the memories fade, like aging photographs. Over the intervening years, life had shifted and changed drastically, and so had I. But now... now I felt ready to settle in as my true self. To fully adopt this land as my home, this life as my fate.
And even more, I was ready to step out of the closet and tell my neighbors, my employer, and the world who I really was. For the first time in my life since I fled under the cover of night to the waiting boat, I was ready to step out and say, I'm Siobhan Morgan, and I'm a selkie, a wereseal if you will. I'm part of the Supe Community and I'm not going to hide anymore.
Life in this country had treated me well. Oh, there had been setbacks and downfalls, but now... I patted the rounded curve of my belly, which up until the last few months had always been flat and toned. Now there was life within me, and I had everything I ever wanted.
"Little daughter," I whispered to the presence within. "I've waited a long, long time for you. I just wish I could bring you into a world that wasn't so hostile and angry."
As if in reply, a faint kick from a tiny foot answered back. Or was it a flipper? Mitch and I would have to talk to the midwife before long to get clear on everything that would happen to me - and the child - during the birthing. I knew I would have her in the water, with the mothers of the Pod surrounding me. But beyond that, I wasn't sure. Mitch and I had tried for so long to get pregnant, our hopes dashed time and again. And now, it was really happening, thanks to the elfin med ics that my friends - the D'Artigo sisters - had hooked me up with.
As I blinked against the gray clouds that were threatening a downpour during the autumn afternoon, my cell phone rang. I flipped it open, expecting to hear Mitch's voice - he was the only one who knew where I was right now - but to my surprise, a deeper voice answered.
"Siobhan? Siobhan Morgan?"
Crap. I let out a cry and dropped the phone, staring at the glowing screen. Should I pick it up again? Could I be wrong? Could it be someone else? Praying I'd made a mistake, I cautiously retrieved the phone from the ground and slowly raised it to my ear.
"Who's speaking, please?"
"You know damned well who I am. Don't play dumb." His accent had faded, as had my own, but it was the same rough tone I'd run away from all those years ago.
"Terry? Is that you?"
"Yeah, it's Terrance. And before you hang up - because I know you're thinking about it - let me leave you with this thought: I've been tracking you down, girl. For a hundred years, I've searched for you. And now that I've found you, I'm going to make sure you live up to your end of the bargain."
I caught my breath. It couldn't be him. Not after a hundred years. I'd crossed the ocean to get away from him, and then crossed the continent. I'd run so far, so fast, leaving everything behind, that I could barely remember the days before I landed in New York.
What the hell was I going to do?>
"It wasn't my bargain, Terry. I didn't make the arrangements, and I didn't agree to them. In fact, if you'll recall, I wanted you prosecuted by the Tribunal. But so much for justice. I claim my freedom. I claim injury by what you did to me that night. So you might as well turn around and go back home to Cobh, because I'll never set foot on her shores again."
"Babe, I left Ireland to find you, and I swore I'd make it happen, no matter how long it took. I've been home a few times, but I've spent most of the years combing this land. And now I know where you are. You can dance around the issue all you like, but the facts are simple. Even though you ran away and signed up with another Pod, your parents struck a contract with my parents, and you're honor bound to fulfill it. Siobhan Morgan, you're going to marry me. You belong to me, and I'm coming to get you. So resign yourself to your fate, because you'll not get away from me this time. I'll track you down no matter where you go."
With that, the line went dead. I pressed my knuckles to my lips. I'd spent the past century moving from place to place, lying about who I was, darting glances over my shoulder to make sure Terry hadn't followed me.
After twenty-five years, I felt a glimmer of hope.
After fifty years, I began to believe I'd managed to escape and went back to using my own name.
And after ninety, I relaxed, and that was when I met Mitch and fell in love. For most of the intervening years, technology had been in its youth, and until recently, tracking down someone who didn't want to be found had been a whole lot harder. Until the Internet, I thought. That must be how he found me.
I flipped the phone shut and shoved it in my pocket as a drizzle began to splash to the ground, trickling down my cheeks like tears. The taste of acid rain burnt my tongue as I caught one of the fat drops and swallowed it. Water used to be pure. Water used to be sacred. Now, even in the depths of the oceans, it was tainted. But still, the Ocean Mother persevered. She rolled in waves across the face of the world. She sang to my blood and reminded me of what I was.
The sky lit up with a dizzying flash of lightning and I shook my head, clearing my thoughts as I dashed for the car. A roll of thunder rumbled overhead as I sat there, clutching the steering wheel, wondering what to do.
Mitch would know, if I could bring myself to tell him. And now that we were pregnant, surely the Pod elders would come around and help us out. But somewhere deep in my heart, I knew that I'd lied. I'd lied to all of them. Would that change how they felt about me? Whatever happened, I'd never willingly give myself over to Terry. I'd die first. In fact, at one time, I'd tried and failed.
* * *
"Siobhan Morgan, you won't be defying your father." Mother shoved me back into my chair. She looked harried and tense, and I had the feeling she hadn't expected me to protest. "Terrance Fell is your betrothed and you will marry him. Your father and I gave our word. You're honor bound to uphold our promise."
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the back of the rocking chair. The walls were in need of patching, and the roof leaked, and my mother was trying desperately to sweep the floor but the dirt and sand were thick.
We'd moved into the house six years before, when Father first brought the family out of the Orkney Islands, where we were starving, to the streets of Queenstown in Ireland. The dirt here smelled nasty, unlike the clean tang of the dirt in our old home. The house was always dusty, and too close to too many humans. I longed for the sound of rolling waves cresting on the coast of the islands, but here we had food, and my brothers and father could find work. We lived on the outskirts of the city, near the cove, keeping to ourselves as most of the roane did.
That was what our people were called here - the roane, rather than selkies, but I stubbornly held on to the name I'd grown up with. Selkie was comforting and familiar; roane was strange and confusing. As confusing as the ways of the city and the bustle of so many humans wandering through the streets. After six years, I'd adapted to living in their midst, but now I wished I'd never seen the streets of Queenstown.
"I won't marry him! I won't." Angry, I tossed the dress I was stitching to the floor and balled my hands into fists. I'd never spoken to my mother like this, and part of me felt embarrassed and ashamed, but there was too much at stake to go along quietly.
"Pick up that dress. It's your wedding gown - at least for the human ceremony." Rhiannon rested her hands on her hips and stared at me. "Siobhan, you can't betray us. Terrance is the prince of his people. He'll assure that our family will never go without. He's rich, he's well placed in both human and roane society, and he has promised that you'll never want for anything."
I pressed my lips together and snatched up the dress. The linen crinkled in my hand and I wanted to slash it to ribbons rather than wear it for the man who had raped me. Father knew, and Mother. That was why Terrance had offered to marry me. He wouldn't have to face the Pod Tribunal then.
But I'd know. I'd always know that my husband had forced me and then bought me for the promise of riches. The thought of his touch made my skin crawl and I let out a sharp cry.
"We aren't roane. We're selkie. He's not one of us." The fact that my parents knew what he'd done hadn't swayed them. I'd already pleaded for them to take him before the Tribunal, but they were frightened by the power he held in Queenstown and among the roane. They tried to justify it, but I knew they didn't want to rock the boat. I was the sacrificial lamb, offered on a silver platter to keep the peace and make the prince of the roane happy.
"You're right - Terrance isn't one of us, and that's a good thing for the Pod," my mother said. "You know the elders are calling for new blood. We're dying, Siobhan. You can't mate with our men. Inbreeding is killing our people. That's why..."
She paused, then after a moment added, "That's why I joined your father's Pod. To bring new blood into the mix. No, it's set. You'll marry Terrance and become a princess, and bear his children for the good of our family and the Pod."
I didn't say anything. What could I say except to lash out at her again?
My mother paused, gazing at me out of the corner of her eye. Her voice was soft, almost gentle, as she added, "I know how you feel, my dear. I was brought into your father's Pod in much the same way. He carried me off from my family and I couldn't resist him, and so it was that I became Rhiannon of the Northern Orkney Pod. Your father married me and brought me to his people - my people, now - and we've grown to love each other over the years. The fact that Terrance agreed to align his Pod with the Cobh Selkie Pod is enough to wash away all his other sins, my daughter. We desperately need the new blood."
I stared at her for a moment. Were all the women of our Pod simply prizes for men? "Are we like the Finfolk, then? Do women count for nothing? Should I just roll over and let any man have his way with me if you say it's good for our people?"
"Hush. Don't say such things. It's not like that." The pained look on my mother's face made me feel good. I'd hit a tender spot. I wanted to twist the knife, but finally just shook my head.
"Then you don't care that he raped me. And the Tribunal closes its eyes. My own parents are content to ignore what he did in order to put food on the table and to bring new blood to the Pod?"
Rhiannon let out a long sigh. "We all make sacrifices, Siobhan. We all give up our freedom for the betterment of our families. Your family is the Pod. Your duty is to do whatever it takes to ensure the continuation of our people. Now dust off your dress and get back to your sewing."
"That's it, then?"
She shrugged to indicate the argument was over. "We're going out tonight to the waters, and you need to finish the dress before day after tomorrow. You're getting married, Siobhan. To a prince. He's rich, and will give you children and standing. And he's joining our people. Take joy in the thought of what you can do for others, and be glad he finds you attractive."
As I settled down in the rocking chair, dress in hand, my thoughts raced ahead. I had two days. Just two days in which to ensure that Terrance would never touch me again. Two days in which to change a thousand years of tradition. Or... perhaps... maybe I didn't need to change tradition. Maybe what I needed was to change myself - to put myself out of his reach.
Mulling over this new idea, I went back to my sewing, but with every stitch, I felt like I was tightening the noose on my future.
* * *
That night, standing on the edge of the harbor, I stared out over the darkened waters. Most of my family had already slipped back into their skins and returned to the sea. Selkies hid their skins when taking human form, and each of us had a safety cache in which to store them. Now I carried mine with me as the others had, in a satchel slung low on my hip.
I watched the water, mesmerized by the lapping of the waves. Then, slowly, I edged my way toward the breakers. I glanced around. Nobody near, no one to watch. I could safely change and slip out to sea, sleekly skimming through the currents. Maybe I should just keep going. Head into open ocean and see where it took me.
Chances were I'd end up shark food or caught by fishermen, but would that be worse than a life wedded to Terrance? Than bearing his hands on me night after night?
I tried to imagine what it would be like to find myself in the grips of a shark. Fast. It would be over soon, though I'd be alone. Could I do it? Face dying by myself? I could live without my Pod, become a rogue - that I knew I was capable of. But a painful and bloody death alone in the night sea? The thought was more than I could bear.
No, I couldn't do it. I'd always be wondering when and where the end would come, because selkies on their own didn't last long. And if the Finfolk got hold of me, it would be worse.
As I stood there, ankle-deep in the water, another thought crept into my mind. There was one option I'd overlooked. I could end it now. Walk into the sea in human form. Drowning was easy - just let the breath go and close my eyes as I drifted in the arms of the Ocean Mother. Everything would be over... all the worry, all the fear of disappointing everyone.
Marrying Terrance was out of the question, and my parents had effectively handed me over to him. Life alone at sea was too dangerous. I couldn't stay in the city - Terrance would find me. I couldn't go home to the Orkneys - he'd follow me there, too.
Dazed and feeling betrayed, I slowly began to wade into the water, the skirts of my dress floating on the surface as the chill hit me to the core. Even in June, the water was cold. As I breathlessly made my way in up to my knees, my toes curled around the silt and I reveled in the feel of the soft, wet sand.
A loud, resounding noise startled me out of my thoughts and I jerked my gaze across the cove. An ocean liner was pulling into port, returning from America, no doubt, where thousands of emigrants were flocking in hopes of better days and a life that might promise something other than poverty and starvation. Fresh starts and new beginnings. That's what they hope for.
For a moment, I dismissed the gigantic hull of a boat from my mind, but then... I looked at it again. Queenstown - or Cobh, as it had been known for centuries before some idiot human had renamed it after the queen - was an integral port to the world. And now, as I gazed at the ship, an idea began to form. What if I was on that boat when it sailed? The liner would leave soon - they were sailing quickly, to meet the demand. What if I booked passage on the Umbria and simply vanished into a new life?
My stomach quivered. I'd be leaving my family, leaving my home for a distant shore to... What future did I have in America? Any future you want to make. The thought echoed as I turned the idea over in my mind. I couldn't really do this. Could I?
But if I didn't... Terrance's face loomed large in my thoughts again and I began to shake. I couldn't let him touch me again.
* * *
"I want you," he'd said, reaching out to stroke my cheek.
I darted away from him. Something about him made my skin crawl. I'd shaken off his hand when he tried to hold mine, but his fingers on my face felt so much more invasive. I'd gone on the walk with him only because my father insisted that I get out of the house. Get some fresh air, he'd said.
"Terry, I don't feel that way about you." I tried to lighten my words in order to take away the sting, but no matter how I said it, it was a rejection. "I'm stubborn, my family says. I honestly don't know what I want but I'm not really looking for marriage right now."
Not exactly the truth, but close enough. I was looking for love, but only with the right person. I was looking for a man who made my heart beat faster, who made my pulse race and my breath catch in my throat because I wanted him more than I wanted anybody or anything else.
Terry snorted. "You don't have to feel the same way." As he moved closer, I danced to the other side, wading through the knee-deep grass that ran along the side of the cliff overlooking the harbor.
"Look - the ships are coming into port." I tried to change the subject, calculating the distance between us as I darted out of his reach. There was something in his eyes that made me want to run home and lock the door behind me. He was ruthless, a man who would do whatever it took to get what he wanted.
"You don't have to love me. I don't care. I want you, Siobhan Morgan, and you're a fool if you refuse me. I can give you everything. I can give you riches and security. I can make you a princess. And I can protect your family. All you have to do is obey me. That's all I ask in return."
I kept my mouth shut. My family was coming off a rough spot. Six years ago, we'd been forced to leave our home in the Orkneys because there wasn't enough to eat - even the sea had turned fickle on us. We'd come to Queenstown and found a house. My brothers had found work on the docks and my mother took in washing. My father mostly drank. We kept to ourselves and managed to survive. But life was still hard, and my mother's back was always sore.
I tried to imagine accepting his offer. What he could do for our family... But another look in his eyes squelched any thought I had of saying yes. My heart was pounding out a warning. Terry wasn't safe. He reminded me of the Finfolk, a deadly and treacherous man.
"No, thank you." I let out a long sigh. "But I appreciate the offer." Not good to make one of the Pod royalty angry.
He let out a sharp laugh and jumped forward, grabbing my wrist.
"Then we're into the chase," he said, his face red. I could feel the waves of excitement rolling off him and I stumbled, trying to get away. But Terry was heavier and taller than I, and before I could break his grasp, he knocked me to the ground and landed on top of me. As he pushed up my skirts, his hands fumbling along my thighs, his eyes gleamed.
"I'm glad you said no," he whispered. "I like a challenge."
I began to scream, but he clapped his hand over my mouth and gave me a wicked grin. "Now, now, you wouldn't want that sweet little brother of yours to go missing... to become shark food, would you?"
As his meaning echoed in my thoughts, I closed my eyes and thought of the sea. She was always there, and she would cleanse me and heal me when he was done. But Terry didn't want me to miss out on the fun, and as he drove himself into me, I let out a little cry and realized that no matter how many times I bathed, I'd never get the feel of him off me.
* * *
I parked in front of our house and raced up the stairs. The two-story cottage was modest, but it belonged to Mitch and me, and it was home. As I closed the door behind me, all I could think about was barring the past. I flipped the lock and started to call out for Mitch, but then stopped. He was off on a job. Mitch was a contractor and renovated old houses for a company of property flippers. And one other thing had occurred to me on the way home.
I'd never told Mitch the truth about my past. At first, I was afraid that if the Puget Sound Harbor Seal Pod discovered that I'd been engaged to Terry, they might make me return home and face the consequences. Then, after Mitch and I found out about our daughter, it seemed a moot point.
I forced myself into the kitchen where I put the kettle on and grabbed the chamomile tea, fumbling to get the bags out of the box. I had to calm down, to think clearly. As I slid into a chair at the table, waiting for the kettle to whistle, I pulled out my cell phone. Terrance's number came up as blocked.
So, point number one: I had no idea where he was, but he knew where I was. At least, he knew my phone number.
Point number two: He wanted me back, which meant I wasn't safe. And another little matter to consider: What would he do when he found out I was pregnant with another man's child? But even as I asked myself the question, I knew the answer. Terrance would take out his anger by forcing me to miscarry. I knew him. He was the prince of his people. And when dealing with royalty, especially in the Supe Community, bloodlines were everything. He wouldn't want another man's child crowding out his own.
I glanced at the clock as I moved to pour my tea. I couldn't tell Mitch, not until I knew how I was going to handle this. He'd freak out. He'd have to know at some point, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized he'd go off half-cocked and get himself hurt.
And I didn't dare go to the Pod for help - not yet. Most likely they'd protect me, but I'd been a problem for them over the years because I couldn't conceive and Mitch was in love with me. They'd tried to break us up so he could move on to another woman who could bear his children. We were together only by the grace of my unborn daughter.
No, there was only one place I could turn. Camille, Delilah, and Menolly D'Artigo were the only women I knew who wouldn't hesitate to set Terrance straight. Taking a deep breath, I punched in their number and counted the rings until they picked up.